Question: Dear Luise: I am a little lost. I have been in a relationship for a little over three years now. A good relationship, I think. Up until the last 3 or 4 months we were great together. Ok here is my immediate issue. I don’t know if he is still happy with me. I don’t know if I am happy sometimes either. We live together (a year and a half now) and that seems to be the only reason we really spend time together. It also seems to me that the only time he wants to go do stuff is when I have other things to do. But that’s just the beginning. We don’t really talk about the future. We used to. And when I want to talk about issues we are having (or I’m having) it’s like “I don’t want to argue.” He doesn’t realize there’s a difference. And then I think sometimes he can’t possibly be happy with me. He always say’s he’s tired (therefore grumpy), but he can turn it off for anybody else. If he’s always tired or not feeling good with me, how do I know that it’s not me. Please help. C.
Answer: Dr. C. I am not the person to ask, he is…and he won’t discuss anything with you. Guessing what he is thinking and feeling is a lost cause. You are having enough trouble trying to figure your self out.
It’s true that a satisfactory, long-term, live-in relationship that is going somewhere isn’t always supportive of both people being happy. That’s not realistic. But it should be a place both people want to be…and a place where anything that comes up for either person can be openly discussed.
For whatever reason, your relationship isn’t working and if you don’t talk, there’s no way to improve on the situation. His behavior is the only message you are getting from him and that is not about you…it’s about him. His actions don’t sound to me like he has what he wants any longer. You moved in together because you had some chemistry and some plans, right?
All you can do is to tell him that if he refuses to talk to you, (discuss it, not fight,) you have to interpret what is going on, (and not going on,) between the two of you from his attitude. Unless he offers something else to factor in, tell him it’s your decision to move on and free him up to find what brings him joy. You need that, too. I’m sure he used to make your heart sing. Blessings, Luise