Why Does My Oldest Son Hate Me?

Question: Dear Luise: My oldest son hates me,he says he has been angry for a long time.but i felt close to him untill he met this bad girl and had 2 kids.she wont leave me in a room for 2 minutes alone with my son ,,,he is 29 yrs old and is completely under her spell.she is nice to me as long as i give her all the attention,if i even hug my grandkids shes stomps in to the bathroom and slams doors.i tried everything,my other kids see it too.she is very insecure and hates her mother.we used to be a loving family now she yells out on the phone that she hates me and my grand daughter does too ,,,poor lil girl is 6 years old,how could they talk like that in fron of the children.call me names i can not repeat.only because something doesnt go her way.i also have lyme disease and i am sick most of the time.he says your not my mother your nothing at all your evil.my other daughters cry,because he spreads this stuff online.sincerly mixed up and sad. Question: My oldest son hates me,he says he has been angry for a long time.but i felt close to him untill he met this bad girl and had 2 kids.she wont leave me in a room for 2 minutes alone with my son ,,,he is 29 yrs old and is completely under her spell.she is nice to me as long as i give her all the attention,if i even hug my grandkids shes stomps in to the bathroom and slams doors.i tried everything,my other kids see it too.she is very insecure and hates her mother.we used to be a loving family now she yells out on the phone that she hates me and my grand daughter does too ,,,poor lil girl is 6 years old,how could they talk like that in fron of the children.call me names i can not repeat.only because something doesnt go her way.i also have lyme disease and i am sick most of the time.he says your not my mother your nothing at all your evil.my other daughters cry,because he spreads this stuff online.sincerly mixed up and sad.. R.

Answer: Dear R. First of all let me wish you a very happy forty-seventh birthday. Please come over to my Web-forum: www.wisewomenunite.com. Friends await!

Your son is an adult and he is making his own choices and decisions. Unfortunately, they make sense to him. Your role, as painful as it may be to carry through, is to let go. He picked an insecure woman for a partner. It sounds to me like she is seeing you and treating you as she either sees and treats her own mother or would like to. It also looks like she s passing that poison on to your grand children.

This is your son’s world. You are not part of it except to be someone who is abused and used. Peace of mind probably doesn’t lie there, nor does hope. They have their dynamics and you are just a symbol to be battered for their own purposes.

Peace will come with knowing you can’t do anything about it. Letting go and turning toward the love and understanding your other children offer is where you will thrive. What a blessing that you have them, many don’t. Let their love nurture you and let your memories of your oldest son prior to all of this bring you joy. To pursue trying to change the situation or even understand it will just take you down and you deserve a lot better. Blessings, Luise

10 Responses to Why Does My Oldest Son Hate Me?

  1. F. December 12, 2010 at 8:19 pm #

    dear Luise I am a mother or two childre.Although they forced me to divorce to get rid of my difficult situation with their father, now they have cut their contacts with me telling me you could have done better in relation with your life. They are living in another country. they are 42 and 37 old and not married yet. what is your advise to make a good relation with them.

    • Luise December 14, 2010 at 1:28 pm #

      I doubt that there is anything you can do. They are both adults and are making their own choices. It is unbelievabl unfair and you deserve so much better.

  2. A. June 2, 2011 at 8:11 am #

    I have worked in psychotherapy and counselling. My son[44] and daughter [41] have the least possible contact with me. We were/are, I guess, an untypical disfunctional family in that my [turned out to be gay] husband turned them against me. I fought it through their childhood into adulthood; with reasoning, understanding, care, and a lot of soul seaching. My husband was weak and I was the strong force in the family, trying to cope with their demands and my own unbearable emotional pain. It didn’t improve with time. I’m a caring, responsible person who first looks to myself for the cause of any problem which arises, [I had a very traumatic childhood] but when I realized I was being used as a punchbag, blamed for every ill in my childrens’ lives, it was a question of suicude or, – well, I decided moved to the other side of the world, and found the quality of love of which dreams are made. I was 64!! I miss my children and there is this ache when I think about them, but my life is happy. Being loved made me see that there wasn’t much wrong with me that love couldn’t cure. My daughter has nothing to do with her brother, and he is unspeakably cruel and neglectful of me, but one has to move on, being more than ‘mother’- in fact we must strive to be the ‘whole’ person we are meant to be. I find I can live without my children: being without the pain they infict and the emotional demands they make is such a relief. I’m there in the wings should they need me. If they don’t, it’s sad but I’ll survive. Sadly I have come to dislike my children, especially for their selfishness and self-obsession. Our time on this planet is so brief and after all, if only we can see it, Life is beautiful. Don’t become a slave to what others believe you to be. Anyone who identifies with any of this, please contact me. A.

    • Luise June 11, 2011 at 7:43 am #

      Come on over to my Web-forum that focuses on issues with adult children and extended famiies: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com You will find support there. Blessings, Luise

  3. J. September 11, 2011 at 12:58 pm #

    Hi I split with my ex husband 4 yrs ago was messy ! His best friend broke us up , telling my ex husband he loved me ,
    My kids where devastated , but I was not happy in my marriage n left.
    My son never spoke to me for a year, he fell out with his dad n called me we spoke for a while ,
    Then I left my home town leaving my daughters 20 yrs n 18yr , n I moved to Bournemouth, my son stopped talking to me again because of this n is very angry with me .
    Iv tx him to c if he will talk to me, but every time he tx me Bak saying “he wishes I was dead” ,” hurry up n die I hate u ” I’m heart broken. J.

    • Luise September 12, 2011 at 9:04 am #

      J – All you can do is get on with your life and hope that your adult children eventually see you as a human, not a fallen angel. They have the right to choose to be judge and jury but you deserve so much better. Give it to yourself every way you can. Value and love yourself. You are more than a parent…you a a whole and worthwhile person.

  4. K. November 15, 2011 at 2:13 am #

    im dying of cancer and cannot even get my son to respond.Since marrying aa she devil our relationship is no more.I cannot have pics, spend time with my grandchildren or have any involvement with his new family. Only her family is included and it hurts so bad.I have been thru 10 years of being ill with undiagnosed horrific disease which makes you look like a hypo chrondriac,Now itis renal cell cancer 4th stage,I am close to dying and need to hear from my son and grandson before I move on.Can anyone help find info so I know he is getting the message. K.

    • Luise November 17, 2011 at 12:03 pm #

      I doubt that anything external is going to change…but you can. Your son is getting your message because it is from your heart to his. He knows you love him and he knows he loves you. He made a choice when he became an adult, which was his right, and his marriage is one where he again had to choose…this time between his mom and his wife. He didn’t want to do that. It does not mean that the love is gone…it means he did the best he could in a very difficult situation. He voted for the future when there was no way to combine it with the past. As moms, we all have expectations regarding our adult children. Sometimes they are fulfilled and our family expands as the grandkids come along. Not always. Some wives, for reasons I don’t understand, close the doors on their husband’s biological family. You have brought your heart to me. Here is what I think I would suggest. I sincerely believe it’s what I would do in the same circumstances. Start a journal in which you write your thoughts and feelings…not for him to find later to pile guilt on him…he is already deeply sad within. I would arrange for someone to dispose of it when your time comes. I would write everything that comes up…whether anger at the present or cherished memories from the past. Both in all probability. Tell your son what you want to say to him. Pour your heart out and let it all go and somewhere peace miay come when you realize that you did a good job in raising him and he is a fine man. We raise them to leave the nest and make their own way. In our worst nightmare, we never imagine being left behind but many of us are. After a bit, expand your journal, and I know this is going to sound strange…but when you can…start writing entries back to you from your son. You know him better than anyone. You know what he would say if he could and how he feels in his heart. Any expression he has made that has not been loving…comes from others…not himself. Let him speak to you and wrtie back…all in your journa… and heal it. You are more powerful than you realize and you can free yourself from wanting to change what you can’t…and peace will come. Blessings, Luise

  5. M. December 18, 2011 at 8:01 pm #

    My son always picks on me. Ever since he met his wife he was a changed person.
    Every time she had a shower or anything she would have something to say about the
    way I acted. Never said thank you for the beautiful gifts. Never included us in anything.
    My son has changed since. He picks on things. Now that she had a baby, I am not
    to be trusted with the child. They started a big argument at a party and walked out.
    She said she would never see us again and said good bye to everyone but me.
    My son is angry and will not talk to me. My daughters are sick of this. When I send a
    card to the child and a gift I don’t get a response and they don’t cash it. He will speak
    to his father. Ever since she walked in my house she had something to say and it was
    always directed at me. Never came to visit or anything. Please give me advise. My
    son was very close to us before this. M.

    • Luise Volta December 19, 2011 at 2:52 pm #

      Please come over to my Web-forum where women with issues with adult children and extended families help each other to get through what you are describing. It can’t be changed but it is possible to heal and go on. http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com

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