Question: Dear Luise: I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half, a year of it we have been living together. He is 30 and I’m 26. We had a voracious sex life until we moved in together. Around this time, I gained about 40 pounds. Our sex life soon began to dwindle after moving in together and gaining the weight. I have brought the issue up of our lack of intimacy on several occasions. The first time, he told me it was my weight but that he loved me but no longer found me appealing. The second time, he told me that sex was too much work after I gained the weight and then he commented about my weight as being a factor in our lack of intimacy. I became very self-conscious during sex and less playful. The third time, it was my weight again. I want to lose the weight but I don’t want to have to go without sex until I lose the weight. Everything else in our relationship is perfect. We love each other immensely and make each other laugh every day. However, not being able to be intimate with my boyfriend hurts me and I want what we once shared to come back. He says he loves me and wants to marry me but I can’t commit to a marriage that will not include sex! What should I do? C.
Answer: Dear C.: Even if you lost the weight overnight, you wouldn’t be able to marry him because you have no idea what your weight might be over the years. People may start out slim but they don’t all end up that way.
I don’t see this as being about weight at all. To me it looks like superficiality and immaturity and I think you need to go back to the drawing board. Do some growing up on your own and work on your weight if you want to…but just for yourself, not for someone else. (Have you seen a doctor? That’s an awful lot to gain in a short period of time.)
And then look for a guy with deeper values. I have never seen marriage vows that said, “Until death or a forty pound weight gain us do part.” Blessings, Luise