Question: Dear Luise: My man of 10 years just started fighting with me and putting me down out of the blue. We “never” had bad words to each other, no arguments in the entire relationship. Things were great .I became only a shell of myself I lost all self-esteem. I soon found out that he met a woman who had “just” been released from a Federal Prison and was in a Federal Half Way House. She had spent 6 years in jail for trafficking Crack through 3 States, has an extensive record that also includes Violence, got pregnant while in Prison. She still has 5 more years Probation to do. He got her a house, furnished it, paid all her fines and Probation Fee’s. Got her custody of her child, had her teeth all fixed, bought her a car and lives with her now. Let me add that this man is anti drug! I just don’t understand. She isn’t any Beauty Queen; she is actually pretty scary looking. He’s 65, she is 44.The child is 6 and he used to get upset when my or his Grandchildren used to be around for too long. What happened here? I am so confused! I can’t seem to get over this! For some reason I worry about him. This is so out of character. He was the Love of My Life! K.
Answer: Dear K.: I know you would feel better and maybe even find closure if you could make some sense out of your guy’s behavior but that’s an exercise in futility. There is no logic involved. We never totally know another person, or ourselves, for that matter. We’re all complex and to a degree, unpredictable, under certain circumstance. If they don’t arise, we can look pretty good.
My guess, and it’s just that…is that it fed his ego to become the rescuer of someone two decades younger and needy. He just lost his head, and voted to ride in on his white horse and save his version of “the fair, young damsel in distress.” How sad that he passed on maturity when heading for 70.
I think you have reason to worry about him. He hasn’t acted in his own best interest and when the novelty wears off, he’s probably going to hate paying the price for his foolishness.
People his age are often at the slowing down phase of their lives. That’s why becoming 65 is seen by many as the perfect age to retire. Reckless decisions are usually in the long-ago past. They are happily settled and enjoying the fruits of the many hardships they have had to go through. It’s often a very pleasant and rewarding time. Many couples enjoy travel and seek adventures together.
However, for others, that whole picture can be terrifying. It may symbolize the beginning of the end. The inevitability of mortality may loom, as changes take place. What better solution than to become young again by starting a new relationship with a younger person and having a child to raise again?
Most of us find there are lots of things better but than that…if we don’t trip over our egos. Big “if.” When we do trip and fall, it is often carefully disguised as love, doing good deeds, being incredibly generous or some other admirable trait.
It is about him, not you. Move on and let the healing process begin when you can. If you had failed…losing self-esteem might be reasonable but you haven’t failed, he has…big time. Blessings, Luise