Question: Dear Luise: I am in a relationship with someone and more often than not I don’t know if we’ll end up working out. I am also 8 months pregnant with my first child and his second child. He doesn’t see his first son at all because he doesn’t like the mother (but really it’s just an excuse because she puts no strain or pressure on him whatsoever). I really believe that if I end the relationship, even if I lived next door, he would not be a part of this child’s life and it is more important to me than anything to try to give my son a good home life. The problems in the relationship are manageable (there is no outright abuse and even the verbal abuse has stopped) but I am feeling more discontent about the relationship as the months pass. The main issues that bother me are that we have very little sex, don’t even kiss other than peck, and have stopped having fun around each other. This really began before I was pregnant also. I have never been in a relationship like this: committed, but totally passionless (normally it’s the other way around: amazing sex and an emotional rollercoaster ride). Every time I try to talk to him though, he ends up tuning me out and telling me I’m just emotional because I’m pregnant. I’ve told him a couple of times that I can’t stay if things continue as they’ve been. He takes this as a threat and tells me not to threaten him or I will regret the decision. He is so stubborn so I try to change how I feel, but this discontent creeps up to the point of unbearable about every 2 weeks and I try to bring it up again and it ends up a 2-day fight. As long as I don’t say anything and act like I’m fine, we don’t have any problems. He’s asked me to marry him but I honestly don’t know why. I think he just wants the security of having someone at the house waiting for him. He was molested as a kid and sometimes I wonder if that has to do with this. I know that he’s fully committed to me and doesn’t have another interest, so what am I supposed to make of all this? I so badly just want the answers to all of my questions from his heart –good or bad– so that I can make a decision and move on with my life if I have to, but he will never tell me. Should I continue to pursue talking to him (even though it gets me no where) and trying to make it work so that my son knows his father? J.
Answer: Dear J. You haven’t picked a communicator and you haven’t picked a man who is interested in parenting. There is nothing I know of that you can do to change either of those things. He is how he is and what you see is what you get. All you can do is to make your future plans accordingly. Blessings, Luise