Question: Dear Luise: My mompassed at 58 yrs old on march ,28 2011. She had a pain pill addiction and passed at home while we were sleeping. My brother woke me up pounding on my bedroom door when he found her. It was very unexpected, she was acting weird the past 3 days before and I was very mean to her thinking it would make her realize she needed help.She was buried on April 2nd and I moved out at the end of 2011. I feel like I never dealt with her passing. I never cried like I thought I would. I’m always down about something and she is always on my mind somehow…is this normal after 2 years? D.
Answer: Dear D.: As far as I know, there is no “normal.” It sounds to me like you are carrying regret and that’s something we all have to face after we lose someone. None of us feel like we “did it right”. We want to look back and see perfection and it’s just not possible. You were trying to motivate your mom with tough love. To me, that’s commendable.
My husband died last week and the tears were more tears of relief than of loss. He was 101. And do I miss him…terribly, even though he’d been in the nursing facility on our campus for three years. I can think of endless things I “should” have done more of or better. It’s the way we’re wired.
I’d suggest that you get some grief counseling to keep from getting stuck where you are. That’s not what your mom would have wanted for you. Also, when I lost my mom, I wrote her. First, because I was overflowing with emotions, and later, because I liked the feeling of connecting with her. Eventually I wrote back to me from her. Did she do the writing? No, of course not…but I knew what she would have written. I don’t think doing that would work for everyone but it brought me back to the “now” and I was able to laugh and sing again. Blessings, Luise