Question: Dear Luise: I am a 20 year-old female and in a sexless relationship. We are engaged and living together. We are also buying a house but haven’t closed. I feel uncertain with our relationship because we have no physical relationship. It is not him. He has a desire, but I just don’t. He is attractive and an all-around great guy, but I feel nothing during the act and absolutely no desire to have sex. I do fantasize about sex… just not with him. I love him, I really do, but I don’t know if I can overcome this obstacle. He blames my “hormones”…and I blame his inability to please me…when we become frustrated with the situation. (I know it’s horrible.) We have been together for a long time and I can count on one hand the times I have enjoyed sex. HELP!! R.
Answer: Dear R. You are 20 and you have been together a long time? That’s sad. It seems to me that at 20 you should still have it all ahead of you but then I’m from the generation before the generation before the generation…
You have three options I can think of. The first one is to go ahead and get the house, stay together and fight about what you can’t seem to change. The second is to see if working with a counselor can shed any light on what’s going on sexually and how it might be resolved. (Somewhere along the way you must have gotten off on the wrong foot.) And the last is to go your separate ways. Unfortunately, none of these options would be easy.
The really tough thing about fantasy is that most every-day guys can’t live up to our pictures of the Prince and what he might offer us. And if we are totally honest, most of us don’t fit the Princess ideal, either. We all have limitations, hang-ups and short suits that have to be factored into our relationships on both sides.
Relationships between very young adults don’t have the benefit of the maturity we hope will come our way later on. Some of us have it to start out with but a lot of us, and I am including myself here, don’t get a handle on how to cope with what life throws our way, (or we bring into it), until after we hit 40. Yet long before that…we get married, have kids, buy houses and paint ourselves into corners!
You are still single and without children, right? Can you find a way to back up, slow down and put your focus on enjoying being young while you are? Yes, lessons will still come your way but maybe not right now…and/or maybe not such big ones. Blessings, Luise