My Adult Children Hate Me

Question: Dear Luise: I wrote you almost 2 years ago telling you that my son hates me and thinks I am a terrible mother. Since then, things couldn’t be worse. You were so right on in your advice. I am not allowed to see my grandchildren or send gifts or cards. My youngest daughter has followed suit and ripped my other grandson out of my life too. My oldest daughter did not speak to me for months. I could no longer take the pain and I moved 300 miles away. The day before I moved, my oldest daughter answered my phone call. She was angry for so long because her and her husband were living with us and things were not going well, so my husband asked them to find another place to live. We talked, we both cried and she agreed to let me see her and my 4 grandchildren before I left. I was so happy, and my daughter, grandchildren and I have some contact. My son and youngest daughter are trying to get her to go with them to get a restraining order against me. I was so hurt when I heard that and I don’t understand why, or how they could when I have no contact with them (their wishes, not mine). I can’t stop hurting. I can’t stop my tears. My heart is broken. I have tried so hard to repair the relationship with my 2 children. I Don’t understand, I never will understand how your own children can ‘Hate’ the person that loved them, fed them, cared for them. Sometimes I find it hard to go on hurting so badly. I have been to counseling. It doesn’t take away my heartache. Please help me know where to go from here. How can I not want to try again and again? I have never endured such pain accept for the death of my first born at 6 months old. It’s like they died and I am grieving my 2 adult children and 3 grandchildren Instead of one child. D.

Answer: Dear D.: Good to hear from you again but of course I wish you had better news.

I know that suggesting that you learn to live without your kids and grand kids is like suggesting you cut off your arms and legs and then have a normal life. Yet, what are your other choices? You can’t change other people, the realities they create or the dynamics they set up.

Counseling is usually better than nothing. No, it doesn’t remove the heartbreak but you are heard and understood and that can support healing.

I suggest you come over to my Web-Forum, http://www.motherinlawsunite.com to further share what you are going through. It’s a new site that I set up for open discussion on these issues. We have to go on…whether we like it or not and for some of us, it helps to find a supportive community. Blessings, Luise

374 Responses to My Adult Children Hate Me

  1. L. August 6, 2009 at 7:43 pm #

    I am so sorry to hear of this, i do hope things get better for you. I, too have a daughter who hates me and believes that I am the worst thing that ever happened to her. 25 years ago my doctor said it might save my life to have an abortion, I chose not to and gave birth to her. I risked my life to give her one, and she hates me! Like you, I don’t understand how this is possible. To make matters worse, I heard my daughter is now pregnant with her first child, a child that I will most likely never see, due to her hatred. The essential problem is, that i had the nerve to divorce her father who did nothing but lie and cheat the 28 years we were married, to this day i don’t know how i tolerated him for as long as i did. the world is a cruel place, its in Gods hands. Maybe some day things will change. L.

    • Luise August 6, 2009 at 9:26 pm #

      It’s a long, tough road to raise children and love them deeply only to lose them later on. Some have to rationalize a divorce and can’t stop idealizing the parent who doesn’t deserve it. I have a web-Forum where we talk about issues with adult children. Please think about coming over and joining us. Blessings, Luise
      http://www.motherinlawsunite.com

  2. M. August 11, 2009 at 9:14 pm #

    Dear L.:I am so sorry for your pain. I have a daughter who hates me also. I love her so much. I moved from one state to raise three children by myself. And she married a man where his whole family lives on the same block. She worships his mother. She is now best friends with her father and step-mother (they cheated for 2 years) but I don’t care about that. I never get to see my grand-daughter and she is so precious. She just had a new baby boy and she told my other daughter not to tell me. I creid all night. Why? would a child kick their mother to the curb? Why? She and her husband have treated me like dirt. What can you do? Nothing. Its worth than death. I feel like I am being punished for something but I don’t know what it is. God help me. She never will know what it was like to have struggled, we were poor, but clean good home, good food. I thought. My other two children, say mom, you have us? They don’t understand–to loose a child is so painful. Too be excluded for nothing. Her father didn’t send a card for 18 years–nothing and now they are best friends. I’m glad she found peace with him. But why me? She told my other daughter that I fed her baby water-and I’m a horrible granmother. I told her she is a year old-and bugs drink water. Oh well. I’ve got to pray and maybe someday she will come back. But, I am getting old-and time goes by so fast. thanks for letting me vent. I am heart broken. M.

    • Luise August 11, 2009 at 9:37 pm #

      Dear M. This kind of thing is totally beyond understanding. And it is horrible. Please come over to my web-Forum and share what you are going through with the others there. They are a group of compassionate, wise and supportive women who know what you are up against.

      The URL is: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com

      Blessings, Luise

  3. I. August 21, 2009 at 8:37 pm #

    Dear D: I too know the pain of being hated by an adult child. She’s 32 and lives 1000 miles away with her husband and my grandson. I’m told she wants to be 1000 miles away from me; that I’m inadequate as a mother; that I have embarrassed her in the past; that I’m not up to her social par, etc., etc. There is no forgiveness in her heart. She fails to see any embarrassment or hurt she has caused me or all that it took out of me to raise her; much less birth her at 17 when abortion was everyone else’s cure. I fought for her life yet she hates me. It’s all about her. Everything is about her and when it comes to HATE in any form, that is what you will find – self-centeredness, self-righteousness, blame and judgment of others, justified by any pain they have felt in the past. I have concluded that until my child grows up spiritually, she will always choose to feel this way about me because it makes her a bigger person in her own mind. I can’t do anything about that but I can and do follow my own belief system and pray for both of us. I.

    • Luise August 22, 2009 at 7:39 am #

      Thank you for responding to D. We can offer each other great comfort no matter how differing our spiritual beliefs are. Blessings, Luise

    • Luise August 22, 2009 at 9:04 am #

      Thanks for responding to “D.”. We are all on differing spiritual paths, of course, and supporting each other can be a wonderful experience.

  4. K. October 23, 2009 at 2:09 am #

    My two grown daughters hate me. They say I am controlling, manipulative, mean, but they have truly embellish so many things that I feel they just need to hate me right now for some reason. I was a hovering mother. Maybe that is why. I gave them everything and then started taking care of me. Maybe that is why. They have very controlling men in their lives. Maybe that is why. They won’t tell me. They just tell me to stay away and I can’t see my grandchildren. It is a mystery to me and a heartbreak. It is hard to go on. I just want to know. How can I change if I don’t know? My daughters are best friends…so I am odd man out. They are not lonely. I am very lonely. How do you go on with this much depression and confusion? I don’t have many friends, because my family was my social life…and suddenly it ended. I lost 7 of my loved ones at once. The holidays are here and I don’t see this changing. I just want to survive it. Please tell me where I can get help…not counseling, but a support group of people, so I don’t feel completely alone. I feel like I am dying. Please tell me what might help that I can afford. Please. This is hell and I never expected it…never. We were always close. Thank you so much. K.

    • Luise October 26, 2009 at 5:43 am #

      Dear K.: It is hard sometimes to remember that we were whole people before we became mothers. It doesn’t look like the “whys” are going to help you if your daughters are judging you on the past (real or imagined) and are creating a united front. Their motivation sounds pretty self-generated…with you as the victim.

      I agree that a support group is the answer. You might want to see a counselor just once to find out what is available where you live or you could go to your minister and ask for direction. Or better yet, do both. Where I live, the County Senior Services (not senior centers, necessarily), is the answer. They screen people for depression and put them in support programs that are free. There is help out there but you may have to be consistently pro-active to find it. There is life after parenting because, as I said, you had a life before parenting. You just need some help finding and accepting it as your next alternative.

      I have a resource for you on the web. It’s my web-Forum http://motherinlawsunite.com
      You will find a very supportive community there and it isn’t limited to mother in laws, there are many other issues regarding adult children that are discussed.

      You gave your daughters life. Their lack of respect and their unwillingness to work through this with you, (whatever “this” is) is not so much a reflection on you as it is on them. It’s about their path in life and their values. You are a worthwhile and yes, lovable, individual and you deserve a great deal more. It is up to yo to find it and validate yourself, which is what you are doing by writing to me. Keep it up and don’t give up. Blessings, Luise

  5. K. November 21, 2009 at 1:03 am #

    I just read some of these. I’m dying inside. I don’t know how I can really stand another set of holidays. It’s been over a year since my 27yo daughter took my beautiful only grandaugter and herself out of my life. She has a restraining order and made up horrific lies to get it. She asked for a continuance of for another year. My other children have tried to talk to her but she has nothing to do with any of them now because they would not disown me. My god, I have prayed til I can’t anymore. How do I live without seeing my grandchild. I’m so lost. K.

  6. B. December 6, 2009 at 12:15 am #

    To K. I am writing this to help you, not to hurt you. Please try to read it with an open mind. Your two daughters hate you and they have told you very clearly the reasons why:
    “They say I am controlling, manipulative, mean” and
    “I was a hovering mother.” Unfortunately, you do not validate their reasons as you wrote: “but they have truly embellish so many things that I feel they just need to hate me right now for some reason.” You wrote:
    “They have very controlling men in their lives. Maybe that is why. They won’t tell me.” No, that is not why. Your daughters already told you why but you dismissed it as ’embelleshing’.
    “They just tell me to stay away and I can’t see my grandchildren. It is a mystery to me and a heartbreak.”
    It is not a mystery, once again, they told you what the problem was but you dismissed it. “It is hard to go on. I just want to know. How can I change if I don’t know?”
    Once again, but you do know what is wrong! “My daughters are best friends…so I am odd man out. They are not lonely. I am very lonely. How do you go on with this much depression and confusion?” By dropping the drama and victim attitude and solve the real reasons of the problem. This needy and catastrophic attitude is seen as manipulation, blackmail and guilt trips from you. As for your daughters being your best friends, I am afraid it is only a fantasy on your head, as they are not corresponding the friendship.You would like them to be your best friends, which is very different from actually being your best friends. “I don’t have many friends, because my family was my social life…and suddenly it ended.” That is a big problem and a big mistake on your part. You need to snap out of it and build a social circle, find friends and and stop obsessing about this situation. Volunteer at a hospital, at your church’s nursery, try to fill this void any other way. “I lost 7 of my loved ones at once. The holidays are here and I don’t see this changing.” You do not see this changing because you did not address the reasons why your daughters are avoiding you.
    “I just want to survive it. Please tell me where I can get help…not counseling, but a support group of people, so I don’t feel completely alone.” You do need counseling, but that is part of the problem, you are not willing to face the real situation and face it. “I feel like I am dying. Please tell me what might help that I can afford. Please. This is hell and I never expected it…never.” When your daughters addressed the problem with you, have you told them you were dying and this is hell? This kind of dramatic comments make you the passive victim instead of the active participant that would like to solve the problem. You need to drop the drama, face the problem, if not for your daughters, for your own mental sanity. “We were always close.” Maybe it is true, but if you asked your daughters, you may be surprised. Two daughters do not cut off their mother just because, there has to be a good reason for it. They do not want you around their children in order to protect them from you. The solution is in your hands. I can guarantee you that if your daughters see a consistent change in your attitude, over an extended period of time, your relationship could be fixed. B.

  7. N. January 16, 2010 at 9:11 pm #

    i feel the same pain. i have 2 daughters that don’t want me around them and i miss my 4 grandchildren so much sometimes i think i can’t go on. i cry so much i need a support group. I am not very good at the computer so i don’ know if you will get this. N.

    • Luise January 17, 2010 at 6:57 am #

      Dear N. You did just fine on the computer. They mystify me, too. Please come over to my Web-forum at: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com if you feel it might help. It addresses issues between mothers and adult children. Blessings, Luise

  8. P. March 12, 2010 at 6:39 pm #

    Dear Luise: Since my divorce 12 years ago my daughters have not talked to me. I have called them but they are distant. I know I made a big mistake when I left them when I divorced. They were not babies; they were 13 and 18 years old. Dad cheated and I left. OK, I know I left them but you would think they would understand now. They are 26 and 30 and they want nothing to do with me. Help. P.

    Dear P.: I have just watched this play out first hand with a close friend who left her husband three years ago. Her girls were then 15 and 17. It’s a very tough situation. They haven’t forgiven her but they are in contact and they’re trying.

    There’s nothing I know of that you can do to change how people think. They probably reinforce each other and their Dad may add fuel to the fire.

    I did something similar when my sons were 9 and 17 but I took them with me. It’s a selfish thing to do. We put ourselves first. My husband didn’t even cheat; I was just stifled in the marriage. Knowing we were wrong doesn’t erase anything. One of my son’s forgave and the other didn’t.

    Please come over to my Web-forum: http://www.wisewomenunite.com I think you may find support and understanding there. Blessings, Luise

  9. kelly April 2, 2010 at 3:59 pm #

    I feel that all of yor people should forget about these monster children of yours and find a new life for yourself. these children are in the world for their own posposes. God has only use you to let them in. I know that it is hard, but let them go. I have learnt a very useful lesson. I am a single parent who has struggled with my two daughters and have done nothing but good for them. I loved with all of my heart. As soon as they can out of school, one went and got married and both of them have kid. After I finished paying for my land and needed to build a home I asked if one of them could co sign with me for the home they sad no, they have their own things to so. These girls didn’t even consider me. I am have bank loan to this day because I have been considering my childen. Everything I did I did it for them. How am I suppose to feel? I don’t know how to deal with these kid anymore.

  10. K April 2, 2010 at 4:06 pm #

    I feel that all of yor people should forget about these monster children of yours and find a new life for yourself. these children are in the world for their own posposes. God has only use you to let them in. I know that it is hard, but let them go. I have learnt a very useful lesson. I am a single parent who has struggled with my two daughters and have done nothing but good for them. I loved with them all my heart. As soon as they came out of school, one went and got married and both of them have kids. After I finished paying for my land and needed to build a home I asked if one of them could co sign with me for the home ( I have a good job and would be able to make my own payment, all I needed was a co signer) I ask them and they sad no they have their own things to do. These girls didn’t even consider me. I have bank loans to this day because I have been considering my childen. Everything I did I did it for them. How am I suppose to feel? I don’t know how to deal with these kid any more.

    • Luise April 4, 2010 at 10:04 pm #

      I agree that there are times we just need to go on alone. It’s impossible to understand.

  11. L. April 21, 2010 at 10:43 pm #

    My son and daughter both hate me. I just don’t understand how your child can treat the person who took such good care of them suddenly don’t want to be near me. I am sad daily. I cry at night. I am miserable. I don’t know why they hate me so. I was the mother who was always there for my children. I supported them in everything they did. I allowed them to express their feeling and emotions without judgment. They never went without. My whole life was focused on their well being. I even embraced my son who is gay. I’ve always told him I loved him and support him and very proud of him. My daughter ran off with her boyfriend who encouraged her to break our house rules and encourage me to kick her out. She loves and adores his Mother. My heart is broken….I am suffering. I put a mask on everyday with a smile but inside I just want to die. I wonder if they know how much they are hurting me? L.

  12. T. April 25, 2010 at 9:17 pm #

    I really don’t know where to start. We have two grown daughters who are in alcohol and drug addiction recovery. Both of them at one time or another and at the same time moved in with us. Unfortunately, I work at the same school our grandchildren attended. When the grandkids were failing classes and the teachers e-maile our daughter, she deleted the messages…eventually, the teachers would tell me the situation. I was concerned and priveleged to the parental passwords to online information and tried desparately to get my daughter to actively participate in her children’s school activities and talk to the teachers. My husband and my daughters thought I had crossed the line and none of this was any of my business. Unfortunately, I worked there and really care about the success of my grandchildren. All of a sudden, I found myself on an island alone in my own home. There was a huge fight and my grandson punched a hole in the wall and called his dad (who hardly had any contact with the kids) to come and get him. A week later our grandaughter left too. Within two weeks the dad’s girlfriend had a melt down and our daughter moved to protect the kids. Her oldest son still lives with us, but is rude, disrespectful and is now a freshman in college, (I think). My sister left a trust fund for all the kids for college, but it was in my daughter’s name and I’m certain he doesn’t go to school, just uses it to party. One of his friends came home the other night…slept in the guest room… puked all over and left. My husband defended my grandson. I’m terribly afraid of my husband when he gets angry…so I just tiptoe around. Yesterday I asked my grandson not to bring his friends home if they’ve been drinking. He got mad and left. Again I haven’t mentioned this to my husband out of fear. I’m 63 and really can’t go it alone, but I don’t know what to do. I’m miserably unhappy. THanks…Tammy

    • Luise April 26, 2010 at 8:05 am #

      Oh, Tammy, you are going it alone. Get some counseling please and get out of there. Any “alone” is better than that one. I am 83 and just had to put my 98 year-old husband in a nursing home and I am learning to “go it alone.” The others are responsible for sorting out their lives…you are responsible for yours and you deserve so much better.

      Also, please consider coming over to my Web-forum: http://www.wisewomenunite.com for additional support. Blessings, Luise

  13. E. April 26, 2010 at 8:50 pm #

    Every time my daughter and I get into a argument she brings up the past and reminds me what a horrible parent I was. I was a parting mom, I worked two jobs, divorced from her father who wouldn’t pay child support. When I got sick I quit my job and for the past 13 years help take care of her children so they didn’t have to get strangers to babysit while, her and her husband worked. I got them ready for school, cleaned her house etc. Again this past week we got into a argument because she didn’t want her husband to know she bought a gift for my sister. They are on a budget. Well per usual she threw it in I wasn’t a good mother to her. I needed some groceries to tide me over till I received my social security check, she told me I could go hungry just like she did as a kid. She forgets we all went hungry just had the bare essentials. I am a diabetic. I have tried to make up for things I did wrong over and over. By basically being her maid and babysitter for free. I felt I owed it. My boys are totally different. My youngest who is 33 was so upset, he brought me groceries and reminded me he didn’t want me to move close to her away from other family. But I did. Now I’m alone here and it hurts not to see the grandchildren I feel I helped raise. They are awesome kids. The tears and the depression does not go away. She is only one street away, and let me go hungry. E.

    • Luise April 26, 2010 at 9:17 pm #

      I can’t begin to understand that but God bless your son!

  14. D. May 3, 2010 at 9:21 am #

    Wow! I have read your comments and I empathize with all of you. My kids are 19, 17, 14, and 12. And the oldest three hate me so much, I think they want me to die. They cause me so much heartache, that I can’t take it anymore. I do feel like I am dying inside and I get really bad headaches. I don’t have grandchildren, but I do know that they are going to punish me for not doing something. I just don’t know what that something is. I have given them everything and I have given them all my attention. I am single and I do not date at all. My kids used to be straight A students, now they are achieving less and throwing up in my face. My son who was in GATE and the honor program will be failing the entire 11th grade. He said he did it on purpose to hurt me, but I told him that his failures are not my failures. He is 17. My 19 yr old is in college and now she does not care about her grades. She does not study nor does she do any chores. My 14 years talks really bad in front of her friends and now her grades are also slipping. The youngest continues to make straight A and is number one in her class. They resent her and tell her to make bad grades so that I will be sad. I don’t understand what I did to deserve this type of treatment. They break everything, they don’t clean, they mess up everything, they take things out the house, give things to their friends, they don’t check in, they are very disrespectful to me, they call me names. I don’t know what happen to my perfect children who once loved me. They act like spoiled, ungrateful children who have a false sense of entitlement. I want to runaway and take my youngest and never talk to them again. My son has been living with his father for the last 8 months and he gives me guilt trips because he said I kicked him out. I don’t want him in my house because he does not listen and it filters to the other children in the home. I want my oldest daughter to move out because she gets on my nerves. I told her to take out her trash and she dumped it on my bed. I explained to her that she should not eat out as much and pay her own bills. And she continues to use her money for her own personal things and leave me with paying her bills. I think they want me to die and they have mentioned it to me a lot. What do I do when my kids hate me and want me to die? Was I too nice with my children? Was I a permissive parent? I have rules that are simple, but they don’t and won’t abide by them since they became teenagers. I love them so much and I really am worried about them. D.

    • Luise May 6, 2010 at 8:03 pm #

      It sounds like your kids have banded together and are having a great time. As they become old enough to leave I would heave a big sign of relief. Until then, it sounds like you are doing all you can do…unfortunately. You deserve a lot better. Blessings, Luise

  15. PJM May 4, 2010 at 11:30 pm #

    After reading all the other sad posts about other mother’s problems, I feel like my problems are so minuscule, in comparison.

    I graduated at 16, married at 17, and was a mother before I was 18. The marriage did not last, and I went home to my parents, along with my child. My mother completely took over my child, and refused to allow me to take him when I was in a position to move. I was told that they would fight me, and they had more financial resources than I did. Of course. This was over fifty years ago.

    I remarried a couple of years later, got my degree, and had a good career, along with a happy home. We had two daughters. My mother summarily turned my daughters against me, telling them I was a bad mother. This is rubbish, I had absolutely no choice but to let her take over my first child.

    My parents passed away dozens of years ago. My husband and I had noticed them distancing themselves from us, in the last 8-10 years. We chalked it up to their busy schedules, but did discuss this discernible lack of closeness.

    Holidays were always at our home, we have a large home and can accomodate as many as 24 at our dining room table. We always bore the expenses of every holiday meal, only requesting they bring some insignificant item like rolls, to special meals.

    They acted like they were being punished, by coming to our Holiday meals. Mind you- I cook a gourmet cuisine, every one of them acknowledged the superiority of the meals- and I would always bring out all the silver, good dishes and crystal for these events.

    They started ignoring both my husband and me. They acted like we were just serving people. They talked among themselves, and acted like we did not exist.

    It finally came to a head, and both girls, and our oldest granddaughter turned on me like cur dogs.

    Both my husband and I disowned all of them. Even though we had created a living trust, we are changing the beneficiaries to be the local Humane Society, instead of these rotten little ingrates.

    Our youngest daughter made overtures in a Christmas card- hoping we could patch things up in 2010.

    Her son- one of our favorite grandchildren- contacted me last month for genealogical information for a school project. I was happy to supply copious information for him. Our ancestors were pioneers and we have at least five places named for them on the map, and we are quite proud of the heritage we pass along to our progeny.

    I requested he let us know how he did, when he presented his report. We never heard from him. I chalked it up to him being a busy youngster, but I was still hurt.

    Today, our youngest daughter phoned, requesting to speak to her father. He was on a remote part of our ranch. Her “breezy” attitude was disconcerting, to say the least.

    Her, “Hi Mom!!” was an unwelcome sound! If she thinks she can treat me like dirt and come back back some months later with a breezy, “Hi Mom!!” she is mistaken. I had him call her back, she had a question about the state lottery!!

    I have never heard an apology for the mean and hateful things that were said by the three of them last August.

    I am in a world of hurt. A family friend is dying of cancer, I am in the middle of writing a book, my husband is having physical problems, and now the damn younger kid thinks she can blow off all the horrible words she has said to me!!

    In a word: Bull! I wish she would either muster up the gumption to give me a damned good explanation and an apology, or just leave us alone!!

    I will not forget, nor will I forgive, unless I hear something that sounds like a proper explanation and apology.

    Frankly, I feel too much water has gone under the bridge, to patch this up. Let the Humane Society reap the rewards of our hard work. Little animals are deserving, I doubt our children are!

    Any comments?

    • Luise May 5, 2010 at 12:42 pm #

      You did your best. That’s what I get. What more can kids expect? You put together a good marriage, a good career and a good home after a really tough start. Kids turn out however they do and some that have horrible childhoods are real winners. I have never understood it and have stopped trying. Your anger is very clear and your actions follow it logically. In your place, I think I’d enjoy the rest of my life with my guy and accept the kids back if and when they came with remorse and respect. Blessings, Luise

  16. PJM May 5, 2010 at 10:14 pm #

    Thank you for your sage advice, Luise. I cannot begin to tell you how comforting it is to actually talk with someone who understands, and does not poo-poo my comments as those of a “pre-dementia” person, (to quote my oldest granddaughter.)

    I need to get myself some face-to-face friends. Any suggestions? We live in a small town on the central California coast.

    I hesitate to contact AARP (of which we are members) as I do not want to become one of those old bags that do nothing but gossip, and dye their fuzz heads blue!!

    Damn, that sounds really mean. I am 68, my husband is 67. We are not the old, out-of-date people that our children think we are. We like our wood furniture to be antique (which I personally have restored, myself, to a museum quality), but we insist our technology be the most current! I even installed an additional 4 gigs of ram in our desk computer, myself.

    So, any suggestions?

    • Luise May 6, 2010 at 6:16 pm #

      I don’t know…when I look for friends it’s a no go but then they just turn up and strange places. Keep your antennae at attention.

  17. PJM May 5, 2010 at 10:21 pm #

    Sorry, here’s a post script: Our oldest daughter called today, harried and being interrupted by urgent things at her work; finally, she came back on, and screamed, “Are you OK?” I could not hold back from saying, “WHY do you ask??”

    Damn. This ticks me off, she-through our granddaughter- blasted me mercilessly, last August. I sent her (our daughter) her favorite candy when she had an operation. That was the last I had heard from her, then the screamed, “Are you OK??”

    She became very nasty and said she would not BOTHER me any longer.

    I “guess” this is my “Mother’s Day” call.

    What a load of crap!!!

    My husband and I agree, that we should have raised parrots!! P.

  18. B. May 13, 2010 at 6:48 pm #

    Oh my where do I begin. My daughter have not talked me in a month! Everything that has happened in her life is “my fault.” I raised two children alone worked to jobs and went to school. My children have never went without anything that they needed, never went hungry or without clean clothes. I was there at the birth of both of her children, rocked them both before she did. Now she hates me because I tried to protect her son from her. She is manipulative and a compulsive liar. She has told the children that my husband and I no longer love them and we don’t care about them. She is telling anybody that will listen that I am a terrible mother and always have been, nor did I protect her as a child. She is saying that I have never done anything for her and her children. Every mistake that she’s ever made in her life is my fault. I am no good and I will never get to see my grandchildren again. I am dying a slow death as my grandchildren are so dear to me and I now have to find a way to live without them and I don’t know if I want to live if they are not in my life. I use to talk to them everyday and now the only way I can talk to them is through the babysitter. I am so afraid for their safety, mental, physical and emotional well being especially my grandson as she knows that when he hurts I hurt. All I do is cry now, I can barely work because of worry. Any suggestions other than therapy. I was going to a therapist and she yawned throughout our $125 and hour session. B.

  19. L. May 19, 2010 at 1:59 pm #

    My heart broke as I read everyone’s experiences. I found this place because I wanted to find some sort of support and share experiences in hopes of feeling better. My daughter is now 18 and for a few years has become meaner to my husband me and her little brother. She is nice when she wants something. Being raised as a kid who saw a lot of abuse given to my sisters from their husbands I made it my priority to marry a good man to raise kids with. My husband is an angel a good loving soul. A good good person with a kind heart. We raised my daughter with lots of love and attention and she seemed so happy. Then during her teens something went wrong she because so self centered and it didn’t stop. Her hormones we know are unbalanced and nothing the doctors say we can do about it. She got worse. No matter how much support we gave her and talked with her she made terrible decisions. She doesn’t like to be around us, is shamed by us while her friends think we are the cool people. She complains frequently how we are too nice, says he dad is a sucker and get mad at me daily for basically nothing. When my husband went through major surgery she didn’t care and was cold. I cried my eyes out in fear of losing him. She gave no support. All she cared about was seeing her boyfriend. I now have an injury where I might face being in a chair. She doesn’t care it’s all about her. So knowing we have been caring parents I asked her to talk a test online. She did. This was the test. http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
    The test show in every which why pointed to narcisism.

    It hurt so much inside to see the self centered answers she wrote. During my life I raised my kids I never lost track of being a good wife and adore my husband as he does me. But we still hurt to know she doesnt care. We have friends and things we like to do and have gone on with our life while she still lives with us but we cry inside everyday. After taking the test she said she doesn’t need counceling because she likes the way she is. She gets friends and boyfriends and then loses them. She doesn’t like us and is mean to her little brother of 7 who has a heart of gold. I really dont’ know what to do. I hope everyone here can find peace and can go on with their life’s without a hurting heart. Some people you can’t change. My daughter is one of them. I accept it but still sad about it. L.

    • Luise May 22, 2010 at 9:10 am #

      Please bring this problem over to my Web-forum. I believe you will find understanding and support there. It is at: http://www.wisewomenunite.com I will interact with you there, too. Blessings, Luise

  20. S. May 24, 2010 at 1:38 pm #

    Hi All,

    I thought I was the only one hurting but it looks as if alot of you share the same pain I do. Well, I have 3 children whom I love dearly if I didn’t they wouldn’t be here. Anyway, at least one claims to have had a rough time growing up and I get the blame while she still stays in contact with my ex whom I thought she hated because thats what she told me, he’s not her real dad. Now my son who has not talked to me in 4 yrs this is his real dad now I was married 16 yrs before we got married he cheated on me and even all the way up to the divorce and I did not no matter what my son believes. My ex told my son hen he was 12 it was me I had never strayed ever! But it’s OK I guess cause I know the truth. Anyway, my son got married to some girl and then they had thier son and a few months later she is pregnant again I haven’t even met her or even seen her or the baby, they don’t live that far. Talk about hurt, my son is 31 I don’t blame him I guess but then he is suppose to have a mind, I just don’t understand why he completely put me out of his life I know my ex and his family said alot of untrue things about me but thats how they are and my ex did remarry 2 more times and now he is single again, hmmm I wonder why and yet it’s all ok I guess with that whole side and my son but it still hurts. Knowing I did no wrong and that department why has my son forgot about me? S.

  21. S May 24, 2010 at 1:45 pm #

    Sorry for leaving out bits and pieces in my letter my fingers are faster than my mind anymore;) S.

  22. S. May 24, 2010 at 3:01 pm #

    I feel so much for you. I to feel your pain as I’m going through something similar. I divorced my daughter’s father when she was a baby, and all he has
    done is talk terrible about me to my daugher, well my
    daughter believes everything he tells her, and one day
    I just said something about her father and she didn’t like it and she has not spoken to me in about a year
    she will email very little and treats me like a stranger. I have had no contact with my three granddaughters since. I remember their birthdays and
    Christmas but won’t buy her husband or my daughter anything. All her life I spent so much money on her
    and did everything I could to prove I loved her but
    all I received was yelling and being so disrespected.
    I have been told by her husband that she goes around
    telling people horrible things about me. I have given
    her baby showers, taken her for mother daughter
    weekends, but everything had to be her way.
    My husband who I have been married to for 26 years and knew my daughter since whe was four tells me
    to not try and do anything else, he has seen how
    horrible she treats me. We have a son together and
    she doesn’t even treat him good or his wife
    and children. My son is such a sweetie and so his
    his wife. But I have decided to have nothing to do
    with her, I’m just tired of the abuse and her calling
    other woman mom, and I get treated as though I am nothing. Her father is a doctor so she is hoping he leaves her money and his house. So I feel I get
    treated horrible because I am just not good enough
    as her mother. I love her and my son in law
    and my three granddaughters but I cannot go through
    more years of being treated so bad. Her husband treats me no better but I think she has talked so
    bad about me. I tried to make up for everything since
    the divorce but I am and will always pay for it.
    I miss and love my granddaughter so much but I feel
    that when I buy them gift she is throwing them away
    and she threatened me one day with I will make
    the girls hate you anytime I want to.
    I have given and given to her and my son in law
    and my granddaughters but I am so tired of
    being treated like dirt. She has hurt me so much
    all her life and now I feel as though I don’t care
    if I ever talk to her again. When my granddaughters
    get older I will have a relationship with them I hope
    I just pray she doesn’t make them hate me too.
    Take care and I feel so much for you and all of us
    who have tried but have a child who just wants
    to treat us so bad. Life is just to short!
    I just feel like she has kicked all the love out
    of me that I once had for her. How can I ever
    trust her or feel the love I had for her. S.

    • Luise June 7, 2010 at 9:44 am #

      There are many ways to look at this but for me, once trust is broken…it is gone, never to return. Forgiveness is still available and we can go on loving…but trust is something else. Blessings, Luise

  23. S. May 24, 2010 at 3:29 pm #

    Wanted to say also, I know it is hard for all of us
    but life goes on, and hopefully one day they will
    see what they haved done. You would think by them having children and the love they have for them they
    would be wonderulf to us. My daughters father, cheated
    on me with my maids, women in his office, treated me
    bad, so just after two years of marriage and her at 6
    months old I got up and left. I didn’t want anything
    from him just my daughter and a little support for her. He fought me every step of the way for support
    for her. This is the father she adores.
    Go figure these children out.
    Take care everyone and I know your heart aches
    but for me I just won’t let her treat me terrible
    any more, either I get her love and respect or I
    don’t want anything from her at all. I have wallowed
    in the dirt long enough and kissed her feet long
    enough. I finally said no more if this is what she
    wants I cannot change her mind. If I beg her or
    write her loving emails or call her I might as well
    just lay down and let her treat me like dirt
    and just give her control over me.
    Sorry for the long messages, but stay strong and
    get the respect and love you all deserve.
    Please don’t let your children control you and
    keep treating you badly. You deserve so much more.
    Keep the people in your lives who truly love you
    and care for you, one day when our beautiful
    grandchildren are older we will have a relationship
    with them.

  24. L. May 27, 2010 at 2:26 am #

    Im 59. My grown daughters hate me since I got became ill. The words are so horrible. I can’t repeat it them. This is the first time that I dare to talk about it. The worse is the abuse of my angel grandaughter. I have tried everything and I will keep on trying. I am afraid that my daughter will find out that I wrote this. If you answer, I will send you my phone number. L.

    • Luise June 7, 2010 at 9:24 am #

      All of the work I do is online. If you feel that is unsafe, know that I am praying for you. Blessings, Luise

  25. L. June 23, 2010 at 6:56 pm #

    well my two oldest daughters hate me and i did not realize how much this goes on. so i am in class and have not been able to study for this whole week. they have decided it has been up and down up and down this week, they ganged up on me and just did everything they could to hurt me. L.

  26. C. July 5, 2010 at 7:11 pm #

    It’s very sad to see so many “moms” here and hurting. I’m 54-yrs-old and took care of my mother and sole provider for, what used to be my two children, 38 and 35 now. They HATE me and tell me at every chance. I do not get to talk to my little angel, Zoe’ my 7-yr-old granddaughter. My mother and grandmother died not long ago and my two kids were the only family I had left. HOW DO YOU LEARN TO LIVE..or exist..IN THIS PAIN? C

  27. A. July 17, 2010 at 9:59 pm #

    I’m so glad i found this site. i thought i was unique. i’m by no means gleeful that you r hurting just that i do not feel so alone. A.

  28. B. August 10, 2010 at 2:42 pm #

    I have been searching for a site like this one to vent my frustrations and hurting over my Son, who is now 46, and decided to tell us off once and for all! My Husband and I are in our late 60’s and have a grown Son (mentioned) and a grown Daughter. Our Daughter is really upset with her Brother, and can’t imagine why he waited until we were older to do this. He told us when he came down to visit us for his vacation (with his Wife and our Grandson) that he didn’t have any real feelings about the house he grew up most of his teen years. It recently burned down, and when I told him of this, that is when he shocked usw with his response. We always thought we gave our children many pleasant memories in that home, and my Daughter thought we did. She, however, did remember all the rotten things her Brother did as a child and teen, and thought he was just guilty and couldn’t bring himself to remember anything good about his childhood! This has hurt me so deeply. My husband (his Father) was so deeply hurt and disgusted with him, that he told him not to call or write us again. This was after my Son told us he wanted some coins he thought we had from his Grandfather, and asked for them, or he would take “legal action” against us! After that, things deteriorated rather quickly, until now we have disowned him, and will change our will to exclude him. This is such a drastic step, and my heart aches from making this decision, but my Husband feels we must break the ties completley in order to survive. My Husband is glad it is done with, but I will always feel the pain. We both feel we did the best we could as Parents to give our Children what they needed to become well-rounded Adults, and they always knew how much they were loved. How could a Child of mine turn so fast against his Parents? We always taught them both to respect others. I need closure to this, but my mind will not let go. B.

  29. V. August 14, 2010 at 8:49 pm #

    I never in my wildest dreams expected my only child and daughter to turn against me. And, how many women go through this. Why, I ask myself? This last 2 years I have been there for my daughter while she was pregnant and even went to where she lived every other weekend to babysit. I bought all of my granddaughter’s clothes and furniture. Bought groceries, paid bills, etc. Now that they are back here, 2 miles from where I live I am kicked to the curb. I haven’t seen my graddaughter in 3 months. But, I have learned to survive and be free. It still hurts at times, but I would rather live without the hate and critisism. I am free to be myself again. I am happy. Keep busy and remember that you were a whole person before children and you can be whole again. V.

    • Luise August 16, 2010 at 8:02 am #

      I often use that last sentence in my work here. Good for you! Please come over to my Web-forum at:
      http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com I think you would fit right in. Blessings, Luise

  30. B. August 18, 2010 at 6:54 pm #

    I have not heard from my youngest son in about 3 years.
    what can I do to locate him? He is in the military. B.

    • Luise August 18, 2010 at 9:19 pm #

      Please post this question on my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com. I think someone there mayl be able to point you in the right direction. Blessings, Luise

  31. S. August 19, 2010 at 9:03 pm #

    Wow. I can’t believe all this pain. What has become of our children. Why is it some turn so against their parents. My daughter hates me and does not communicate with me. She lives somewhere in the next town, not sure where or with who. She recently discovered she is unable to bear children and blames me. Said she was supposed to get an ultrasound and I never took her. The doctor never mentioned it to me. The only thing she mentioned to me in the last year she was in my house was a phantom itching all over and not being able to sleep. I took her to the doctor numerous times for that and the doctor was doing several blood tests and not able to find anything. I think it was drugs – I found several pills in her room which were not prescribed for her. That caused a huge fight. It is agony now because my son does not talk to me either. I thought he was just done with family. He is in the Army. When he graduated from basic he would not give me his address. I know which base he is at, just not how to reach him. He got a new cell phone, posted a number on myspace and it does not work! It is obvious from his postings that he speaks to his father, step-mother and sister, but not me. He has ignored my e-mail. I just don’t get it. I never thought I would be in this position. My daughter at one time said she just did not know what she would do without her mother, now she acts like I don’t exist. I need a sounding board. My boyfriend tells me that it is them and not me. He wants me to be happy with just him. I can’t. My life feels like it is in limbo and I need direction! S.

  32. D. August 26, 2010 at 12:24 pm #

    I just came across this website, of course because i was looking..I have some related issues but more so i have been wondering ??? Why does this happen to so many..
    Why do our children get to a certain age and start to feel so differently about us.. I am starting to see those common subtle signs of change with my own children.. A phone call or visit out of obligation, always gotta go, in a rush, so busy, plans with their siblings and… and I’m not included anymore. Only see them when i intiate a dinner nite at my house. More and more negative comments about how I act, what I say and when I talk about anything, anything at all, I am always wrong or take things to personally etc.. It has become exhausting and no longer any fun to be together.. I have actually become uncomfortable and insecure around my own children.. It’s like we allow them to switch the roles… The other day my youngest daughter 26–whom has been my shadow since birth— said to me… while I was writing some notes.. “You know people don’t use cursive anymore.. I even think if you were in school and handed something like that into a teacher they would give it back and tell you that it was unacceptable.. I was floored by that comment..like anything that says who I am is unacceptable and almost shameful. That comment and many other subtle jestures and comments have really taken a toll on the way I feel about her.. I do see this a a very common factor in the beginning of the unraveling of the parent child relationship. I believe the signs start very early on and we brush them off until it gets to the point of most of the people here and then it is almost to late to rectify. Just my take on this epidemic. D.

    • Luise August 27, 2010 at 8:25 pm #

      I started a Web-forum for people having trouble with their adult children or extended families because it is becoming such a serious, social issue. Come on over. http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

  33. A. August 30, 2010 at 10:26 pm #

    My 31 year old son and my 32 year old daugther hate me. I’m brohen hearted. I cry every night and pray.Reading all these anecdotes has made me feel that I’m not the only one. My daugther tells me that I can see my precious grandaugther with supervision because I do not know how to take care of her,,,she’s four and a good little girl,,,how difficult could it be? It’s been a month I haven’t seen her, My daugther only is nice to me when she needs money. My son is in the states , he abandoned his son who is 10 and the love of my life. I pay child support. A year ago he called and asked for money, when I said No he called me terrible things , days later I received a letter insulting me and expressing how much he hated me . I cried for days. But the suffering has to stop. We as mothers of MONSTERS have to let go and not buy or beg for love. If we know within our hearts that we raise them right, that we gave them love, then they should be the guilty ones . My plan is to start thinking of me. I’m single and I live with my elderly mother. I have to think of her. Jesus is watching over us , He knows our suffering, He is in control. I surrender. If my children don’t love me, tha’s their choice, deep in their hearts they know they’re wrong, I’ll leave it to their consience…if they have one.One day their own children will treat them terribly, someday their children will do the same…and they’ll cry and remember,,,and it might be too late to say “I’m sorry, mom.” A.

  34. M. October 5, 2010 at 1:22 am #

    It is so sad to see so many mother’s in so much pain. I am in the same boat. I have four grown children that can be so cruel to me. I always thought I was such a great mother and it’s so painful to find out that your own children think so little of you. I’m not exactly sure what I did wrong, why they hate me, it appears more that they feel I am a bad person, and if people like me it’s because I put on a good act. I have 4 grown children from 33 to 21. Most times they seem to love me and then they hit me with cruel words, hate. That’s how it feels, like pure hate. Recently I came separarted from my job as a nurse and facing homelessness I decided to apply for unemployment (no there is no longer a nursing shortage) this is all new to me as I have worked so hard for so many years. They all have homes but not one of them will let me spend even one night claiming it’s no way to live. i think they feel that I am being over-dramatic and that the courts will not put me on the street but that’s where I’m heading. I still work part-time (as an aid) and will collect soon but I must be out of my apartment by the 1st and they don’t care. Now only one of the four is even speaking to me and her most recent comment when I told her how depressing this is was, homelessness…blah, blah blah. M.

    • Luise October 20, 2010 at 8:40 pm #

      How terrifying and disgusting. Please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where issues concerning adult children and extended families are discussed. You will find support and understanding there.I’m so sorry you deserve a great deal better than what you’re getting. Blessings, Luise

  35. P. October 6, 2010 at 5:07 pm #

    My son treats me really mean, i do everything for him, he is 21, i pay his car his insurance and sometimes i pay for his gas or lend him money to go out, and he still treats me like crap, after he will feel bad and he will say sorry, but he does this all the time, im really getting tired i wanna kick him out but then i dont want him to fall into the drugs or be homeless i dont know waht to do. P.

    • Luise October 20, 2010 at 8:45 pm #

      Come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com It is for women with issues with adult children and extended families. You will find understanding and help there. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

  36. K. October 15, 2010 at 7:56 am #

    Mine is the exact same thing as another lady who wrote named “D.”. My adult children, after bonding 7 years with my five grandchildren-mind you-my daughter 36 years old-flies into a rage on my 60th birthday Thanksgiving Day last year and screamed at me inaudibly-treats me with such hate. I don’t know what her past issues with me are still. And says she wants me out of her life that she didn’t have a choice then and does now. She was a spoiled brat put in clean clothes every time she got a speck on her and I did a really good job and then went and told my son 30 years old that I did it to her! and now my son has followed suit and says until I straighten it out with her, he is staying away and he has 2 of the kids and listens to my daughter like he has no mind and hes smart. I was told not to email, call or come over. That I am mental. That everybody sees it but me, is what she says trying to cover her ass. Now I have lost my job and am grieving the loss of my whole family. And to go with friends means explaining all this. I have always been consistant and a good mother and my kids were the most important things I ever had in my life to care for, and was so proud to see the people I put into this world. And now if the world could see how they are to their own mother who sacrificed every dime and ounce of time and effort cooking and baking and slaving and sewing and managing as a single parent after divorcing their gambling father who died and is now enshrined in sainthood, if the world could see, I wish someone would say to them, you should be ashamed of yourself for not even treating her like a human being not to mention to rip me out of their childrens lives and to hurt them is unspeakable. And I am going on. Some days it hits me and I have a hard day. Other days I say OK, get up, I am going out and I truly try but I carry the pain everywhere I go and probably will the rest of my life which isn’t long when you think about it. I don’t want to bring illness on myself so I keep trying. My daughter has gone around and badmouthed me to everybody we know saying I am a crazy person for screaming at her and I feel alone in this like a bully situation of lies, and I must be crazy because I worked in health care for 35 years and amazingly they never said that and I thank you for your website. I really looked for someone to tell in my quietness and will continue to go on. I came out of the 60’s and dammit went through Vietnam and had less than I do today and made it, and I made it before I ever had my kids. I just have to find a way to go on now and rediscover the person I lost when I gave them my total and complete everything-and damit I will-because I am a woman first. K.

    • Luise October 20, 2010 at 9:08 pm #

      Please come over to my Web-forum for women with issues with adult children and extended families at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com . I am sure you will get the understanding and support you deserve there. Blessings, Luise

  37. D. October 20, 2010 at 6:30 am #

    I to in same boat. My oldest daughter have not talk to me in 8 years. My 2nd daughter left her husband and 4 year old. I have not heard from her since and do not know where she lives. She to found peace with thier father before he pass. He never spoke to all 3 children when I raised them by myself. It have been several months for my 2nd daughter. My son left his wife with 4year old and 18 month old for another woman who is crazy. This woman my son with cusses me out and say terrible things to me and about me. My daughter in law was talking to me and now I have not heard form her in several weeks. So now I have no contact wiht my 2 grandchildren. My 2nd daughters husband does still talk to me but, my 2nd daughter get angry. So now I have no contact at all. I miss my grandchildren dearly and my adult children. I can’t understand what I did wrong. It been making me sick. I still work with a sick soon to be husband. He also misses the grandchildren and children. It is sad for anyone to go thru this horror. I never was able to have the best of things when I raised them but, they had thier own room,clothes,plenty of food and a roof over thier head. We had homecook meals everyday and once a month we went out to eat. I worked to provide what I could. I do not understand. My heart goes out for all you mothers who are suffering like I. D.

    • Luise October 20, 2010 at 9:22 pm #

      You deserve so much better. You really do. Please come over to my Web-forum for women who have issues with adult children and extended families. You will find understanding and comfort there. Blessings, Luise

  38. J. October 25, 2010 at 2:20 pm #

    I have not spoken to my mother for over 17 years.
    I don’t want to ever see her or speak to her again.

    Her husband died this year and I did not go to the funeral. She asked me for support and I told her that I could not support her. I dare her…we have not seen each other in 17 years.

    She asked me to bury her and I told her it is not my reponsibility to take care of her.

    I feel sorry for my mother.

    Martha lost her mother when she was 10 on New Years Day. Her mother was 8 months pregnant and the baby died too. She got tossed from family to family.

    Then she got involved in a horrible marriage and shortly divorce…this was unheard of in the early 60’s. My mother first had a child who was borderline
    mentally challenged. Then she had me.

    She moved back to her roots and then a few years later lost her father in a car crash on Mother’s Day eve. I hope my grandfather was no shopping for a gift for me to give my mother…I would feel bad.

    Then she could not handle her son and he was beginning to get out of control. She had to send him to his father to live.

    ANYWAYS. I feel sorry for her.

    NOW MY HATE for my mother.

    She pulled knives on me.

    She said she would kill me but I am not worth her
    going to jail.

    She called me every horrible name in the book…
    on a regular basis.

    A couple of times I asked her for 25 cents (in 1969) to buy a monthly hot lunch at our school – she said
    I don’t need that.

    I never cuss or say bad words at my mother – but if I
    got a little sassy – she would make me hold my hands to my side and slap my face. If I moved… I got it again.

    I could go on and on.

    My mother was an adulteress too. Once her so-call lover was suppose to pick me up at the bus terminal…
    He never showed up because he had to driver close to where I lived to pick up his son. Nobody call Martha or me. I was stranded.

    So in MANY CASES, not all, mother and daughter estrangements are because of the mother. J.

    • Luise October 25, 2010 at 7:54 pm #

      You are right. Many children suffer through abusive childhoods.

  39. D. October 26, 2010 at 4:48 am #

    A comment to k. My prayers are with you. I know how you feel. My ex husband was a drug addict and acholic. He was abusive verbal and physical. I finally escape when my son was 4, my 2nd daughter was 6 and my oldest daughter was 8. I begged my mother to live with her until I can get on my feet. My mother had to ask permission from my grandfather beings the house was his. Me and my 3 children slept on 1 bed. I finally saved enough money to get my own place. I suffered but made it thru. I did not want a man in my children life at the time. It was enough in what they went thru with thier father. thier father never kept in touch for 19 years. Until they grew up. My 2nd daughter became close to him before he passed. Of course he made me the bad guy. We use to have pizza night on Fridays. I would buy all the stuff to make homemade pizza and let them fix it. We would pop a movie in vcr, place a blanket on the floor, pop popcrn and hot chocolate. Saturdays was shopping day until 4pm and we go home and have deli dinner or hot dogs with nmac and cheese and beans. We would sit on the floor or kitchen table and play board games. I would always let them win. Sundays was cleaning day. We did not live in a great nieghbor hood but I knew Sundays was best time for them to get fresh air beings most of the people in that neighbohood was past out in the am. But I can go on and on about the things I thought I was doing was good, But, I guess not good enough. The 27th of this month is my son birthday. He will be 29. I always sent him a card with a gift certificate. I do not know where he lives. the woman he is with will not allow me to contact him. My second daughter is going to thier house instead of taking her 4 year old trick or treating. She always dressed him up. I have one good news my oldest daughter try to contact me. I wrote her back and she to have not wrote me yet. That was a week ago. she said she only doing this because her new fiance told her to. I don’t know what to belive. I just now take one day at a time. My soon to be husband and I are trying to get on with our life. He is just as upset. He loves my children and grandchildren. He was there for every event my children had including weddings. More so when thier father was alive. But anyway, what can you do but, pray. D.

  40. r. October 27, 2010 at 8:36 am #

    i divorced after 28 abusive years my kids witnessed it all; but are dads bud. i only have enough funds to finacially raise my two boys at home. why are they doing this they know what is right and wrong.i cannot believe possesions are so much more important than a mothers love. r.

    • Luise October 27, 2010 at 3:20 pm #

      Come on over to our Web-forum where we look at all sides of this problem and try to make it through. It is at: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

  41. r. October 27, 2010 at 8:45 am #

    all of you moms need to set these kids free and get all of the clutter out of your lives and if they come back and want to respect you that is fine if they never do realize you did your job as a mom and the path they choose as adults is what some day they will have to deal with and believe me their pain will be worse than ours. just remain positive and put yourself first for once and you will start to feel a sense of peace!remember god never places more weight on us than we can handle even though it seems unfair we manage to pull through and it makes us a stronger being. things happen for reasons…. r.

  42. M. November 1, 2010 at 8:42 am #

    I have a sister who is going through this with her daughter (my niece). Having been on the outside looking in on this situation as it unfolded, I can honestly say that I can almost 100% side with my niece. My sister treated her daughter like a second class family member, always making her feel as if she were worthless. The poor girl couldn’t do anything right in her mother’s eyes. Not only that, but her two sons were Mommy’s darlings. My father & mother, my other sister and my husband have all been heartbroken for 16 years as this has unfolded. Well…now my sister and her husband are reaping what they have sown…a bitter, angry, hateful child who wants nothing to do with them. And the saddest part of all, the girl’s parent will not admit that they are the ones who created this situation. It’s always their daughter who is the one causing everything. Never mind that the rest of the family can see right through them. So…my point is…don’t alway blame the children. Sometimes they honestly have good cause to NOT want to be anywhere near their mothers. I hope and pray that time will heal the gap between them. But I think it’s going to be a long time coming. M.

  43. C. November 16, 2010 at 4:01 pm #

    I know how you feel. I too am LDS and my oldest daughter said to me I wish you would die. and I am nothing but white trash, I love her unconditionally. I was a good mother to her and her siblings ,when she was at the tender age of 10 I escaped from Iran with a baby and 8 mths pg.so they could have a better life now she is working on her ph.d in pedatric nero phsicogoly.I am now living with her and her sister , I have never had money struggled. and she ignores me as if I am not around its tourture and abuse like her father did to me. she gives me dirty looks of discust . I cant take it anymore I want to run so far away and cry my eyes out . C.

  44. R. November 18, 2010 at 3:22 pm #

    you all need to lighten up…really! you were single before you had kids and I would venture to guess you all daydreamed of things to do if you werent “busy raising jr” and look at the bright side.. YOU can do anything you want to do now!..Go Live your life. Your kids are sure living their lives..why shouldnt you?? live it up,, be happy. forget them, remember the old adage abscence makes the heart grow fonder…give them some space, let them grow up…if they cant or wont grow up that is their issue, not yours! R.

  45. D. November 23, 2010 at 9:52 am #

    I don’t know about everyone else, but i don’t have a forum to talk about my selfish kids. So, when you find one I find it ironic that even there someone is basically telling you to shut up and quit whining..lol (ie; R).

    I love my kids, 27 and 24, but they are selfish jerks. I have been laid off twice in 14 months. I have moved 5 times in that time. I work in property management which requires living onsite at certain jobs, so when you are laid off..you have to move. I’ve been through a sale and replaced by new ownership..so none of this has been my fault. BUT it has completely changed the dynamic of my relationship with the adult kids because I can no longer pay for everything or take them on excursions or out to dinner or any of the other things I have done. I have been emotionally vulnerable and stressed. My oldest daughter wrote me a letter and told me that she needed me to ‘just be’ her mother and that she knows things are really hard for me and her little sister (she’s 8), but she cannot help me. She has nothing to offer emotionally or otherwise. ????? Wow, I didn’t see that one coming. My son is in his own world and has nothing to offer anyone. He has a new girlfriend that I have never met, but has been berating me to everyone she meets…very strange.

    So, I have to agree with R…we have to focus on ourselves. The kids are grown, we did our best, and they are selfish jerks. What can you do? I pray my youngest doesn’t turn out the same, but I’ve learned not to make my whole world my kids..that is a HUGE mistake.

    Good luck to all of you. You aren’t alone 🙂

  46. M. December 5, 2010 at 1:43 pm #

    Well, Well well, I see I am not the only one that has children that have gone crazy.
    I was abused by my mother when I was a child. Abandoned by a good for nothing father. He never paid child support. I looked like him so my mother took her anger out on me. She had a boyfriend who could not keep his hands to himself, so I told him that I would tell the authorities if he didn’t leave me alone, and the thing I called mother took up for him. Things only got worse. I got pregnant just to get out of the house. She tried to get me to have an abortion, and I told her NO. I was getting married, having the baby. Well FATE delivered me a lovely little blow. My husband got killed 11 weeks after marriage and the witch made me move back home because I was only 16 years old. That woman made my life a living hell. Then one night she kicked me out of the house during a snow storm. My son was sick. but she didn’t care. I had to walk to a friend’s house so I could stay there. God helped me out. MOney came in the mail for me . bills that I had over paid, and it was enough to get a mobile home to live in. I have been out on my own since. However. through the years, I tried to forgive her and get on with my life. She never wanted a relationship with me, but she did want my son. She managed to turn my only son against me. WE were close when he was a little boy. Now he is 32 years old and he hates me. I raised him by myself. I remarried and had 2 daughters. My mother tried her best to ruin those relationships but it didn’t work.
    my second husband died 5 years ago. and my sister has tried to take up where my mother left off. She has managed to cause problems with me and my son. but that’s Ok. I was in the room with my mother when she died, and she is paying for her sins now. her last words were HOT HOT. People you don’t treat other people like crap and it not come home to you. I have read most of these stories on here. I am one of the mothers that was there for my children. I went to every thing they were in at school. went to all the parent teacher meetings while hubby stayed at home on the couch. I took my kids to church. took them Disney World. Hubby stayed at home on the couch. I sacrificed so brat son could have a nice car, and I drove the piece of crap. What did son do ? he wrecked the car then wanted me to buy him another one. He always worshipped the ground his no account grandmother walked on. You know what ? It used to hurt me , but there will be a day when I die, and he will come running with his hand out wanting his part of the money. He ain’t getting it.
    And if my daughters act he same way, I will cut them off as well. It is time that we parents stop catering to these spoiled brats. I was the complete opposite of my parents. my mother moved me from one school to the other because she didn’t care if it was hard on me changing schools all the time. she had to keep her boyfriend safe cos the law was after him for not paying child support. With my children. they got to stay in the same schools till the graduated. I put them through school and what thanks to I get ? nothing. My youngest will graduate in june, and when she does. LOOK OUT cos her’s one mama that is FINALLY GOING TO DO SOMETHING FOR MAMA. I am going all over the USA and see everything I have ever wanted to see. my raising kiddie poos are over. I strongly suggest the rest of you, do something for yourselves. WE are not all perfect parents but by crackies if we have kept them fed, clothed, clean, roof over their ungrateful little no account heads, and prayed for the little monsters, we done our part. MOMS start living. you only get one life. LET little sissy and brother waller in a pile of dog do do. What goes around comes around. you done your part. now if you will excuse me, I got to start making my plans for next summer. PEACE LOL M.

    • Luise December 5, 2010 at 8:32 pm #

      You Go, Girl!! Blessings, Luise

  47. M. December 5, 2010 at 1:55 pm #

    I have a question for the aunt, in number 7664, UM you didn’t mention how many children of your own that you raised. You said you were on the outside looking in ?
    well it’s a different world when you are the one on the inside raising children. I have a sister too. She had 3 abortions . She couldn’t take the changes that it was doing to her beautiful body so she aborted hers . Oh but since then, she’s an expert on child rearing. it’s one thing to observe and it’s another thing to actually raise them. Just a thought. M.

  48. M. December 9, 2010 at 1:17 am #

    I too have a broken heart over my 3 adult daughters who never include me and their dad for any good times only when they need us for financial or other help (latest was taking care of the youngest’s dog for a week while she vacationed with her boyfriend in Hawaii and never even said thank you when she returned; the oldest was helped out with enormous sums for her attorney’s fees only to tell me after the storm had subsided that it’s HER life and she doesn’t want me to involve myself in it). Oh brother! I’m grateful to “R” (11-18-10 @ 3:22pm) for her practical advice to go live our lives, be happy and forget about these ingrates. She is absolutely correct. We have loved, nurtured, guided and helped our kids in every way only to reap a crop of narcisistic monsters. Maybe they’ll change, maybe not. But I resolve not to waste another moment waiting around and hoping for them to want to spend any time with me and my husband. It’s our time now to devote to what WE want to do finally. Let the good times begin! We certainly will have a lot more money now to spend on ourselves and not them any more! M.

    • Luise December 10, 2010 at 8:16 pm #

      I have created a Web-forum for women with issues regarding adult children and extended families. Come on on over. http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

  49. T. December 30, 2010 at 2:33 pm #

    My heart bleeds for those rejected mothers. I was told I could not have children. But I did have one child: a girl. We were so close until she married a man that wanted to wrest her completely from me. He began to indoctrinate her. She fell for it hook, like, and sinker. She began talking to me in the worst way. She put me out of her house once. I forgave and went on. She urged me to leave a second time. I forgave her, and stayed around them. Then on Xmas Day 2010, she attacked me again–this time again about a gift for her husband. I had a gift–an expensive one for the whole family-but she waded into me. When I protested she went beserk. Got out the kitchen butcher-knife, challenged me to kill her. Accused me of hating my mother, who everbody knows I loved my mother dearly. I am stunned. Hurt,bitter-angry. I raised her alone from three weeks on-fed, clothed, educated (college) her. Gave her ballet lessons, music, girl scouts, car, swimming pool and most of my time;–you name it. I think today’s parents give too much. T.

  50. A. January 2, 2011 at 8:09 pm #

    Wow! I had no idea so many mothers had selfish bratty daughters like my little, 23 year old bad one!! The bad part is I also have a mother with narcissistic personality disorder (I diagnosed it myself). The description of these people fits her to a tee. Now my daughter who I loved more than anything is becoming just as selfish and mean as my mother. I really don’t think my daughter has NPD though. She’s just mean and selfish, always insulting me and cutting me down. I can’t understand it. I would never in a million years have thought this would happen. I truly thought if you loved your child they would naturally love you back and everything would be great. Wrong! Maybe we have all loved too much and, due to past abuse by others, have actually taught our children to mistreat us. I am happily focusing on my own life (for the 1st time in 23 yrs) and reminding myself how worthy and deserving of love and goodness I am. And, even though it hurts, there is nothing you can do, so my advice for everyone else is, become loving and gentle toward yourselves, and remind yourself that you deserve it.

  51. M. January 13, 2011 at 10:16 pm #

    Oh, how I understand. I have 4 sons and they all seem to think I was a terrible mother. One son and his children live with us. He told me this morning that he can’t wait to move out. He is jealous of my relationship with his 2 children. I homeschool them, do their laundry, support them all, take the kids everywhere and it is not enough. He was mad because he had to make breakfast for them!!!! Normally, my husband does that. I have given up my life to help with the children and that’s not enough for him. Reminds me of my mother. It was never enough. M.

    • Luise January 14, 2011 at 12:59 pm #

      I think it might help if you came over to my Web-forum with this issue. You will find support there. blessings, Luise

  52. N. January 16, 2011 at 8:26 pm #

    My daughters are wanting to talk to my doctor because they think that I am making up some of my health problems! That couldn’t be further from the truth.
    I have been sick all my life and they know why, but now that I am older, other things are creeping in and I am much sicker. I am trying so hard to find a doctor that knows how to treat FM and CFIDS, Hypothyroidism, low ACTH(pituitary), gammaglobulin deficiency, severe asthma, had to take prednisone for over 40 years disk degeneration, and anxiety and depression. I do talk about my health alot and I do research on the Web, but with reputable websites. They are thinking that I am reading and thinking I have THAT!! We will be going to talk to my primary care physician, hopefully next week. I guess I am so mad that they would even think that I am making this up, but I do want to show all tests and the doctors advice about my illnesses. The prednisone has caused soo much damage. I don’t want to go to my grave with my daughters hating me. I pray this will help and maybe continue talk therapy to help clear this up, if they will go. N.

    • Luise January 16, 2011 at 9:37 pm #

      It can be really hard to be around someone who has a lot of medical issues. It affects the whole household if it goes on and on. My mom was like that and I lost all sympathy for her at times because it messed with my life to such a degree. Kids (even when adults) can be pretty self-absorbed.

      The last thing you need is suspicion and rejection. I’m so sorry you have to put up with it on top of everything else. Blessings, Luise

    • E. February 1, 2012 at 6:46 am #

      Yes i have alot of health proplems yes but its hard not to talk when people are asking how you are today do you think i what to have ibs. back problems or depression i was hit buy a car whan i was 15 now 56 the pain has started i hate being like this if its isoooooooo much for my kids OMG GET OVER IT. We have been there for them there hole life . E.

  53. E. January 18, 2011 at 10:42 am #

    I, too, have an adult child, my only child, who hates me for some reason and will not tell me why. She refuses to talk about it and nothing I ask, or attempt to discover as to why she hates me the way she does is answered. We weren’t close when she was a child but I never abused her. I always tried to take care of her to the best of my ability. Didn’t have a lot of money and the food wasn’t always to her liking but her dad, from whom I am divorced and have been for years, tried the best we knew how. Even her dad cannot explain her attitude towards me or the fact that she would just as soon kick me to the curb, into the street, etc., than have me in her house. This anger, this fury, has only erupted in the past two and a half months so I am at a total loss. E.

    • Luise January 18, 2011 at 12:24 pm #

      Please some over the Web-forum I have created for women who have issues with adult children and extended families. What you are describing is far more common that you probably realize and you will find support there. Most of the time, there isn’t a “why.” It’s more of a trend from “kids” who have grown up with adults trying to please them. It’s very hard to understand. Blessings, Luise

  54. F. February 23, 2011 at 9:08 pm #

    Hello my friend, what you have just penned in this article for certain have everyone curious up to the last word, and I have to say to you actually that I seldom look at whole write-up in weblogs as I typically became bored to tears and sick of the particular gibberish that is displayed to me consistently and just wind up looking at all the images and the head lines etcetera. But your tag-line plus the initial paragraphs ended up superb and this easily got me personally absolutely hooked. Commending you actually on a work done well in here. Bless you. F.

  55. A. February 28, 2011 at 5:49 pm #

    Glad to hear others feel the same. I looked after my Grandson 2, sometimes 3 days a week so his mother could go to work for 3 years. I asked my son-in- law ONCE to do ME a favour pump up the tyres on my car and he more or less said “do it yourself”! I’m 64.
    Everything is all take and no give.
    They never invite me over unless it is to baby sit or help in some way. I feel very unloved. I miss seeing my Grandson …he’s like my own child, only nicer!
    I also hardly hear from my son who lives OS. Never see his 2 children. Never a Christmas present or birthday present.
    I think the best way is to grow a thick skin and not be always there. Live my own life but it’s hard – i love my grandchildren so much and feel i’m missing out. A.

    • Luise March 6, 2011 at 10:32 am #

      Please consider coming over to my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where issues regarding adult children and extended families are discussed. There’s a lot of support and understanding available there. Blessings, Luise

  56. D. March 17, 2011 at 7:38 am #

    I am a male, a son, a brother, a father, and though I see only women on here I also have sought for help to understand why my children do not care about me, let alone love me. I am divorced, and my daughter now 28 I have not had any relationship or even conversation since she was 15 years of age. I am finished with reaching out and trying to have a relationship with her. My son treats me like dirt. I have been and was a loving father. I worked so their mother could stay home with them. My former wife inherited 1.6 million dollars and decided she did not want to be married anymore. She is an only child and adopted. I am not perfect, was not perfect, but dear God in heaven who is? I have read my own story here many times. I think it is true that without forgiveness and love things will not change but I cannot make anyone else be forgiving and loving. So, I am through with trying to have relationships with my children. I am tired of being rejected, and treated like dirt. I do not care what you or I have done wrong, incomplete, or how we have failed. There has to come a time when we can forgive ourselves, and expect that if we are able to find the courage and strength to admit we need that, give it to God, and accept God’s forgiveness and strength to forgive ourselves then others that will not or choose not to forgive us also and love us anew have no right to be in our lives and we need not hurt any more that they are not.
    I thank God I came across this site. It is never over, we will have to deal with this till we die, but I am through hurting and being hurt and in essence controlled by my childrens lack of heart, care or love for me. I refuse to hate them, I do and will love them but I have had enough of the total lack of respect or honor I deserver simply due to being my children’s father. I will always be here for them but it will be up to them to come to me. I am through reaching out to them. They can repent and come to me, or not. It is their choice. God bless my son and daughter. D.

    • Luise March 17, 2011 at 8:19 pm #

      D. I have a Web-forum forum for people with issues with adult children and extended families. It is called http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com but we have had men join before because there is no other support group available that is focusing on healing instead of bashing. Come on over. Blessings, Luise

  57. J. April 9, 2011 at 8:18 am #

    We are not alone. We are parents. We birthed them, raised them and yes, we sacrificed for them. Do the birds come back to the nest and thank their mother? No, they fly. Such is the objective for successful parenting. But…we are not birds. There are emotional ties. There is a sense of “respect due” for what was given and done for our children. Now comes the pearls of wisdom, I know, and we all know deep down inside: We will never be able to alter the way they feel towards us. The only thing that makes them “get it” is when it happens to them.
    Yes, they get married, have children and want distance, and control over their lives. Then, the reality hits, their children act the same way towards them that they have acted towards you. It is Karma…it is life.
    However, when they need your help, they are on the front doorstep in 2 seconds flat. Good parents, like good children need to be seen and not heard. In my experience, I did the job. I did it alone. I did it well. It is time to build my life without them. This is the hard part. I did not realize that at the end of all that work and time, that I would be left alone and pushed away so harshly. But, it happened to me, and obviously to many of you. I guess there is strength in numbers. We are not alone. We are an army that has fought through many battles, and succeeded only to find that those we fought for want us to leave them alone now. We need to march on and start fighting for ourselves, our happiness and our fulfillment. Don’t be the caller, let them call you. Make yourself scarce. Live life…it is there…we just have been away from it for a while.
    I am struggling to find my place again. Struggling to get over the hurt and move on from here. Every once and a while I feel the depression of what has happened, but I shrug it off, realize I can’t do anything about it except keep love in my heart and keep my heart open. Then, I take a shower, get dressed and join the world! I have maybe a good 20 years left on this planet. I am going to live! J.

    • Luise April 21, 2011 at 5:24 pm #

      Come on over to my Web-forum at http://www.Wise WomenUnite.com and joing the crowd. Blessings, Luise

  58. marianne mackie April 18, 2011 at 7:00 am #

    ohh the pain, my manager daughter caused me, yet again. shes 30. we live far apart.i haven’t seen hear in 7 yrs.i have got contact at her job. i gave a friend her wrk number so they could help me find out what shes like.well again and for the last time, i wont take her abuse.i know i made a few mistakes when she was an older woman of 18 yrs. idid not beat her nothing . i was abused by a man , i left. She changed after her first boyfriend at 18 yrs of age.no more . i am raising my gran child , from my other daughter and we get along sadly shes in another province.i forgive. and have to go on. But someday s its hurtful.I think she needs more growing up.she wants nothing to do with anyone in the family.now one step at a time, to learn to live with my loss.Maybe one day she can understand.Alone i raised her.sending her pictures to her may jolt her memory of how she was loved.I give up trying.

  59. E. April 23, 2011 at 2:37 am #

    It’s 3am and I’ve spent the last hour or so reading all the painful stories that are so similar to my own. I too am despised by my two eldest daughters and the pain is so great, it’s physical. I’ve listened to the stories they tell about their childhood and I have apologised repeatedly even though I don’t share their interpretation or memory. For instance, they said they ‘raised their two younger step-siblings’. In their minds, they babysat too much and didn’t have a life. I pointed out that I was a stay at home mom who was with the younger kids all day. I mentioned that both of them had dance class, baseball, ski weekends, girl guides, and their own horses which precluded them being the sole care takers of the the younger kids. I did admit and thank them for taking care of their brother and sister for a couple of hours after school while I napped. I told them that I was overwhelmed at all the work I had to do with no support. My second husband never lifted a finger to help with anything and even though I was at home, I still worked. In addition, I had a job that allowed me to work at home. But with the kids and the house, working at home was done when everyone was in bed. So, I’d work from 1 in the morning until 3 or 4 (I helped people with their advertising copy) and then get up again at 8 to take care of the kids, and then drive the older kids to their classes or friend’s houses. By 4 I was beat and took a nap for an hour or so before getting up to make dinner. I did not drink, take drugs, or go out with friends myself. We had farm animals and the older daughters told me they hated milking the two dairy goats twice a day. I told reminded them that I was prepared to sell them and they didn’t want that. They also told me that they hated my second husband (even though they do talk to him periodically). Bottom line: when one was 14 and the other was 13, they went to live with their biological father. At the time, the two younger kids were 4 and 2. I was in the middle of my second divorce and they didn’t want to get involved. I can’t blame them. My first husband didn’t give these kids anything. No baseball, dance classes, etc. Now, when my kids are 30 and 29, these kids complain bitterly about not having extra cirricula activities. I keep telling them to complain to their farther about that, not me. They made the decision to live with him. With me, they had all that. I get so confused about being blamed even for this. “Dad didn’t let me play baseball and it’s your fault.” doesn’t make any sense to me. I have apologised repeatedly for everything and anything they say I did and tell them I did the very best I could. They have never apologised for anything and I let that go as well. At least they allowed me to tell them that it hurt when they didn’t contact me when I had a heart attack, that they don’t call at Christmas or mothers day or birthdays. That they have no problem accepting money and expensive gifts but don’t give me the time of day. That they rave about the step mother and father who had them sleep on mattresses on the floor, but cannot say one nice thing about me. Even when I think things are getting better, I get kicked in the teeth. I visited my daughter after yet another soul bearing episode where she repeats a history that I don’t recognize. I apologise yet again for the same things. Later in the week she repeats the whole story again to a friend where I just sat there not saying anything. We came to my sister’s for easter dinner and within the hour, my daughter again starts with her story of how I was a neglectful, depressed mother who wasn’t there for her and how she raised her younger siblings. I had enough. I told her that she did not raise her younger brother and sister. She babysat between ski trips, after school, when she wasn’t in dance classes or soccer etc. She was livid and insisted that her story was reality. When I told her to examine her own story by looking at the simple fact that she was in school every day from 7 to 4, was away with biological father for one full month every summer, had friends she saw on weekends along with extra cirricular activities, left home when the kids were 4 and 2 etc. making it impossible for her to take credit for ‘raising’ her younger brother and sister, she started telling me I was a bitch that she would never talk to me again, etc. In an effort to have her see reality I kept asking her to answer one simple question: who was taking care of the kids for the 8 hours or so that she and her sister were at school, and who took care of the kids when she was at camp or away for the summer. She refused to answer these questions. Absolutely refused to acknowledge me at all even in this small way. That’s how hardwired she is to her fantasy hard luck story. I admit that I coulda, shoulda, woulda been better in the parenting department. But my God, I did the absolute best I could. I can’t take it anymore. I get beat up with a story I don’t recognise time and time again. These two don’t care about me and I feel like the punishment never stops. E.

    • Luise April 25, 2011 at 4:23 pm #

      Time to step out of a no-win situation and create a life for yourself. You were a whole person before you took on parenting and you can be whole again. Turn away from what you can’t change that is bringing you pain and toward what would please you. And I don’t mean having things be some other way. Something else entirely. You can either die of this or recover your sense of worth and go on and have a good life. You deserve better. Stop the abuse by moving on. No more asking “why.” Bleesings, Luise

    • R. January 28, 2012 at 4:14 am #

      Your story is so familiar. I hope you find your way back to happiness.R.

  60. K. April 26, 2011 at 7:32 am #

    My wife walked out of our house after 26 years of marriage 6 month ago,she lives with the man she had affair with, we have 2 dauhters out of our marriage but her lies are keeping the daugthers away from me the oldes is 23 and the 2nd is 20 years old the last time I spoke or heard from them was 22nd December 2010, they to not phone me I send them SMS and e-mail which they donot return any calls what can I do? K.

    • Luise April 26, 2011 at 7:52 pm #

      What a heartbreaker. There is nothing you can do that I know of because you daughteres are adults and have the right to make their own choices. They don’t see that they are being brainwashed and lied to. All you can hope is that one or both of them will eventually come to their senses. Start building a new life for yourself. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

  61. J. May 7, 2011 at 12:00 pm #

    I have two children, 39 and 35. I was the mother would did all that she could do to make their life wonderful. However, I was married to a man who was an alcoholic, did not want to be married or a father, and on top of all that he was verbally abusive and sometimes physically. We all feared him and did not do anything to get him upset or have him curse us. We walked on egg shells. However, I tried to do everything I could to make my children’s life better. Did I do too much? Because their father did not respect me, is that why they do not respect me today? I cannot see my grandchildren because I won’t allow my daughter to “use” me. I have been there for her until I married again and I cut off the dollars and baby sitting. It seems that if I don’t do for them and give them things they don’t want me in their life. I suppose I should just walk away, not worry and get on with my life, right? What can I do, we are all adults and trying to life our life. However, the ones who suffer are the grandchildren. My step daughters treat me better than my own children, but I know there is absolutely no love there regards less of how good I am to their dad. I suppose you just go on and hope for the best, right? J.

    • Luise May 7, 2011 at 12:46 pm #

      That’s all you can do and it’s heart-breaking. You deserve so much better. Please consider coming over to my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com You will find understanding and support there as you learn to move on. You were a whole person before you were a parent. You can be again. Blessings, Luise

  62. P. May 7, 2011 at 8:38 pm #

    I found this website by looking up adult children and blaming their parents (mothers) in particular for many of their problems. I will have to let my mother in law who is having a similar problem with her spiteful daughter read some of the comments, they are heartbreaking but may help her to see she’s not alone.
    My mother in law has been bullied by her 33 year old daughter for years now and its sad although I understand that the daughter is angry for her mother staying in an awful marriage (still in it 40 years later) …but a big part of the problem, the way I see it is if the mother won’t set boundaries, the bullying will continue because the mother is so loving. I know that we teach people how to treat us and as much as I try to help her I realize that she has to begin to stop falling for her daughters ego tricks.

    I think that until the adult child is ready to stop being a victim and takes full responsibility for their own life and happiness, they will only continue to create their own demise. Listening to an adult child’s victim story over and over again is not empowering for anyone…evolving past blame and guilt is necessary.
    I really pray my mother in law lets go of the guilt she must have, I try not to judge because I feel that until we’ve been in another’s shoes we need to show more compassion and acceptance.

    http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/ has some excellent resources free programs for learning to let go of negative feelings and move forward for anyone.
    Blessings! P.

  63. j. May 9, 2011 at 10:47 pm #

    I’m a 28 year old daughter that can’t stand her mother and I am considering cutting her out of my life forever (or until she finally emerges from denial and admits that she was NOT the perfect mother she tells everyone). I am a biologist and I like to do my research before I do anything. As such, I found this website to read about the mother’s point of view. Most of these comments sound exactly like my mother!!!! “I loved them and gave them everything, yet they still want nothing to do with me” and my FAVOURITE “I listened to their stories of their bad childhood but I don’t remember it that way”. Let me tell you this… you’re children are younger and thus have better memories… take their word for it. Every time you disagree with your child on their upbringing, you are asking them not to believe their own memories/experiences… this makes them feel crazy!!! Deep down they know that they are right, yet their parents continue to lie to themselves about being the perfect parent. After reading all these comments, I am convinced that the best thing I can do for my own sanity is to cut her out of my life. I realize that my mother will probably never admit to the fact that she was abusive and neglectful and will probably continue to play the role of the perfect parent. She lies to everyone about me, tells them how awful I treat her. I don’t like visiting her because she expects me to bend over backwards for her and my siblings. I played sports, played instruments and won academic scholarships but my mother was never there for any of it. I’ve never had a birthday party. I’ve done all the housecleaning and cooking for my family since I was 8. My brother was allowed to have parties in our house while I was studying for the GRE. I currently do all the shopping for my mother, my brother and his kids. I have had two university graduations and she hasn’t been to either of them. She didn’t know I was in university until I was nearly finished my first year, then criticized my major (she went to community college bah!). I won a provincial running event and she told me look funny when I run. My brother was allowed to treat me horribly but if I retaliated, I was called a devil-child. Most importantly, she never gave me the love that my brothers received, she made me her slave and when I don’t respond to her request with a cheery “yes! of course!”… I get the “she’s an ungrateful daughter. I did everything for her, gave her everything, yet she won’t do this one thing for me”. Well I’ve done a million things for you and you never once said “thank you” and I’m sick of it. Especially because she gave my brothers everything yet expects nothing from them and everything from me. She is continuing this behavior with my niece and nephew, although she does love them (as she raises them), she definitely loves one more and it is obvious. She is sometimes extremely mean with my niece, and literally throws food at her like an animal (my niece picks it up and eats it). When I see this, I KNOW that this is how she treated me when I was a toddler. AWFUL! I have heard the exact same things that you people are posting on here from my own mother. She tells me that she gave me everything, I was lucky to have her because her own mom was so awful. I’m happy your children are strong enough to walk away from all of you! J.

    • Luise May 10, 2011 at 11:44 am #

      Be careful about generalizing. There are some really good moms out there and some aren’t appreciated. In your case, it sounds like your bitterness is realistic. I get that you deserved a lot better.

  64. A. May 15, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

    I understand how you feel. I have struggled with this same thing with my daughter & she is now in her 40’s. I’m getting older everyday & can’t see my grandchildren. Except the oldest who makes his own decisions. I love him so very much. This has been going off & on since she was 15 yrs. old. I told my son today I can’t see how she can treat me like this & hate me so much. He said that it hasn’t been workable all of these years so it may be better this way than trying to make it work. It’s very hard to accept & breaks my heart in two. But, I’ve tried everyway possible to get along with her & it just doesn’t work out. She will do it for a little while for the money & then off again. Now she’s married into some money so doesn’t need me at all. I really don’t know what I ever did to deserve being treated like this but I guess I have no choice but to try to accept it. I enjoyed my mother so very much & miss her so much. She’s missing out on a good relationship like Mom & I had and keeping my grandchildren from me. I pray every nite & leave it in God’s hands. That’s all I know to do. A.

  65. J. May 28, 2011 at 1:31 am #

    I am 37 years old and resent my parents for a lot of things: for fighting violently in front of me. I was four close to five, i do stupid errands like getting a knife which mother will use to kill my fathers fighting cocks, and ending up beaten physically and shoved to the corners. my father is a drunkard and a gambler. my mother is mean. my mother puts hot chilis on my mouth when i speak even in public. she just knows how to humiliate me and destroy my self esteem. when i was in high school, i was late going home because there were no vehicles around. as soon as i got off from the bus, she was already yelling very violently at me, grabbing me by my ears and my crotch from the highway up to our house. before i attended high school she told me that i am not even going to finish it and i will end up pregnant. she also often reminds me that i am being fed and sent to school which always gives me the impression that i will have to pay her. i am now sickly and struggling financially and couldn’t pay her not even a dime. i resent my mother and it often shows subtly with the way i interact with her. my mother was cruel and attempted to abort my two other brothers. my two younger brothers are now bums and consequently my parents are suffering a lot because of them. talk about karma. as the eldest and the only daughter, i am taking the responsibility of taking care of both of them when they grow old that is if they want me. but i’ll be better off away from home and from them.

    if children hate their mother that is because there is an underlying and more serious reason behind that. i don’t think children could even hate their parents for nothing. J.

    • Luise May 28, 2011 at 5:49 pm #

      Some actually do. You are not that kind of person. And you deserved so much better than what you got. Blessings, Luise

  66. B. June 1, 2011 at 7:43 pm #

    My children won’t have anything to do with my wife and I, we are not welcome to our grandkids birthday parties, we live 3000 miles from them, but she has parties every year and more or less have told us we are not welcome on those times, but we schedule another time to celebrate them, she controls when we can visit and when we can see them when we are there. My son who lives 6.2 miles from us, has completely shut us out of his life, he is having some martial issues which we dare not ask about, I’m so depressed over this, I don’t know what to do, we have always been good parents, we they had needs we were always there for them, I can’t describe the hurt I’m going through, the pain just won’t go away. Does anyone have an answer, because I need help, when you love someone like we love them and they just treat you so bad. B.

    • Luise June 11, 2011 at 7:37 am #

      If your wife is able to use the computer send her over to my Web-forum that is focused on issues with adult children and extended families. The is a lot of support available there. http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com. Blessings, Luise

  67. D. June 5, 2011 at 3:08 am #

    My 21 year son is the most horrible, disrespectful person I have ever known. He ridicules the way I walk, the way I eat, it’s like he just enjoys making deragatory remarks to me. He has put lots of holes in my walls, he is violent. He gave me a black eye when he was 13. He was a difficult, willful child and now he is 21, unemployed, and has the nerve to get upset if I ask him to take out the trash. He sits around playing play station all day. He is just plain nasty most of the time. If I suggest something to him in a nice way to try to help him he tells me to “shut up and mind my own business” while he’s laying all over my couch with all his dirty dishes everywhere. I feel abused by him. I honestly hate him and if this upsets you people out there I really don’t care. My life is miserable when he’s around me. I am leaving him and his father very soon. D.

    • Luise June 11, 2011 at 8:04 am #

      Good for you! You deserve so much better and have taken way too mcuh. Blessings, Luise

  68. J. June 8, 2011 at 11:23 pm #

    there are many reasons why a child would turn againste her own parents. as for me, i have not spoken to my parents for about 8 months and i feel relieved to be free of them. sure, they gave me food and clothes and basic necessities but they also did lots of horrible stuff to me. i have a bro 9 years younger than me, and he is always the treasure. they could never see anything wrong in him. he’d hit me, kick my spine while i was doing the house work, tear up my stuff and call me ugly names like “idiot” and “bitch: and my parents never tried to correct him or tell him to leave me alone. it was always me who had to accomodate the little devil and always me who had to give in to him. there was a time when my bro was continuously kicking me just for the fun of it and i yelled at him to stop, good old dad screamed at me and called me “a stupid idiot” for yelling at his precious son. Dad was never one to try to communicate with me. when i had problems that i could not solve and looked to him for advice, all i got was “everyone has problems, just deal with it yourself. why must you depend on me for everything?” there were never any heart-to-heart talks with dad, no words like ” are you okay? any problems ? what have you been up to recently”?

    And mum, great old mum – she is the biggest actress in the whole world. she’d put in so much effort to be nice to other people i.e her friends’ children, her younger colleagues at work. she’d spend so much time laughing and going out for lunch with the younger people, including young men but she never bothered to check on me to see if i was alright. she gave career guidance to one of her pals’ daughters but when it came to me all she said was “go study whatever you like i don’t care”.mum would pay lots of money for her phone bills but whom did she call? definitely not me. mum would buy flowers and gifts for other people on their graduation day. but i got nothing on my graduation, not even a weed (and i graduated with first class honours froum university).

    mum spent 250$ buying designer perfume for one of her colleagues at work but i got nothing. sure, mum adores little brother too. i remember one day, she bought lunch for us. my bro was younger than me, he ate his lunch and later felt hungry again so mum gave him my luch too and me , i had stale crackers for lunch after coming home from school. mum would always worry whether my brother had good food (i had to make it for him if mum was not around) but there were so many occasions when i came home from school with nothing for me to eat and she didn’t even bother to tell me earlier that she was too lazy to cook for me.if she had told me i would have gotten my own food on the way home from school but no…. mum couldn’t care less about me she just told me to eat plain bread and drink water because she was too lazy to cook for me and too lazy to even stock up on groceries. mum would write a whole list of chores for me to do – mop the floor, clean the windows, do the laundry, take out the trash, make all the beds and wash the dishes while my brother who grew to be two heads taller than me could get up at noon, laze around all day and do nothing. she’d scream at me if i did not do my chores well enough but it was ok for brother to do nothing.

    so that’s the story of how i fell out with mum and dad and i feel very happy that i have no contact with them now. i believe the opposite of hate is indifference and that’s what i am now. i couldn’t care less about my parents now and i’m not going to keep on hoping that one day they will come to love me and appreciate what i have achieved. J.

    • Luise June 11, 2011 at 7:25 am #

      You deserve so much better than that. Good for you for moving beyond the abuse. Blessings, Luise

  69. B. June 14, 2011 at 6:01 am #

    Just yesterday I laid my head on my husbands lap and sobbed uncontrollably. What is wrong with my three kids. I gave them everything they every wanted and all the love a mother can possible give her children. I’ve been married twice. The first husband disappeared off the face of the earth for seven years. Leaving me alone to raise our children. When child support caught up with him he returned to the kids lives and wanted to see them. He in turn was brainwashing them behind my back. Now, they are all adults. They all live near him, over 1000 miles away. When they need something they ask ME NOT HIM!. And they know I will take care of whatever they need. In the two years, I’ve spend months out there babysitting my grandson while my daughter went to college and worked. She is now finished with college. It’s time for her graduation. And what happens? She ignores me and my message about her graduation until it’s too late for me to get a flight out there, so she can invite her DAD instead of me. Mind you, here dad will never baby-sit for her or help her out in any way when she needs it. I’m hurt! That is just ONE of thousands of incidents that I have been put though with all three of my kids. They talk to me like dirt unless they want something. In fact, the only time I hear from my two boys is if they want or need something from me. Once they get it, I don’t hear anything again. UNLESS there is something wrong, and somehow, I’m to blame for it. I feel like my kids hate me. I have even felt like ending my life because this pain is way more than any mother should have to endure. Ironically, the only reason I don’t end my life is because my kids might NEED something. I’m just looking to vent. And while it’s a shame that other mothers are going though this, it makes me feel better to know I’m not the only broken hearted mother with self concerned children. B.

    • Luise June 14, 2011 at 7:59 pm #

      Please come over to my Web-forum where issues with adult children and extended families are shared. You will find support there. http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com You deserve so much better. See you there. Blessings, Luise

  70. P. July 30, 2011 at 1:31 am #

    What I have been looking for years to find a fantastic website like this to talk to people with tragic like mionded problems. Please reply and chat to me you have given me hope today after a long and still suffering time. P.

  71. P. July 30, 2011 at 2:12 am #

    I live in the u,k manchester does anyone who has trauma like myself come for the U.k? P.

    • Luise August 7, 2011 at 8:45 am #

      I don’t know what kind of trauma you are referring to but there are people in my Web-forum community from the UK. Blessings, Luise

  72. P. August 11, 2011 at 4:13 am #

    i’m a child my self. i’m not sure why your children hate you but have you done someething wrong. mistreated them or keeped on telling them off when they were younger. i just lost my scholarship in my school and my mum and dad say they won’t tell me off but they keep saying that i didn’t work hard enough. this has made me hate my mum and dad. they randomly say it out of the blue. i actually have been so hurt that i once thought of suicide. they used to hit me alot when i was young but half of the things i didn’t do. i work day and night on as level and gcse things but i’m only 13. when they come up they see me looking at a book and then say i’m not concentratig while i already had done as physics and as geography. then my mum randomly out of the blue says all i did was stare at the book. i can do things quick but just a bit wrong. i think from a childs point that we shouldn’t be shouted at. yes parents work hard but it’s not like we don’t know. and when they get under pressure they take it out on us. so i think u might have done something wrong to get your sons/daughters to hate you. no offence. P.

    • Luise August 14, 2011 at 4:23 pm #

      Very well put and I hope every mom and dad read what you wrote. You’re a wonderful kid and deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

  73. S. August 11, 2011 at 3:46 pm #

    I raised four children without any help from their father, not even financial help. I gave them everything I could. They claim that they had a wonderful childhood, and that I was a wonderful mother, however, now they treat me with disrespect. I won’t go as far as to say that they hate me, but they act like it. I believe that my children suffer from some type of mental disorder…many people do and are never diagnosed. This is a suggestion to all those who are feeling so hated by their children…please remember the good that you did in their lives, and think of them as mentally ill, because most likely they are. I truly believe this. My children are all in their late thirties and early forties…and two of them are on medication. Quit feeling so bad for yourself…your kids are sick. I know it hurts, but just stay positive and avoid conflict with them…send cards, and just let them be. They know you love them.S.

  74. A. August 12, 2011 at 11:29 pm #

    As a 26 year old “horrible” daughter, I have recently cut my mom out of my life out of sheer desperation. I am not an ungrateful child. It pains me to see so many moms reduce the hurtful rifts with their children to my generation being “entitled” or “ungrateful.” I tried for two years to salvage a relationship with my mother after she and my dad divorced when I was 24. She says she doesn’t want me to take sides, but her actions do not reflect that. She constantly bad-mouths my father to me, tells me that I’m just like my father, and makes claims that the divorce is not hurting me as much as it is hurting her- as though it was a competition. I’ve told her more times than I can count that I just want to be her loving daughter- not the friend she complains to about her ex-husband. I have told her that if she insists on talking about the divorce to me, I will hang up the phone. When she does, and I do, she leaves me voicemails saying she doesn’t understand why I’m mad and why i hate her. I’ve told her why I’m hurt. She doesn’t listen and says that I shouldn’t be hurt by those things.

    So many of the posts here sound like they could be written by my mother. “I don’t understand why my child hates me.” “They hate me for no reason” etc…Please. Listen to your children. Yes, there are selfish horrible adult children out there- but we aren’t all horrible. Many of us are crying out to you and you’re shutting us down. Chances are your kids are TELLING you why they are upset and you might not be listening.

    My mom thinks I am unjustified in being upset about the way she speaks about the divorce to me and the emotional turmoil it puts me through- so she continues to do it. It has taken two years for me to realize that no matter how many times I tell her how hurtful her behavior is to me, she dismisses my concerns and then wonders why I don’t want to call her and that is not going to change. She will always tell her friends and relatives that I “hate her” and “stopped talking to her for no reason.” I’m just going to have to be OK with that.

    I know it is easy to play the victim, and think that your side of the story is right, and that because you sacrificed so much for your children they should automatically remain loyal to you forever. I’m just begging you to try to see the other side. Try to give your adult children a chance and see where they are coming from before assuming they are exaggerating or making things up. Maybe your relationship with your adult children can still be saved and doesn’t have to go the route of mine with my mother. A.

    • Luise August 14, 2011 at 5:14 pm #

      Thank you. You are right, of course. There are always two sides to every story. Blessings, Luise.

  75. S. August 14, 2011 at 12:37 am #

    I can’t pretend about my grown kids. My daughter, 32, was not raised with me, not by my choice but she doesn’t realize this…she can only go by the stories told to her by her dad’s family…She comes in and out of my life…I find myself kissing her butte, going out of my way not to make her angry about anything because her stock answer is to change her number, not speak to me for a year or so until she gets desperate and needs something..comes back for a short while then off again.
    I have a son who is 37…has given me nothing but hell since before he was a teenager. LITERALLY…in and out of hospitals trying to find out what his problems were, only to be diagnosed 10 years ago with Bi Polar..not even sure that is it any longer…I think he is just mean, abusive, and really could care less about anyone but himself..Actually the both of them.
    I don’t want to preface this by giving a woe is me story so I won’t. I will just put it this way…my life from infancy through adulthood has been hell…Beginning with severe physical trauma at a very early age, sexual abuse for years until I was 12, only to grow up and continue to search for the same pattern in spouses.
    Which could contribute to my son’s anger and hatred…however, not all. He married 13 yrs ago to a girl that I took in every other week when they would fight…give her money, place to sleep…of course after a while you figure it out that is the way they like it….She had four children during this marriage. The one thing good I can say about my son is that he does work, something she won’t break her back to do….and to boot a filthy housekeeper. Subsequently, this is what I am told got the children taken into DHS custody years ago. Haven’t seen the grandkids since then, while in the courts to fight to get the kids back, my son who has spent time in and out of prison, drugs and stealing, has a horrible rapport with any law enforcement any type of authority. Everyone he comes in contact with eventually has to file some type of protective order as he threatens…as he has me to kill me, burn my house down, cut my animals throats…All of his adult life I have lived in fear. While trying to fight for his kids, and everyone in the courts and DHS knowing him and hating him, he had nothing left to gain their sympathy so what does he do….he takes my child hood and the horrors that I had to live through and made them his….he told the courts that I molested him when he was younger…I had to go to DHS, offer to take a polygraph, do what I had to do to clear this up. It doesn’t matter if there is no truth to the story, once it is out there, it is hell to disprove. DHS believed me, thank goodness, but everyone else he told treated me like a poriah (not sure correct spelling)…You know a person would have thought that when this person told everyone at his grandfathers funeral gathering, the dinner, that he had to confess that he was going to kill me for my insurance money, that I would have left then, but no….that’s my kid…if I turn my back on him who will he have..His father hates him for the abusive treatment he has had to take from him since he was grown….What kind of mother would I be to do that…then the molestation accusations, then the last straw for me was when his wife, the person I treated more like a daughter than my own daughter, hit me and broke my cheekbone three months ago, then threw cans of canned goods at me against the garage door and bruised me all over…I finally had enough, filed charges, and tried to go to court…but my son told me then if I went to court then I better move…in other words he would get me.
    No I never was a perfect mother. I worked two jobs, tried to do the best for my son that I could…my daughters dad took her out of the crib when she was a baby and left for California. Back then you didnt have the laws you do now…but of course she doesn’t see it that way because I have never had an advocate that was there to tell her except my son…but he was always jealous anytime she would come around, so he certainly wasn’t going to try help anything that would hurt his meal ticket….because that is all I am to both of them a meal ticket…No more…I may be there mother, but I am also a human being with feelings. Right now I am to the point where I don’t care if I ever see either of them again in this life time. I am not going to pull the woe is me story…been there, cried over this crap for the latter half of my life…I have wasted a half of century of my life trying to make these kids love me for what…Never claimed to be a saint but never abused them, doted over my son as he was the only one that was ever around, even through the abusive times…I would always just say, “Oh he’s sick he cant help it” …My friends that have known me since both of these kids were little are sick of it, especially about the son….because they have been through this with me for thirty years….
    Of course, it hurts like hell. I also feel the life just drained from me….Try not to get depressed, but you can’t help but miss them in your life somehow…I know that I am not well, and I am fairly sure at this juncture I will leave this world alone…as I finally told them both exactly how I felt about them…It just came time for me to stand up for myself….As harsh as it sounds, just because you gave birth to them didn’t mean you had to give up your life, your soul…I did it, look where it got me..I really mean this with everything in my being…I wish I would have never had children…life would have surely been worth living, because it sure has been a miserable road the other way.S.

    • Luise August 14, 2011 at 5:20 pm #

      There probably are more people who feel like you do than we realize because they don’t have the courage to day it. My heart goes out to you.

  76. N. August 14, 2011 at 10:46 am #

    Hi all,
    I hesitate to post this, I’m not sure it will help anyone, but I hope that it does.

    I’m 31, married for not quite a year, and the only child of a divorced mother. We are on speaking terms right now, but I am constantly terrified of the next event that’s going to shut down communication again. I would like to be hopeful and imagine that it won’t, but the ups & downs of the last ten years give me too much evidence of the contrary.

    An adult child doesn’t turn on a parent because of the infant years, the toddler stage, the play dates, the baking, the help with homework or the extra-curricular activities. All those things are part of the connection that causes an adult child to want to continue a relationship with a parent.
    But those things lose out when weightier issues enter the relationship.
    For me, it was a blatant refusal to acknowledge that I was suffering from depression. In fact, it was a series of conversations and attitudes (over 4 years) that taught me that my mother believed:
    1- I had no right to be depressed
    2- If I felt that way, I was probably demon-possessed (that’s almost a direct quote)

    Numerous times, my attempts to reach out to my primary support in the world (my father was out of the picture for many, many years) led to a rejection of what I knew to be true, and a denial of what I was feeling.

    All of the cupcakes and music lessons in the world can’t make up for outright rejection of who the adult child is and what they are going through.

    At no point did I expect my mother to apologize or take away my depression, that wasn’t her job! I just desperately needed her to acknowledge my right to experience something different from what she understood and hold my hand as I went through it.

    But that never happened. When, after several years, she finally agreed to refer to ‘my depression’, rather than ‘my feeling a little blue’ (two hospitalizations were a bit expensive for feeling blue), it was only in reference to the fact that I had made some drastic life choices to cope that she felt were actions against her personally. (I persued a dream and moved abroad to get my master’s degree)

    Now, after an extremely violent series of altercations involving other family members, my new husband and a number of witnesses, we seem to have returned to a calmer interaction.

    But, I’m terrified to tell her that I’m pregnant. I’m 31 years old, and because of our difficult past, I’m scared to tell my mother I’m pregnant. I’m also terrified of bring all of this STUFF into my relationship with my child(ren). Do I let her back in fully? Or do I protect myself & them?

    So Moms & Dads posting here, I understand that it’s maddening and painful. But it may help to focus less on what you did for them when they were 4, 9, 17 and more on what your relationship has been like since they left home.
    Parenting is the most difficult job – but at no point does it mean not being human.
    Maybe try to look at them as humans who just need their hurts recognized?
    And at yourselves as humans who are free to lead your own lives.

    If they want to go, let them go. But be honest with yourself that the blame can’t possibly be all on one side.

    Sorry to go on so long. N.

    • Luise August 14, 2011 at 5:23 pm #

      Thank you. I hope this helps others.

  77. K. August 14, 2011 at 12:58 pm #

    Researching “bad parents” and “bad mothers” , I came across this website. I am astonished that these mothers see themselves as having been good to their adult children who now hate them. It seems to me that these mothers never really unconditionnally loved their children. They gave them food and shelter , and for this the children should be grateful for that. I have never heard Good mothers say they fed and clothed and gave a shelter to their children. Good mothers assume this is something so noatural, they don’t even mention it. Good mothers always emphasize how much they enjoy how kind, nice , … their children were when small. How much they enjoyed the fun with ther children when they were young, how much they loved them, how much they praised them, how much they were proud of all their children achievements, how much they did not want to be a burden to their children, how their door was always open for their children, how they would never disrespect nor critize their own children, how they protected their children, … how they were glad to have waited for the right person to have their children, how their house was a loving ( with no hidden or denied pedophilia or molestation of course) environment. Bad mothers keep emphasizing that they worked hard for their children, that they did “what they could”, as if the children owed them something. I do not sense any unconditionnal love for the parents. Karma is tough. K.

    • Luise August 14, 2011 at 5:26 pm #

      Pretty hard to generalize. And I sometimes wonder about the word “unconditional” when used to describe humans…who are just that. Human.

  78. J. August 14, 2011 at 7:10 pm #

    I am in the same sort of situation as most of the other people on here. My granddaughter has hurt me so much and I don’t know how to deal with it. When she was born, her father chose not to be a part of her life. He was very angry that my daughter decided to have her rather than abort her. He never saw her in the first 5 years of her life until my daughter had a breakdown and could not take proper care of her. My daughter and granddaughter were living with me at the time. Initially, I thought that my daughter was on drugs because she was delusional and talking out of her head. She was a school teacher and had worked for 9 years in public schools and never had any problems before the age of 30. When I returned home from a business trip, she was delusional and acting strange so I told her that if she was on drugs, it was time for her to move. She immediately got up and packed some things and left with my granddaughter. They started staying in shelters and she would no allow me to see the child, so I filed for custody.

    The father had a new wife and he also went for custody. To make a long story short, I got possessory rights and grandparent’s rights in 1999.

    From the very beginning the step-mother took control and would not allow me to see the child on some of my weekends. She abused the child by slapping her, shaking her by the ears, and beating her with a belt buckle. I took the back to court in 2003 only to have my grandparent’s rights reduced because a new Truxel law.
    The step-mother could not have children of her own and she was very jealous of the bond that the child and I had between us.

    Right after they got custody, I went out and bought several little dresses for my granddaughter who was starting to Kindergarten. One year later, the step-mother gave the dresses back to me with the tags still attached and said that she didn’t want them. This hurt me so much. By then, the child had outgrown the dresses.
    The child began to ask me when she was going to get to come home and I had to explain to her in a child’s way that her daddy loved her very much and that her mother was sick and could not take care of her. She would cry and cry to come and live with me again, and it broke my heart, but I knew that I could not win in court. I told her that she belonged with your parents and that since her mother was not living with me anymore, she had to stay with her dad. Once she asked me if she had to love her dad and I told her that she did. I taught her about Jesus and that it was in the bible to Honor her parents. She asked if she had to love her step-mother and I told you that if her step-mother was good to her, she would earn her love and it would come naturally. When she told me that she was not good to her, I asked why she felt that way. She told me that the step-mother shook her by the ears and hurt her for not cleaning the litter box out. I told her that she was just upset but if it happened again to let me know
    On the child’s 6th birthday, I called the step-mother and left a message asking if they were going to give the child a party and if I could help. She did not return my call, so I called again and left another message. After the second call, the step-mother left a message on my recorder telling me that, yes, she was having a party for the child, but we were not invited. She was so cruel to be that way for I had not done anything to her. I believe that the step-mother was psychologically and physically abusing her by teaching her how to hurt the ones she loved.
    When the child was about 8 years old, she came to me and showed me where the step-mother hit her with a belt buckle and caused bruises on her back. After seeing the bruises, I was shocked at the fact that she used the belt buckle for discipline. Rather than cause a big upset, I told the child to tell the school nurse so that she could document the abuse. Later, I took them to court and lost only to have my grandparent’s visitation reduced because of a new Truxel law regarding grandparent’s rights. Their intention was to hurt me, not caring that it hurt the child too.

    During all this time, I tried to help her mother with her issues, which turned out to be a rare delusional disorder caused by gold injections on her hips, by keeping her in the loop of visiting with the child by paying for her flights and bus trips back to Texas in order for them to maintain a relationship with at least every 6 months. I knew that if I didn’t do this, the child would not remember her mother. The step-mother continued to condemn the child’s mother for abandoning her, thus brainwashing and instilling anger in the child’s mind, rather than teaching her to love and respect her mom who was ill. I never tried to turn the child against the step-mother or her dad; however, it did anger me when the step-mother abused the child. I always taught her to love them.

    The stress of having a daughter with a mental disability and knowing that my granddaughter was living in an abusive home was weighing heavy on my heart.

    When her mother finally received help with her mental issues, I paid for her flight to come back home and live. She was doing fine on her medication and I helped her get her visitation back. I paid for her attorney and relinquished my grandparent’s rights and possessory rights back to her. I knew that I could see the child through her mother, but that didn’t last long because she chose to go off her medication and her delusions came back. All that I had worked for was undone.

    The step-mother continued to abuse the child, pushing me in front of her at her school Thanksgiving Dinner, pushing the child at her school’s Open House, slapping her in the face, verbally abusing her over the years, throwing her Valentine’s gifts and overnight bag out on the highway and chasing me down the highway at a high rate of speed with the child in the car, shooting the bird at me in front of the child, nearly running me over (throwing gravel in my face), and finally nearly murdering the child when she was 15 years old in 2009, not to mention a time when the child had a concussion and had no memory of what happened, which led us to believe that there had been another abuse to her.

    The child began to show aggression by fighting with her friends in school, fighting with her boyfriends, and experimenting in sexual relationships by the age of 13 years old, and of course your father and the step-mother blamed her mother and I for her misbehavior when our time together was limited
    I was there for the child all of her life when her father was not there and also when your mother was not there either. I was there for her. I was the only consistent one in her life growing up. Even when our visits were limited, she could always turn to me and she did when her step-mother slapped her in the face in 2008. After 6 weeks, the child returned to the abuse.

    Exactly one year later in 2009, when the child was beaten beyond recognition, she turned to me again for my help. I immediately went to her rescue and took her in. I was shocked beyond belief when I saw her injuries. According to the CPS report, she was “nearly murdered” by the step-mother and the father. This took a great toll on me, financially, physically, and mentally, for I was retired and on a fixed income and my health was going down and still does. I didn’t know if I could take her in, but I did what I had to do and that was to protect her from any more abuse.

    The child had so much anger built up and she asked me to file for custody. I did knowing that it would cost me a great deal to do so, but I did. I sacrificed a lot for her.

    Her father refused to support her because of his hate and anger against your mother and me. We filed charges on the father and his wife, but the DA threw them out because it was declared mutual combat. I don’t care what that child did to bring it on; I felt that it was not justifiable, but because the step-mother works in the US Attorney’s office, I believe that there was some corruption taking place. I would not have had to take him to court if he would have agreed to support the child. He refused to pay anything, even though he was advised by CPS to do so. I managed to support her by dipping into my savings. She came to me with virtually nothing but the clothes on her back.

    I got custody and the father got no visitation and had to pay child support which helped me pay for the car that the child so desired on your 16th birthday. I knew that she had been traumatized and I wanted to give back to her what her father and the step-mother took away from her, self worth.

    One year, the child began to make wrong choices, breaking the law, running with the wrong crowd, sneaking out of the house at night, putting her life in danger, and showing me disrespect. I chose to discipline her in a different way rather than beating her to near death, by grounding her and taking her car away. I had a written contract with the child when I gave her the car and told her that she had three strikes and she would be walking and riding the school buss. By then she had already built a huge wall of anger in your heart. I tried to teach her forgiveness and encouraged you to join the youth group at our church, hoping that it would help her release some of the anger that was harboring inside of her. I let her slide with an extra strike before taking the car from her indefinitely. I know in my heart that I did the RIGHT thing in trying to teach her that there were consequences for her actions and that everything that she received in life would not come easily, that she had to earn what she received, and I wanted her to know that just because she was given a gift, she had to earn it too, in order to keep it. I chose to discipline her without using corporal punishment, thus, hoping to break the cycle of history repeating itself.

    After sneaking out of the house one night and getting picked up by the law, she began to throw a screaming temper tantrum. She left and went to her mother who was still delusional. The law would not help me make her come home. When she attended a community service workshop, I picked her up there and the law made her go with me. She tried to jump out of my car while traveling on a highway at 65 miles an hour. I had to hold her down with one arm and drive with the other arm. She proceeded to hit me in the face, stomach, and ribs with the cell phone. She bit and pinched me also drawing blood. I immediately drove her to the police station where the admitted her into juvenile detention hall. After 5 days, I went and got her out. She never apologized to me for hurting me. She left my home and went back to her abusive father and step-mother. They immediately gave her a new vehicle. She wrecked it 2 months later and by 5 months after leaving my home, she was pregnant.

    When her birthday and Christmas came in 2010, I sent her a gift. She thanked me and we began talking via email. She told me about the baby and even sent me a picture of the ultrasound, but when he was born on August 3, 2011, I have not heard from her. She told some friends that she did not want the side of her family to come to the hospital because her dad and that family did not get along with us.

    I was so hurt by this that I wrote her a letter telling her how much I loved her but that I had to let her go. I reinforced to her that I loved her and that I would be there for her if she needed me, but that I would not push a relationship with her anymore unless she made it happen. I told her all of the things that her step-mother and father did over the years and how they had hurt not only her, but us too. She immediately wrote me and told me in one sentence that I had no right to degrade her dad and his family.

    Even though I am letting her go, I am hurting so much and don’t know how to get through this. My daughter is doing better, but still has delusions so my relationship with her is limited also. She also has symptoms of undiagnosed bi-polar. One day, I am the best mother on earth and the next day, she might say that I am scum of the earth. My heart is bleeding. Was I wrong to write this all down to my granddaughter? J.

    • Luise August 17, 2011 at 8:04 am #

      I don’t think there is a right or wrong in such situations. She knows where you stand and I think it was probably healthy for you to make that clear. Your life is your path. You were a whole person before you became a mother and a grandmother, and you can be whole again. You seserve so much better…it’s time to heal and give yourself a better life. Blessings, Luise

  79. M. August 17, 2011 at 1:19 pm #

    I am in tears reading these stories. I have 4 children. I have two daughters that get along but the older one does not get along with any of the siblings. She had my grandson. I have helped since the day she was pregnant but I only get wrath from her when I go around the other two girls and their babies. If it were up to her I would stop loving the other 3 children and only love her ..it makes no sense. So today i was told i can no longer see my grandson until my one daughter who has a 3 month old moves out … I am in the middle of their craziness and all I want to so is love my grand babies. How can ur own flesh and blood call you names and treat a mother with such disrespect! I am so heartbroken i carry a strong bond with my grandson. I am being punished she is always angry hates that the other two girls talk. Her anger is scarey but i course everyone is wrong but her. its insane and makes no sense to me. I cry over and over it makes my stomach hurt … I am not sure what to do here… the insanity is horrible. I know when the grand kids are older and the questions begin there are going to cry like I DID…KARMA is only a few years away! M.

  80. C. August 19, 2011 at 11:27 pm #

    I always thought that I was alone having my two eldest children hate me. I know the reasons why this happened bu this knowledge doesn’t bring me any peace.

    After several years and too many experiences where I was always painted as the bad guy, I finally came to the realization that he was a con man.

    I left him and we divorced. He told me that he only wanted the house and that I should “take” the kids because he didn’t want them. That is until he found out that to retain the house he would have to have custody do the kids.

    I live in a conservative area and at that time very few men filed for custody but father’s rights groups were protesting and putting increased pressure on the courts to give them custody.

    Unfortunately for me, I got a judge who had been the main target of these articles and statistics showed that he rarely gave custody to men.

    So…he decided that MY case was going to used to meet the statistics!

    Even though every evaluation showed that I was the better parent, I still lost custody. The judge constantly sided every motion against me. My ex convinced my children that I was a bad parent because “Even the Judge thinks so”.

    Years of brainwashing with many, many lies told about me caused my children to hate me.

    I’ve never missed an event of theirs even though I’ve been shunned, ignored and treated worse than a stranger. They didn’t talk to me for 4 years even though I called and tried to see them. I slowly got them to see me only after almost begging them to come over. Even then they would stand me up many times, leaving me waiting for them.

    They both finally graduated, the oldest from college and the younger one from high school and I finally told them that I had enough.

    I’ve wasted years, thousands of dollars and too many tears. Yes, it still hurts very badly but I know in my heart that it will never change. Sixteen years of their hatred has taught me this.

    To any children who are reading this, who feel justified in hating their mother…look in the mirror and see if you like the person you see. Is it really you who caused this?

    Something to think about, something a very wise therapist told me…your relationship with your mother is the single most important relationship that you will ever have. If you are not at peace with this relationship then all other relationships will fail. C.

  81. Y. August 22, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

    Nobody blames him/herslef!!!
    Just blame yourself, whomever you are… Think twice, and 3 times, and 4 times. JUST RETHINK when you feel someone is hurting you. Search for the reason. Be aside from yourself a bit, and see it once from the big picture, and again from the other’s point of view; perhaps both of you are mistaking.
    It’s “accept”, then “accept”, then “accept”; then “nice”, and “nice”, and “nice”; then “love”, and “love”, and “love”. SIMPLY.
    It’s “STOP WASTING YOUR TIME ON (BAD), AND START INVESTING IN (GOOD)”.
    God Bless Y.

  82. M. August 24, 2011 at 12:08 pm #

    I read these stories and I agree with K. Children do not just wake up one day and for no reason whatsoever say, “You know what? I hate that person who loved me all my life.” This business of feeding and clothing–this is precisely what I’ve always said about my parents. It’s as if we were pets, as long as we were fed and watered, we were good to go. My mother speaks of “sacrificing her life” for me. I assume what she means is sacrificing a boat or a swimming pool she’s liked to have had in order to put food on the table for me. I paid half my doctor’s bills growing. I was told the day I turned 15 that no one was buying me a car. I paid cash for college because my dad, who made too much money for me to qualify for financial aid, refused to pay yet continued claiming me as a dependent on his taxes so I couldn’t qualify on my own. Last year when my grandmother, who was quite wealthy was dying, these people “who sacrificed their lives for me” conspired to put me in a mental hospital in an attempt to gain conservatorship over me because they were afraid my grandmother was going to leave me money instead of them. When they failed, they illegally filed an earlier copy of her will, pretending the revised one never existed just to get their hands on money. And the worst part? No one believes me. My mother puts on that hurt, plaintive face, and talks about how concerned she is and how much she wants to help me and everyone dismisses me as crazy or mean because they, being normal parents, cannot imagine a mother doing such things as my mother does. Trust me. These people whining and crying know precisely why their children hate them. They just hate that others are finding out as well-and worst, others believe their children. They don’t want a relationship with their children. They want not to be accountable for the actions. They don’t want the world to know what horror they inflicted on powerless children. Let this be a wake up call–that powerless kid you abuse will one day be free. Free to leave you, free to tell the world what you did. If you don’t want kids, don’t have them. They’re not accessories or requirements. If you’d prefer a pool to a baby, keep the bathwater and leave the baby be. M.

    • Luise August 25, 2011 at 10:11 am #

      Your parents were dispicable. You have very good cause, many don’t. You weren’t spoiled and then furious when it ended. You were the exception to the rule and if I ‘d had parents like that I would never have become the wise and cogent person you have become. Sending love…

  83. A. August 25, 2011 at 5:56 pm #

    My question is this, I have been put in the middle of a battle between DCS and my oldest daughter and her husband and children. They were arrested and the children were taken away from them for subspicion of child neglect and abuse. I am being ask to take 1 child out of 4 and DCS is not being honest to the parents what is about to happen, DCS wants to terminate parental rights. If I take a grandchild and the parents rights are terminated then my rights with my daughter will also be terminated. I don’t feel it should be my place to tell her that she is about to lose her 4 children for good and never see them again. Also all 4 children are placed in four different home placements. How can I as a mother make the decision between my own child or 1 grandchild out of 4 ? The biolgical father is very controling and has my daughter brainwashed that she will get her children back one way or another and they can beat the system. But this is not what is going to happen.
    Also if the parents rights are terminated my rights as a grandmother are also terminated and I would not be able to see the other grandchildren either. What a complicated mess. Do you think I should tell my daughter the truth about her children or make DCS tell her the truth? She may have a chance with her children if she would leave her husband but like I said earlier he has her brainwashed. He could sell an eskimoo a glass of ice water! Get my point. He is one smooth talker. Any suggestions or feed back would be greatly appreciated. A.

    • Luise August 26, 2011 at 9:44 am #

      First of all, I deeply respect the way you are looking at all sides of this “mess.” It is going to have to be your call, of course. I can only tell you that I don’t think I would step into the middle of such toxic dynamics. I wouldn’t tell my daughter what she didn’t want to hear or face, either. You can’t change her or her choice to be dominated. It is a choice. Taking one child might do more harm than good in my opinion. I would step back and be there for all of them…if and when possible, in every way possible.

  84. S. August 28, 2011 at 11:59 am #

    We had two sons. Our eldest died suddenly in 2007 aged 30 years. Our second son is 6 years younger. He was devastated when his brother died, as were we his mum and dad and to this day we have such heartache. He never asked us for anything, he left home and took up with a girl thought the relationship was not perfect. Our son forever complaining, but we never interfered, we listened and gave advice. When he died it was and still is unbearable.But we have a good network of friends in particular who support us. Our second son later became engaged tohis long term girlfriend and the four of us got on famously. But then he became obsessed with his “moobs” had surgery which in our minds has left him mutilated…though we never once told him our true feelings after we saw him after surgery. We did try to dissuade him before the op trying to build his confidence telling him how there was nothing wrong with his physiche but his girlfriend would ridicule him saying things like he needed a bigger bra than she needed. We didn’t interfere, we tried subtle ways to try to boost his esteem but nothing would change his mind. He also got very greedy wanting more and more money by hard study to get better qualifications to better employment and we were so very proud of his acheivements but did not like the greed factor. He trained and successfully completed two marathons. He wanted to make his late brother proud of him. Then when hemoved to another job and another city, he left behind a trail of debt to a very dear friend of all three of us. We were gobsmacked when our friend arrived at our door in depseration and loatrhing at having to tell us what our son had done. Of course we made good the debt and paid our friend. But our son and his future wife let rip into us for paying this debt. We know it was nothiong to do with us technically but we had a duty and an obligation to our dear friend, who himself said he felt as if he had been iocked in the stomach. Our son then made a disgusting allegation against his dead brother which has left us reeling. Our son has never looked us in the eyes and told us, no, he preferred to text this or email and is not open to any talking face to face about it. His brother is dead an cannot defend himself, and it is very clear to us that this allegation has come about to deflect from the real issue of the debt he left to our friend and the way we his mum and dad were left to face it. We have told him right from the start that we don’t want the money back as we now he’s saving to get married. But the nastiness from our son and his future wife is unbelieveable. We will not be at their wedding as a result because our son cannot, or will not come to us as an adult and tell us about his allegations, he will not tell us what his brother was meant to have done. We need to know, we need to know what it was, when and where. We go over and over the years trying to look for any sign of what may have gone on but there is nothing. Our boys were normal, though a 6 year gap they were loving brothers, we were a loving family. Our eldest son was visciously mugged when he was 14 by another boy from school and this was terrible for over a year for the 4 of us. Our eldest son suffered in his education because of it, and he left home at 16. So why now these allegations,when the three of us were united in our grief 4 years ago when our dear dear boy died. Why did our son visit his brothers grave? why did he grieve and take weeks off work after his death and take all the sympathy and support from everyone? Now we have lost him too. On reflection when he moved to a new job in a new city just 12 months ago, he and his future wife did appear distant when we visited one day on our way home from the airport after our holiday last year. We had helped him to move into his new flat before we went away. We had such a good day full of laughter ( little did we know he was leaving behind a trail of debt) saw him settled then a few days later we went on holiday. On our return we called by his new flat as it was easier we knew we couldn’t visit for a few weeks if we hadn’t called by. But though he new we were calling by, and he was or “sounded” pleased, when we got there, the atmosphere was rather colder. His future wife, though we had always “seemed” to get on, appeared distant and went off to shower while we were there. But at the time we didn’t think anything was wrong. It’s only when a month later our friend dropped the debt bombshell. We had been in contact with our son and his future wife in that month by phone text and email. But once this kicked off, they bothe closed the shutters and then made terrible accusations agianst our deceased son. And so it has been for 11 months. Our son has now chamged his job again and his address. His mobile phone and email address no longer accessible to us. We don’t have any family left so we only have friends and all who know our son cannot believe it. They all loved our son, although many had reservations about his choice of future wife. Though she is not close to us, we tried our utmost to mae her feel welcome and our son said he was jealous that she could visit us without him, yet he could not visit her parents alone as he didn’t get on with them.
    Anyway, after reading lots from your website, we did our best, we loved bothour sons we greive for our dear boy who was taken away so abruptly and wiothout warning. I for one cannot forgive what my second son has done, though his dad can, and I will never try to change that.We have been married for 35 years and have gone through such a lot together. But I think we should now live for ourselves with the little time we have left. Your website shows us that we are not alone, and yes one day our son will have his own children and then he might realise what it is like to give true unconditional love and suffer great hurt. S.

    • Luise August 29, 2011 at 7:45 am #

      Please consider coming over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where you will find support and understanding. A great deal of healing has taken place there as women struggling with issues around adult children and extended families share their experiences and anguish. You were all whole before we had children and you can be whole again.. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

  85. A. August 31, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

    hi all
    im from england , i have a daughter that is 21 and is in a bad relationship with a man that she’s been with for 5 years , thay have 2 childrens [grandchildrens] and i have found out that she is haveing another one , thay do not work, thay smoke weed and the kids are on a protection order with sociscal services, he been in prison for hitting her three times , i have done every thing i can think of to make her see he is no good, but now she is going back with hem again [ if thay were ever apart] and is going to have this baby , like she is doing it to spite me , me and her dad split up when she was 10 years old, he was no good and keeps out of all this , and she seems to respect him more . now we are not talking because i put my foot down, i am so tied of all this , i also have a son 22 years old who i have no problems with and a little girl of 6 years from my second marriage, i lost my own farther to cancer some years gone and my mother is in a care home she had a stoke 10 years ago, and to top it off my new husband is a recovering alciolic he is doing well but the problems we have with my daughter can triger it off , when can i get some peace, i want to wipe my hands off her ,but i fill so gilty.can any one make sence of all this and help. A.

    • Luise September 5, 2011 at 10:22 am #

      Let her know that you love her but you do not accept her choices and will only be available to her in the event that she cleans up her life. Then put your focus and love where it is respected and returned…at home.

  86. A. September 1, 2011 at 10:54 am #

    Hi Luise and all mothers here

    Something does not add up. Why would two adult children say you are a terrible mother and one cut you off but then relent at your pleading?

    Have you searched your soul to determine if perhaps their complaints are valid?

    Have you listened to their complaints, heard them, and offered a sincere apology, not one that makes excuses such as I know I did not attend you wedding, but I was not feeling well and it was inconvenient so I did not think to send a gift, instead.

    I am a counselor and I find that a lot of times patients do not want to hear the truth of the situation, they want to be soothed and told they are good parents, even when it is obvious they are not.

    I think too many counselors do this, too, simply to help the client feel better about themselves, but in the end all it does is make it so their children are less likely to reconnect with them.

    Find a counselor that will tell you the truth. Can you handle the truth or do you want to be soothed?

    In by 40 years of counseling I have never met an adult child who that was successful in lie, and not addicted to drugs or homeless, who cut off a parent for no reason.

    There is typically a reason, but the parent wants to bury it and place blame. A.

  87. K. September 2, 2011 at 8:30 pm #

    life is a two way street. it’s a very long journey recovering from parents who were mostly absent. and when present, abusive and self absorbed. why do your children not want you around? i don’t mean to upset but you have to understand they didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to hate you.

    i’m reading a lot of stories here from lonely parents. perhaps they have lonely children? K.

  88. M. September 5, 2011 at 4:50 am #

    ihave a daughter and my story is pretty much the same story except she tries to turn her two brothers against me and tries to take my job of being their mother and costing me a lot of money . thanks god her brothers don’t allow her to do it. I have learned just to leave her along and do for my two sons . I concentrate on those who love me and want me and i don’t worry about it no more.She also treats her mother in law better than she treats her own mother. I just got tired of playing her little games. She is also very jealous of what i have .I tried to tell her you have to crawl before you can walk.when you get my age i hope you have what i have and more.but for now you have to go slow and get what you can afford. W.

    • Luise September 5, 2011 at 10:31 am #

      You are wise and you make a lot of sense to me.

  89. J. September 5, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    Children are brought up by parents not the other way round. Children owe parents nothing by moral law. Parents are responsible for the emotional, psychological and physical well-being of the child. Parents often get it wrong. They themselves are often abused, damaged, unhappy or careless. Children get hurt. They will often treat their parents when they are adult as they were treated when they were children. Parents must accept the consequences and let go. These self-pitying forums tell me one thing: there are a heck of a lot of narcissistic, self-absorbed parents who should let go of the power trip of parenting and get a life of their own. Let. Go.

    • Luise September 5, 2011 at 10:33 am #

      Yup…andthere are a lot of narcissistic, self-absorbed adult chldren.

  90. M. September 5, 2011 at 5:04 pm #

    I am ion the same boat. My 22 year old daughter, married two years ago, left me at 19 went to live with his family. Begged me to come to the wedding, I did,I was so stressed that I ended up hospitalized and she never came to the hospital. She has had a baby, who I did see and love so much. But, suddenly, she is not calling lies to me, doesnt come around much, and I am heartbroken. She’smy only child. I think its the husband’s influence (cuban). They live only 2 miles away, and so do his parents. Tonite that is where they are. She says, I will call you and never does. I cant live like this anymore!! I am so sad.M.

  91. T. September 6, 2011 at 7:11 pm #

    I am a daughter who hates her mother and my 3 siblings do as well. I am 53 years old and she is 84.
    She has verbally and emotionally abused us her whole life and has gotten worse with age. She is an extreme narcissistic who blames everyone else for all her problems. Not once in my life did she ever admit she had something to do with her own problems. And the thing about narcissists is they never recognize who they are and what they do to everyone especially their own children.
    It is so sad for us to think we missed out on a loving mother and were stuck with a witch!!
    It probably doesn’t apply to everyone here but I would surmise many of you have treated your children horribly. Take a hard look in the mirror and think what you may have done to deserve this treatment from your own children. Maybe you will see why they do treat you this way but I know many of you won’t!T.

    • Luise September 7, 2011 at 9:56 am #

      Ultimately, no matter what was dished out to us and how unfair that was, we had to take the responsibility for our own healing and happiness. We weren’t able to “fix” life for others and the can’t “fix” it for us. Too true.

  92. J. September 7, 2011 at 7:30 am #

    ‘Yup…andthere are a lot of narcissistic, self-absorbed adult chldren.’

    …and who made them?

    The point I’m making is that you can’t blame your own child for being what you made them…the problem is that certain types of parents can’t ‘get’ that the child is, yes responsible for themselves as an adult, but not responsible for their parents – in any way. They learned the parents values from the cradle. A parent who thinks it has the ‘right’ to demand anything from an adult child (even time…), has always had it wrong about what parenting is all about. It is the ultimate sacrifice. The key is to accept this graciously and let go. If you resent your child for daring to ignore you after you ‘gave it life’ then you should never have had children. It is the duty of a child to fly and leave and the duty of the parent to allow it and be proud. If they return to visit or help you, then you were a good parent, if they don’t, trust me, you weren’t. Children want a loving relationship with their parents if they possibly can. If they can’t, why would you force it unless you are incensed with hatred/resentment against your child and if you feel that way now, you’ve have the seeds of that for years and they will have felt it. In other words, you were always ‘counting’ what you were giving in the hope of getting it back when they were adult. No? Is that not the source of your self-righteousness?

    So I say, yes there are self-absorbed children but who provided the environment for them to become and remain that way? It’s no coincidence if you lose your children. Look to yourself. Don’t say: ‘how dare my child ignore me’, but ‘how dare I think I have the right to demand my ego is fed by my child’. Perhaps the child is trying to teach you what parenting ‘should’ be about and you hate them for daring to stand up for themselves and cut you out. After all they were powerless and dependent once – how dare they think they have the right to grow away from your special powers….be honest with yourself.

    Some may hear what I’m saying. Many won’t. I speak as both parent and child and I vowed when I had my children I would never expect anything from them and prayed they would never feel any obligation to me. It can be a disabling feeling for a child which limits their natural response to life. I would rather never see my children again than have any one of them feel I am feeding off them emotionally or psychologically or any other way. They know I love them but need nothing from them and that gives them ultimate emotional freedom to show me they love me if they wish, in their own ways. I always feel blessed if one of them is in touch or does something nice but I don’t presume it or expect it. It is not their duty to fill my life or pander to my weaknesses.

    For your own sakes, let go, breathe, love your children whoever they have become and concentrate on building your own self-esteem, happiness and life. You will be surprised that when you are happy, you will no longer have so much resentment against those who you mistakenly believe ‘owe you’. You will also realise that all the qualities you take issue with in your child – you helped build. J.

    • Luise September 7, 2011 at 9:52 am #

      That’s one side of the equation and one way to look at it. Good for you for making it work in your own life.

  93. D. September 7, 2011 at 11:49 pm #

    I cam across this site while looking at caregivers for elderly parents. OMG, I can not believe all these moms on here with kids who hate them. I have 4 kids..two are my own and 2 are my step sons I raised since they were in diapers. Their own mother had died. I was not the perfect parent but my kids and I have the best relationships. Each of my kids has a different relationship with me. NONE of my kids have ever cursed at me, disrepected me or said they hate me. I find this amazing that these monster kids exist. I had my first child at age 19…was with their father and then got divorced 15 years later. We did not have a lot and at times ran out of food. My kids always had new clothes at the start of the school year, and they ALWAYS had something to eat..I used to go to food pantries. My kids always had a good Christmas. They remember them to this day. My youngest is 31. HOW do you let the realtionships with your children deteriorate to this level??? I have smacked my kids while they were little, grounded them, yelled at them, BUT, I loved them. Was always at baseball games, school functions, and would die for them. And they knew this. I personally believe that the majority of these parents have spoiled and pampered their children to no end. They never let them grow up and become responsible adults. I was hard on my kids. As teenagers two of them had to go to boot camp and juvenile hall. This mama did not play with them. I went back to school while my kids were young..became an RN. ALL my kids are self sufficent and live on their own. They won’t move farther than a city away…I NEVER spoiled my kids, NEVER indulged them, NEVER paid their bills when they were adults…like I read here that the moms are doing..WHY are you paying child support for your grown son who refuses to do so???? WHY are you paying your grown daughters bills and rent?? Discipline should have been given when your kids were very young…Sorry but this is what I believe. You indulge your children and spoil them rotten…you end up with a Monster….If you teach your children respect at a VERY young age, that is what they will learn. Very tragic to hear all of these stories…..but moms…you know what you did and you now who you are…and you should not be asking why your kids hate you…VERY SAD. D.

    • Luise September 12, 2011 at 8:47 am #

      D – I wish it were that simple. Many raised their kids just like you did. Be thankful you are not writing me right now asking why, why, why?

  94. L. September 12, 2011 at 5:02 pm #

    My kids probably don’t hate me, but still will have nothing to do with me, including keeping my grandkids from me. I truly don’t know why. I have some theories, but that is all. Yes, it hurts. What makes it harder is that I am disabled, not doing well health wise, and in constant, daily pain, and always will be. It is the sickness that has all my attention at this point, and I am getting past the part where my kids aren’t in my life anymore. They never call, never try to find out how I am doing. It was about the time I became disabled that they stopped offering their support. They are self-centered and only care about themselves. I was a good mother when they were small, but we had a lot of other problems. Their father was a fool. I am divorced and alone now, housebound and suffering. I am working hard on learning to put myself first and to care about myself, because no one else does. There is no one who shows me love or tells me they love me. I am truly alone, but learning how to be grateful for alone-ness. I hope you all can learn to get past the pain our kids are inflicting on us and to learn to move on without them. I know it is hard to imagine a life without those you have born in your body. But in many ways, it is less painful to cut the ties completely than it is to hang on dangling by a thread waiting for the next painful incident or memory to bang into you, hurting you all over again. L.

  95. J. September 13, 2011 at 5:54 pm #

    So true, if it were only that simple. I too sit here in overwelming pain, wondering why/how could my 28 year old daughter have filed a harassment restraining order against me when I went to warn her of her live in boyfriend touching my 6 year old grandson inappropriately, and the court granting it after the judge stating “sounds like a family matter to me”. For 6 months minimum now I won’t get to see him, the love of my life, but my daughters very controlling bf of a year now has total reign over him and her. Not that she was perfect before hooking up with this guy, she wasn’t, she had a diagnosis of bipolar and hasn’t taken medication since she moved out at 18, she drinks and smokes, and what ever else too. I’ve been there for my grandson, to take care of him when she couldn’t, when she wanted to go party, go play with her men. I’ve moved across the state to help her take care of him, paid her rent and bought her food, and yes even parents of grown children do that when they’re loved ones are in need, I could not watch my grandson starve! I know my daughter hates me, her father died when she was 9 and she has told me she wished it was me instead of him, I wish so too. My heart, like so many moms unable to understand or see their loved ones, is BROKEN!!!! Is my grandson being molested??
    The judge didn’t care?? My daughter wanted a harassment restraining order, so she got one. that simple. now I am some kind of criminal apparently, and my grandson goes without seeing the two most stable people, me and my other daughter, he has in his life, because my oldest daughter lied under oath and told a stupid judge a pack of lies and refused to let us give full testimony. Wow! The system does not protect and serve at all!! Anyway, I’m glad I found this site, I don’t feel like the only mother on the face of the earth crushed and betrayed by a disrespectful, ungrateful, sick daughter that only thinks of herself and personal desires. Oh, did I mention, that I had recently lost my job and there wasn’t the financial help pooring over to her like all the other years she allowed me to see my grandson? She’s used him like a pawn, I feel so sorry for him, and the courts allow parents to get away with that all the time! He’s lived with me as much as her and now I can’t even see him; what does he think, what does she tell him about why I’m not in his life anymore? I love him and miss him so much….J.

  96. A. September 13, 2011 at 9:05 pm #

    PS Sorry to have gone on so long in the above post, but it is so sad and frustrating. I have gone to therapy with the youngest and tried to work with her, but just when I think we are making headway, she relapses and hates me again for no reason. It just defies logic. She knows I will never give up on her and that I only want her to be well and have a good life, but she keeps sabotaging herself and then blaming me for her choices. People say “Don’t spend money on therapists” but they have helped her turn herself around a bit already, it just seems like such a long, expensive road… I don’t expect my kids to support me or call me too often or any of those things. The two that no longer live at home have plenty of space; I don’t put them on any guilt trips and I don’t call them unless it’s been a week or so since I’ve heard from them. I keep myself busy. I just want to know that I am not hated is all. A.

  97. A. September 16, 2011 at 11:26 am #

    I don’t think the kids are monster you guys ever stop to think how you parents, family treat your children and love ones. Kids in general feel as though they are the black sheep in the family, they are treated so badly in the past that hatred is the only thing they get accustom to. It stem from all the years they haven’t treated baadly, unfairly. It happen to the best of us. I think not all parents are born to be parents they need to develop their parenting skills like seriously. Parents taking sides and we all know that parents always have a favorite and that’s one factor that pushes a child away, always discouraging them is another factor…… I could say much more but time is limited. A.

  98. G. September 17, 2011 at 9:34 am #

    Hello. For years I have been suffering the same hurts, heartaches and pain I’ve read in every single post from mothers whose children seem to hate them. I have recently become aware that this seems to be almost an epidemic especially with Moms who raised their daughters after a divorce. I have 3 daughters, two older ones from my first marriage, a marriage where I suffered some physical abuse and a whole lot of mental and verbal abuse. This is the marriage that ended with me divorcing their father. My youngest daughter was born of another failed relationship. So for about 7 years I single-parented 2 and then 3 children until I married the man I have now been with for nearly 25 years.
    I have a fantastic relationship with my youngest daughter-loving, caring and filled wth mutual respect. She phones me nearly every single day and we talk sometimes for hours.
    My problems lie with my 2 older daughters. I would never hear from them if I didn’t call first, and most often when I do phone, it ends up going very badly, as I seem to always say something to set them off and they leave the phone angry with me. I am afraid to call & feel like I’m walking on broken glass when I talk to them.
    I realise we all live far apart, but last year was the first time in 15 years that all of my children & grandchildren spent Christmas with me and their step-father. Although everything went very well, I feel this was the one effort the 2 older girls made to come “home” for Christmas and it will never happen again. I have been told off, cruelly criticized, and chastised often for things I had no idea would offend them. I recently begged them to write me a letter telling me about all the hurts they feel I inflicted on them over the years. I told them I was prepared to hear it, accept whatever they felt I’d done as their true feelings and make an apology because I wanted things to be better between us all. My request was refused, yet nothing changes.
    I never, ever professed to be the perfect mother–is there really such a thing? Of course I made mistakes. What I did say was that my dream was always to be the perfect mother. There’s a big difference between the two. I never said I sacrified my whole life for them either, because I didn’t. I made sacrifices for them, yes, but isn’t that what parenting is all about?
    Anyway, I am at wits end now. I’m sick of trying to please them yet getting my head bashed against a brick wall at every turn. I feel I’ve been robbed of the opportunity to get to know my only 2 grandchildren and cheated out of the opportunity for them to get to know and love me. More & more frequently I find myself wanting to cut off all ties with them as I believe that’s what they want, and I can’t take the pain anymore.
    I’m sorry for the length of this post. But I am so relieved to have found a place where I can vent, others will understand how I feel, and I might find some help. Thanks for listening. G.

  99. A. September 19, 2011 at 12:13 pm #

    I SOOOO FEEL FOR D. I feel exsacly the same way.. My son..my beloved son..who was tied to me like a knot when he was young.. REFUSES TO have anything to do with me. I don’t understand it.. It hurts so bad.. I cry and cry..And I HATE it..cause there is nothing I can do. I’m a born again Christian.. and… that’s all I can do..give it to the Lord, but.. it come’s back to me..all the time.. It’s as if my son has died.. I feel exsacly the same as D.. wow.. I’m glad I found this forum. I don’t have the privilege of “counseling” in this little town I live in. It’s such a long story what happened, but.. My son seems to have chosen another mother, he’s deleted all my pictures on facebook even.. he’s 19 and just went to Collage, and when he comes home..it’s not with me.. It’s with some one else.. (Mother type).. I could take it if it were a wife or Girlfriend. I don’t know what happened to him.. it’s like these ppl ripped the soul out of my child. He’s not the same person anymore. I even looked up “signs of Ritual Abuse” just before I got on this forum.. I feel so helpless. I guess all I can do is just know there are others out there like me.. thanks for sharing. A.

  100. M. September 20, 2011 at 7:55 pm #

    I am not divorced, but married to a wonderful guy for almost 41 yrs. We have two adult children, ages 32 and 29. Throughout our marriage we have lived near my parents and two of my three brothers. All of us have shared Christmas and Thanksgiving together. My husband parents originally lived in NY but after my father in laws death 25 yrs. ago, my mother – in – law moved to Calif. where her daughter and family were living. My husband is Jewish and I am catholic and our children have been raised catholic. My mother-in-law always shared the holidays with her daughter and family or her sisters. My husband and myself have had 41 yrs together with my mom, two single brothers and my kids. We really had great holidays. 10 yrs ago, one of my brothers died which was devastating to us but we had my mom, my other brother and we all got through that holiday supporting each other. 4 yrs. later – my younger brother died suddenly. He was my mom’s caretaker. Three months later – mom died. It was such an awful time for all of us and our holidays were not the same, but we at least had our kids. three years ago-my son was married but has taken a job in Europe with his wife, who is European, and a new beautiful baby girl. We have been waiting so long for a grandchild and now we are grandparents on skype. My daughter is getting married in Nov. and my son, wife and baby are coming to stay for 10 days and then will attend the wedding, so they won’t be with us at christmas. My daughter is going to her new husband’s family in fL (who is Jewish) with a catholic father. We are heartbroken as we have no one we want to spend christmas with. I have one brother in NH -9 hrs away who we never spent xmas with and we have friends, but it hurts to be with them and their kids, so we are just going away for a couple of days. we can;t afford to go to fl with my daughter after having paid for their very lovely wedding! I found this to be rather mean. My daughter says her husband has never been with his family for the holidays, although they really don;t celebrate much and they have other family near them. She said he won;t be able to get off to travel to fl for 3 yrs. M.

    • Luise October 10, 2011 at 8:31 pm #

      M. I is very hard to face so much change, especially in a close-knit family but change is part of life. I think it’s time to start new traditions that don’t depend on others, so you can again create a rich personal life. You were a whole person before you had a family. Why not explore what options are open for you that move past family ties and offer you a way to expand instead of being at the effect of the “contracting” that is going on?

  101. B. September 23, 2011 at 2:15 pm #

    People sharing these most heartfelt intimate story’s, You HAVE to remember, “This is this is the INTERNET” I can relate to everyone on here in some way or form. However, from what I’ve experienced, YOU MUST BE EXREMELY CAREFUL posting your stories and thoughts in these forums. People (some forum admins. even) can take things out of context, think what they want to make out of it, and HUMILIATE you!!. It’s happened to me! It was just THEE most humiliating thing that’s ever happened to me on the internet. I’ve learned one big lesson… NEVER be that nieve and share your most personal, heartfelt, stories in forums. People are mean and wicked no matter how “Peaches and Cream” they may seem. Siber Bullying is very common these days. Go to a professional that’s paid to listen to you! And “Face to Face” conversations are very essential when you are sharing personal heartfelt information. I know I guess I just don’t know how to word things right on keyboard. But..I was very humiliated and taught a HUGE lesson. It was like standing up in an AA meeting and telling “your story” and the chairman standing up and saying, “you sit down and shut up, you are not allowed to speak in this room anymore”. This may not happen to you, however, be mindful, I would HATE to see anyone Hurt and humiliated as I was.B.

  102. L. September 28, 2011 at 1:06 pm #

    I am going through the same thing except even worse, It’s not the father of my 2 sons it’s my 2nd husband. My oldest son speaks and lives near me. My youngest son and daughter in law don’t want a relationship with me because I lied to them after my X told them I cheated on him. I’m not sure what else he told them. Of course no parent/ wants to tell their child they had an affair and left a miserable marriage. I moved far away and they are so mad I doubt they will ever speak to me. The hurt is as you described, unbelievably painful. I was in an open marriage with my 2nd husband. I spent years of him cheating, drinking, swinging, and being abused emotionally by this horrible man who walked out on his daughter when she was 2 and she was adopted by her stepdad. I guess I will go through the rest of my days happy with the man I’m with now. I am leading a normal life and not proud that I lived that immoral lifestyle. Of course I won’t tell my son that story because I see no need to behave viciously like my X. There’s really nothing you can do. I didn’t speak to my Father for 13 years then I had a wonderful relationship with him for a few years and he died suddenly and I was just beside myself I couldn’t put back those 13 years. He didn’t get to know his grandsons etc. My pain I live with every day even though I know my Father forgave me and loved me it just isn’t good enough when you lose them. I feel sorry for your children and mine because they don’t know that kind of pain and it will effect them somehow in some way. they have no idea what will happen to them in their future and they have a long road to travel with many experiences. The world is not a kind place. Stay in therapy (I am) and just be happy for the things you do have and make a life with your new man and take things a day at a time. L.

  103. Nameless Daughter September 30, 2011 at 9:33 am #

    I am your children. I do love you, but I may not trust you (for my own reasons and I am entitled to them). When you force yourself on me in any way, I am hurt and offended and it widens our rift. I will need you (more than I will allow you to know and in ways for which I have no words). Now that I have children of my own, I understand more and more of why you did the things you did…. and sometimes I cry because I didn’t want to understand. Thank you for giving me life. I know now (having my own children) what a sacrifice you made (whether or not I thought you did it “well”). In our estrangement, please know that I am ok and you will be too. Pray for me, remember me, grieve if you need to, and keep going… for the times that I may reach for you still.

  104. M. October 1, 2011 at 11:42 am #

    Hello,

    my daughter hates me too, and the reality is an abused child will hate their parent. Rather than deny your own complicity in this, accept it, and go into the abuse of your own childhood that you unwittingly passed on.

    Read Alice Miller, prisoner of childhood and her first three books. The answers are in there for your childrens behaviour. M.

  105. C. October 2, 2011 at 2:56 pm #

    I am having a huge issue also my daughter believes strongly I did something I did not do like get a key to her apt and not tell her which is so terribly wrong I have been raising my grandaughter basically 5 out of 7 days for almost 2 years she will not talk to me let me see my grandaughter whose birthday is is next week it is killing me so much everyone has told me not to talk e-mail text her etc let her come around I do not think she will I do not know what to do I have been there for her for everything but soon as she gets in a mood I am the one she blames what do i do try to contact her are let it be awhile longer it has been 2 weeks please please help. C.

    • Luise October 9, 2011 at 2:49 pm #

      Please consider coming over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where you will be able to interact in a community with others who are facing similar situations.

  106. B. October 2, 2011 at 6:05 pm #

    I am a counsellor and also a mother of a resentful and bitter son who, after my relationship with his father broke up came to me and told me I needed psychiatric help, I am a manipulator, attention-seeking, and he was on his father’s side and he would make peace with me on my deathbed. I was not allowed in his house, but I could take my grandchildren out. For many years I honoured his directive except I knew I didn’t need psych. help but received counselling help including learning to by myself and accept myself as I am. Good advice! He now allows and I mean allows me to visit occasionally, although he rarely contacts me, and that is 14 years along. We talk on general things, but I feel under close supervision by him and his wife, but I accept it is what it is and am hurt but get on with my own life. I deal with many clients with the same issues as me and feel I am helping them to accept things and learn to feel good about themselves and accept the hurt, but it is what it is! Good luck, B.

  107. Y, October 5, 2011 at 8:45 am #

    Hmmmmmmm? Both children won’t allow contact with grandmother and their children? I read letter but am not getting the full story. What is the mother’s part in this, such as; behavior? What has prompted the children to pull away? Is the mother controlling, manipulative, negative, pathological, self-serving? Hmmmmmmmm? Interested in the full story to fill in missing pieces. Y.

    • Luise October 9, 2011 at 2:38 pm #

      Y – There’s not much room here for full life stories. You are right, of course. There are always two side to each situation.

  108. G. October 6, 2011 at 4:57 pm #

    Hi D, I have had a similar experience and one of the things that I realized, is that I can not allow my selfish adult children to rule my feelings and rob my husband and I of our happy life together. After our children left, they began to draw away as they made their own lives and were influenced by their spouses to neglect us and give most or all of their time to their inlaws. I began to evaluate my life, and I realized that I had made my children idles. I have a loving husband who understands my feelings and loves me very much. I decided not to allow my adult children to affect the life my husband and I have together as we move into our retirement years. My children were my whole life as I attended to them day and night for many years, as a homemaker. Now that time is over and I must see to the happiness of my husband, if my grown children bring sadness to our life by their devilish behavior, manipulation and narcissism, then I have to remove myself from them and concentrate on the life my husband and I have together. My children have the ability to destroy the relationship between myself and my husband if they keep me in a state of turmoil. So my decision is to give myself to my husband in our last years together, if the children come back with the proper respect and attitude, then they will be allowed back, but never in their selfish condition. D, if I were you I would focus on my husband and others who do not treat you like dirt. We can live a life without children and grandchildren and actually be happy. We did it before the children came, we can do it again. Rediscover your husband and concentrate on his happiness and companionship. G.

    • S. December 8, 2011 at 5:54 pm #

      This is so true…and hard to do. S.

    • C. January 29, 2012 at 6:30 pm #

      Thank-you, I am in the same situationa and needed to hear this too. C.

  109. W. October 9, 2011 at 7:25 pm #

    THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP:
    “Keep busy and remember that you were a whole person before children and you can be whole again.” V.
    “We as mothers of MONSTERS have to let go and not buy or beg for love.” A.
    “I live with my elderly mother. I have to think of her. Jesus is watching over us , He knows our suffering, He is in control. I surrender.” A.
    “I pay his car his insurance and sometimes i pay for his gas or lend him money to go out, and he still treats me like crap.” P.
    “YOU can do anything you want to do now!..Go Live your life.” R.
    “I can no longer pay for everything… I have been emotionally vulnerable and stressed.” D.
    “I strongly suggest the rest of you, do something for yourselves. … we done our part. MOMS start living. you only get one life. …What goes around comes around. …It’s our time now to devote to what WE want to do finally. Let the good times begin! We certainly will have a lot more money now to spend on ourselves and not them any more!” M.
    “Wow! I had no idea so many mothers had selfish bratty daughters… Now my daughter who I loved more than anything is becoming just as selfish and mean…I can’t understand it. I would never in a million years have thought this would happen. I truly thought if you loved your child they would naturally love you back and everything would be great.” A.
    “I have given up my life to help…” M.
    “Everything is all take and no give.” A.
    “I am tired of being rejected, and treated like dirt.” D.
    “she repeats a history that I don’t recognize.” E.
    “Because their father did not respect me, is that why they do not respect me today?… It seems that if I don’t do for them and give them things they don’t want me in their life.” J.
    “the mother won’t set boundaries.” P.
    THANKS TO YOU ALL FOR VERBALIZING MY THOUGHTS. I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME.

    BUT, I WILL STOP READING HERE:
    “I’m a 28 year old daughter that can’t stand her mother and I am considering cutting her out of my life forever.”J.

    My daughter will be 28 this month. I think she’s running away again; she’s disappeared this weekend. (I wouldn’t know if she’s abducted or murdered, she doesn’t tell me when she leaves town. I would call that common decency. She’s calls it an invasion of her privacy.)

    I’ve worked for 40 years. I never had the stay at home option since my husband didn’t want to work. So, she didn’t get to participate in a lot of after school activities, because I couldn’t get away from work. But, I fed and clothed her. And, bought her everything that I could. I was going to leave when she was 18. But, I delayed too long. At 19, she ran away for 1 1/5 years. (I could barely function, but I contined to work.) Then, came back. Started college. Quit college. Worked some. Quit work. Started back to college. (I’m fully paying for everything.)

    Now at 28, she’s continuing to run the cell phone bills up and up and up. I had to quit at $500. (She talks to her girlfirend in another state to the tune of 1500-2000 minutes a month plus 400-500 text messages.)Obviously, I should have done this earlier. I cannot explain to her that I cannot afford this as I approach retirement. Now she’s not speaking to me or my husband and has run off. (She did keep my car and credit card however. But, she left her dog – a pit bull, with my 89 yr old mother.)

    I love her, but don’t know whether I should hope that I see her again before I die or not. The pain is too much. She was so sweet when she was little. But, when she turned 12-13 and we sent her to a private Christian school (at her request),things began to change. (My family is public school teachers and that is what I would have preferred.)

    One positive note, is that these things do bring me closer to my husband. He’s the only one who knows how hard I’ve worked (alone) to support us and how terrible the pain is when she acts like this.

    But, J if there is anything left of my IRA and 401K after I die I will leave it to her. She will have to answer for her actions, as I am prepared to stand before Jesus and answer for mine. G.

    • Luise October 10, 2011 at 8:17 pm #

      G. I wonder abut the use of the phrase “run off.” She is almost 30 years old. And of course no one can foresee the future regarding whether she will turn up again. I would close out the credit card, repossess the car and get on with my life. You did your best and you deserve a lot better. I think it’s time you gave it to yourself.

  110. R.. October 11, 2011 at 10:48 am #

    Am happy to have found this website.. I felt that I’m the only mom who is terribly mistreated by her adult kids…and thereby limited in seeing much of the grandkids.

    I have my own story which will be told at another time…but I do so sympathize with any mother who is not appreciated..no matter what she’s said or done… She did the natural things of caring for her young… out of love… and not that at some future date there will be “pay back time ” This the kids do not understand or realize. Wonder how they fail to now that they are parents themselves.R.

  111. C. October 15, 2011 at 1:10 am #

    I want to thank all those who wrote and Luise for this website where I found a little comfort in knowing that I am not alone in my feelings. I have 2 daughters 34 and 29 and its been 16 yrs since the oldest withdrew from my life and now the youngest has done the same. The reason is because I’m too negative and dramatic and she needs to be happier due to a breakup with her boyfriend. She claims that she doesn’t need a mother anymore and I did too good of a job raising them to be independant. I am guilty because I knew they would have lives apart from me, but it has broken my heart that I am not good enough for even some of their time and they are strong enough to stand on their own as I am, but I’m not happy that we can’t lean on one another as we are doing here, because so many people are mean and not to be trusted. I wish we could find a better balance and I wish that I did not have to rediscover how to live on my own, when being part of a good relationship is so enjoyable. But, I have not found a good relationship in 16 yrs since I was tossed aside for a younger model and I have lost so much hope in so many things that I wonder if I will ever find happiness again. For me, I feel like I have failed since I had love and lost it and the only thing that I cling to that I used to say to my girls is that you can’t give up on people until you have met everyone there is to meet in the world. I hope I can continue focusing on the things that I have to be grateful for and that one day I can at least go back to feeling that I could have done without the pain, but not the dance. Like a light switch I turn my emotions on and I turn them off, but I wish there was a solution, because losing a child is the cruelest of sad. Good luck and a hug to every Mom for the love we gave and the price we paid for stand up and trying to be loving human beings!C.

    • Luise October 15, 2011 at 10:53 am #

      S. – Please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where you will be able to be part of a community, many of whom are dealing what you are. We may have to face it but we don’t have to do it alone. Blessings, Luise

  112. S October 18, 2011 at 1:28 am #

    I’ve read a good number of these posts and there is a similar element in all of them. The children are all to blame and you did nothing wrong. I’m sure some of these stories are true but a lot are edited to make you seem like you had no responsibility in the matter.

    I’m 24 and my mother was incredibly abusive physically and verbally. When my parents divorced when I was 7, I hadn’t seen her again until I was 21. We hung out all of the time for two weeks and she resumed the abusive behavior once more while I was an adult. Seeing her again triggered the terrible memories from when I was a kid, and it simply hurts to talk or even think about her. I have not talked with her since.

    For some of the mothers here, I would believe that your children are indeed that inconsiderate. But for most, there is a reason why they won’t talk to you. Seeing or thinking about you brings up pain that they are unable to deal with. My therapist even told me that she thinks that I should cease contact with my mother.

    This is life. Some people have great families and some don’t. Parenting is incredibly difficult and there are too many variables that determine your child’s personality and feelings toward you. If you find the right counselor, this could help significantly.S.

  113. K. October 20, 2011 at 6:22 am #

    When I see a mother of adult children complaining how badly those adult children treat her or even a total lack of a relationship, I have to ask, what is the real story? My own mother is a narcissist, is a mean spirited controlling and manipulative person who loves to pretent SHE’S the victim. She loves to belittle and antoganize and talk behind your back, then pretends she’s the victim when people get angry with her. She will never admit to what she did hurt anyone and oh just can’t see why everyone treats her so badly. She has played her deceitful manipulative and controlling games for decades. Everyone in the family for many years knuckled under to her demands.
    Now that everyone is grown and out of her house, they want as little as possible to do with her and myself, I have no contact with her what so ever. She tells my brothers, none of whom ever married that she is EMBARRASSED that she has no grandchildren. Since I am the only one who ever married, the implication is that this is MY FAULT, as usual. My father is her spineless enabler, he just repeats whatever mean spirited garbage she comes up with and participates in her manipulative and controlling games. So while I am sure there may be cases of mothers of adult children whose adult children want nothing to do with them because of issues in their own lives, such an adult of grown children needs to HONESTLY examine thier own behavior might well be a big part of the dysfunctional relationship or lack there of. K.

  114. L. October 22, 2011 at 3:09 pm #

    Hi, I’ve read many of these stories. Wow. Okay, we had something similar happen in my family, and happily, it’s all fixed. Let me explain.

    It NEVER NEVER helps to hide medical histories from family. It always backfires. My Dad’s mom, my Mom’s Uncle, My Mom herself and a few other relatives all suffered from depression. I went on to suffer from depression. This kind of inherited depression is caused from a brain chemistry issue. Would you be ashamed of your diabetes? No? You’d get help, and you’d tell all your family, right? So, let that be your guide.

    Two really depressed people in the same household often clash. On TV, depressed people are just sad and kind of weepy. IRL, depressed people can act out, make bad choices, and just generally live their lives as if everything is about them. I did it. So did mom.

    I got help, and have been fine on meds for years now. I credit my psychiatrist with making so much possible for me that wasn’t possible for mom–things like a happy marriage and family, a career, etc etc. The drugs that help me hadn’t been invented yet, and that’s not mom’s fault.

    When I was young, mom parented by the seat of her pants. She did her best, and I was always clean, and was always fed. However, there were days and days when she didn’t speak to me. It wasn’t because she was mad at me–she was busy wiping and ironing and washing and doing all the things she was suppposed to do.

    So if this sounds like you, for goodness sake, go get help and then write your children, ask their understanding, not forgiveness. You don’t need to ask for forgiveness. If they can’t be adult enough to understand that it’s not your fault you had an untreated psych condition, then they are indeed awful children.

    It’s just that so much of this sounds like my mom. “I always kept them well fed and clean. They accuse me of things and I just don’t remember it that way. They had activities so they couldn’t have raised their younger siblings as they claim. I had hard times, and did my best. I lost/was divorced by/didn’t have a good partner in their Dad. I was so sick/am sick/have serious health problems.”

    Go and find a good psychiatrist. Get yourself tested. You might need meds, do not be embarrassed. Be proud of taking charge and taking care of yourself. Tell all your children without expecting a response. Do the right thing and good things will come back to you.

    I hope this can help someone get their family back. L.

  115. C. October 23, 2011 at 4:38 am #

    I’m crying for all of you. I’m in the same boat.
    It’s truly heartbreakng to find our children don’t really care about us. I have two, a daughter and a son. I came from a verbally abusive home and I vowed
    I would never treat my children like that. I over compensated by being afraid to really discipline them.
    My husband is a wonderful man. My daughter and I have had a hard relationship because my first husband
    is her father and he ran me down every chance he got to my daughter. I thought I was a good mother but I
    guess my son and my daughter always put me down and say such mean things. They are both married and their
    mother in laws don’t treat them well at all.
    But both my children love their mother in laws. But I’m the rotten parent. I’ve spent money on both my children and gave them love. But I see now that I’m just good for money and not mch else. My daughter in law treats us horrible espeiclaly me always turning my son against his dad and I. There are days just and cry and wonder what I did that was so wrong.
    I’m not a perfect parent but I tried to love them and show how much I do and care about them but I’m the one who always seems to get punished no matter what I do. There are days I’d like to just forget them and me and my husband just go our way and be happy.
    But we have 5 beautiful grandchilren and I just can’t.
    Oh we get punished and my children take away our grandhchildren if we do anything that upsets them.
    How can you raise two children who never respect you or love you and you have tried to give them everything? My husband says we should start to treat them like their inlaws they seem to like to be treated like crap and we should do the same maybe then we might get their respect and love.
    I just don’t understand any of it. We live with my son, daughter in law and two grandchildren daughter in law is from hell. She always talks behind our back to our son and then he starts talking so disrespectful to me I’m always crying in my room.
    I’m helping them for my two grandchildren they were living with their inlaws but their house is so filthy my son tells me but I know they don’t respect a clean house because they don’t care about mine or my belongings. I’m so tired of this treatment.
    My daughter ignores me like I really don’t exist.
    I just want to run away from it all. They show my
    husband some respect but me none.
    I didn’t want to be like my own mom but it seems like my children hate me for just being here. Where did
    I fail. I’m tired of them taking my money and I’m treated less than a human.
    I love them so much but I can’t take this treatment any longer.
    Thank you for allowing me to share. C.

    • Luise October 27, 2011 at 7:11 pm #

      C. – You didn’t fail. Your children are making choices because they are of age and that is their option. It doens’t mean they are right. As long as you will take anything and everything that they dish out to be able to have access to your grandchildren, nothing is probably going to change. And your grandchildren are going to see how you are being abused and how you don’t evidence the self-respect to call a halt to it. Is that what you want to teach them? Please consider coming over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com . It is a community of women who care and share and many of them are very familiar with what you’re up against.. Blessings, Luise

  116. C. October 23, 2011 at 4:55 am #

    For the children on here who want to blame their parents. My husband and I have truly loved our children and gave them love and never ever said an
    unkind word to them. We both came from bad homes and we were very sensative with our chiildren and their feelings. Most parents really try and then their grown children just use their parents and treat them
    so mean. No we are not perfect but our children know we love them. You should see the way the talk about their mother in laws but yet they love and respect them. They should be treating them the way they treat us. We are just used and abused.
    For what trying to be good loving parents and grandparents.
    My heart just cries for all of us.
    I never treated my mom disrespectful and she treated
    me terrible. I never used her for money either.
    My husband and I deserve better than this and I think
    we all do. God Bless! C.

  117. G. October 25, 2011 at 3:27 pm #

    Not all kids are little ingrateful heartless people. Your kids will not hate you for no reason you must have done something. I have not talked to my mon in 3 years and they have been the happiest years of my life.

    Even if you think your being a good parent and always listend to what you kid had to say and respected them you would me wrong. the tiny thing is all it takes it could be anything. maybe your just to nosy. Your kids probly do love you but they cant deal with you anymore i used to love my mom she was my best friend. icould talk to her about anything.

    but people drift apart they really do the best thing for you to do is drop contact. If they really dont love this will be a dream come true and if they do sooner or later there come back even if its a quick phone call but dont say you are good parents that did not do anything wrong becuz u obviosly did. G.

  118. L. October 25, 2011 at 8:40 pm #

    When I had my son 26 years ago I prayed to God that I would be a good mom, but now 26 years later I question that prayer. I gave my son everything and we sent so much time together. He would always tell me that I was the greatest mom in the world. But then came the new girlfriend so she told him to choose between her or I and so he chose her. One day he told me that he was leaving and to him I was dead and that I would never see him or my grandchildren. He also told me he would talk bad about me to them. It has been a year and I still have not seen him and it is the worst pain you can ever feel. I have been through a lot in my life and got through it, but I just don’t know if I can ever get over this pain. L.

  119. M. October 28, 2011 at 4:33 am #

    The problem is abusive parents never acknowledge what they do and pretend it never happens. All your kids don’t grow up hating their parents for no reason. You seem to have a victim mentality and take no responsibility or admit to any faults of your own. M.

    • Luise October 29, 2011 at 6:38 pm #

      M. Oh, if it were that simple. However, many abused kids grow up to respect and love their parents and just a many loved kids grow up to hate theirs. There are a lot of other factors in most instances.

      • H December 11, 2011 at 9:57 pm #

        Luise…what you posted hit home…i was abused and while my mother died at a young age.. she was 41 and I was 20.. and we never really rectified our issues. I did love and respect her. I miss her to this day and wish cancer hadnt taken her. I remember asking her once why she did the things she did to me and she gave a blank look and said she didnt know what I was talking about. Denial is a powerful drug for the weak. the sad thing is I do know she loved me very much but couldnt handle her issues….the depression, alcholism etc…she was just a very unhappy person who took it out on me. Ive done the same to my 22 year old daughter….she left 2 months ago and I grieve for her. But I think Im grieving because of the guilt i feel of my treatment for her…I just wait for her to one day forgive me so we can have the relationship we should have had… I.

  120. M. October 31, 2011 at 5:34 pm #

    I stopped speaking to my mother almost a year ago… i got sick of her promising my children things and then lying to them, then favouring one against the other… she did this with me and my 2 brothers as well i am her oldest and only daughter… she continuelly put me down, critize me and always held my brothers up on a higher ground…yet they never did anything for her i was the one that always helped her out and was there for her… she recently emailed me … i ignored it… all she was trying to do was buy me back.. as this worked with my brothers.. where in all fact an applogy for everything shes ever done would help.. she neveer things shes in the wrong.. and ive had enough of her lies and decet… maybe if u try appologising to your children for the things that have hurt them u might be able to fix ur relationship……. M.

  121. L. November 3, 2011 at 2:22 pm #

    I have a horrible relationship with my mother, we are not on speaking terms and have not been for over a year now. I will happily go on with my life without ever talking to her again, which many of you may seem as cruel or unfair, because she did give me life. Children are a products of their homes, for better or worse, for being bright and wonderful or selfish and manipulative, you created your children along with anyone else who had a significant role. What you need to realize is, NOBODY ‘hates’ anyone for no reason atall. There was something that you did, something had to have happened to turn you so against them. Now by the time they’re older and capable of dealing with things on their own it would be unresonable to put all of the blame on the parents, because it is a two way street, but I think one of the only real ways you can ever fix it is to UNDERSTAND why they feel the way they do. Instead of the innocent card, really dig into what leads them towards hating their own flesh and blood. Either try and have a serious and mature conversation in which they clarify their feelings and the reason behind their feelings or try and analyze it for yourself. But unless you really know how can you ever fix it?

    I am so sorry for the heartache each and every single one of you are feeling, I truly hope it gets better and your hearts heal. I hope your children come back to you and for those of you that have grandchildren them as well. It sounds ridiculous, but try and stay positive, try and hold your head high. You are loved and appreciated by someone. You are worthy of a good life, no matter what. Even with the mistakes made, you are not horrible human beings. Hang in there. L.

  122. R.. November 3, 2011 at 4:20 pm #

    Lets cut the carp and discuss the reason your kids don’t want anything to do with you. Lets face it, you treated them badly growing up didn’t you? Yeah, you fed them and raised them, but more important than food or money is showing love and respect. In their minds they remember all the physical/mental/verbal abuse the received and don’t want their children getting the same from grandma/grandpa. I remember how horrible my father was, I vowed never to be like him. The mind plays tricks and sometimes I see him in my behavior and it scares me. But he was mild compared to what you probably did to them if they actually took the time to go to court and file restraining orders. The first step to healing is admit what you did, admit you were wrong, then go say you’re sorry. And leave it at that. Let them get on with their lives. You screwed it up once, don’t do it again. R.

    • C. January 20, 2012 at 1:41 pm #

      So true- when your kids are getting a restraining order against you thats a sign that you have messed up- they arent picking on you-some mothers are just closet narcissists,if you teach your children that love is more important than money you cant guilt trip your kids by saying , I paid and fed you at my expense- it doesnt work…..C.

      • L. January 24, 2012 at 8:41 pm #

        Just because a child gets a restraining order doesn’t mean you did something bad either. I know of a child who was raised with a silver spoon in her mouth and treated with kid gloves. When she married her husband told her to cut the ties with her mother and she did. The “So called” father she had who never lifted a finger to raise her and his controlling girlfriend sealed the deal by convincing her she no longer needed her mother and continue to give her money every month to ensure she doesn’t talk to her mother. Meantime she gets divorced from the husband and has now moved in with her father and his girlfriend. Blames her mother for what??? A new car, a college education, all expenses paid to Europe or how about the everyday “I love you’s and hugs her mother gave her”? No, there are influences on other lives that rip the children right out of the arms that once rocked them to sleep. You may have an opinion but there is never a blanket statement for parents, some parents were just wonderful people to their kids and are paying the price for it. L.

  123. C. November 5, 2011 at 8:24 am #

    I feel so lost and alone. I feel the entire world is against me and I have no clue as to why.

    The following story is the “very” short version of my life over the past 11 years. If I were to write a book about my life, I doubt anyone would believe it were true and instead would feel I had just embellished it.

    In the last 11 yrs, I have dealt with two custody battles, finding out my husband had molested my oldest daughter and then the immediate divorce, the complete loss of my financial security, finding out my ex-husband’s father had molested my other two children for years, watching the judicial system completely fail my children by giving their molester nothing but probation and then being falsely arrested and beaten by the police (the judge apologized and told me to sue them) regarding a story my ex-husband fabricated during the bitter custody battle. Then at the age of 18, my second daughter moved in with her 6th grade teacher and completely cut me and her sisters out of her life while maintaining that the “teacher and husband” are now her mother and father because my daughter wanted a nuclear family where incest never existed. She has lied and connived and manipulated the teacher, teacher’s family and her own therapist (who refused to speak to me since my daughter was 18) in order to obtain her new fantasy family/life. She has some major psychological issues due to the years of abuse but none of the adults currently in her life are encouraging her to deal with any of those issues. My daughter just completely deleted her old life and invented a new one and all of the adults surrounding her seem to be encouraging/enabling it all. My mother also enables my daughter for fear she will emotionally cut her out of her life as well. Feeling repeatedly betrayed by my own mother, I no longer have a relationship with my mother.

    Having barely survived all of that, the absolute worst then happened….my beautiful 28 yr old daughter (and best friend) died due to suspicious circumstances. The investigation into her death was a complete “joke”. I then had to deal with the media “circus” while trying to grieve the loss of my child. Now there is a pending wrongful death lawsuit against a very wealthy and powerful man. I am quite certain the lawsuit will drag on for years.

    I have had to experience more stress, devastation and loss than any person should ever have to live through. I am no longer living and instead I am only surviving. I don’t know how much more I can take and I refuse to see a counselor due to horrific past experiences with numerous counselors (especially my daughter’s, who was so easily manipulated by an 18 yr old abuse victim) over the last 11 years. Due to my past experiences, I have come to learn that many therapists are past victims themselves. They failed to deal with their own problems and instead feel that fixing others will somehow fix themselves. They are nothing but “wounded healers” and I no longer have faith in therapists. I refuse to invest anymore time/money trying to sift through the incompetent ones.

    I have pretty much isolated myself from the world (I do have one wonderful/supportive friend who has known me/my family since childhood) in fear of getting hurt again. I cannot take anymore pain or suffering. I am now sad, bitter and very angry basically at the entire world. I have become very negative and even if I allowed myself to interact with others, no one would want me around with my current attitude.

    I am in a very dark place and I don’t know how to crawl out. Over the years, everyone in my life told me how strong I am. I am TIRED of being strong and I just can’t keep it together anymore.

    Please help. C.

    • Luise November 18, 2011 at 12:10 pm #

      C. – You deserve so much better. You know that and so do I. The glimmer I see in your post is the wonderful friend you have. That friend whether male or female apparently wants to be around you no matter what your current attitude it. The most defeating thing that happens when so much adversity is piled on one person is the past and present get entangled. By that I mean that none of those things are happening right now. They are in your past. You carry them to the present for whatever reasons you have. They ae true and they are unfair and unjust. They are cruel and vicious. They have taken away what matters most and they have left you alone with well-founded bitterness and loss. Do you see that everything I have said is about the past? Mulling it over hurts you but that’s what you are doing. After being so deeply hurt by others…you are carrying on that reality and hurting yourself by reliving it. Why? To be right? There’s no question that you are. Do you feel that by letting yourself forget it even for a moment, you condone it? Possibly. If you healed and found joy again would they all have gotten away with something? If you really want to let go of the horror, bring yourself into the now. Do it more and more until you again live in the now…not in the then. It will take work because you have become your tragedy…your series of tragedies. You have a choice…you can be right or be happy. You wrote to me because you want happiness. Focus first on small things…the taste of something good…the sound of your friend’s laugh. You cant do that and also be in self-pity. The only way self-pity no matter how well founded can trap and claim you is if you are not aware of what else you have that is of value. When you retrain yourself to live in the now it will expand more and more until you are free. Don’t let any of those who persecuted you keep doing it because you choose to live in the past. Stop them with your own power.

    • A. January 30, 2012 at 2:32 pm #

      I was touched to hear all you have gone through, I have gone through some pretty serious things in my life too, not as recent as yours, but still causing me to have had problem inmy life. I was given up for adoption when I was 18 monts. old. My adopted family divorced when I was about four. While my mother was at work on day, my father came and picked me up and never brought me back. He kidnapped me. He took me to some relatives who lived in the woods and there I stayed for a few years, then he remarried and came and got me. I went to live with him, his new wife and her 3 children. In the end I became soo close to his wife and her children. One day my adopted mother finds out where I am and then a couple of years of hell started. Finally my father ran our of money and I was given to her and her new husbband who also had 3 children. They cried at night for their mother as I did for my recent family. I was 9. My adopted mother loved me, I guess, but she if I forgot and called my father Daddy, she would slap or whip me. Screaming he is not your father. So I learned to keep my mouth shut. She was emotionally unstable. I married early, mainly to get a home of my own. I was 15. I slowly discovered I had lost memory of about 6 yers of my life. I had never paid any attention to this because I just thought it was normal. My husband discovered I was not a virgin on our wedding night although I had never had sex. I was so innocent and had no idea what sex even was. There was talk of my being sexually molested. But know one knew for sure. 16 years later we got divorced, about 8 years after our divorce, I was raped by someone I gave a ride home. That was horrible trying to recover after that. To make a long story short, I finally got assistance from a Psychologist (I found psychiatrist to be too cold and uncaring.) Finally someone who could help[ me. He was a blessing in my life. I have never recovered my memory of those years, but as he told me, I don’t have to remember. I remember when he told me this how I suddenly felt this great weight roll off my shoulders.

      My life has gone on, I eventually got involved in helping others through volunteering and by helping training people in the skills needed to find jobs.

      I felt like you during the darkest period of my life, but eventually I rediscovered my faith in God, and this has really helped me.

      My advice to you is to talk to people on the internet or in your community, (my physician recommended my psychologist). So find someone who is recommended and go see him. You need to get help and you will find a psychologist so much more caring. Also, you need to get out of your house and I would suggest volunteering and would recommend you visit around until you find a church you feel comfortable in. Reaching out to help others and getting contacts at your church will allow you to reconnect with yourself. There is nothing more healing then helping others. So many people have broken hearts and souls and so many need kindness and loving. And you have much to give. What you give you will get back a thousand fold. You will find comfort from God when you reach out to him and the members of your chosen church will become your friends and your support system.

      I will keep you in my prayers and hope you find, by reaching out, the inner strength to get through this horrible time. A.

  124. C. November 9, 2011 at 4:09 pm #

    WoW – thanks for having this sight. I could almost put my name underneath some of those posts. It feels like we’re all experiencing the same nasty hurt.

    I’m so drained, trying to call, text, and email my son. I think I’m finally realizing that it isn’t because he doesn’t know all the facts, he just doesn’t care. I guess some people are just very self-centered and they don’t care or want to know about how other people feel.

    It almost kiled me, when I realized my son blocked me from his phone when I tried yesterday.

    I have to figure out how to build a cold heart against him, so that the pain goes away. I learned how to do this when I was young, and was very good at keeping toxic people out of my life. It is just really hard, when it’s your son (or daugther).

    I hope you all (and me) find peace soon . . . C.

    • Luise November 11, 2011 at 10:45 pm #

      C. Come on over to the Web-forum I established for women who are having issues with adult children and extended families. It’ s a community of loving people who listen and understand. They share and they care and many heal within in the process. We’re at: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com

  125. C, November 9, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

    To M – I would have never in a million years thought that my son would be this way. I admit I wasn’t and am not perfect. But, the hatred didn’t come, until after I decided to let him grow up, and stopped giving him cars and money, etc… The last 3 years were progressively painful, with disrespect.

    When I looked in my checkbook, I noticed that in 2009 I gave him $2,400. I 2010 it was $1,400. This year, it was only almost $400 and a 1st class trip for him, his girlfriend, his father, his cousin and her boyfriend to our Timeshare in Florida. All they had to do was pay for their entertainment. I kept getting calls from my son’s girlfriend about how expensive everything was, so I think that she was hinting to me to pay for their amusement park passes? I’ve been basically cut out of their lives (all of them). Coincidence? C.

    • Luise November 11, 2011 at 10:40 pm #

      C. – Time for them to grow up or past time. And of course they aren’t going to like it. Good for you for taking a stand.

    • R. January 24, 2012 at 1:49 am #

      Yes, been there done that. Funny that when the money dries up, so does the contact. It is hard to accept, but some of us raised very self centred kids. We gave them way too much, probably because we had had so little ourselves. R.

  126. River November 11, 2011 at 12:20 am #

    It terribly saddens me to hear your stories. I am a son and have a mother who i now realize i take for granted. I know this wont fix things but if its any consolation you have all opened my eyes to how lucky i am to have the mother i do. Thank you, R. 🙂

    • Luise November 11, 2011 at 10:31 pm #

      R. – And let me say this…your mother is darn awful lucky to have a son like you!!! You’re a wnner!

  127. C. November 11, 2011 at 8:19 pm #

    “The day before I moved, my oldest daughter answered my phone call. She was angry for so long because her and her husband were living with us and things were not going well, so my husband asked them to find another place to live.”

    My mother did this to me. I will NEVER forgive her. You think have no idea what a rejection this feels like. You can’t ask your child to move out like the are a lodger. I did nothing to deserve it. Even if your daughter did, the way you think it is nothing tells me a great deal about you. C.

    • Luise November 11, 2011 at 10:25 pm #

      C – Yup…adult children are no longer children. The parent’s job is done and AC are responsible for their own lives and livelihood. The longer they put that off, the more their growth and delvelopment is damaged.

  128. L. November 14, 2011 at 1:38 pm #

    Wow – a narcissist speaks! Yes, it’s all about her – her pain, her desire to see her grandchildren, her sacrifices for her children. Classic. L.

    • A. December 2, 2011 at 10:08 pm #

      I thought the same exact thing! I am also the daughter of a narcissist and knew it right off the bat! A.

  129. W. November 15, 2011 at 2:10 pm #

    No one thinks this is odd that this person has no reason why her three children won’t speak to her? Thats three different individuals. I mean two are getting a restraining order? Why?
    This seems really vague to me. W.

  130. J. November 18, 2011 at 12:26 pm #

    Unless the children cutting off contact are mentally ill I find no good reason to reject a loving mother unless of course there is only one side of the story being heard. I believe my mother is Borderline and she tells my brother only her version of events and leaves out the cold mean behavior from her. Im sure their is a good reason behind them cutting the mothers out of their lives. J.

  131. K. November 19, 2011 at 9:11 pm #

    Mmmm I am on the receiving end of a nasty,manipulate, controlling mother who has been anything but a loving Mother. I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl – but what is the point. She is what she is and won’t change. She told me that she doesn’t care enough about me to want to know anything about me. Yet I persist to stay in her and my father life. I put up with the nasty comments, the put downs, the pursed lipped looks, and I ignore the foul comments she says about me to my brother because she is my Mother.

    But I bet you she is telling the world and if she was computer competent she would be writing foul emails as those on this site about what a nasty, ingrate I am.

    The point is there are two sides to every story. I feel saddened and hurt at her behaviour, and I can bet she feels that same from her end. Maybe all you supposedly badly treated Mothers should really take a good look at your motherly skills, the way to have dealt with the daughters you have – your behaviour and what and where you have gone afoul and start saying sorry. And maybe that might just be the beginning of repairing your relationship with your children. Let’s face it, no matter how old you are you are the Mother in this relationship. Not the child. K.

    • R. February 4, 2012 at 9:02 pm #

      I think it’s important to remember that the adult children are not the ‘children’ in the relationship either. Most young adults move to a relationship of friendship with their parents, where they are equals and can agree to disagree on some, or many, things without losing the love between them. Some young adults seem unable to move from being the pampered child to being a responsible adult. Who do they blame? The parents of course. Of course parents often disapprove of their adult children’s choices, and often they express that disapproval – it’s called caring.R.

  132. L. November 21, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

    I have been going through the same thing with my children. They are 37. 34.30, and 28, and between them all I have 9 grandchildren. I have seen them a few times over the past 5 or 6 years, but this is the longest stretch. I haven’t seen them in nearly a year, nor have I heard from them regularly. Only one son has called me sporadically, and the rest just don’t call at all. I have had a triple whammy attack in since 2006, when I lost my career to a permanent disability, my husband left me, and I lost my home, essentially becoming homeless because at the time, my parents also would not take me in. The issue with my parents is really my mother, who is extremely emotionally and mentally ill, and pushes me away with hateful and vengeful words and actions.

    At this time when all I had left were my children, they completely turned against me. They never called to say hi mom, how are you or how is the disease affecting you or is there anything I can do or even just to say I love you and care about you would have been enough to make life worth living. As it was, in the end, I lost everything, children and grandchildren included. My mother finally gave in and let me live with her as my children wanted nothing to do with me or my illness.

    I went through heartache, tears, feelings of rejection, feelings of self blame and self hate. I even tried suicide, as I was in constant physical pain as well, and there was no one who loved me, or so it felt. What made it all so much worse was that I could not imagine why they were acting the way they were. I thought we were close, and I thought we understood each other.

    I have stopped caring about whether they call or whether or not I see them. They have caused a lot of pain in my life and I have come to realize that if I continued to long for them and miss them or to allow them to play with my emotions in any way that I was guaranteeing myself a world of hurt. It was better if I started thinking as if I had no children at all.

    The greatest loss I feel is that I can no longer play with my grandkids and help in raising them to become bright young girls and boys. I am angry with my children for taking them out of my life both for my sake and for the sake of my grandchildren. My grandchildren loved me!!

    From here on out, I will not speak to my chlidren, will not speak as if I have children. They don’t deserve me. They have not honored my place as their mother, they have disrespected me and have done me wrong. I don’t even want to see them now. I wouldn’t know how to speak to them after what they have done. It has been going on for five or six years now. I am going to make a life for myself on my own, and do the things I yearn to do on my own, as a single disabled woman with no ties. I am forced to do these things out of love for myself. I must put a stop to the hurt, for in the end, it was myself and my own feelings that caused the hurt, so only me, myself, can be the one to stop the hurting by taking this step. A big step, to be certain, but a positive step towards a happy future for myself. Good luck. L.

  133. I. November 26, 2011 at 2:41 pm #

    What your doin is the same as my parents you think your doing everything right but your not you drive everyone out of your own life i suprized my parents havent figured it out either
    just to let u know im fourteen and iv went throw a wole bnch of junk especialy becase i have a twin sister who thinks she the best and my parents allways pay more attention to her and ignore me maybe you did that to but maybe you payed more attention to your job or somthing else and your kids always fill left out or you payed to much attention and had then i troble for everything so they lerned too hate you and i sure as heck i lerned real quick to hate every one untill thay prove them selfs to me and no im not an emo kid i look like a normal happy kid, but thats just me. look happy so no one think my life is a awful and just to let you know you might not even be doing anything wrong you kids might just be messed up in the head so this email address is not real or it not mine anyway i just wanted to share sorry if i sound like a little brat but if i do sorry I.

  134. Y. November 27, 2011 at 10:22 am #

    I would like to answer your question how your child could hate you after you loved them so much? I don’t know what your circumstance is, or how you raised your children, and while I’m not going to bring those into question, I’m simply telling you what happened with my family. When I grew up my parents put ALOT of stress on grades and for a short period of time, they seemed like they honestly could care less about me as a person, most the parents on here are just going to say that’s “teenage hormones” or “teen drama” but even if it is during those years of their life they need to mature, and thus they can’t have their mother watching you all the time. My major problem with my parents was trust, I could not trust them with anything. This was originally brought up the first time a got a bad grade in high school, now parents who are reading this, when your child gets this horrible grade in a class, how do you respond? You scream at us, you yell, you take things away. Now that last part is most important. Children, and teens especially, need to have something that is thiers, not something that they can have but you can take away if you get mad, with me I had a girlfriend that lived far away and went to a different school, but we had been dating for well over a year and I loved her dearly. But sence I could nit see her often I needed a cell phone to keep in touch, simple as that. One day my grade agent down from a A to a C because I failed a test. My mother took extremes and flipped out, she ripped all the cords out of the computers, she broke my iPod, and finally She took my phone. Now I got my grade back up, right? But then she simply could not take that as a solution. So she went online and made my phone shut off at 10pm. Now this seems reasonable to parents, but to kids it is not. That phone was my only way of communicating to her, and I have sports till nearly 10 every night. (there was no landline, she unplugged that too) one night while I was “cut off” my girlfriend was in a car accident. She was not hurt, but not only did I not find out till the next day that the car accident even happen, I was not there for her and she left me. The second this was over I screamed at my parents, I fought with them for months, I ran away from home almost every night, I heated them. Finally I started going to school normally, everything was going okay and I even got my girlfriend back, but the phone still cut off at 10. I’m now an adult, I have been through college and I’m currently attending medical school. I’m still with that girl I met my sophomore year, we got married last summer and we’re going to have our first kid in 9 months!! I’m so exited!!! I actually just found out 3 days ago. But what I’m getting at is that even though everything turned out for the best, I still do not trust my parents for what happened and I can promise you that my child will only have one grandmother. And it will be my wife’s mother. Not mine. I havent even spoken to them since my freshman year of college. All I am saying from all this jibber-jabber is that high school years are important to a child’s growth, and these are not the years these kids will respond positively to you taking what they see as their “lifeline” their one item they need to have with them. Such as Linus (from the Peanuts) carrying his blanket. At this age children simply build resentment which will never be solved. I hope anyone reading will find this helpful, I’m sorry if I seem to repeat myself alot. Y.

    • Luise November 28, 2011 at 9:44 pm #

      Y. – You didn’t repeat anything that didn’t need to be repeated. Thank you for your heart-rending story. You deserved so much better. I hope others are influenced by what you have shared…and I know you are going to be a great dad! Blessings, Luise

  135. Y. November 27, 2011 at 9:57 pm #

    Also I would like to point out to those parents on this page that are saying, “use your power” that you have absolutely no power over your children, if you did, you wouldn’t be going to a “how to parent” website. Thank you. Y.

  136. E. November 28, 2011 at 9:03 pm #

    I hate my mother not out of the blue. It was a slow process when I started seeing that she was manipulating me and my siblings. I never had a great relationship with my grandparents, father and siblings since my mom would whisper things that these people did to her even when I was young. As a child, I took her side. Even up to now, she would complain how others including my siblings were treating her badly. She is always the victim and she never took blame for anything. As my paternal grandmother was on her deathbed, my mother casually said that my grandmother would hide letters of my grandfather’s kids from his first marriage. It’s like she wanted me not to have good memories of my own grandmother. She has suffered from hypertension for the longest time and everyone should be tuned to her health conditions. And if I get sick, she manages to make it her suffering. She would say that she gave it her all but I never felt it. It was my grandmother who would wake up early to make my breakfast when I was young. I never felt that she was there at all. Children can feel when they are genuinely loved. But I don’t feel that. I just feel that everything that she did was for show, to elicit attention from people. Most mothers who are complaining here are just fooling themselves. Oh and she thinks that I have to be financially responsible for her. I’ve married a wonderful guy and we travel a lot. Instead of being happy for me, my mother asked why I was living her dreams and she was not. She even complained that I lived in a nice apartment and she was not. So mothers out there, do not judge your children quickly. Make an assessment of yourself and may find that you have been fooling yourselves. E.

    • B. January 20, 2012 at 1:37 am #

      Dear E; You talk about how your hate your mother and all the things that she did or did not do for you, and you made comment on mothers out there, do not judge your children quickly and make an assessment of yourself and they have been fooling themselves… First of all you sound like you do not have children. If so, you should not judge your mom to severely because you are not living in your mothers shoes so you do not know how she is feeling. Also, are you not doing the same thing that your mother was doing to her mother when she complained about how she was treated. Be very careful about judging it has a way to come back around and biting you in the bum. In my own family I saw how my mothers family judged each other and holding a lot of bad feelings against each other till they died! It will take a toll on the person and their family who will not forgive and it slowly creeps into their immediate family and you could see this hate creep into your children and they will judge you severely also. Do not fool yourself thinking that your family life will be different because it will creep in without you even aware of it.B.

    • C. January 20, 2012 at 1:25 pm #

      Its true- mothers often fool themselves–they simply do not reralize how much inadequacy they load onto their children,using guilt or pity to trick family members into helping them,its terribly manipulative- as has been said take a good look at your selves before you decide to meddle! C.

  137. T. November 28, 2011 at 9:31 pm #

    Hey everyone who reads this. Well its actually me who wants a relationship with my mom. I wish my mother was like most of you after reading your comments. Well i am 19 now and i was 13 when i left my mom. My parents were divorced so i moved in with my dad. Well anyway it got really hard and me my mom and sister always would fight and many nights i would hear my mom crying herself to sleep. My mom would say to me “you look like your damn daddy maybe that’s why i hate you so much” or why don’t you go live with him and his wife she can be your new mom. things like that she would say to me i know it was hard on my mom now shes by herself to raise two kids i know she was scared and did not know what to do. Well three years ago to this day i have not talked my mom because i remembered calling her that night to tell her that i was going to be able to see her for Christmas so she answered the phone and i said hey mom she said “It better be f’in important why your calling me cause i am missing my show”. I hung up on her and cried and haven’t heard from her since. she missed out on my teen years she wasn’t their to take me to get my drivers license or to tie my tie for prom or even watch me walk across the stage to get my diploma. Now i live 820 miles away from her and all for what? some stupid fight on the phone. I wish i had never hung up on her. Well all i am trying to say is life is to short don’t do something you’ll regret down the road its just not worth it. And to all of you moms i hope your children come around and realize that you love them try and do your best with them one day they will wake up like i did and realize that all those stupid fights aren’t worth it. T.

    • Luise November 28, 2011 at 9:36 pm #

      T. – I can tell you one thing, you are the kind of son any mom in her right mind would be proud of. You deserved so much better! I hope you get to be a husband and a dad. You are wise beyond your years…and you have a big heart. Blessings, Luise

  138. M. November 29, 2011 at 6:16 am #

    My daughter hates me ever since I started babysitting my six month old grandson. She wants me to be friendly with the in laws who live three doors away. I just want to watch the baby on my appointed days and not be involved with them. Her husband calls me mean and openly dislikes me. I dont handle the situation well. The house that they live in is filled with the parents stuff which bothers me. I know this sounds petty. M.

    • Luise Volta December 2, 2011 at 8:38 am #

      M. – You mihgt want to post on my Web-forum where issues involving adult children and extended families are shared with others. We ae at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

  139. S.. November 29, 2011 at 6:20 pm #

    T — I am so sorry to read what happened with you and your mom. From reading your post, it does sound like you remind your mom of your father and that she has some resentment issues with him… and his new lady friend/wife… this is a shame. When my ex and I divorced, I would see him in our daughter and while I didn’t resent her or push her away, I did get angry more often than I should have, in my opinion. I sought counseling and no longer resent my ex and can see my daughter for the very unique young lady she is; she’s 17 now and I hope we will have a life-time relationship that gets closer with time.S.

  140. R.. December 1, 2011 at 5:53 am #

    My son tried to kill me today – he literally held me to the floor and tried to choke me to death. I fought and got away. He just got out of a mental institution about 2 weeks ago for severe depression and anxiety. I have never seen him violent before – however while he was choking me, he expressed how much he hated me.
    I have 2 sons who have been spoiled all their lives and were never held accountable and I have been an enabler. Trust me – that stopped today and I will be seeking counseling.
    My son is in jail tonight and I visit a lawyer in the morning to have him comitted.
    Funny – the person that comitted their life to them is the life they try to take.
    I am “divorcing” my sons and right now – I wish to never see them again. Cruel maybe, but it is about my survival now. R.

    • A. January 30, 2012 at 2:40 pm #

      I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless. A.

      • B. January 31, 2012 at 10:44 pm #

        Thank You for you comment and also for your prayers. I do appreciate it. God Bless. B.

    • julie March 18, 2012 at 12:06 pm #

      R. Hello.I have jut read your comment and was wondering how you are getting on?I have two daughters both in their 30,s. one of them makes my life unbearable at times,I don,t know why.and i,m thinking of doing what you have after trying everything else…. J.

  141. C. December 6, 2011 at 2:28 pm #

    My exhusband used his money to gain custody of our 2 children many years ago. The legal case is not what is right but who has the most money. Since it was pay rent or pay an atty for me, I had no atty. Now many years later, my children are grown and now emancipated. Their dad did everything to cut me off, not allow me to talk to them on the phone, limit my being able to see them. What was I to do? Pay out money to fight in court every single time? I lived in another state after the kids were taken so I could obtain employment & pay child support! Needless to say, the kids knew their dad lied to the courts and harassed their mom (me). They still do. They knew mom worked hard but made very little money and dad didn’t take visitation most of the time leaving them in tears. They knew I was poor and he was well off. Today as adults? They see their dad all the time. Spend their holidays etc with their dad. Rely on their dad and his money. Mom rarely gets a phone call, never ever a letter or a card or a gift. I’ve offered to pay their gas to come visit for years. Nothing. I’ve paid and went there costing money to stay in a motel eat out etc. They don’t have time for me, my husband or their half brother. Children are vulnerable to believe that if you lose in court, you are in the wrong or something. Society seems to think higher of men then women so often it is awful. Society also spits on those dressed poorly, or struggling and poverty stricken but thinks the guy in the suit with all the money and the atty job or the dr job is a better person. I thankfully have learned that all the fictions we are taught as children are untrue. Money does not make a good person. It is sad that my 2 children have grown into greed filled adults and uncaring for all others except themselves. I can say, I had nothing to do with that. They learned from dad, lies win, money wins. Welcome to America and the Reality of How it Truly is! C.

  142. I. December 12, 2011 at 6:11 pm #

    Look up books, one for example written by researchers and psychologists: Children held hostage. When the custodian denies the other parent their parental rights and the longer it goes on, less chance of reunification of the alienated parent with the child(ren) EVER. Well researched facts show the child(ren) will adopt their custodial parent’s attitude and believe of the other parent the same feelings the custodial parent has towards the ex. The custodian doesn’t even have to do this on purpose but the more cutoff the kid(s) are the less chance they will ever want or try to have a relationship with the noncustodian.The alienation of affections leads to a brainwashing of the child(ren). Psychologists have tried to change this by working with kids and noncustodians and have had absolutely no success once the alienation has reached five years or more occuring. Check it out! Children CAN BE DAMAGED even unintentionally by a custodial parent. I.

  143. C. December 16, 2011 at 7:02 pm #

    I’m pretty sure that most of the parents here that are hated by their children did something or didn’t do something (as in didn’t protect your children, didn’t stick up for them, etc.) to deserve it. No doubt most of you are so self-absorbed you can’t see what you did wrong and refuse to see anything from anyone else’s point of view. C.

    • Luise Volta December 18, 2011 at 11:37 am #

      C. Oh, how I wish that were true. Unfortunately, it’s a cultural shift where responsibility is being denied by some young adults and blame works.

      • E. January 25, 2012 at 8:08 am #

        Yes. Blame works for them.E.

    • M. December 30, 2011 at 8:26 am #

      Yes i did we talked after 18 month we got to spend time with my granson then the wedding.we had a great time her family was very nice to us then the blow 3 months later we were once again out of there life one more baby we have not seen my heart is so broken never to be fixeds. His wife call the police on me and his sister so i know now its over yes life goes on.YES IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE WEDDING.M.

    • R. January 19, 2012 at 2:01 am #

      rubbish. this generation of young adults is the most self centred ever. they demand perfection of their parents, but give nothing back. they take and take and take. i’m like many others here – OK we’re not perfect, but we did our absolute best for our kids. grow up and take responsibility for your own life – stop blaming your parents. R.

  144. J. December 26, 2011 at 6:54 am #

    My children’s father and I have been divorced and he had paid off the judge and my attorney so that I got not child support order. Without the ‘order’, there is no recourse for anything. My children gave me a hard time because they ‘lacked’ the nice things other kids’ had and they worked alot in high school. I told them why. Yes, it makes me angry and there was no legal recourse so it can wear on you. Money speaks, they follow the money. I was stripped of money and therefore ‘standing’ in their eyes. Sure I’m not perfect, all things considered, I think I did a good job, but it is heart-breaking. Money speaks. J.

  145. A. December 30, 2011 at 6:49 pm #

    I used to think I was a good mother, my children did not grow up drunkards, or drug users or running with the wrong crowd, they were fairly moral and I thought pretty good women. So I patted myself on the back, proud of my girls. Loving them so much. Yet as years have gone on, they have let me know how crummy a mother I was, How crummy mother I am now. I search in despair trying to remember what I have done to deserve their antimosity, and I am sure there are things I have mistakenly done, but nothing that should have driven them from my life.

    I have begged each individually to forgive me for whatever I have done, but all to know avail. My pain at their loss is massive. If I had the space I would tell you all that I have done to help them in their life, all the good I have done, I would also telll you of one thing a daughter says I said, which never happened. My husband was listening to the conversation, he knows I never said what she thinks i said. She is childless, she called me to wish me a happy mother’s day, she has no children of her own, except stepchildren who entered her life after they were in mid teens. At the end of the conversation she said I replied to her Happy Mother’s Day by saying, Happy (long pause) day to you. Supposedly being hateful. This does not even sound like me. Was she drunk? Or was her pain so bad she heard what she was afraid I would say? I don’t know. If I had thought of it I would have wished her happy mother’s day to her because she had step children, but I was thoughtless. But I was never cruel like she says, crying to her husband. It breaks my heart, I never said that, never.

    Enough said, sorry.

    A poem I though you abandoned mothers might find appropriate. I am sorry it is so sad, but my heart still bleeds.A.

    Don’t Wait

    Please don’t wait to visit me,
    ’til my days are already past,
    When nothing’s left but memories,
    And a small green plot of grass.

    Please don’t ignore my need,
    For kind words and gentle hands,
    For laughter over past memories,
    And reminiscing about old friends.

    Don’t conveniently forget me,
    Just because my memory’s shot,
    Because my eyesight’s dimming,
    And it hurts to walk a lot.

    Don’t forget the arms that held you,
    When your soul first graced the earth,
    Who struggled for painful hours
    The evening of your birth.

    Don’t forget the nighttime stories
    Read to you each night,
    Or prayers on bended knees
    Before turning out the light.

    Don’t forget your childish nightmares,
    Or whose arms snuggled you close,
    Who rocked you back to sleep,
    While we counted piggy toes.

    No, don’t store me in your memory,
    Conveniently tucked away,
    While I’m still alive and longing,
    For a few minutes of your day.

    Your days are filled with your job,
    Husband and kids you say,
    But as you rush to fill your days,
    Mine are slipping away,

    So, please don’t wait to visit me,
    ’till my days are already past,
    When nothing’s left but memories,
    And a small green plot of grass.

    • Luise Volta January 14, 2012 at 1:11 pm #

      A. I’m so sorry. Did you write that? I can only publish original poems because of copyright laws. If it is your work, please consider publishing it on my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where there are many women facing the same thing. And join our ranks, too, if you’d like. Blessings, Luise

  146. cliff January 15, 2012 at 10:47 am #

    I’m a stepfother to my wifes only son and had a great experance raising him from 2 year on. His father from at first didn’t take well to the idea. With persistance from myself I forced the idea that his father was his father and would always be his father and no one would change that. His mother fought that for a long time untill I inesseted that that was the was it was going to be . Even all the verble abuse and phyical abuse she had faced during there merrage I convenced her that it would a possable to get passed that, Not forgiven but just try to deal with It. when she deceited to leave him he forced her to have sex with her against her will. I concider that rape . But even after all that and him not doing his duty as a father and proveding support and leaving the state to avoid paying support to another child from another merrage I still felt it was my duty that this young man have a father in his life. After yaers of little league baseball timeless hours of FFA raiseting pigs, goats and rabbits from 3rd gread till his senior year I thought I was doing the rite thing. Guess I was wrong. After paying for his college education well what part he passed it all went wrong, Not sure why put he turned to a life of lies and deceit. One hurtful lie after another. whats bad is lies are so bad the truth is a much better story. I’s so sad and now I felt that I have become the worlds bigest losed. Everything I put my heart and soul in is all for nothing. I feel that my life was nothing more then a complete waste and there is no more hope. I feel that I have been hade. C.

    • Luise Volta January 15, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

      C. – Your story is way too fammiliar to me and often the hurt parent is a biological one. Don’t give up. You gave your stepson every opportunity and he may eventually return to those values. In your heart you took on a thankless job and did it with love. That is never an idication of a wasted life. You were a role model to people you don’t even know were watching. What you can say with all sincerity is that you did your best. My take is that is all any of us can do or say. We can’t predict the outcome…and “it ain’t over, ’til it’s over.” That young man has a long life ahead of him, hopefully, and someday, whether you know it or not, he may value what he now deplores. You have my deepest admiration. Blessings, Luise

  147. M. January 17, 2012 at 10:01 am #

    I am a married woman of 4 grown up children.All of my children have addictions,gambling,drug,alcohol and women,I dont know why this should of happened,I felt I was a good mother,who gave up everything so that my children could have things as they grew up.My eldest son is a good young man but he is a compulsive gambler has /is taking drugs and drinks at time to excess but he also works fulltime and earns good money however because of his problems got himself into financial trouble and I had to step back in and take control of this otherwise he could of ended up in court or worse!My 2nd son also had a good job but was involved in a serious car accident a few years ago which has ruined his life,my 3rd son is 23 is working but is a depressed person who feels a failure does not have many friends,if any and takes drugs.All of these sons do not have girlfriends as past relationships have been unsuccessful and I think that they feel its better not to have a girlfiend if they are only going to get hurt,the youngest son however has never really had a girlfriend and would like to have a friendship but he does not seem to ever be successful,I dont know what I have done for their lives to be so blighted.I also have a daughter who is 20,who hates me so much and blames me for everything that goes wrong in her life,she has a boyfriend who she has been seeing for about a year but I have never met him.At first I didnt want to meet him as I am ashamed of where we live and because we dont have much,as time went on I still didnt want to welcome him to my home but then my daughter who is now practically living at her boyfriends house with his parents asked if he could come over to wrap xmas presents so I agreed but he made an excuse and told her that as it was so long he didnt really want to meet me now,that was twice I had said he could visit and had turned the invite down,as I said my daughter only really visits to drop her washing off or if she wants money so I feel I am being totally used by her,she can barely speak to me anymore as she says I am judgemental and selfish,have not been a good mother and that she hates me I feel like running away but this will not solve all the problems that my children seem to have but I dont know what to do anymore,my eldest son doesnt hate me and I dont think the 2nd son does although he acts like it sometimes but the youngest boy seems to blame me for his lack of success in most areas,he was never a clever child and had many problems at school with academics from an early age,I did manage to get help for him but he never really passed any exams and does a menial job at this present time,all of the boys also come to me for money and I really dont have it to give to them but even feel guilty about this as a few years ago things were different financially and I could afford to give them money They are aged 30,27,23 and the girl is the youngest and was the most spoilt. M.

    • Luise Volta January 17, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

      M. PLease come over to my Web-forum where you will find a community of women who are rebuilding thier lives after their adult children did not meet their expectations. We are at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com The solution is to let them go so they can learn the lessons their choices bring them. They are not your lessons and you are in no way responsibile. It’s time to gather up your self-respect and get on with your own life. Blessings, Luise

  148. R. January 19, 2012 at 3:22 am #

    Like other parents here I am working through the loss of a child whom I love deeply. He didn’t have a perfect childhood, but I did my best for both of my children. It is impossible to list the sacrifices, emotional, physical and financial, that I made for them. I begrudge them none of those sacrifices. So why do I have one loving son and one fabulous step-daughter, and one son who doesn’t care for me – who won’t let me see my grandchildren?

    The reality that I have come to face is that my younger son is not who I thought he was. In fact, the child I love never existed. From a very young age he learned to manipulate his environment, including me, very well. On the surface he is very nearly society’s ideal. He is charming, good looking, very intelligent, and very successful. He just doesn’t have the capacity to love. His version of love is for someone to meet his needs. When they cease to meet his needs, I don’t think he hates them, they just no longer exist and he cuts them out of his life. It’s not his fault, and it’s not my fault. It is what it is. It is incredibly hard to accept. I don’t expect him to come back to me, ever.

    I hope one day the pain in my heart will ease. I’m working on it. In the meantime I ‘put it in a box to deal with later’. I work hard – it’s a great distraction. When I am asked how many kids I have, I say I have a handsome son and a beautiful step-daughter. New friends don’t know I have a second son and old friends know that the subject is too painful to talk about.

    Some will say that I have brought this pain on myself. Maybe I did. My elder son and step-daughter say I’m a great parent – but they love me, so maybe they’re biased?

    I guess what I am trying to say is that we are all different, and that sometimes the way your children turn out is disappointing and heartbreaking, but you have a choice – you can fight your way back to happiness, or you can let the situation drag you into a mire of despair.

    I feel for every one of you out there going through the same thing. I hope your selfish kids learn a little humility and grace, but I think it’s unlikely in the main. Hang in there, you are with friends.R.

    • P. January 31, 2012 at 5:17 pm #

      Thank you for what you wrote. I to am dealing with similar and my heart is broken. I finally have just given up that it is what it is and no matter what I do or say, could ever be enough. My 1st grandchild was born last week. Only 15 minutes up the road from me yet I didnt even get a phone call. He also didnt bother to call his only sister either. So we know its a girI but dont know her name or birthdate or weight. Sad huh. All this because we ended up with a Daughter in law who disowned us a year ago..and they still wont sit down to talk or give us any reason. Truthfully I dont think they know a reason. At this point and time it doesnt matter. They have hurt us both beyond repair. I just feel like my son is Someone I used to Know. P.

      • E. February 3, 2012 at 10:12 am #

        Iam sooooo sorry to hear your story i heard from my sons x girl friend that i was a granma again its a girl here name is Every born sept 11th i have a box of things for both of my grankids it all we have there is a way to find out if it is a boy or girl ask people find some kind of keep sake for them never let go of some thing as precious as your granbabys. E.

      • R. February 4, 2012 at 9:16 pm #

        I am so sorry for you. I felt that I had to give up hope, put away all the photos and erase him from my life to allow myself to live again. In some ways it does make it easier. When I find myself thinking about him I tell him to get out of my head, and find something constructive to do. It’s not a perfect strategy, but it’s the best I have been able to come up with. R.

  149. C. January 26, 2012 at 12:52 pm #

    I’ve had a strained relationship with my parents for most of my life which is a great source of pain as a young adult… (I’m 20) and as I grow up I’m becoming more and more aware of how they did try to fix things, they did try… but they were just a bit useless. I no longer blame them entirely for things, and in retrospect I see that they had a lot of problems of their own, their was no shortage of love on their part, more a shortage of social skills and their individual upbringings didn’t help either.

    Looking back there was a total lack of respect on both sides, and a fundamental lack of understanding… for me, I felt stifled and uncomfortable at the thought of expressing myself in front of them, so any kind of communication felt totally unnatural… so I couldn’t show them who I really was (a bright, vivacious young woman who was hurting deeply and in desperate need of help.)
    So they just saw my emotionally closed-off persona who was constantly angry and would lash out verbally without any good reason- and that was how they viewed me. If I had felt comfortable enough to let them see the ‘real me’ that everyone else saw, it would have been a different story… instead I was treated like a problem child and they constantly relied on the advice of my older siblings (self centred, culturally imperialistic, manipulative sods- but that’s another story!) I felt dehumanised, segregated and anxious in their presence which culminated in a mental breakdown and I left school, locking myself up in my room for the best part of a year and going out of my mind. Now that my circumstances have changed I feel as though they were kicking a dead horse- they had not earned my respect or my trust as a child and seemed to only care about my education- so no matter how they approached me I would still react by shutting down my emotions, as a defence mechanism. I feel terrible about the way I treated them, but at the same time I think that as grown adults they should have been able to help me instead of making my mental state worse. The family continues to blame me for past actions, not acknowledging that I was a minor at the time and that the responsibility fell upon them to do something about it. The whole thing has a continuing effect upon my ability to function as a human being and the only thing that stops me from ‘cutting them out’ is my feelings of pity towards my inept parents and fear of my siblings and their ability to shatter my reputation within my own community… I feel very unprotected and unsafe within my family situation, but thank god I have my boyfriend’s family looking out for me… hope this insight proves useful to someone.C.

    • Luise Volta February 2, 2012 at 8:53 pm #

      C. Thank you so much. You are an extraordinary person. I hope you know that. Blessings, Luise

  150. L. January 26, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

    There comes a day when it no longer matters. There comes a point when you can’t regurgitate your own misery and feel that same pain even one more time and then you change. There was life before the child/ren and there will be life after them unless you let them take that life away permanently. Bottom line is this, our children make their own choices and if they choose to say goodbye then fine, bye, see ya, asta la vista and chow. I am looking at retirement properties on an island far away with balmy days and warm blue waters. There is happiness out there and laughter, smiles and sunsets overlooking the ocean with that warm hand to hold who has stuck by me through thick and thin. The people who stuck it out by our sides are the ones that matter, no one else. And anyway, no one is ever alone, God is always present. The rest is just gravy….L.

    • Luise Volta February 2, 2012 at 8:55 pm #

      Good for you! Blessings, Luise

    • R. February 4, 2012 at 9:19 pm #

      You are right, there is, and we must never forget that. Good luck finding your island escape! R.

  151. E. February 1, 2012 at 6:26 am #

    Iam very happy to know that iam not alone whan my son call the police on us they had the same story not seening some of there family. it does make u fell better that your not alone.E.

    • D. May 10, 2013 at 10:03 pm #

      Yes it does make you fell better to know you are not alone, however I lost my granddaughter whom I raised for 5 years when my daughter got mad at me, & said “you will never see or speak to her again”. she has held fast to her words now for over 6 mos. D.

  152. R. February 3, 2012 at 7:04 am #

    My children as well don’t want to see me. It is a too hard of a pain to take. First the daughter -who had a small lapse in where I was allowed to see her and the grandchildren, but then, when her father started talking to her again which he didn’t in the time I was allowed to see them – and now my son. He doesn’t say so out loud but indirectly it comes to the same thing.
    I am truly fed up with life just because I cannot stand the pain of this. R.

    • Luise Volta February 4, 2012 at 8:37 pm #

      R. Come on over to http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com

      • A. January 19, 2013 at 7:32 am #

        I’m sorry you are hurt by your children. Hatred in a family is a lot harder to deal with than friends.

        I hate my mother. I tried for years to make her love me, but I believe she has Asberger’s Syndrome. After a lifetime of feeling coldness from her my love dried up. There isn’t anything for me to attach my love to. My dad says she loves me, but being cared for adequately is not the same as loving and being loved.

        Anger and pain are unfortunate. We all find different ways to cope. Moving far away is one (I did the same). Good luck. A.

        • K. March 4, 2013 at 9:20 am #

          Dear A,
          Has your mother been diagnosed with AS or have you just heard about it and choosing to label her because you don’t like her behavior? People toss around “bi polar disorder” like that all the time….it’s a dangerous accusation.
          Have you ever heard that old saying “just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they aren’t loving you with everything they have”?
          Would you have prefered hugs and kisses all the while no clean clothes or decent food? I wasn’t adequately taken care of as a child, and my mother was never there emotionally….she was in school and working most of my childhood. I cannot say I hate her, or do an internet evaluation accusing her of having a syndrome of anykind. She had her hands full with a poor excuse of a husband and six children.
          We were whipped regularly, mostly out of frustration, but I am an adult now. It is what it is and I can choose what kind of person I want to be. I choose to love my mother. K.

          • A. March 5, 2013 at 12:08 pm #

            There is a special place in heaven for you.
            To realize that nobody is perfect and to accept what life throws at you with grace is a gift. I wish you well.A.

          • L. August 4, 2013 at 10:37 pm #

            Very true we don’t choose parents. We need to love and appreciate what we have may be she was busy working to put food on the table she didnt leave you she took care of you as much as she could.. Don’t judge your parents because one day you will be a parent too.. It is our duty to take care of our parents when they are old and when they can’t take care of themselves show compassion we are human we should act like that. L.

          • T. November 16, 2013 at 10:05 am #

            I totally agree with you. I never felt the love from my dutiful mother either. After years of counseling, praying etc. I have learned that she loved me with all that she had. She did not have the “warm and fuzzy” love either and I learned that we cannot share what we do not have. She is in heaven now and I can truly say that I love and admire my mother. It is not the fuzzy love that all kids want but the values that she instilled in me are with me still and I have chosen to be a productive adult and a loving mother and grandmother. With continued self inspection, I have realized that it was something lacking in me that I could not feel love from ANYONE. Now, meditation has allowed me to open myself to actually feel the love from others whether dutiful or warm and fuzzy. Maybe the problem was inside of me from the beginning. No judgments here, just sharing my experience.
            May you be happy. May you be well.
            May I be happy. May I be well. T.

        • D. May 10, 2013 at 10:17 pm #

          How old are you? The comandment is to ‘honor your father and your mother’. they don’t have to honor you. There are kids that were raised by drug addicts and alcholics but they dont hate there parents. If your mother has Aspbergers, and she is doing every thing she can to take care of you that is showing love. Every mother shows love in differnt ways, I have a child with Aspbergers. and it doesnt seem like she shows love but I know she does. And I know she has pain when others don’t show love to her.
          It seems like the kids you give the most to have the most hate inside them. If you are over 12 years old, then pick your self up and show some respct, look around you and count your blessings. D.

    • T. January 26, 2013 at 2:33 pm #

      I know how you feel all I can do is cry. T.

      • Luise Volta January 30, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

        T. Please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where our community can offer support and sometimes even healing. Blessings, Luise

      • TaratheTerrorsMom November 19, 2013 at 3:25 am #

        Im saddened by all the pain brought on by drama queens. Excuses May be plenty,but Only TRUTH Erroll ever set them FREE

    • J. July 5, 2013 at 1:51 am #

      You know alot of time i hear the mothers say my kids want nothing to do with me, or they hate me – you know i never thought i could hate my own mother but i do. You know why? when i was 8,9,10,11 and 12 i always loved her – she choose her boyfriend over me, he molested me, and a typical mother never believes her daughter but turned around and married him. Over the years i went through hell – it wasn’t hell for my mother though, i mean she got child support from my birth father, she had a new husband and 2 sons – and many times the girl child is never loved. My mother never asked me how school was and i was suffering she always asked her sons. She always cooked for her sons and not me.

      I felt unloved so one day trying my best to finish up college her husband threw me out…and that was that at 22, a female young girl on her own – danger right there…did she care enough no? One day she wished me a happy birthday on my 30th birthday and that was the last time i ever spoke to her and i flew it all out! I spent a good 1/2 yelling it out, it felt good….i told her some awful things and said i want nothing to do with her and i could not care if she passed away – its not my problem! I told her let her 2 fat sons clean her diapers when she turns into her 70’s 80’s etc..i won’t! She has no daughter.

      I do not regret my words its been 4 years and I hope oneday when she passes away she pays by god. If there is a god then god will punish her and her husband for the hell they put me through! children need more than food! p.s. my mother never took me on trips, cared enough about me to find a tutor on my education go to parent teacher meetings etc…hell when i was 11 and her new husband molested me – she didn’t believe me i was taken out of her care for 3 years! Do you know what that does to a female child?

      So my point is – perhaps your children were molested and you do not know about it and or something happened kids don’t just hate their parents or mothers for nothing! Its very rare there was trama involved! J.

      • M. August 21, 2013 at 9:50 pm #

        Bless your heart. You have every right to be angry but this anger no doubt may be still controlling your life. Move on and know that you want a different life for yourself and your children. I have a grown child myself that hates me. No matter what I did it was wrong. No matter what anyone does they are wrong to her and thru the years of absences I have learned that my life is less stressful and I realize it’s not just me its everyone to her…therefore I have stopped blaming myself and moved forward. I wish her the best and nothing less. However I have a life now free of the drama and anger and I love it! I’m blessed to have a X son in law that allows me to see my grandchildren. They need to know they are loved. She still sends angry comments thru them but I do not respond because all it does is teach them bitterness is healthy and its not! I have no control over her feelings nor will I try again. Its up to her to come to me willing to forgive whatever it is she feels I’ve done. I gave her all I had as a mother but it was never good enough. I’ve done my job the best I knew how and that is all any of us can do. Best wishes in your healing. M.

        • J. September 15, 2013 at 10:51 pm #

          Hi M,

          Thank you for your response. I’m sorry that your daughter feels she hates everyone…but maybe is it possible she is going through some sort of depression? May be a good “I love you” might work.

          Normally truama or depression might do this to someone. She could be keeping it in for years.

          If you are in fact a good mother….i wouldn’t worry about it. She, will see it and maybe come around sooner or later. God bless. J.

        • T. November 16, 2013 at 10:12 am #

          Dear M.
          Thank you so much for your comments of love and forgiveness. The part that resonates with me is that she sends angry comments thru your grandchildren. I personally know how that feels and admire your strength not to respond. I find myself getting defensive. I do not get angry but try to explain my side and the behavior that I would not accept helped cause the rift. Since reading your post, I will cease doing even that! I will continue to pray that the anger gets resolved in God’s time and send my love to each of the children and grandchildren that are in this drama.
          May you be happy. May you be well!
          May I be happy. May I be well. T.

        • T. November 19, 2013 at 3:28 am #

          Im saddened by all the pain brought on by drama queens. Excuses May be plenty,but Only TRUTH ever set them FREE T.

      • K October 29, 2013 at 8:59 pm #

        Dear R,

        Your comment is very confusing…especially the end. Molestation IS IN FACT trauma.
        I’m sorry that your mother didn’t protect you, are you sure she knew?
        Why would you expect a God you aren’t sure is there to punish someone?
        I hope the God I know is there will bring you peace.

        K

        • T. November 16, 2013 at 10:14 am #

          K.
          I join you in prayer for R.
          May she be happy. May she be well.
          May you be happy. May you be well.
          May I be happy. May I be well. T.

  153. R. February 5, 2012 at 10:37 am #

    What is wrong with you people? To the original OP… It’s like, hello… if you wonder why your offspring hates you, maybe it’s because you won’t OWN UP to what you have done to your children in the past? As they say in Al-Anon, take one good look in the mirror… “It’s YOU!”

    I say this because I am at the point where I (almost) hate my own mother as well. And yeah, she took care of me, fed me, clothed me, so on. But she also berated me to no end, every single day on every facet of my life.. to how I dressed, how I stood, how I ate, who my friends are, everything. How she wish she never had me or my brother because of her dumb decisions. Or that I was dumb because of X, or I was a slut because of X. Maybe this sounds familiar to you?

    God, your victimization sounds like a boo-hoo. Get over yourself and start making amends to your kids NOW before your time here is up. Sadly, my Mom will never get that because her ego ALWAYS gets in her way. R.

    • Luise Volta February 14, 2012 at 10:42 am #

      R. That may all be true…and…have you taken a look in the mirrow lately? You may see your own ego looking back.

      • K. May 11, 2013 at 8:58 pm #

        Exactly !!! take a look in the mirror at yourself, you are lucky you had a mum who feed, clothed, and kept you safe. Your statement of your mum is full of holes IMO. K.

    • M. March 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm #

      Wow..ok. You had a bad time of it. YOu can’t condemn others if they worked hard for their children. I am empathetic to your past…really…but I have a son who told me he hated me because I divorced his father.. He is 39 years old. Get over it. HIs father was abusive to me and to him…but his father tells him lies. What I am trying to say to you is that not everyone wants to feel boo hoo for me. Sounds as if you should have a voice to try and tell someone how YOU were victimized. Deal with your anger. M.

    • k May 20, 2012 at 9:50 am #

      R, where was your father in all of this. So many blame the mother, and if the mother was so bad, why didn’t your father step in and lead the family as he should? Was he sitting in a corner letting you take the brunt of it all rather than trying to get his family on track?
      I’m a mother who wasn’t perfect, made many mistakes and in realizing it I have kissed up to my daughter and tried hard to do whatever I could to help her. We rescued her time after time as she made destructive decisions for both she and her children, and the more we rescued the worse she would do things to self destruct, so now I am guilty of rescuing her and not letting her hit bottom.
      When are adult children going to take responsibility for their own choices once they become adults instead of blaming their parents for everything wrong in their lives. What’s worse is when they drag their own children into it and use them as weapons by forcing them to sever their relationships with grandparents and extended family.
      My mother wasn’t perfect, and boy did I get beatings, physical and verbal, but she is my mother. She’s an old woman and I have two choices, I can live in anger and hate or I can forgive her and focus on the good she tried to do when MY FATHER didn’t do anything but bring home the bacon.
      My best to you R, may you find peace in your life without having to blame the world for your imperfect life. I know my daughter isn’t at peace, shes creates blogs devoted to how horrible her mother was.
      Now her bio dad who denied she was his to avoid child support is her new hero. It’s much easier to parent when you don’t have to pay their bills and you develop the same hate for a common enemy. Blessings to you and may you reach out to God and find a way to discover love in this world. K.

    • B. June 15, 2012 at 8:55 pm #

      Parents makes mistakes, they aren’t perfect and if someone tries to make amends the best things that you can do is to forgive. I hope that you NEVER have children. Your selfishness, bitterness and self pity wouldn’t allow you to be a good mother, specially because your hatred for your mother will be the worst example a human being could be to another. But if you do, please, put them in foster care or give them up for adoption. People whom carry hatred inside aren’t good human beings. You should be ashamed of yourself for talking like that about the person who gave you life. Ugh! B.

      • C. August 3, 2012 at 9:51 am #

        That’s another thing, we tried to give her many chances and make amends. I tried to forgive her many times. When I stop talking to her because of her, she would call months later even, a year or two later, I would answer the phone or text and think it would be better. But the negative things start, her fake personality shows and I let go. I am not as stressed and depressed as when she is in our lives. She even said sometimes she wishes my kids weren’t born. That was the last straw. Almost 5 years and counting. C.

    • D. June 21, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

      R – You do not mention if YOU are a mother or grandmother or have any children at all. Have you even had any babysitting jobs??? I don’t think so. Yes, YOU are what some of us call the ENTITILED ones, so I suggest YOU look in the mirror!

      Oh…one thing your mom probably did forgot to teach you?? Manners, respect and unconditional love! So, I agree with you about getting over it. So, when are YOU going to start??? It sounds like you have ALOT of unresolved anger also. If not for your mother, do it for a DAUGHTER one day who might be writing this about you!

      Because as cliche’ as this might sound, what goes around comes around! I am 55 years old and had a mother just like yours and I hated her until the day she died when I was eleven and I still hate her. I tried the rest of my life to create that “perfect” relationship with my children that my mother and I never seemed to get right and guess what? They hate me too! D.

      • K. July 10, 2012 at 6:17 pm #

        I’m sorry for the loss of your mother D. It’s too bad our adult daughters/children are part of the me me me generation. It’s all about them. We raised our kids during the “self esteem”, “everyone’s a winner” years…boy what a mistake…that way of thinking created self centered monsters.
        Maybe in forgiving your mom for not being perfect you will know you did your part to end the hate. We can only do what we can do, and sometimes we will make mistakes, but I think if we at least try to end the hate we will find a peace that others won’t.
        It will be up to our adult children to choose to be angry and hateful, or find peace through understanding.
        My best to you. K

      • T. August 24, 2012 at 10:52 pm #

        I too tried to create the perfect relationship with my son as I lost my only sister at 5 and my mother and I could never connect from my earliest memory. This son situation has broken me and I feel like a failure. I did everything, took care, encouraged but that cycle is back and he wants nothing to do with me. Of course he smokes tons of pot daily and blames me for everything. Im an anxious nervous betrayed wreck and I am so so sad.He was taught manners but it seems he prefers to tell me to go F myself on the regular. Seriously ? I told him he was an ungrateful misery. It feels like I may die, as I have a broken heart, and have been verbally abused. Everything went into this man (24) and the pot or his delusions have put us serious odds. Id never believe something so traumatic could even happen between us. Every question is met with a rant. OK so Ill just slip under a rock until this all makes so logical sense. Everything comes full circle. Im patient and I will watch this all unfold. Im supposed to an unconditional mother but not if Im going to be told “he is tired of me”. At this point it’s time I let him spread his wings and let him truly understand what a mothers support really means. I am a parents 1st and his friend 2nd. T.

        • Luise Volta August 26, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

          T – My take is that your parenting job is done and it’s time to let go of your expectations of what follows. (I made the same mistake.) You were a whole person before you became a parent and you can be whole again. You deserve so much better… give it to yourself. If you want the support of other women who are up against issues with adult children and extended families, http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com is my Web-forum. Blessings, Luise

          • T. May 14, 2013 at 12:47 pm #

            Luise,

            I’m a mother whose adult children have shown me, by their disrespect,verbal abuse, and distance, that they don’t respect or love me. But let me add: That on the occasions that they’ve attempted to be abusive, I’ve returned that abuse, or either I’ve refrained from communicating with them. I love me, and I refuse to allow anyone to abuse me.

            Of course all of this did hurt; because I was a single parent after divorcing an abusive and neglectful spouse at the age of twenty-five; and subsequently raised my children by myself.

            Trust me I did my best. And, I’m pround of the job that I did. Was I perfect? No. But, I always put the needs of my children, (a son and a daughter) before my own needs when they were growing up.

            My female child, and I use that designation, because she has forfeited the right to be my daughter, is a college educated woman; who, waited until she was twenty-three years old to show her true colors. I used to always tell people that she was a ‘good’ girl while growing up because she was. She never caused me any trouble.

            My son, on the other hand was always in trouble from his formative years. His problem was that he listened to his peers more than he did me. And after the divorce, his father who lived in the same city as we, took no interest in him. And, I did everything that I could to correct his behavior,supporting him as a child while his father did nothing; literally. I actually had to have him arrested regarding back child support payments. And to this day, he still owes child support payments to his son.

            Now they are respectively 39 and 31; and I decided last year that I’d had enough.

            I told both of them that I was not going to allow them to hold me emotionally hostage; because I know that is what they are attempting to do. While I may not have been a perfect mother, I was the best mother that I could have been; and I know that they know that.

            I am a strong person; and, I’ve always told my children the truth. Especially when it came to actions that I knew weren’t right and, could, and would hurt them. They don’t like that. So, they’ve cut off relations with me.

            But, I’m responding to your reply because, I so applaud it. You are absolutely correct. I was a person prior to motherhood, and I’m still a person. In fact, I’m proud of the seasoning that has happened on my journey in life. And I know that I’m a better person because of it. And, that seasoning puts me in a position to be able to discern the motivations of people who I encounter, and will enable me to make a wiser decision with respect to who I allow into my personal sphere.

            And, you are so right, I deserve so much better, and, I’m going to strive for all of the good that I deserve. And, I wish and hope that some mother out there who sacrificed her young years for her children sees this; and doesn’t dispair. Because every day that we can get up and don’t need any one to assist us with our daily needs is a ‘good’ day. Count your blessings!

            I know that at some point my children will reap the rewards of their actions; and hopefully, in the process become the people that they know that I raised them to be. And I know this because I have lived 59 + years so far; and I’ve observed how things come back around in ways in which one would never expect. Yes they are my children, but they are not exempt from the rules of the universe; and neither is anyone else’s children. There are some things that we can’t fix; and have to just wait on time and the wisdom of the universe.

            In the meantime my life is going on. I’m 59; and there’s a lot that I expect to do that I haven’t yet.

            I’d just like to say in closing to all of you ‘good’ ailing mothers who don’t deserve the treatment that you’re receiving from your children, be thankful for all of the other blessings that you have in your life, don’t compromise your standards when you know that you’re right, because your children won’t respect you if you do. And what is love without respect? And keep loving yourselves.
            Keep getting your hair done, and taking care of yourselves; because love begins with self.

          • Luise Volta May 16, 2013 at 7:18 pm #

            T. – GOOD FOR YOU! Come on over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com You would fit right in! 🙂 Blessings, Luise

    • K. July 10, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

      so R…it seems what you want is to break your mother down? Is that really what you require someone to do in order to receive forgiveness? WOW! You think someone should grovel at your feet because they weren’t perfect? you’re in for a rude awakening should you ever attempt to raise children in this world. When you look in that mirror and point your finger, you’ll see that your finger is pointing at YOU.
      You can choose to walk a higher walk or take the low road and continue the hate…waiting to break your mother all because she was imperfect. You will wake up one day and see it. K.

      • C. May 18, 2014 at 12:49 am #

        I appreciate your wisdom. If only my children would wise up and see how cruel they are before it is too late. It saddens me that my husband and I worked so hard to build a family, only to have them turn out to be disrespectful hateful adults. Our worst fault was moving around too much and not being perfect disciplinarians. We always provided well for our children and we worked hard all day and ate as a family every night. Now it feels like the oldest adopted daughter is trying to get our .2nd daughter to go against us to. Our son treats his girlfriend and daughter like crap most of the time. He went to jail for choking his girlfriend but his sister bailed him out. He thinks we called 911 so he wouldn’t speak to us for 6 months. We have been through the position of not being allowed to see our oldest grandchild that we helped raise. This happens if something doesn’t go her way. And now her sister isn’t speaking to me because I mentioned that her sister was having marital problems. She never told me it’s confidential and I apologized for it. The youngest daughter lives with a mean-tempered husband who verbally abuses her. She can’t leave him because he threatens to kill her if she takes the kids. Last but not least, my husband are miserable. The town we live in is where our oldest is very flighty about letting us see her daughter and often shortens or cancels a planned visit. We know she screams at her daughter more often than not. But what can we do? BTW her oldest is with her ex-husband and now she had a baby with a guy she knew for six months. She plans on marrying him and letting him adopt her oldest child. I want to rescue our granddaughter, but if we lose, we won’t ever see her again. C.

        C. Please come over to my WebForum for support with this: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

    • J September 9, 2012 at 9:56 pm #

      Own up??? I did that with my kids!!! you know what I just saw on my daughter’s facebook page??? A complete diatribe between her and her sister, why? I don’t know they live in the same house with their father….They are LISTING all my shortcomings as a parent. I am almost 50 years old, I’m so sorry if I just couldn’t make 50 years without making any mistakes! I am HORRIFIED! I am and have always been open with my kids, in talking about my own experiences good AND bad, if I screw up, I APOLOGIZE for it. Only to have it all used against me in a publiic forum like facebook for all the world to see, I even suggested mutual friends for games my kids play on there, now I have to worry about these people seeing that crap. My oldest actually has been talking to me a little bit over facebook. Not surprising, I find out that he and his father haven’t been talking. J.

      • K. December 21, 2012 at 8:38 am #

        Wow J,
        So sorry to see what your adult children are using fb for. Some adult use it to honor their parents who have passed away, and ours used public internet sites to dishonor us.
        My daughter actually blogged on her public blog many many times about the horrible person I am. Hmmmmm…which one of us is stuck in the hate?
        I stopped looking because it is painful. We did the best we could and if they would prefer to live life dishonoring us by trying to humiliate us w/lies and spotlighting our shortcomings then that is their choice….it tells me they are not happy people.
        Hold your head up and roll foward.
        My best to you.
        C

        • T. November 16, 2013 at 4:14 pm #

          Loved your response. Thank you for the common sense…
          May you be happy. May you be well! T.

      • L. March 2, 2013 at 1:04 pm #

        I am a mother of a Daughter that choose not to have me in her life, and i watched my grandson for 4 years this has just happened why I don’t have a clue. But I would like to comment on the fb thing, delete your account why put yourself through all that pain, fb is not intended for people to publicly air there family issues and you should report her to fb, before you delete your account., my daughter took me off her friends list thats when I just deleted my account., out of sight out of mind. to painful for me. L.

      • A. May 13, 2013 at 10:09 am #

        I had the same situation on Facebook with granddaughters. I removed myself from Facebook because I didn’t want my friends to see how petty and crazy they were…I call them the “crazy cats”. A.

      • A. May 16, 2013 at 9:51 pm #

        HI…been there, done that! I got off Facebook because my two granddaughter’s wrote things that weren’t true…they were upset that I gave more attention and money to my grandson who at least talked to me. They hadn’t spoken to me for years. My life is peaceful now without the drama.

        Friends are The Universe’s way of apologizing to us for our families!!! A.

      • Rae March 8, 2017 at 6:56 pm #

        My 52 yr old daughter came to me and told me after 21 yrs of marriage her hubby wants to b a woman now.. i sided with her when she said she wanted a dviorce ,,when she told her horrible things he said and did.. Two days later she turned on me and stayed with him.. On facebook she said had dead flowers for me for mothers day.. Yup we never know do we? Im waiting to see what God says and if he will help me and show me how to live without her

    • G. December 20, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

      Your mother may have mistreated you. But not all mothers have mistreated their children and some really do deserve much better than to be treated like dirt by their children.

      I loved my children … and yes … that is in the past tense. I loved them. I gave birth to them and no, they didn’t ask for it so I don’t and never did expect lifelong gratitude for the fact that I gave birth to them.

      But you know what I do expect? I expect them to give me the very same respect they give other human beings and I expect them to grow up and stop taking for granted that I’ll always love them no matter how obnoxious, nasty, selfish and immature they are. They’re adults. They want to be treated as adults, they need to start behaving like adults.

      Because the truth is, after being totally cut out of my oldest son’s life for over a decade with no explanation whatsoever, after not even being told that I’d become a grandmother four times over … and then being contacted out of the blue after 13 years and being told ‘the prodigal son is coming home’ … it only lasted 6 months and he cut me off again. And somehow I knew that was going to happen.

      Well, it’s Christmas next week and I haven’t heard from him in months, and I now realise the return of the prodigal son was a total sham with the sole intention of getting money out of me. I’ve come to a few conclusions about my oldest son.

      He’s immature. He’s selfish. He’s intolerant and he has no respect for me, his mother, as a person, a human being because he’s taken my love for granted all his life. And he equates motherhood with eternal self sacrifice and servitude.

      He was under the impression that I’d love him ‘no matter what’ … and for a long while, far too long, I actually did love him ‘no matter what’. I desperately hoped he’d grow up one day and realise I’m just a human being like anyone else.

      But now I see him for what he is. And I don’t love him at all. In fact, as each day goes by I love him less and less. He needs to realise that love and respect work both ways and parents also need some love, affection and care returned to them. When an adult child can do that, we know they’ve truly grown up.

      Perhaps my son has to learn a very hard lesson in life … that even Mothers can decide when to stop loving their children. We are human. We have human rights too.

      And I should have exercised mine years ago where my son was concerned.

      I no longer recognise my son. I no longer want to know him. I no longer like or love him. I no longer trust him. He’s pushed me way too far and I know if he called me tomorrow, that I wouldn’t even bother answering my phone to tell him he’s left it too late. G.

    • S. September 12, 2013 at 5:47 am #

      …..you should stop and count to 10,…your own mother “took care of you, fed you, clothed you ,…so on,… (“how to dress, how you stood, how you ate, who your friends are, everything.),,,,these are all normal parental concerns! …. you make yourself sound like a very UNGRATEFUL BRAT who needs to look in the mirror as well!
      As far as your mother saying, she wished she never had you, you are dumb because of X or slut because of X ….sounds like she’s just filled with a lot of emotional pain that X has caused and she’s lashing out towards you because you show no “emotional support” or “validation” …. maybe you should just give her a few big heart felt hugs for giving you life! (think about it, if she didn’t want you the problem could have been rectified with abortion! ) ….I don’t know you and your lack of empathy towards your mother makes me dislike you. …..GROW UP!

  154. S. February 7, 2012 at 9:24 pm #

    I have read all of the postings and feel the pain as mine. I too have lost my youngest daughter 25, my oldest daughter 26 still speaks to me. I have battled with many losses, divorce and alcoholism, even did not want to live many times. I finally moved back to my hometown, left my children and grandchildren. I am so ashamed and lonely. I feel like i’ve lost my daughters and I don’t know how to get them back. I raised them even though married, by myself, my ex-husband is an alcoholic now remarried and my daughters now think he is the light of their eyes and say they I have been a terrible mother. When in fact all the years of them growing up, I was there for them in every way, every bruise, every joy…….it’s hard to move forward with all of this pain…..I do know I have caused them pain also but how do I try and gain their love and respect again. I am lost. S.

    • Luise Volta February 14, 2012 at 10:56 am #

      S. The only thing I know of is to rebuild your own life and leave them to theirs. You can’t change the perceptions of others when they want to rewrite history and re-assign blame. I have a Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com that may offer you support. It is a very loving and undertanding comunity. Blessings, Luise

    • B. April 14, 2013 at 8:33 am #

      I can also feel your pain. I have a 33 year old daughter who does the same thing. She hates me and now she doesn’t let me see my grand daughter. I practically raised my grand daughter up until six months ago, I always helped my daughter when I had a job, bought her 2 cars, (I am divorced now) and I live on a limited income. My daughter is very abusive with her language, very arrogant and self-centered, she came as far as to tell me that she doesn’t like the way that I laugh. My daughter was raised as an only child and was given pretty much everything that she wanted, (I was married then) and this included all the love and attention possible, she has no respect for me . I am dumbfounded here! she is a spoiled brat, very narcicistic who only thinks of herself – most of my family thinks she is this way mostly because she was given everything and was treated like a queen and perhaps I didn’t instill on her the respect that should be given the adults. It is too late for that. I am heart broken and looking at the possibilities of moving away. I don’t want to take her abuse any more and besides my grand daughter has being turned against me also. B.

      • Luise Volta April 15, 2013 at 11:04 am #

        B. Please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com It is for those of us who have issues with adult children and extended families. You will find a supportive community there to help you through this. I hope to see you there. Blessings, Luise

  155. R. February 14, 2012 at 1:27 pm #

    R #2 -that’s strange. i am NOT the same R. as the one complaining about her own mother. actually I think she really has no clue as to what are the histories of the others having who have their children not talk to them.
    for me, i can say to the ‘other r.’ that my children turned orthodox and that’s being exploited by their father into discarding me.
    so ‘r.’ speak only for yourself. you just have no idea. R.

    • Luise Volta February 14, 2012 at 7:14 pm #

      R – That’s true, of course, we all come from a very subjective point of view that may not apply to another person at all. Blessings, Luise

  156. K. March 17, 2012 at 4:57 pm #

    IM A JUST TURNED 47 ON MAR. 13, I HAVE 4 BOYS 27, 24 21 AND 14 AND MY 14 YEAR OLD SONS FRIEND KILLED HIMSELF ON MY BIRTHDAY WE WHERE GONNA HAVE LUNCH AND TOLD ME TO COME GET HIM HIS FRIEND SENCE 5 TH GRADE HUGE HIMSELF, I HAVE AN EX. HUSBAND THAT I HAVE TRYED SO HARD TO WORK WITH FOR THE BOYS BEST INTERREST, BUT MY BOYS ARE SO MEAN AND RUDE AND SELFISH AND CULE AND HATEFUL AND BLAME ME NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY TO HELP THEM, THEY BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING THAT THEY CHOOSE TO DO WRONG IN LIFE AND I HAVE BEEN CARRING SO MUCH GUILT FOR YEARS FOR EVRYTHING, AND I HAVE NOTHING IN MY LIFE, I WAS A FOSTER CHILD SENCE 9, BUT I HAVE TRYED TO BE THERE AND GIVE MY KIDS EVRYTHING I NEVER HAD , LOVE SURPORT, JUST BEING THERE AND TRYING TO MAKE THEM TRONG INDERPENDENT MEN BUT NOTHING I DO WORKS , THEY HATE ME AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE AND NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO FOR HELP,SO IF YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP OR COULD LET ME KNOW SOMEONE THAT COULD THAT WOULD BE GREAT, I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS FOR YEARS AND IM GETTING NO WHERE, SO IF YOU COULD EMAIL ME BACK THAT WOULD BE SO HELPFUL, THANK YOU, K.

    • Luise Volta March 17, 2012 at 5:14 pm #

      K. – Please come over to my Web-forum where you will get the support and understanding you need and deserve. http://www.WiseWomwnUnite.com Blessings, Luise

    • L. March 18, 2012 at 6:44 am #

      Hello K, I totally understand you……first the good news you are no longer responsible for your sons that are in their 20,s…They are adults and if they go wrong or make a mistake thats down to them only now not you…..And do not try to put things right for them otherwise they will never learn….I think you feel obligated because of your own background,,its the same with me I was like that with my kids..It does not pay…your only responsibility at the moment and up until age 18 [meaning safe home guidance etc] is to your 14 year old especially as he has lost a friend…You could maybe speak to parentline about that 08088002222. you have to try and find your strengths K…you are 47,,do you really want the same kind of things going on when you are 57? Then you really have to make decisions now..if you are frightened of your ADULT KIDS get legal advice…keep them away from your home…your home and you should be respected at all times whether you live in a shed or a palace,,if anyone does not respect you or your home then they are not welcome….Tough love is always the best course of action…By the way they don,t hate you,its just a control like thing to say a lot of adult kids say it,,its nothing let it go over your head…love yourself,,look after yourself…be kind to yourself…and treat yourself every now and again even if you don,t have much money, just get a little something from the pound shop…I,m not sure but i think you might be in the USA i,m in the UK…so you might need a different number for the parent line…good luck…please come back and let me know how its going that,s if you want to…no pressure…just please don,t waste years like I did… L.

      • Luise Volta March 19, 2012 at 4:36 pm #

        R and L – You can both come over to my Web-forum and dialogue with each other there. www/WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings. Luise

      • E. March 20, 2012 at 6:05 am #

        Do not let your kids take over your life. i did it gets u no were. live your life. be HAPPY. My new saying is NO; DON’T HAVE IT; YOU NEED TO GET OUT ON YOUR OWN; BUT I STILL LOVE YOU. E.

  157. S. April 17, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

    For those of you coming from divorce, and who have not abused their children and have given everything they had in the raising of their children, please know this: There is a syndrome called Parental Alienation Syndrome. In plain terms, it is what happens to children when one parent, basically, brainwashes the children against the other parent. The children learn that in order to make the one parent happy, they have to turn against the other parent. It isn’t as simple as just that, however, and involves many different types of manipulation and game-playing and the giving and retracting of love and affection on the part of the offending parent in how they treat the child or speak ill of the other parent.
    There is much more to it than that, but that is it in a nutshell. There are alot of psychological terms and reasons behind why and how it happens but the effects can carry on for the rest of the child’s life, leaving the loving, caring parent in the dirt and the parent/child relationship broken beyond repair in many cases.

    I went through this with my oldest daughter when she was a child…PAS was fairly unheard of way back then, and few counselors knew anything about it. But, today, it is something that has been studied and confirmed as a real syndrome brought about by extreme manipulation on the part of one parent which interferes in the relationship between the child and the other parent. PLEASE KNOW that not every case of a child hating his/her parent is a result of abuse by that particular parent. There is alot more to it than just that.

    And for those of you who are suffering from estrangement, there are many group sites online where you can talk with other parents who are suffering in the same way.

    Where there is love, healing can take place….but it is never easy and it does affect your life whether you want it to or not. S.

    • H. April 28, 2012 at 8:14 am #

      what about the step mom that alienates the kids against the natural mother….thats what I went through. H.

  158. L. May 8, 2012 at 8:23 am #

    I am so glad I found this site, and that I am not alone! I have 3 adult girls and 2 grandchildren, I divorced from their father when they were quite young, my oldest being 9, & he had remarried very quickly to an old friend of the family. They both resented that I requested child support so much that they tried so desperately to brainwash my girls into resenting me and to live with them, he even told my girls that he would take them to Disney Land if they told the courts I was a bad mother, I would supply everything I could during their weekend visits so he would not complain, including soap, shampoo etc..but he refused to let them shower because he told them he couldn’t afford the water, I have so many horrendous stories, so I will limit them to just a couple as I did, in any event, he had called my middle child on her birthday and told them since they refuse to live with him he wont see them any-longer and for them to come calling when they turn 18..I just continued to raise them the best I could, however I felt so sorry for them that I spoiled them rotten, gave them whatever they wanted in hopes that they will no obsess with the trauma of not having their father in their lives and being blamed for it. They grew up without him, but when they turned 18, they did “come a calling” and was in contact with him, NOW, they all HATE ME for fear of loosing their father again, I am not allowed to see my 2 grand daughters, and I wasn’t even allowed in the delivery room, however their father and step mom were, what a kick in the rear, huh? They ONLY call on ME when they want “something”, of which I put an end to, I am in so much pain over this that it has emotionally ruined my life, As the original poster stated herself that she was moving 300 miles away, I to decided to leave the state, then I wouldn’t live so close.. I guess I figured in my mind that they would NOW have an “excuse” not to see me since I would be so far away! I have done so much for these kids, and have never turned my back, until now. They have treated me terribly and judge me from head to toe!! I am now learning to live without my kids and grand-kids, but I’m afraid that I have not an oz of forgiveness in me, if they should come around again, I don’t want to take up too much of your time by posting all the horrible things they have done and said, but it was enough to push me over the edge and now I want to move on with my life, since I have never put ME first… am I now being the selfish one?! Its been a roller coaster of parental abuse. My oldest however has attempted to reach out to me, but I have no trust nor desire to reconnect, the wounds are still open and I have JUST begun to live without them, hard to do a quick turnaround at the snap of a finger, any advise? Thank you. L.

  159. A September 11, 2012 at 1:49 am #

    I never realized that there was such a thing as Parent Alienation Syndrome.My heart has been broken for so long that I have started suffering permanent symptoms that chronic stress has brought about. My heart is literally broken. I have high blood pressure and palpitations. I do not sleep and get terrible nightmares.
    I must say that I feel a bit better after reading some of your postings. I realize now, after 15 agonizing years, that I have to stop beating myself up. I just have not figured out how to move away from my children and start a life of my own yet. I keep on grovelling, giving them things and just waiting for matters to improve.
    I live in a crime ridden, violent country where older people cannot live alone. People living alone get robbed,raped and murdered every day. That scares me even more than my children are scaring me at the moment.
    I am a professional person,but I cannot keep a job. I have alienated all my friends and family because I did not want them to know what hell I was living in. I did not want them to know how my children were treating me. I did not know how to explain how it could possibly be that we had such a good relationship and that it all changed when they started seeing their father again. That my once loving children could turn on me with such hate and dislike must obviously be my fault.
    I am at such a loss. What must I own up to or give or do to just get a friendly conversation from either of them? A.

    • Luise Volta September 14, 2012 at 1:02 pm #

      A – I have been there and my take is there’s nothing you can do. Their choices are about them, not you and unfortunately they have that right. You have the right to change your own life by moving beyond the unfulfilled expectations that are taking your health and joy. You are giving them power they don’t deserve. Please consider coming over to my women’s Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where the members help each other though this kind of anguish to a place of healing. I will be there, too. Blessings, Luise

    • D. May 10, 2013 at 10:40 pm #

      A I am going through a simeler thing but I quit giving my kids things after my youngest child run up a credit card debt $8,000 It seems like the ones that you give the most to hate me the most. My sister was an alcholic and not a good mother (just not there for her childern) but they all love her. I was a good mother, & 2 of my 4 children hate me. D.

      • G. September 14, 2013 at 5:03 am #

        I see and hear this over and over again. Why do some people respond so much more positively to cruelty than to kindness? I have a sister who HATED her child from the moment she conceived her. She always said she never wanted children, but she went ahead and got pregnant because it was the thing to do after marriage. No-one pressured her into it. She continued throughout the pregnancy to moan about the whole thing like someone had forced her to get pregnant. When the child was born she decked her out in all the latest gear, she was a well dress but despised child. That continued throughout her life. She’s now 36, same age as my son. Guess which child is in daily contact with her mother and guess which child has turned against his mother?

        Yes – my sister and her daughter are still seeing each other. My son, who was planned for, wanted more than anything, taken care of, never abused, loved and set free to live his life – no longer wants to see me.

        So … does kindness pay off in ways we don’t realise? Should I be glad that my son is able to live independently of me? Should my sister worry that her daughter still continues to need her? I don’t know. All I know is I was in the same position as my niece. My mother never wanted me and I clung to her all my life, probably in the hope that one day she’d change her mind, which she didn’t. My son feels no need to cling to me I suppose. So I take it that he obviously doesn’t feel he’s missing anything.

        However, I would if I had the chance to, like to remind him that relationships don’t always have to be about need. They can be about just showing we care. I care about him. He doesn’t care about me. I see my sister as caring about herself, she now needs a daughter to care for her, she’s getting old, so having a clinging child has its benefits. And my niece will wear herself out, like I did, trying to change a selfish person into someone who cares. G.

        • M. May 20, 2014 at 3:04 am #

          Oh, my God. I realize I’m posting this well after this post was made, but…this broke my heart.

  160. K. December 2, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

    I feel everyones pain here. On the flip side, I just told my 35 year old son and 29 year old son that I never want to hear from THEM again. All they bring into my life is grief. They take and take and treat me with utter disrespect. They are rude, mean, and cruel adults. They verbally abuse me as well as other women in their lives. I have to protect myself from them. I really feel as though I “hate” them both. I know that “hate is a feeling that will cause me problems and I am prepared to work on forgiveness so that I can feel nuetral toward them. However, I will NOT let either of them back in my life. I have realized that they are the type of people who will only bring negative into my life if they are a part of it. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to come to terms with the fact that our children aren’t the type of adults we want to associate with. K.

    • Luise Volta December 8, 2012 at 2:21 pm #

      K. Please come over to my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com You will find women there in the same boat who are helping each other heal. Blessings, Luise

    • K. December 18, 2012 at 8:53 am #

      Amen to that K, and I understand your need to back away from the problem. Save yourself.

      I wish I could do that, but when grandchildren are involved it’s very hard. Innocent little children who have bonded with you and cry when they have to leave you to go back to the parents.

      Back away now before grandchildren come into the picture because once you form a bond with grandchildren they become weapons for your adult children to use against you, to manipulate you, knowing it breaks your heart because the child is dragged into an adult situation and you are helpless. K.

    • M. August 21, 2013 at 9:54 pm #

      Good for you but don’t Hate your children…move forward without them. M.

    • M. June 10, 2014 at 8:41 am #

      Wow, I felt that maybe I was crazy in saying I hated my daughter yesterday but I can see that I need to allow myself this process of emotions so I an get to reality. My daughter is very disrespectful and takes. Thank you for being bold and sharing the truth about how you feel. M.

      M. Please come over to my WebForum to get support with this: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

  161. E. December 3, 2012 at 11:29 am #

    Found this site after googling about some of my family problems. (I am the only child from my parents, but my mother had 2 sons from a previous marriage who are 11 and 13 years older than me). I have a deep anger with my family because I am the one treated like a child (I am 29) and over looked by everbody, blamed, nobody ever takes my side, have to constantly defend myself, etc. We have had these problems ever since i am growing up. The only time they were partially cooperative is when they had the potential to be–oops–in trouble with the therapist when i told her my side and what goes on. Gosh I miss that lady.

    I am seriously wanting to move far away from all of them once I am able to find a good job away from here. I do not attend family functions as it is. It is hurtful seeing my dad show an interest in my brothers and enjoy talking to them, but he never does that with me even though I’m the biological child. My mother is too busy kissing up to my dad to ever take my side on anything, or to even strike up a conversation with me. I am like the roach that must be stepped on, silenced, and exterminated. Why did you bring me here again and I’m supposed to be grateful for this? I would rather not be here in this case.

    I pretend on the outside that things are the same old every day…”fine”, but i really want to get away from all of these backstabbers. And my mom even has the nerve to say to me in a wistful voice “oh forgive me if i’m not the greatest mother, but you REALLY just make me so mad sometimes” after an argument. It’s easy for her to say when they never listen to my concerns or my side of the fence or try to come to some middle ground so everyone is happy. Any time I try to speak up for myself I am thwarted down by two screaming people and automatically outnumbered. I’ve slowly learned to not bother because I am considered a cancer.

    My father’s father was very verbally mean to me saying things about how I’m nothing and terrible, lazy, useless, worthless. It disgusts me that a grandfather could be this way and I’ve never had any contact with him since I was a teen and I’m sure he knows why. I also have anger toward my father who never said a thing about it to his dad, even though my mom wanted him to.

    To the original poster, I just have to say maybe there’s a REASON they don’t want to talk to you ever again. There is only so much a person can take before they go insane. Sometimes they need to retain their sanity. Almost 75% of family experiences and relationships have been very hurtful and bad for me except for a couple nice aunties & uncles, but we are not close. At this point I just want to get away and be left in peace! E.

    • Karen December 18, 2012 at 8:35 am #

      Dear A-M
      Yours is only one story. I am sorry that you grew up with family problems and feeling neglected, however, there are so many different circumstances in all of our stories. I know mine is not anything like yours.
      In fact, when I married my husband she was the center of our world…he loved and raised her as his own. We didn’t have our own child for many years (by choice) and when we did we were very careful that she never felt like less.
      Now she hates us….we weren’t perfect parents by a long shot, but she wasn’t a perfect person either.
      So you see, I understand that because of your pain you come on a site like this, read our emails and assume we must have been like YOUR parents because you think you feel like OUR adult children.
      You can’t really compare your story to others…but I’ll suggest that you get back into therapy for your own sake, and find a new one, doesn’t sound like the other one was very neutral and doesn’t seem to have helped your family with long term skills. K.

      • Rae March 12, 2017 at 7:20 am #

        both sides to all stories our children hurt us in many ways

  162. G. December 5, 2012 at 11:53 am #

    You guys are lucky they want nothing to do with you. I would go on a vacation for a few months. believe me no loss, kids just drain you financially and emotionally. G.

    • A-M December 17, 2012 at 1:44 am #

      To G.: THAT is really good advice. Make them know that they are not the Alpha and the Omega that they think they are. Yes, let them stew while you relax. A-M

  163. S. December 10, 2012 at 12:54 pm #

    Do you still control their lives? Tell them what to do? Treat your children like 10 year olds? This undermines them in front of their spouse and children and they feel extremely embarrassed and frustrated when it happens.

    In any situation. a child should love his mother and father unconditionally, however maybe if you do these things… It’s time to take a step back and let your children live their lives. S.

    • E. February 26, 2013 at 9:51 pm #

      I am new here and looking for (I don’t know what) My 2 daughtors HATE me and I don’t know why. Haven’t heard from there in years. Am I such a dispicable perso??? Brought up in orphanage with no family. Married 30+ years to no avail. Can anyone help me?

      • Luise Volta March 3, 2013 at 10:21 pm #

        E. – Yes, come over to my Website where women help each other with issue concerning adult children and extended families. We are at: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com I have found the what is needed is a supportive community. I hope to see you there. Blessings, Luise

  164. D. February 24, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

    Wow, I just needed to hear what many of you have had to say. I think the recurring theme of entitlement amongst our children and the blame game they play – passive aggressive behaviour (which I am sure I had a part in teaching them through single parenting and meno-pause).
    All the things I now know I taught them by being their most common role model. Men by nature show less emotion (they seem to have more emotional attachment however – at least in my opinion), the model of the absent father, who failed at parenting – I mean didn’t live up to a good model parent, certainly my children’s father appeared to have been a good father NOW, but when my two oldest were 14 and/or 15 they each took a turn moving in with their father and both lasted less than a couple of weeks before he lost it on them for their rude behaviour and ran home (I probably should have made them stay). Regardless, now they are 37 & 38, they talk behind my back about their issues with me and their perceptions of me. They say I did *something* to provoke their father’s abusive nature and they continually hammer home many of the defects of character they perceive in me.
    So logically I can see that they are not thinking anywhere near outside the box. I can forgive, but, in their presence, when that aching heart fills my soul and the fear that it will repeat itself wells up inside of me, I find myself paralyzed and unable to be present and/or participate in their lives. I’ve asked for time away from them so as not to bring my drama into their lives and then again I am treated with disrespect and a lack of empathy or compassion, told that I am a drama queen and to change that aspect of my being. It torments me to know how to put that aspect to bed, stop feeling so responsible for being the person they do not want in their lives, it seems to impact me greater and the emotional response becomes ‘bigger’ than the power I possess to control it. I had my grandchild over for a sleepover and spent so much time trying to ‘feed’ her properly, give her a good time and to be the wise and good gramma she used to think I was and the entire time worrying what I may have done wrong in the imagination of her mother to make her want to withdraw her and not only that talk behind my back to her sister about it. Then if I mention these fears not in an emotional or time consuming way, I am attacked and told I am not important enough to talk about… later when they are enraged or riled up about something they refer to conversations and discussions they have had about my actions, words or simple way of being that they have talked about and formed an opinion of. And while I know this is a mentality of a high school bully, it envelopes every muscle in my body and I can’t seem to shrug it off, I don’t walk away and find a better situation to be in. I withdraw at home and feel unworthy and confused about what is and isn’t true.
    I understand a victim of a bully, it feels so much like there is no way out because of the fear that the pain will be once again inflicted verbally and the cycle with repeat itself.
    Most of my friends, (unlike many here I have chosen to share things with them), don’t speak to me anymore – again, I am confused is this because I talk about my heartbreak and believe me I don’t just talk to them about that aspect of my life I listen and I interact and I try to find ways to enjoy life together with them.
    I cannot figure out if I am the cause or the effect, the depth of the darkness and confusion is so great.
    Logically I can deduce that this is a mental emotional breakdown, yet the only way I know how to avoid the feelings is to bury myself in my work, coming up for air to realize how alone I really am.
    It feels better just to say it.

    • Luise Volta March 3, 2013 at 10:28 pm #

      D. – Please consider coming over to my Web-forum if you haven’t already. It’s a place where you can share with others and find support. We are at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com I hope to see you there. Blessings, Luise

    • Bee July 4, 2013 at 7:32 pm #

      D., I wish so badly I could reach out to you and find out how you’re doing. So much of what you wrote could have been written by me at various times during the last few years. I feel your pain, it’s a nightmare and this feeling of betrayal by people we have loved so unconditionally feels unbearable at times.

      I am in another difficult time and I’m glad I found this website, I do plan to check into the one that Luise Volta has been advertising. I just wish there was a way to keep in touch with you as I feel we could relate & help each other through this. Hopefully you’ll see this at least and just knowing that someone truly understands will be enough to help you hold on.

      The heart break and grief of losing the image we had in our thoughts & dreams of how we imagined it would be when they grew up is a very difficult thing to accept. It’s even harder when I keep seeing other families who did get that dream of happy family gatherings, holiday family photos, and grown children who call their mother their “best friend”. I’d accept much less, honestly I didn’t expect or ask for much, I just hoped and really thought I was laying down a good foundation for a healthy relationship.

      I used to tell my children that one way to know if a person would be a good partner in life is to pay attention to how they treat their parents, friends, and animals and how they behave when around them. I knew I instilled good values and I was a stay at home mom until they were in middle school. I was encouraging, supportive, and involved. I take comfort in knowing that they are living responsible, productive lives and contributing to society, that’s a great thing and I’m very proud. I’m just horribly ashamed at how they treat me.

      It’s not fair. It never will be, yet somehow I need to find a way to stop grieving and live my life for me and stop hoping things will get better because I honestly can’t handle the let down one more time. I don’t know how I’ll do it, the pain is huge, but I have to find a way one step at a time.

      This is seeming like a giant epidemic of breakdown of family unity in our current society and it’s so sad to me. Most of the time it is happening to good, decent, caring, loving parents who deserve much better. Through trials we usually find out we’re stronger than we thought we were and we can endure the pain again even if it’s hard. I wish you all the best and hope you are well.

  165. N. April 4, 2013 at 10:34 am #

    I say dump the ungrateful adult “children” and live your own life. They have a lot to learn and one thing they’ll learn through their own children is how merciless grown kids can be! They keep score and they’ll let you know about every single error you ever made as a parent. When they are on the receiving end of this kind of criticism, it just might occur to them that you really did the best that you could with the knowledge that you had at the time. What goes around really does come around. Good luck! N.

    • A. April 11, 2013 at 2:04 am #

      Good advice. I distanced myself from my children with great sadness. They now actually speak to me in a more civil way. I end the conversation when it starts turning sour.
      It is not what I want, but I feel better about myself without having to endure their nasty attidutes. A.

  166. e. April 5, 2013 at 1:06 pm #

    Hi my name is Betty and I would appreciate some insight as to how to not only deal with my mother but also my daughter.
    My mother is 97 years old and an immigrant. She has been a widow for 15 years and lives on her own. I am thankful for her abilities but there are issues that have existed between us since the day I can remember as a child. She has never approved of my actions throughout my life, some of which I understand others which I feel are just her way of saying that I have always been a throne in her side. I feel it’s to late now to gain any explanation or understanding of her feelings since she is now very paranoid of everything and everyone. The last incident was her believing that my husband and I were stealing from her and she called the police. Nothing happened but I have stayed away because I do not want to create any more fear in her than what already exists. It is very hard to know what to feel, hurt, anger, and unwanted, are some of the feelings that not only exists now but have throughout my childhood. My question is without having the money for counseling what would I do when she passes on? I feel that this situation has affected how I was as a mother and where I am now in my relationship with my daughter.

    I am in my second marriage one of which my daughter has not been involved in but was most exposed to my second. I divorced her biological father when she was 18 mo.old and of course it was difficult since I was not educated and had no one to turn to except acquaintances for living. My parents were in a retirement home environment and children under 55 were not to live there. I ended up in various relationships until I met my 2’nd husband when she was 5. We never lived together & married when she was 5, he was the main influence on her life due to her biological father leaving when she was 9. After 10 years of marriage to my second husband his PTSD became most difficult along with my drinking problem and my daughters drug problems. We sought counseling to no avail. Looking back, of course hind sight is 20/20, I should have paid any amount to help us recover from our dysfunction. My current husband is a great person without all the baggage and is wonderful to me and my grandchildren (4 boys, ages 5 – 13).

    My second husband still is actively involved in my daughters life but is disabled and does not see her or the children on a regular basis. He does provide her with any monetary help she may need since she is a single parent with an ex-husband who has been incarcerated most of the children’s lives. During the process of her divorce she became totally dysfunctional and in the past has had various encounters with CPS. My abilities were maxed out to provide the support that she needed. I quit my job in order to be readily available for the grandchildren and watched them for 5 years while she worked. I was paid with the money she received from her stepfather in order to supplement my income since not having one was not something I could offer. Needless to say it was a struggle since I was exposed to things most mothers would have problems with. i.e. cleanliness, food, liquor bottles etc. Of course I was verbal about the situations as they arise only to be pushed to my limits and having to pull back and quit. Also during this time she met an abusive man who sent her to the hospital. Now she seems to have gotten much better psychologically and is moving in a positive direction. I am happy for her but she has been very critical of my child rearing, my rearing of her as a mother and has become very distant. I have pulled way back in asking any questions about her life unless she wants to share, I see my grandchildren and try to do what I can. I have asked her to get help with me to see if we might be able to strengthen our relationship but her answer is no, she does not have the time for us. It hurts but what does a mother do from this point? Should I continue to wait it out, take small steps? I just don’t know what to do. E.

    • Luise Volta April 12, 2013 at 10:03 am #

      E – My take is there is very little we can do to change others unless they want to change themselves. I doesn’t sound to me like either your mother or your daughter want to the deep and often difficult work usually required to do that. You did your best with both of them. Your mother wasn’t perfect, you sren’t and neither is your daughter. We aren’t put together that way.

      I would suppgest start now to let go of the pain, disappointment, frustration and hopelessness and focus on your own life. abusive relationships do serious damage. Wish them both well in your heart and remember that you are more than a daughter and a mother…you are a person and you deserve better. Find ways to give yourself the peace and joy you deserve. Blessings, Luise

  167. T. May 1, 2013 at 2:47 am #

    much love sisters! feel your pain thoght i was all by myself xxxooo i guess everythung will be alright and it wll x T.

  168. B. May 11, 2013 at 3:47 pm #

    Dear e.

    Looks like you have gone through a lot. Sometimes life doesn’t seem fair, but we must go on, until there is no more where to go, only thing for sure is turn to God, when there is nothing left, there is God. I have done that. I have gone through a lot also. I have a daughter that hates me and I have no family where I live, so I am all alone, but I have turned to God and this is my only hope. So hang in there sister. My prayers are with you. B.

  169. L. May 26, 2013 at 1:43 am #

    im 42 yrs old and have been going through the same thing or some time now. my oldest son is 20 and he seems to blame me for everything. I hav a 15 yr old son too. I hav given them everything I could, emotionaly physicly. I feel like they are turning on me now,yes im not perfect, I grew up in a angry,yelling,screaming household. my mom died when I was17. so yes I hav issues but I hav always put my children before anyone or anything. I feel like the hate me,i thought it was hard when they were younger, boy was I wrong, that was easy peesy compared to now. L.

  170. L. June 26, 2013 at 1:31 pm #

    can you plz. help m with adice on how i an win them over. he pretends like he is an angel in theyre eyes. just something to set my HEART at ese.otherwise he has been putting me down for a lot of years. ive been thru guilt, alcoholism and just hurting myself and ive not done nything. he had the job so he got my son, and he is doing drugs and sleeping around. but most of all he will not speak to me.to make a long story short, i am devestated about this outcome. i beleive in god and the commandment, Thou ShallHonor Thy mother and thy father. my mom is in a nursing home and growing up we were beat, while she stood by, but i have forgiven her, FOR ME. she is really all i have and it brings me great joy to make her smile. no others ever visit.i have remarried and i have my drinking under control, but till they ignoe me, or yell at me!why are some ppl. like that? imworried about dying and not having them around. most of all i miss and love them to the moon nd back!! what can i do? L.

  171. D. July 20, 2013 at 2:47 am #

    I’m a 27 year old woman who has just decided to cut off contact with my mother. No she never beat or molested me, but the pain she’s caused me throughout the years has gotten to much to bare.

    Both my parents have mad mistakes but I hold nothing against my dad because he’s done everything out of love and while I don’t agree with some things I absolutely do not hold anything against him. My mom, on the other hand, has always put herself first. She cheated on my dad and left us when I was 12 for a perverted alcoholic. When I was 21 she left him and befriended me so I would help her leave him, which I did. She rented out a house my husband owned promising us she would stay there at least a year since we needed the money. Well a month later she finds another man to shack up with leaving is high and dry and the sudden friendship we developed came to an end after she stopped calling me.

    She didn’t see my during my entire pregnancy and has only seen her almost 5 year old grandson a handful of times, and that’s when I do the driving. Heaven forbid she makes the 90 mom drive to see us, that would take too much time away from her current shack up job.

    My brother is going to prison for 7 years (serving half) and she actually asked him to have his attorney change his court date so she it didn’t interfere with her vacation. To me that was the last straw and that wasn’t even the worst of the parenting mistakes she’s made, it was just the recent one that finally made me decide enough is enough. I told her I love her but she can’t be in my life for my own emotional sanity.

    I could write a novel about all the terrible things she has done but some people will always side with the parent. You know what though? I’ve tried my hardest my whole life trying to have a relationship with her. I’ve forgiven many things but she’s full of broken promises. She has time to socialize and find new men all the time but can’t make a short drive to visit me and her grandson. She will plan on coming up and I will stay home all day waiting and he will simply not show and then when I finally get around to calling her after I’ve cooled off a bit she will have the nerve to ask me to visit her. Often times I do but in done with it. I can’t keeps making all the effort. She’s proven over and over that her men come first.

    My last words to her were me telling her off and letting out a lifetime of thoughts and yes, I was cruel but she’s been cruel to me the past 27 years. She now knows what I think of her and that i love her but can’t stand the person she is. I have no respect for her and believe that she is incapable of loving another human being. She’s selfish and never thinks about anyone but herself.

    Parents do not deserve relationships with their children if that child feels its detrimental to their own well being. There is a time we have to put ourselves first. Parents owe more to their children than their children own to them. Period. You bring someone into this world then the burden is on you, not the other way around. Any future relationship with my mom is up to her. She has to make it better because I am done trying. My little boy deserves the best mother possible and for his sake I have to let my mom go so I’m at a healthy mental place.

    Don’t think it’s easy on us adult children to cut off contact. I cried all day last week on my moms birthday feeling terrible for not calling or getting her a present. It’s not easy at all and not done without serious thinking so don’t write it off as being us “entitled babies making a big deal out of nothing”. That’s not what it’s about at all.

    Respect is earned, not just given. Maybe ask yourself why you’re children don’t respect you. I know quite a few people my age who don’t speak to their parents and their all hard working well rounded people, definitely not drug addict, irresponsible, entitled people. So ask yourself why your children want nothing I do with you. My mom swears up and down she’s done no wrong too. D.

    • Luise Volta July 21, 2013 at 11:51 am #

      D. On my Web-forum http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com we often look at both sides of this issue. Please come over if you would like support. Abuse can only be stopped when there is self-respect. Good for you for setting and maintaining boundaries.

    • M. August 9, 2013 at 11:43 am #

      We are all as human beings essentially very flawed. There is no obligation to acknowledge those who give birth to you, it is a biological function and comes with no guarantees. There are those parents who will walk through fire for theirs and those who will not wipe away a tear, it is a lottery. I think Life is about survival and we do this whichever way we can…we should try to avoid people and situations that interfere with this process and sadly often this involves those who should be closest but are not…Parenthood is not a defined thing, it is very subjective and again, if you are lucky that you get those who care about and have a vested interest in your success and happiness in life, well you are lucky….do not regret having to go against the rank and file of behaviour…..if it is detrimental to your survival and happiness, then avoid it….the whole purpose of our lives is to nourish and continue our species..regretfully, some people are just not up to the job….unlucky for you…….but you can do better….and ensure that your mandate is to fulfill your purpose and present,whole, confident, loved little people to the world, they will honour your legacy and so it begins. M.

      • E. August 13, 2013 at 10:48 pm #

        Thank you for this! This is what I needed to hear. I have a mother who is a compulsive liar, and who has made very harmful decisions in the past. One of the worst things she did was let a criminal live with us when my sister and I were teenagers. Recently she started dating a meth user, which lead to a dangerous altercation with someone I consider a sister. After learning that I found out that she will never learn from her mistakes and decided my life will be better without her negative influence. I felt that I had been cheated because our society teaches us that we should put mothers on a pedestal. But if mothers are so wonderful why is mine so deplorable? You have provided the perfect answer! Thank you! E. 🙂

        • G. August 14, 2013 at 11:33 pm #

          Talking of pedestals … perhaps it’s time that women stopped aspiring to be like the biblical version of the Virgin Mary … the perfect mother, the perfect woman. Then maybe we could get down off those pedestals before our husbands, partners and children start throwing rocks at us when they realise that we are only human after all.

          I get sick of hearing young people today getting pregnant after only just meeting, having children, then blaming each other for it, splitting up and yelling at each other “You’re a bad mother! You’re a bad father!” It’s like they have some kind of tick list in their minds of what constitutes a good or bad parent. They then seem to have to rant at their parents for ‘not supporting’ them in their poor choices.

          I supported both my children by teaching them ‘the facts of life’, and I explained the lifelong consequences of jumping into bed with people they’d only just met. Amazingly, they were both taught the same things by me, one seems to have listened and thinks I’m a good Mum, the other took no notice whatsoever, is now living with the consequences (and so am I), and thinks I’m a bad mother. I can’t live his life for him and nor would I want to. No matter what we ‘teach’ our children, the fact is, they have to choose to either learn from our experience or learn from their own.

          None of us is perfect, no mother is perfect, and no mother should be expected to be perfect. That’s setting children up for a major disappointment. What we should expect from our parents is for them to be human, and that includes faults and flaws. I’m not saying we should ever expect or accept abuse, but we shouldn’t expect parents to never make a mistake in their life. If you think about it, that would be a pretty hard act to follow. G.

  172. L. October 18, 2013 at 2:06 pm #

    Wow, this is sickening. Some women are talking about how they were abused, verbally and physically and encourage others to just overlook it because “shes my mother”. Maybe back in your day, child abuse and neglect was accepted, but in this day and age, you get thrown in jail or visited by cps. And we no longer have to accept it, as adults we are free to walk away from abusive people.

    I had a mother in law shoved me halfway down the stairs when I was 9 months pregnant. Her son (my husband) cut her off for that. My baby son had to be via emergency c section and was in nicu for a week. And you sick women would tell us my mother in law is still our mother and we should accept her?

    Guess what though? We forgave her. We went to church and prayed for her. But do we want anything to do with her? Never. Ever. There are legit reasons to cut off toxic people. Its unfortunate that you’re all interested in invalidating the children who cut them off. L.

  173. R. October 22, 2013 at 11:20 am #

    Excuse me, L. How can you be so sure the other mothers here whose children don’t want to have anything to do with them anymore have behaved like you mother in law? I think it’s very presumptuous of you to just to assume that. As you put it…. children are always right and breaking contact with their parents is their parents’ own fault.

    You are SO WRONG. Just because in your individual case this might be true, please never assume we, wronged mothers, did knowingly or unknowingly anything wrong to our children. R.

  174. B. October 27, 2013 at 6:50 pm #

    Ungrateful adult children want to be left alone and they should be left alone. I can’t reach my daughter either. I tried so hard calling her, sending her emails, treating her with so much respect, but the more I tried to get in touch with her the more she pulled back. Now, she only calls me when she needs money, and she doesn’t asks she demands! I feel so humilliated because she has a way of talking down to me and raising her voice and marking the words very slowly and with contempt, and she always tells me “I hope you understand”. I am fed up with her contemptuous attitude. She asked me to co-sign a loan for ten thousand dollars and I didn’t do it mainly because she has become a liar and she doesn’t respect me. Well, this did it for her, she blames me now for her financial situation. I don’t think I could’ve taken more of her verbal abuse. She changed her phone # and I can’t communicate with her not even by email. She doesn’t want any contact with me. I am passed the heart broken stage, I am numb and appalled, but only comfort is that I believe in a merciful God. Please don’t give up on yourself, pick yourself up and put yourself in the hands of the Almighty. Forgive her and shake the dust of your shoes and keep going. I have done this and I truly don’t want any contact with her either, she is a master at hurting me, so I decided to let her be and let her go. Good luck to you and may God bless. B.

    • G. November 14, 2013 at 10:55 am #

      B. Your first words above just about say it all – “Ungrateful adult children” … and that’s exactly what some of our children are. I’d add – self-obsessed, narcissistic and irresponsible to that. I’m a bit further down the road to yourself I think. I’m past the begging stage, past the heartbroken stage, past the numb and the appalled stage. I’m at the ‘eyes wide open’ stage which sort of includes seeing my adult child and his wife very clearly. He had a decent upbringing, wasn’t neglected emotionally, physically, spiritually or financially. He had a Mum who loved him very much and who has helped him along in life. He CHOSE his friends, cannabis and the lifestyle that goes with it and both his father and I (we’re divorced) have done our best to support him in every way long after he left home. If anyone had told me when my son was a child that he’d be the one to turn his back on me and shut me out of his life I’d have laughed in their faces.

      We don’t know what our children will come across as they make the transition from child to adult, we can only be there for them and hope they come back to their senses eventually – but if they don’t – we also MUST accept for our own sanity, that it’s THEIR choice. I didn’t like myself when I found myself begging my son to get in touch. I didn’t like myself when I was so heartbroken I could hardly stand up and made myself very ill. I didn’t like myself when I was numb and appalled. But I DO like myself now with my ‘eyes wide open’. I get on with my life and it’s now ME who makes the CHOICES. No-one, not even my children or grandchildren will ever pull on my heartstrings to that extent ever again – and that feels like a much more wholesome ME talking. I wish you well. G.

  175. Preeya October 15, 2014 at 12:51 am #

    Hi. I am going thru the same pain…. I am a single mom and my daughters have no bonding for me….. They hate me …… So I am now planning to move away from their lives …. They are 22 yrs old now and why shud I stay with them if they are not happy with me …. It hurts terribly bit then at least they will b happy coz I will not b there to make them miserable

  176. DEBBIE December 18, 2014 at 9:52 am #

    my son is adult he been going threw some hard time with his ex wife she is very controlling over him and walk on egg shells all the time , ready to explode at him for the little thing, he been living here at home for 7m now has been trying to get his own place but no doors are opening up him m he has a son that is 5 come and stay off and on with us she hate us and has been trying to find a way to keep my grandson away from us , will she finely scared my son in to believing that are all crazy here and will not let him come over anyone I had told my son to be careful in what seed he is planing in his son life, he will let him sit and what TV 7 are more hours of a day he get to bed around 430am and up by 3pm and his eating is really bad lot of junk food
    it not good for him , Ive try not saying much, but i blew up this week on him i told him that i love him very much but he is killing his son n so now he hate me and she will not let him come over any more he up set with me it a big mix up in words he say he has nothing to do with me any more and never want to talk with me again yet he still leave her he will just come home from work and go lock himself in his room

    i feel bad yet i know i did the right thing , yet his ex is talking it way to far on him and us and you can not talk with her she just blow up like a crazy he is very weak and keep a lot of stuff inside , he very upset with me not sure what to do

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