Question: Dear Luise: I’m indeed glad I came across you online and I have immense faith in your problem solving abilities and I’m sure you would help me out of my problem. Well, my parents had arranged a match for me a year ago (in July), to a decent, financially stable guy with a great family background. The guy has all the good qualities a girl would want in her partner. He doesn’t have any vices, is a decent guy, matured, family oriented and good looking. Parents got us engaged this January and the wedding is due in December. There’s just one problem however…This guy doesn’t show the slightest loving gestures towards me. His talks only revolve around his work life, world famous gangsters, fast cars, his pet dog and the like…He, never even once has said anything loving or romantic to me as yet, although its been almost a year now since we are going out. I could have compromised with this too…what more, he never calls me, when I do call him, most often, his phone is switched off, and when i do get connected, and leave a missed call, he doesn’t call back. This causes me to undergo feelings of self-pity and frustration…He can do without calling me for 6-7 days in a row! He doesn’t seem to care about what’s happening at my end…I’m a beautiful girl myself and the only child of my parents and really wished he had not behaved like this with me. It’s not that I want his 24 hour attention for myself…even 5 minutes a day could have been more than enough…but how do I go in for marriage with a guy who doesn’t even bother to give me a tiny chunk of his time? I tried explaining my uneasiness over this behavior of his about 10-12 time in this last year…The ‘discussions’ were really serious, wherein we put across our points of view in a gentle manner. He says he tends to remain busy and all that. I don’t agree…All I’ve asked for is like 5 minutes of his time in a day. Its ridiculous for him to say he doesn’t have time. He’s assured me there’s no ‘third person’ in his life, and he really likes me. Why does he still go on like this then? I tried doing everything I could Luise…changed my way of speaking, behaving, left behind my social life, reduced my weight, changed my dressing style…just about everything so that I look more appealing, practiced witchcraft…nothing seems to work. I hate the fact that I’m going to get married to a completely insensitive and inconsiderate person in December…and I feel like backing out. My marriage has been registered legally and if I back out now, there are going to be all the legal hassles, plus, the social stigma. Please advise me on how do I deal with this situation. Deep within, I do not wish to lose him and really want this relationship to work. What do I do? A.
Answer: Dear A.: I am very much afraid that what you see is what you are going to get. If a gentleman isn’t interested in talking about anything but himself and his interests and isn’t attentive and affectionate before the wedding, how can you possibly look for much after you are his wife? Many men at least pretend, sometimes even convincing themselves, and then revert back after they marry…so you have to give him points for honesty. He may just want the convenience of a wife and children and think it is the thing to do at this stage in his life…and that you will do. Will marrying you also be a wise financial decision for him?
This all hinges on what you are willing to have for a life. My guess is that he will support you well and honor you as the mother of his children, but I doubt if you are going to be able to create a romance or a loving, mutual partnership. Don’t count on anything changing. For some women, that is enough. You will be comfortable, respected and well taken care of. If that will work for you, stay with the plan. What you will have to give up is asking for more. You will never get anywhere asking for 5 minutes a day if he finds his other interests more compelling. You shouldn’t have to ask. You know that. My guess is that his idea of “making a relationship work” and yours are very different and always will be.
If you want more, and I think you do or your wouldn’t have written to me, you are headed for an unhappy life and it is worth the difficulties involved to end the contract. I’m sure your parents want you to find joy and fulfillment and will back you. I think, personally, that being married should be better than being single, or what’s the point? Why sign up for a life of loneliness and disappointment? Blessings, Luise