Question: Dear Luise: I m 26 yrs old . i m pursuing my Phd degree. My best friend for 2 years in the same lab now stopped talking with me after a fight. It started when I felt like he is not giving any priority to me over his other buddies . He always said I m very close to him and we both used to hang out all time even weekends . But suddenly he tells me that he could not sacrifice his time for me because he wanna graduate . But he still hangs our with other people and when u ask him if he had time for them , he says I don’t mingle with his other friends. He even said I m no more closer than his other friends and that everyone is same . He still says I m a good friend to him but at the same time he says he cannot give special time for me. He accused me that in order for him to make me happy he is sacrificing his happiness . For god sake I never thought I m getting happiness just taking his happiness away. I m very sad , ashamed and very confused by his statement. He no longer calls me , gang out with me but does everything with others infront of me. We both work at same place . He earlier said I m like his brother and I m like his family member . I lost control when he is drifting apart and messaged him badly . Ever since we broke off but I later apologized immediately , he accepted and we moved on with friendship. But after couple of days he started putting me down in front of his other friends. He still days I m his friend but asks me to hang out with him along with his other friends. I m very confused and very sad . I m afraid he will put me down even further down the road if I continue. He says I m posessive and over dependent on him. He is my everything at work and I don’t have any other friends . After we stopped talking even other lab people started to ostracize me by not taking me for lunches or inviting for coffee breaks . I m so single and lonely, now . Please help. K.
Answer: Dear K.: This isn’t a question and answer type of situation. My take is that counseling is indicted. We can’t change others, only ourselves…and sometimes that isn’t very easy, either. You don’t fit in with what your friend expects of you and he doesn’t fit in with what you expect of him. You both want the other to be different than he is.
It sounds like he is more outgoing and secure and you are more of a loner and insecure…but I may be way off on that. I suggest you let him go and that you follow up opn my suggestion regarding counseling to help you learn to fit in better. It will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life to get this handled. Blessings, Luise