How Can I Live With This Loss?

Question: Hi Luise: I am in need of some guidance. I’m reeling from my mate recently leaving me and from the death of my mother at almost the same time. I just don’t know where to turn or how to go on. Will my love return to me and will I find peace? Shirley T.

Answer: Dear Shirley: I don’t have the foggiest idea. Beware of anyone who tells you they do. No one leads a life that is without loss. It just “ain’t gonna happen”. Parents leave and, unfortunately, so, at times, do loved ones. I’m not saying it isn’t hard. It’s awful! The point is that it’s part of life and you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. When your Mom’s not there to be kind to you, and your love isn’t, either, it’s time to learn how to be very kind to yourself. What sooths you? What make you feel secure? Can you think of things that aren’t harmful, that you can give to yourself as you go through the healing process? I can’t tell you what they are, but you know.

Some people plan a trip. Some go to more movies than usual. Some buy themselves something special…and others may invite company to visit. What would be the most helpful for you? All of the above? None? Would joining a group help …maybe a group sharing grief counseling or a church group…like a choir? What? It’s time to look closely at where you can find peace and joy beyond the sources you have lost. Look within yourself for it. Beyond that, find ways to give some of that love to someone else who needs it. Such acts take you past the temptation to get stuck in self-pity. Can you write to a soldier in Asia or visit a nursing home? Make a list of possibilities. Everyone you meet on the street has faced loss and lived through it. It may feel like this is an isolated occurrence that has targeted you alone, but that’s simply not true. We’re all in it with with you. Blessings, Luise

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