Live-apart Marriage

Question: Dear Luise: I am thinking about entering into a long distance relationship. Correction, I am in a long-distance relationship and am thinking about getting married, moving to another state and commuting to work back here. Do such arrangements ever work in the long run? I read about Hollywood stars doing this, but we are not exotic, public figures…far from it. If I decide to take the leap, what would be your advice? Linda J.

Answer: Dear Linda: Surely you know that some people make this work. Yet, whether it will work for you or not is an open question. Both of you have to be very secure and very loyal to live this way on a permanent basis. Often, you just don’t know how strong you are until you are tested,

Marriage can be hard when everything is in your favor. People who live and work in the same town and have no such obstacles to conquer can fail. You also know that.

What’s really changing? It would be wise to ask yourselves that? What do you see the formal commitment offering you and asking of you?

I would say that there is probably no other way to check it out except to check it out. There’s no crystal ball. If either of you is even a little jealous, you don’t have a chance of putting this kind of strain on your relationship and sustaining it. If you both feel strong, and want to be tested…do it.

One thing that can cause serious problems is fatigue. You can’t work and travel back and forth and not become weary. You will need some weekends when you stay alone and just recharge, and you will need some weekends when your husband comes to you.

Talk about this and see what you can come up with as a prototype. Be willing, both of you, to modify your plan as you get an idea about how it feels to put it into action. A blueprint is one thing. A building is something else. Look for flaws and brainstorm on how to improve your result.

Your greatest asset is communication. Without it you’re doomed, with it, all things are possible. Blessings, Luise

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