Question: Dear Luise: I am a mother of three. two girls and one boy. and a grandson that i raise he is just like my son. My daughter dont call me . maybe every once in a while. the children eighter.I didnt raise them like that. She really dont like for me to say anything to her about her childrens when they are in the wrong. She never corect them aroung me when they are rude. If i say something to her about it. she says nothing. When i do see the kids its nothing there. speak and thats it.I have given as a mother should and prayed.When she had to live with me she stayed gone all the time and didnt do anything.then whin I say something she gets upset. R.
Answer: Dear R.: Many of us have tried to figure out why some of our adult children seem to come from a position of entitlement, where they refuse to mature into being mature and responsible. Their next step often seems to be to blame one parent or both for their actions.
Many of us have fallen into the trap of accepting the blame and trying to make sense of it. It’s not about us. We did our best and mose of us did a pretty, darn good job under our particular circumstances. We completed that job and let go because the time came when our children were young adults and needed to move on to making their own choices and facing the consequence of those choices, (or not.) We can’t make sense of the senseless or rewrite history. Sometimes, it works out that we stay friends but not always. We don’t get to decide that. We love them and often have to settle for that …either without being loved in return or, worse yet, some very nasty stuff that we don’t even comprehend.
My take is that it’s our responsibility to refuse such abuse. As role models, which we still are and always will be, we need to gather up our self-respect and set boundaries. If that involves no further contact, then that’s what’s called for. We were whole before we became parents and we get to have a life after they move on.
Should you want some support during this difficult time, please come over to my Web.forum, www.WiseWomenUnite.com where a community of women facing these issues offer each other understanding. Blessings, Luise