Question: Dear Luise: So the bottom line, according many of your letters is this for me: I’m a mother of 3 boys, the first got married and his wife consistently has misperceived or imagined false ideas about my trying to put a “wedge” between her and my son. I have no interest in doing that, I understand clearly the difference in my sons love for me and his heart, mind and soul love for his wife. I love this girl and I’ve given much emotional love and material love to her. Now my other son recently married and at the wedding she completely ignored our family … etc …. the classic jealous and possession game. So, what your saying is this … basically I’ve lost two sons and gained nothing! How weird is that. I’m so sad in that I really wante girls who would love me and want to do things with me. Instead … well any advice? L.
Answer: Dear L.: When adult children venture out into the world on their own, all bets are off in my experience. They make choices that often don’t make sense to us and we are often left with our own unfulfilled expectations.
We can get stuck in trying to find a “why?” when there isn’t one. We “clutter it up with logic” and are honestly perplexed as well as deeply hurt.
One of my sons saw me as evil incarnate and proceeded to blame me for everything that went wrong in his adult life. The other son thinks I walk on water and often gives me credit for his successes. Neither description of me is accurate and they came from the same home. Go figure.
Please come over to my Web-forum at www.WiseWomenUnite.com . We have formed a community there that focuses on issues with adult children and extended families. You might find it supportive. Blessings, Luise