Question: Dear Luise: I have fallen in love with a guy who loves me. So what’s the problem? He loves his mother more. He doesn’t say that, but I can see it in his actions, feel it when I am in their presence and hear it in his voice. It’s almost palpable. To tell you the truth, I like her and she seems to like me, too. Is their relationship something I should see as a red flag? Callie
Answer: Dear Callie: It may not be a red flag but you certainly need to pay attention to it. Sometimes such a thing is pretty intense and borders on neurotic and other times it can be a lovely thing to behold and be around.
I’ve read that you can tell a lot about how your husband is going to treat you by being around him when he’s with his mother. If you see respect, report, affection and communication…why not see it as a green flag?
You are new, remember that, and you are also pretty special if this guy loves you and took you home to show you off. Obviously, his relationship with his mom is of long standing. He can’t even remember not having her in his life but can you entertain the possibility that there is room in his heart for both of you?
I know a gal who had a very similar experience. The moment she was introduced to her boyfriend’s mom, she said to herself, “OK, I see. Well, I can be number two. What a great mom! I’ll just make her my number one, and join the crowd.” Later she became my daughter-in-law. And decades ago we both dropped the “in-law” part.
How this all plays out for you will depend on many variables. Be observant and also look to see how you feel in your heart. Trust your instincts. Love is not always exclusive, competitive or limited. When it’s real…it expands, includes and benefits from what is added to the mix. Blessings. Luise