Possible Mamma’s Boy

Question: Dear Luise: I met a man at work that I found interesting. He liked me, too, so we started dating. Everything went along fine for quite a while, and then he took me to meet his family. His mother bosses him around like he was two years old and he takes it. Since then, I have noticed that he refers to her and what she thinks and believes a lot. (It went right by me before I met her and saw them together.) Am I in dangerous waters here? I really like him a lot but all of that feels “off” to me. Thanks for giving this question a shot. Darla

Answer: Dear Darla: Isn’t that interesting, how something gets by you unnoticed until you are watching for it? And I don’t blame you for seeing the dynamics between your guy and his mother as a red flag.

However, it may not be. Take a chance and talk with him about it. It may be something he hates and was trained to do against his will. (Well, we can hope, can’t we?) If it’s all about being respectful and hating it, then you need to talk about what he wants to do about it…and where you fit in.

Men who act this way usually keep answering to mommy for the rest of their lives or transfer their dependence to their wives. It doesn’t sound like either option appeals to you. You can’t undo it. Maybe he can if he wants to, but you need to ask yourself why he hasn’t done so already if that’s the case.

Observation is going to be your best tool to make a decision on this issue. If, after you talk with him about it, his constant references to his mom’s great wisdom continue and you see the same behavior when you’re with his family, you may want to reconsider before you get in any deeper.

One of the most serious mistakes that is made in such situations is the “it will all work out after we’re married” syndrome. Don’t believe it. It won’t. If he doesn’t leave mamma behind very soon, he never will. If you wanted a husband-child, (and lots of women do), you wouldn’t have written to me about it. That may mean you’re just not a match. Look deeper. Blessings, Luise

2 Responses to Possible Mamma’s Boy

  1. Anika February 11, 2007 at 9:44 am #

    Hello there,

    This is a very intresting site. My problem is that my boyfriends for almost 3years is 26, and i am 25, he is still in his mother house and have not said one word about moving out, he says that he is content. His mother and i have exchanged a couple of words. but she treat her son as if he is a little boy and she even call him little boy and he answers, and he acts like his mother little boy. We only go and do something together once a year just me and him, and the other times when we will go out to eat is with his mother and father. therefore i am stuck with boyfriend brother and mother and father. but i told him that i didn’t appreciate the way that his mother disrespect me and talk to me, he told me that i provoked her to do and say the things that she does. i told him that we needed end the relationship because there was not need for me to go on, i felt that if we was to be together that i would not be the woman of my house that she will because he allow her to disrespect me and then tell me that i need to talk with her about the problem that he does not have anyhting to do with it.

  2. Luise February 18, 2007 at 10:53 am #

    Answer: Dear Anika: Your beloved says he has nothing to d with it? Isn’t that amazing?! He is “it”!!

    You are luckier than a lot of women who get surprised after they marry and their leapords change their spots. Yours is right out in the open…MOTHER RULES!

    Believe it or not, some women adapt to this idea. A submissive woman who is afraid to make her own decisions and live her own life fits right in. I don’t think you will.

    You will only rule when your mother-in-law passes, and by then you will have forgotten how.

    Follow your instincts and let “mama” have him. They make a great pair. Blessings, Luise

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