My Mother’s Sudden Death

Question: Dear Luise: I really think I need help but I dont want to get professional help.. My mother was my best friend the person I would call and contact for everything. One day she woke up in the morning having problems breathing.. At the hospital she kept saying she was going to die and she did… She died Nov. 10,2012 until now that is the worst dayof my life. She was only 55 years old and didnt deserve to die this way.. I can only sleep a few hours throughout the night she is the first person I think about when I wake up and the first person I think about when I go to sleep. My husband has been helping a lot with the kids I have a 4 and 6 year old and really dont want them to see me like this anymore.. I cant stop crying I cant stop grabbing the phone to  call her and then realize that I cant anymore.. This hollow and empty feeling inside me is horrible, I dont want pills I dont want anything I just want her back and I know I cant have her back.. What can I do I am going crazy, in front of people I act like nothing is wrong but everything just builds up and once they leave I just break down and lock myself in the room to cry… I really think I need some help. V.

Answer: Dear V.: Your mother has only been gone for three months. Most of us who have lost a loved one are still pretty fragile for quite a while beyond that. You weren’t prepared and you sound like you’re understandably finding it a terrible reality to have to adjust to. On top of that, you have responsibilities that are really hard keep up with when grief and shock are taking their toll.

All I can tell you is to hang in there and know that if and when you are willing to have grief counseling, it may bring you comfort. Some find it helpful and others don’t. We’re all so different. You say you don’t want to try that but you also say that you need some help.

I can only tell you that I found my help within. Not from a religious perspective but because that’s how it turned out. I lost my eldest son just as suddenly when he was 52. It was startled to find what took me down were my expectations. He was healthy, had just had a productive and happy day, went to bed and had a fatal sleep apnea induced stroke. He never even woke up. I expected that I would go first and I was more than willing for that to be the case. My list of expectations involved what was fair and reasonable…and that’s not necessarily Life. We can hope and dream, and plan and anticipate…but…we can’t “expect” anything. Not really. It’s a hard pill to swallow. From my acute sense of injustice, I landed in self-pity and no one could help with that. I just had to get it. It took a while but once I saw that my not having life (and death) be the way they are was taking me down…I came out the other side knowing I was in charge of my perceptions, joy, sorrow and yes, anger. That may not be your road…but it’s all I have to offer. You have resources, we all do. When push comes to shove most of us have to go inside and access them…with or without outside help. Give it some time and be kind to yourself. Blessings, Luise

 

4 Responses to My Mother’s Sudden Death

  1. K. February 13, 2013 at 11:37 am #

    I just lost my mom a week ago I am lost to not sure what to do we talked everyday and and every night after work she would come and see me and the kids on her days off we would whole on top of that my husband travels so every week it seems like everyone is getting threw it I have 4 kids a 1 1/2 year old two year old 13 year 11 year old I know I need two get threw it but I keep seeing her I had talked to her that morning she had a really bad asthma attack. I found her. K.

    • Luise Volta February 16, 2013 at 11:56 am #

      K – Your mother has only been gone a week. Most of us who have lost a loved one are still pretty fragile for quite a while beyond that. You weren’t prepared and you sound like you’re understandably finding it a terrible reality to have to adjust to. On top of that, you have responsibilities that are really hard keep up with when grief and shock are taking their toll.

      All I can tell you is to hang in there and know that if and when you are willing to have grief counseling, it may bring you comfort. Some find it helpful and others don’t. We’re all so different. You say you don’t want to try that but you also say that you need some help.

      When I lost my mom, I found my help within. Not from a religious perspective but because that’s how it turned out. I lost my eldest son just as suddenly when he was 52. It was startled to find what took me down were my expectations. He was healthy, had just had a productive and happy day, went to bed and had a fatal sleep apnea induced stroke. He never even woke up. I expected that I would go first and I was more than willing for that to be the case. My list of expectations involved what was fair and reasonable…and that’s not necessarily Life. We can hope and dream, and plan and anticipate…but…we can’t “expect” anything. Not really. It’s a hard pill to swallow. From my acute sense of injustice, I landed in self-pity and no one could help with that. I just had to get it. It took a while but once I saw that my not having life (and death) be the way they are was taking me down…I came out the other side knowing I was in charge of my perceptions, joy, sorrow and yes, anger. That may not be your road…but it’s all I have to offer. You have resources, we all do. When push comes to shove most of us have to go inside and access them…with or without outside help. Give it some time and be kind to yourself. Blessings, Luise

  2. J. March 24, 2013 at 9:39 am #

    am glad to find this page where i can talk about my feelings, am the first born my mum died she was sick, i remember when i heard the news i shouted calling her i begged her to come back to me and ever since that day i feel so lost and angry i feel like ts unfair why her,, inever knew one day she would die now am left with the kids and they are young. each time i look at them i feel like falling down and crying so hard,i cant take it some times i forget and want to call her sometimes things happen to me that i wish she could hear me when i tell her those thing,, sometimes i cry even while walking sometimes the emotions are so build up and i rush to the washroom to cry. i work in a hospital isee some casses that remind me of her its hard for me i even carry her phyotos in my bag and feel like i have a session of crying each day. Please help am going crazy. J.

    • Luise Volta March 25, 2013 at 12:02 pm #

      J. – My take is that you need help with accepting that we all die and it can happen any time. We don’t have to like it but we do have to learn to live with it. Please find a grief counselor or Group…or both…to help you accept this reality and move on. I know for me it was terribly hard and I needed help, too. Blessings, Luise

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