Question: Dear Luise: My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, good years at that, but I have always questioned him in my mind. He didn’t know that but one day when we were hanging out, he left the room and left his phone. I decided to be nosy and go through it and found some texts messages about a girl he used to work with that I now work with. It was a conversation between him and his guy friend about how hot she was, and my boyfriend said that when he worked with her, while we were still together, that he almost got with her. So I decided to confront him and asked my coworker. She told me how he would flirt with her and ask her if her boy friend, would take her out to eat and he said that the things he didn’t do for her, he would. She told him that she loved her boyfriend and wasn’t interested. We talked about it but I don’t know if I am making he right decision to be with him. I love him so much and we have a good relationship but it hurts to know that he could talk to another girl this way and act as if I don’t exist. I understand that flirting can be almost innocent sometimes but he knew what he was doing. He told me that he was sorry and has made stupid mistakes but wants to be with me and loves me and says that he has never taken it past his cheating in the ways I found out about. What should I do? M.
Answer: Dear M.: Well, your nosiness has gotten you into a mess, hasn’t it? And yet… you probably needed to know that your guy has been less that loyal…even if he’s been faithful.
This is about trust and I can get that you feel he has shown he is not trustworthy. You have said that you have always felt uneasy. How will you ever feel comfortable with him after this? Forgiving him will restore peace but do you think anything can restore trust, once it is broken? And how is he ever going to feel relaxed with you again, either, when he now knows you were always uncomfortable and felt justified in checking up on him?
There is no perfect guy out there. And where would he find the perfect girl that deserved him? What you have to decide is where your own comfort level lies with his imperfection. I once tried to adjust to an totally unfaithful partner. He begged for a second chance and I gave it to him but I just couldn’t pull it off. I had never doubted him before and I couldn’t stop doubting him afterward.
My point is that some of us are able to go on after this kind of thing happens while others can’t or won’t. It depends on you. Blessings, Luise