Loss of my Mother

Question: Dear Luise: My mother was diagnosed with unoperatable colon cancer December 2011. June 2012. She passed away in my home. I took care of her along with a nurse & at the end hospice. She was 71. She was “everything” to me. I can’t even put into words how deeply, unconditionally how much I loved her. We talked daily & I would see her at least 5 times a week. She was my rock, my best friend, my beautiful mother!! I could not deal with her being gone. The past few months reality has kicked in & I cry so much!!! The loss becomes unbearable to me!! I have always, always been there for her & she lived with me the previous 2 years before her passing because her husband & my step dad passed 2 years prior. Every morning we would have coffee, laugh, go shopping, lunch, everything just about we did together! There is 7 of us kids & I have always been the strong one with everyone in my family. But no one in my family was really a part of her life. Maybe 5 times a year. No one will talk to me or about mom. I have tried & they get angry & don’t want to talk about her. I have NO support! I am married & my husband tells me to get over it & move on! I’m grieving ALONE! It’s getting worse mentally & emotionally!! I have tried talking to different councelors & just not feeling any better at all. I have tried researching support groups in central Florida & can not find any. I am really loosing it!!! I don’t know what to do?? I have lost 6 best friends since the age of 13 & have no good friends. I have one child. A daughter 29 who has been a drug addict for 9 years! Mom helped me cope with her! It’s only a matter of time before I loose her. I can’t bare all this PAIN!!!! K.

Answer: Dear K.: I wrote my mom when she passed on. (I was 28 years old at the time.) I think the hardest thing for many of us is we have no idea what to do with that level of loss. The more I focused on it the larger it became and the more I tried not to focus on it, I got the same result.

The writing thing was not a conscious plan. It started out with my “wailing on paper” because no one else wanted to hear it or understood. (Well, I didn’t, either.) I don’t know if it would help you or not…we’re all so different. I poured out my anger and my hopelessness and my helplessness at first. I really wasn’t writing “to” her…I was more protesting and giving up ever finding a way to go on. After a while, I realized I was addressing her and that was OK because no one saw my rantings. Little be little my writing, which started out as many comments each day, slowed down and I began to tell her what I was doing, not just how I felt. And eventually, she started answering me. No, it was not automatic writing, or voices in my head…there was no “woo-woo factor.” I just knew what she would say back to me and starting adding it to my daily “connecting.”

My mom died 58 years ago…and I still sometimes write to her…and yes, she still writes back. Why not? Love doesn’t die unless we say so. Blessings, Luise

 

One Response to Loss of my Mother

  1. r. February 9, 2013 at 1:20 pm #

    i understand my mother passed 2 years ago i cry every few days and tell her how much i miss her;we must rely on our personal beliefs to give us strength. bless you. sincerly, r

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