My Daughter Hates Me

Question: Dear Luise: My daughter & I have always been very close. She would turn to medaily to ask for help, advice, opinions, or just to talk.  We were SO close. 3 yrs ago I battled with addiction to pain killers & during that time frame she became very irritable w/me, yet supportive & still expressing that she loved me. Then one day after a series of hard times, she called me intoxicated & screamed that she hated me & wished I was dead & I’d never see my grandkids again.  One of whom I have an extremely close bond to & she has taken him completely out of my life. I have cried, asked why, bribed, begged, expressed anger,sadness, & remorse.  I’ve begged for forgiveness & I tried leaving her alone.  She  won’t speak to me. I spent the holidays alone last year, I can’t do it again. She has become VERY close with my sister who I had a falling out with 10 yrs ago & during that time my sister wasn’t a part of her life.  Now, my daughter bought a house next door to my sister & I have been replaced! To say my heart is broken is like saying the sun is a little bright.  I am so depressed & I was once an extrovert, but now a total hermit. I have no friends anymore cause I have displaced pain & hurt onto others in the form of outbursts & rage without provocation &  no one likes me anymore,no one. I got really mad at my daughter 1 day & I had told her offbadly. She did have it coming, but I was way over board. I have told her how sorry I am, & that i ADORE & miss her so much. I want to show her how sorry I am & try to show her through my behavior that I awilling to do anything at all to repair our relationship. I am at the end of my rope. I can’t imagine what I would do if this turns out to be permanent. What can I do to get her to see that I’m  sorry & that I need her in my life?  I know i need a counselor, I’ve become a hermit tho & I’m  afraid to talk to anyone. Im beginning to think this is howmy life ends up. Please help! T.
Answer: Dear T.: I deeply admire your honesty and grasp of your reponsibility in the rift you are facing. My guess, and that’s all it is, is that your daughter knows if she continues it will only be a matter of time until you abuse her again. I’m not a trained counselor and I agree that’s what you need. Please seek professional help. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

3 Responses to My Daughter Hates Me

  1. M. October 21, 2012 at 9:25 pm #

    I am so sorry, my dear soul, for your pain. However, this is not the “place” to expect any kind of empathy or answers. If you look at the “answers” to all the requests for help, they are the same.

    Do you have anyone in your life to whom you CAN talk to? A partner in life? Anyone? The truth is that “anger” can come from many sources. I need not to have you “relive” the events of your life in order for you to know this. You already know. Lashing out is instinctive when you feel you have now other way or “avenue” to express yourself. Please try to explain this to your daughter. It may not work, so do not “count” upon it… she went to the only “available” source SHE knew of to go to at the time. Saying you have been “replaced” pretty much explains that.

    I do not agree that it will only be a “matter of time until you abuse her again”… I believe love can conquer all. I am not alone in this thought or belief. Counseling may help. If you go, then perhaps your daughter will see that you are making an “effort”… don’t let others stand in your way and lead you down the wrong path… you’ve been down it, already.

    Turn around and look… the sunshine is not at the end of the path you are now on… We are all humans and that is what makes us “frail”, not “fail”… “Guessings” are of no help, and in my humble opinion, are useless.

    Try your best, for that is all you can do. Keep your “anger” away and show the love inside your heart… I believe your daughter WILL respond kindly if you do so…M.

  2. N. October 24, 2012 at 6:10 am #

    My heart goes out to you in that I’ve a similar experience. I cried a great deal, and too hermitted myself, before realizing that it was I who was chained by the grief of the situation. In regards to your sister..although painful (I understand as it happened to me as well), the most loving thing you can do is hold to the belief that under any circumstance, the more people who love your daughter the better, and with this peace filled thought the links of the grief chain fall off one by one, but by the pride you have in your own gracious behavior.N.

  3. M. October 30, 2012 at 6:29 pm #

    N.- I am just a fan of Luise’s website and often read through it. Just wanted to let you know that I think that is some of the BEST advice you could give someone in that type of situation. Kudos to you, and you must be a really good mom! 🙂 M.

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