Question: My son is 21 seperated from his wife now sence May 30th 2009 he has been seeing a 18 year old girl now almost 2months and I really like her.but you see his wife is also has a boy friend,I offered for my son to move back home, dose not have to pay rent or utilities.just so he can get his bills payed.any how they have a 2year old son together and he gets to be with daddy friday and Saturday and Sunday,but the girl friend stays every nite in his room and in his bed and his little boy who just went to the hospital a week ago with a temp 102 and still has a virus and he gets to sleep on a dog mat on the carpet floor with just his blanket and a pillow next to daddy bed and I as a grandma was very up set with him and told him that is not right.your girl friend needs to go home and sleep in her own bed at nite.she dose have a place to go.and he said he dose not want his son getting use to sleeping with him and when he moves he wants him to be in his own bed..tonight my grandson came to stay with daddy tonite over nite. and i picked my grandson up and all the anger built up inside me blew when my son told me to put his son down he dose not need to be held all the time. I said why he wants me to hold him and he said put him down anyway I got up set and said to my son your just jelouse of the relationship I have with my grandson and he said I hate you and I said why do you feel you don’t want to show me any respect.for one you did not ask me if your girl friend could stay here and two.you did not get my permission and then he said he hates and I yelled back at him ..I have never talked to my kids like that. and then I said if you hate me that much then you can get out and I just feel really sick about this I told him I did not mean anything I said that I was sorry and he told me to get out of his face..can you give me some good advice..M.
Answer: Dear M.: It’s really hard to combine families. Parents want to help and they are often taken for granted. The adult child often acts like a child when the parent expects adult behavior. Rules are not set up in advance and assumptions are made.
It’s your home. You have the right to shelter whom you wish and to not have anyone staying there overnight that you don’t want. It’s almost impossible to watch little grandchildren being mistreated and stay out of it and when you get into it, it all falls apart.
You took a stand and it was something that needed to be done. Now you find that you have lost your son and grandson, for now; a terrible price to pay. It’s very difficult to face the fact that you can’t change your son’s behavior but I simply don’t see any way you can go along with it. You can only hope he will wise up and grown up and come back a better man. Some do and some don’t. The very fact that you expect more of him might prompt him to expect more of himself. Blessings, Luise