Mother-in law vs. Daughter-in-law

Question: Dear Luise: This is an embarrassing question, but I feel pretty alone with the problem and would like some help with it. My son has a mate/life-partner that I can’t stand. I think she took a dislike to me before I did to her, but it is clearly mutual. Do you have any words of wisdom about how to keep from losing my relationship with my son? I’m so sad. Mary Z.

Answer: Dear Mary: This is not unusual, since we don’t get to pick our kid’s mates. I have been there and know how awful it can feel.

His choice has been made, the die is cast and you are stuck with her. You need to get that loud and clear. You can’t change her and you can’t change his mind. I spent a lot of useless energy many years ago not really getting that.

I think I would watch to see what, if anything, works and focus on that. By that I mean, are large gatherings better than one-on-ones…does it work at all to be alone with her as opposed to being with both of them…is there some need that you can fill that would make you part of their reality, (like house-sitting while they are away, etc.)?

If it is possible to do so, talk with them separately about this. Ask your son if he can think of any way it would work and then ask her the same thing. It is wise to call it what it is, (well, choose your words carefully, of course), and to let both of them know that you want what will work best for everyone.

Sometimes, as in my case, the daughter-in-law feels so insecure about the old and very strong bond between mother and son, that she declares war, sight unseen. Sometimes the mother-in-law does that because she feels threatened and sometimes, unfortunately, there is just poor chemistry.

Whatever it is, you are a caring person to write to me about it and a great deal can come out of quietly caring…even from a distance. Blessings, Luise

269 Responses to Mother-in law vs. Daughter-in-law

  1. Linda Ham May 9, 2006 at 8:52 am #

    I have the same problem. No matter what I do, I can’t change what I can’t change. I just have to accept the way things are now. Good Luck, Linda

  2. Mary Lou March 25, 2007 at 5:19 pm #

    Hello,
    I am just a new grandmother of 8 days now. I am living in an anxious state. My son’s girlfriend for whatever reason doesn’t like me. I am kind, offer my services, buy her gifts, do kind gestures, etc…everything to show that I accept her and want to be friends. She is nothing but rude and somewhat antagonistic towards me. I am totally frustrated. My son doesn’t see her rudeness and sometimes makes excuses for the behaviour. Now with my granddaughter here I have this nagging feeling that I am going to be cut off from seeing her. I am totally helpless in this situation and I am trying my best to keep my chin up.
    Any suggestions or comments?
    Mary Lou

  3. Luise April 13, 2007 at 9:52 am #

    Answer: Dear Linda and Mary Lou: I think the hardest part of this kind of situation is getting that it isn’t your fault. You’re not causing it and you can’t fix it…(especially that part.) We feel helpless, (yes, I’ve been there), because we are. If possible, it looks to me like the harder we try, the more we are disliked and excluded. If jealousy and/or insecurity are at the bottom of it, that makes some kind of convoluted sense. We’re supposed to look bad…not good. We have to turn in another direction, no matter how hard that is and back off. Things may change and they may not but we have to find a way to a fuller life. When one a door is closed…it’s not the end because there are other doors. No not that one, and that hurts terribly…but life isn’t over. Blessings, Luise

  4. Susan November 15, 2007 at 5:27 am #

    Good Morning to all You Ladies. This is so nice to find others in the same situation as I am.. My son married Sept 22nd, 2007. My DAUGHTER-IN-LAW IS AWFUL! She is self centered, controlling, spoiled, high maintenance and has to have it all, now. Sure they both have good jobs but why the extravagant WEDDING? The Cinderella story with0 5 bridesmaids, flower girl, and 2 ring bearers? It was beautiful but all we heard was how much it cost and how much went to waste because people didn’t show for dinner. Well, it sure wasn’t a success from our side.. no one was invited. People were all from her side. Then there was HONEYMOON. Oh, btw, they lived together 3 yrs before being married. Just before they got married they bought a 5-bedroom home…very nice …in a prestige area. Then there was the wedding, then the honeymoon to Mexico, and then coming back. I babysat there dog and I have not seen them since wedding day. I’ve seen them down the street and wrote a email asking why they can go there and not here. Answer was they are still on their HONEYMOON! Say what? All they did was get married, legalized everything and she took on my sons last name. Well, she took offence to this and there is no backing down. It’s one thing after another. I am on a disability, so I get frowned on. Her family has tons of money. My son has money but I don’t ask him for anything. So, I think having me at wedding was just for show. She told me she has had to force my son to have a relationship with me. I am very hurt by this. I don’t know what he sees in her. OMG, she is a holy terror… a mouthy one and I can’t handle her. I am having a very hard time dealing with this. They have both turned their backs on me now and neither is speaking to me. I have done nothing wrong. She exaggerates to my son. She whines and says they discussed it and they are not having relationship with me any longer. So, now she has taken my son from me. I feel so alone and I am missing my son. Wasn’t this bad when they lived together. It has all changed since they got married. Please help me and give me some advice. Sue

  5. Luise November 16, 2007 at 8:08 pm #

    Dear Sue: You gave her an opening by complaining about they’re not dropping by…that’s all she needed.
    Sometimes sons have a terrible time trying to jugle their old love, (mom), and their new love. The new one often looks a lot better. And sometimes a wife doesn’t want to share her guy with another woman, any woman. There are a lot of really difficult dynamics going on in many cases. I have “been there and done that” and know that it’s no fun. Blessings, Luise

  6. Freddie March 3, 2008 at 7:53 am #

    Hi, all.
    I happened to find your website and comment page regarding this matter, mother-in-law versus daughter-in-law. I don’t know whether this is the right place to post my feelings, but, what the hell. I’m in the same boat as all of you, except, I’m the one in the middle – the son stuck and torn between my mother (family) and my wife. I think that it’s just chemistry and a balance that needs to be made. Sometimes I feel so tired trying to juggle both sides. I understand where both sides are coming from, but, I wish life could be much easier. Freddie

  7. Luise March 3, 2008 at 10:54 am #

    Answer: Dear F.: Yup, this is the place. Well put and I can imagine how that feels. Finding loved ones who want to share and cooperate apparently isn’t an easy task. Blessings, Luise

  8. C. April 16, 2008 at 12:42 pm #

    Hi there!

    I happen to be on the other side: I´m the daughter-in-law to an awful woman 🙁 I always tried to be nice and respectful, she disrespected me, my family and my home, and I kept calm and nice, until I lost it: I have a 5 month old son and she´s trying to take him over! She even grabbed him from my arms and said to him: “Come to mommy.” (As if she was my son´s mommy). Well, I let it pass. My husband told her to be careful and not to do this. She did it again, now we don´t speak to her anymore and she has no access to our son. Tomorrow I´ll be celebrating 4 happy months without her. After knowing this disgusting person, I even started thinking all mother-in-laws are awful people, and I was sad because I have a baby son. One day I also will become a mother-in-law and have a daughter-in-law. But fortunately my sister got married 3 months before the birth of my baby boy, and her mother-in-law is a gentle, kind, respectful lady, who my sister really loves, and who became a true friend of mine. I refer to as “Auntie”. Now I have an example of a nice mother-in-law to follow, and one day I hope I will be a nice, respectful mother-in-law like my sister´s, and hope I find a nice daughter-in-law too!!! C.

  9. Luise April 16, 2008 at 3:42 pm #

    Answer: Dear C. I guess each one of us is what we are and we take that with us to our different roles in life. It’s hard to understand…isn’t it?Everything would go so much smoother without all the drama. Blessings, Luise

  10. Daughter-In-Law April 28, 2008 at 2:29 pm #

    I am the daughter in law to be. Not yet married and there is MORE drama than I ever could have imagined. She is possessive and it is almost incest like. Asking her son if he loves her more than he loves me RIGHT in front of ME. Of coarse he said his mom, because she is the one who gave birth. But he also said it is a different kind of love. She said this SEVERAL times before I finally told her, I hope your son loves you more than me, after all you are his mother and will be forever. She also has tried to put me down and complain to her son about me. In doing this, it stresses HIM out a heck of a lot more than it does me. I can avoid her, but it is pretty hard for HIM to avoid her.

    My point in writing this is: your son chooses the woman he wants to marry for a reason. Being his mother, you should respect his decision. He chose her for a reason, maybe reasons you will never understand, but that is HIS decision. Don’t make your daughter in law’s life a living hell, because all that will happen is you will lose your son. Trying to welcome her into your family is the best thing for your relationship with your son and don’t bring him into it so he can be the middle man. Because really, is fighting with your daughter in law REALLY worth risking YOUR very own son?!?! I mean this in two ways, 1) he may choose to not have a relationship with you because it causes more trouble than it is worth and 2) you may end up causing heart failure on the poor guy (which is what I’M afraid of!!)

    Just think of your son and the repercussions it may cause for him.

    Best of Luck to All 🙂

  11. Luise April 28, 2008 at 2:53 pm #

    Thank you so much. Wise words! Blessings, Luise

  12. L. May 12, 2008 at 7:42 am #

    Hi, I am a mother-in-law. (I HATE BEING A MOTHER-IN-LAW!) What a bad wrap. It has been a surprising, disappointing and unpredictable experience. I only have one child. His father was killed in an accident when he was five years old. I had him when I was eighteen. It was always me and him against the world. I never had any trouble with my son. He was a pure joy to raise. He started changing when he started dating her. They were married a couple of years ago when everything started changing. She points out any fault I might have to him and he tells me about it. It’s like he talks down to me now. I have bent over backwards to treat her like a daughter. I take her to lunch (not him.) I haven’t done anything one on one with him since he got involved with her. He’s not interested. She is unresponsive to anything warm I might do towards her. Doesn’t even thank me for birthday gifts. I am thinking about moving to another state. My son has never disappointed me until now. I am starting to believe they are acting like spoiled brats and I need to stop giving them so much. My son is trying to be a man. I think she teases him about being moma’s boy. He is nicer to my husband than me. He asks him to do things but I get left out of everything. The wedding – I was completly left out and I was his mom and dad while he was growing up. She is very jealous of me I know. I have never said anything. I did send her a e-mail and told her she could come to me with anything at anytime that WE WERE FAMILY and that she could call me by my first name; she didn’t have to call me “Mrs.”, now she dosen’t call me anything! No response. Talk about growing pains! Is there something here God is trying to teach me? I definatly get “everything is not about me”. She is pregnant now; any advice so I don’t mess that up. I’m just tired of walking on egg shells. It really hurts. I cry a lot. I feel like I could lose my son. It’s just not fair. I’m his mother. Thanks for listening, L.

  13. Luise May 12, 2008 at 9:09 am #

    Answer: Dear L. It isn’t you and because that is true there is very little you can do about it. Your son appears to be overwhelmed with his transition into manhood, husbandhood and very soon, fatherhood. He doesn’t know how to factor his past into his present and as you can tell from reading this link, it is a very common struggle. Keep your balance as best you can, focus elsewhere as much as possible, and ride it out. It will turn out however it does no matter what you do. They are trying to start a new family unit and simply don’t know where to put you. It is sometimes easier for an immature, young-adult to abandon the “leftover” person rather than try to find a place for him/her. Not a pleasant description but one your son might use. He had one close female in his life when he was growing up and now he has another one and doesn’t know what to do with the obsolete model. His wife’s insecurity promotes the either/or concept. Hang on to your dignity, and when you can…pass on the tears. They promote self-pity and that takes you backward instead of forward. Of course it hurts and of course it’s not fair but you are alive and well and still have a life. For the time being and probably the forseeable future, do your best to expand your interests and let go of him in every way that you can except in your heart. Moving on sounds impossible, but it’s not…it’s what’s next for you. Blessings, Luise

  14. A. June 12, 2008 at 3:03 pm #

    I think we should all face the truth that when our sons become adults they will eventually start a family on their own and move on to a new life with their wives and kids. Mother-in-laws need to realize what their limits are. Sometimes nice offerings could cause unwelcome feedback. A.

  15. Luise June 12, 2008 at 3:22 pm #

    Sometimes but not always. Often a tough call. Wise lady! Blessings, Luise

  16. Kathy June 16, 2008 at 5:36 pm #

    I have a similar problem, but somewhat different. My daughter has chosen her mother in law to be her close friend/mother figure and that hurts so bad that being left out of her life has overtaken me. She tells me that I need to “get over it and move on and accept her relationship with her MIL, but since she barely has time for me and I rarely see the 2 kids because I work, she tells me now that I don’t see them enough.
    Her MIL quit her job to babysit full time and now my daughter has quit her job to be a full time mom and her MIL still comes there everyday because she can’t bear to spend a day without them. It has been this way for about 9 years since they have been together, so I have accepted it but since she chose not to even acknowledge me on Mother’s Day that hurt my feelings so badly that I have not been able to even speak to her since then because if I say one wrong thing, I am sure I will be regretting that for the rest of my life. To me no one is a jealous/obsessive person unless someone makes you feel that way. I am only trying to protect myself from being hurt, so how do I cope with the heartache of not seeing the kids and trying to “move forward and not deal with anything in the past-just get over it?” There are many complicated things involved of course as there always is, but I am just trying to heed to her demands that I need to get over it and move on because “it is what it is.” Why would she even care if I am in her kids or her life, she has everything she needs from her husband’s side of the family. Our son in law does not care of us, so that puts her in a position to chose. Not a good place to be. I just don’t know how to make this all go away like she wants to do. Not sure my feelings make much difference to her. I have searched and searched all kinds of web sites trying to find out if anyone else has this kind of problem, but cannot seem to find any answers. It’s been a month and my heart aches and I cry at least 2-3 times a day. Seems like time helps a bit, but the heartache doesn’t go away. Please help with some advice. I feel so helpless. Thank you

  17. M. August 10, 2008 at 7:46 pm #

    I am a mother-in-law. I read the comment from Luise regarding giving the daughter-in-law a reason to lash back. I have had my one and only daughter-in-law for about 7 years. It has been the most difficult relationship of my life. My son met her during a very low point of his life. She rescued him and helped out with you friendship. When I first met her, she made a comment I will never forget: “He talks to me. I understand him and know him,” (she had just met him.) I had a bad feeling from that day. As it turns out he got her pregnant…. long story short, I lost 4 months of my grandson’s life. I was punished from seeing him for a comment she did not like. Eventually I was allowed to see him. I have always lived with the fear of saying the wrong thing, the fear of loosing my grandson, the fear of loosing my son. things seemed to get better, as long as I was careful. Now there is a second grandson. SHe has allowed me to care for them, see them, babysit, spend time with them. When she calls, I run. I only do this for my grandsons. I love them so much. I always have my son in mind, not saying anything regarding his wife. She is disrespectful to my husband, foul language, self centered, just difficult. She has made it clear to my husband and I that she does not want anyone to come to her home unanounced. that she does not pick up the phone unless she want to, but you better be nice to her. I have allowed her to make me feel controlled. One thing I forgot, for the last 5 to 6 years her relationship with her mom was a little rocky, she would see her, but did not take the boys to her much.. The last year has changed, she is now doing well with her mom, they are attending church together. Her mother does not work like me and can watch the boys when she needs. rebonding with a sister that may help her. I know that she is pushing me away. I feel she does not need me anymore. What happens next, was probably inveitable. Now I have made another comments she did not like. I asked her if I could watch the boys on a particular day since I was on vacation (and she knew). she said, no, my mother is watching them. I found myself asking her twice again, second time “begging”, please let me watch the boys. The answer was no, my mom is watching them. She is also their grandmother and wants to see them. I have seen very little interest in her part since the boys were born (now 7 and 5). What can I say I’m hurt.
    She immediately called my son at work and cried, that I am pushy and that I am bothering her. The next thing I had a visit form my son. That he does not want trouble in his marriage. He works hard and does not want to get calls like that from his wife. He came to see if I was okay. I think she sent him to put in in line. I cannot say to my son how I really feel about her, I told him his wife comes fist and I have no intention of causing problems in their marriage. I never call her to bother her. I wait for her to call me on her time. She invites me to come see the kids. I have tried to be careful, but now I messed up again.
    My son said not to make the boys first in my life. that I should be okay to see them when I see them. Now I feel I cannot call to see how they are or anything. Just wait.. She is getting what she wants..I am so depressed and sad, but I see I am not alone. what should I do, back off completely, not say a word, just nod and be nice like always to protect the little I have left? M.

  18. Luise August 11, 2008 at 1:10 pm #

    Dear M. Being misunderstood and undervalued is so terribly painful. You are doing your best and you always have. Blessings, Luise

  19. M. August 29, 2008 at 11:51 am #

    I hurt beyond measure over the way my daughter-in-law treats me and my husband. We love to have our 12 year-old granddaughter come over night to have fun with us but my daughter-in-law always feels she and our son need to be there part of the time. She feels left out. We do tell them we will plan a time we can all do something. She still has to get angry and our granddaughter sees this and has become upset. can you help? Thanks. M

  20. Luise August 30, 2008 at 8:04 am #

    Sometimes people grow tall, marry and have children without growing up. It sounds like your daughter-in-law wants to be your little girl or your best friend and is jealous of the attention you give her daughter. It’s sometimes easier to like a child than an adult. Adults often have more baggage. If you can start thinking of your daughter-in-law as “needy”, you may be able to come up with some workable solutions. Perhaps special times just with her and maybe even special treats for your son and daughter-in-law when your granddaughter is with you on an overnight. This will take some inventiveness and patience but it could pay off big time. Blessings, Luise

  21. Z. September 18, 2008 at 11:56 am #

    My mother in law told me shortly after my baby was born that it made her want to have another baby. She proceeded to call my baby her baby and is begging to take care of the baby. When my baby cries and she is holding him I go to take him to console him, feed him or check his diaper, she comments that I am taking him away from her. I feel that this is my time to be a mother and I love taking care of my baby. She feels like this is her time to relive being the mother of a little baby, trying to take those precious moments away from me. Its really hard, because I am a nice person and she is trying to bully me into having me do whatever she dictates. I feel like I am the parent and I need to be strong for the best needs of my child and myself. I think that MILs need to give their children their space to enjoy their new families and to call on them when they are needed and to not force themselves. They had their time to be mothers and now it is the daughters turn. It’s time for them to step out of the limelight and be the third wheel and be okay if they are not needed and okay with it if they are. Z.

  22. Luise September 18, 2008 at 12:23 pm #

    Very well put. Thank you. Blessings, Luise

  23. M. October 26, 2008 at 4:23 pm #

    My girlfriend treats my mother so badly. My mom hates her so much.

  24. Luise November 9, 2008 at 2:19 pm #

    Dear M. That’s a tough situation. Are you sure she’s the girl for you? (If it weren’t for your Mom, you wouldn’t be around to be her boyfriend.) You have the right to expect your girlfriend to be courteous toward your Mom and respectful. Don’t put up with anything less. And your Mom needs to learn to tolerate her once she cleans up her act. You are all adults. Neither woman has to like the other but abuse and hate have no place in any family. They both love you. They need to go the “extra mile” because of that. Blessings, Luise

  25. J. December 5, 2008 at 8:20 am #

    I have to say I have read a lot of the posts here by MILs and I find it very hard to believe that they are all angels the way they claim to be. I am a DIL and I know that I have been very good to my MIL. She has been to me in her own ways as well, however she has also done plenty to hurt me–and she doesn’t feel she has done anything wrong and says that out loud. So how can two people feel so wronged when both feel they have done their best? Perhaps because there are always three sides to the story. Nobody is perfect and mothers just cannot let go of their children. I feel that says more about who they are and less about who their DILs are. If we are healthy, introspective individuals, then there is no need for the amount of negative energy and time put into finding fault with your son’s wife or in what they choose to do with their lives. You should, instead, be proud that you raised your son to be a man who wants to put his energy into a hopefully loving and long-lasting marriage–which are not as common as they once used to be. I feel for all of you and feel my own pain in my situation. I wish I knew what I was getting into before I said, “I do.” J.

  26. Luise December 5, 2008 at 9:16 am #

    Dear J. That was very thoughtfully and fairly presented. Perspective is everything, isn’t it? We don’t hear, of course, from the people who have healthy relationships; mothers who are more than happy to let their sons go and DILs who fit in comfortably. I’m sure there are a lot of them. And you’re right, when we say “I do” with misty eyes focused on our hopes and dreams, very few of us realize that we are marrying a family. We take along all of our “baggage”, known and unknown, because we can’t put it down and so does our mate. Then it is added to the existing dynamics. New dynamics can’t help but surface. Not an easy life-assignment on one hand but a great place to learn and grow on the other. Blessings, Luise

  27. M. #1 December 8, 2008 at 2:30 pm #

    Well, I’ve had 2 sons get married in one year. One DIL is wonderful – the other is horribly dependent. She’s educated but very insecure. I have totally stayed out of their lives unless they invite me in – and occasionally it happens – less now – than before they got married. I think she talks to her mom – because her mom has been a little cool also. She’s agressive, has to win at everything – and it’s not just me…. my son’s friends approach me – because she’s always causing some kind of scene when she doesn’t get her way. Everyone is frustrated but no one wants to say anything to my son as everyone knows, they will lose his frendship…. but we are all very frustrated. She has told me that “she doesn’t get along with women” and apparently she’s right – because all of her friends are my son’s and they tolerate her because they like him. She and I have had no disagreements – or if there is one – it’s very mild and I succumb and eventually – will smile and agree – I don’t say anything. I greet her warmly, treat her well – but I know slowly but surely, I’m losing my son. How do you control body language??? I’ve released him a long time ago; he’s independent, educated and has been with her for a few years…. but since they’ve been married, I see the reigns being pulled in very tightly – I feel like he’s choking – but he must like it. He’s very affectionate but I also know (through friends) that he better be or she creates a scene – it has to be 150% all the time. How do I cope with this? I really have hardly any relationship with my son anymore….We got through wedding plans with NO problems at all – because I let them do everything and never made a suggestion – just agreed with everything they wanted to do. I always wanted to have a daughter-in-law since I have no girls…. my other daughter-in-law is absolutely wonderful – great relationship – sense of humor – embraces the family and I hers – it’s wonderful…. but the girls come from very different backgrounds. How do I deal with this extremely competitive person? – I really don’t ‘want to win’….it’s not about that….She has gotton mouthy with ‘comments’ to me that were uncalled for – and my son turns his deaf ear – BUT… if I ever retorted – his hearing would become acute…… so I ignore it – and when she leaves – I feel horrible. I never say anything because it really doesn’t matter. All I would do is give her ammunition. I’ve had people approach me in awe that they’re together because she’s so “rough around the edges” – not my words….we’re just very frustrated. M.

  28. M. #2 December 8, 2008 at 8:32 pm #

    Dear Luise: My MIL telephoned my husband in the first year of our marriage and scolded him about his visiting my parents. As a newlyweds, we thought we could make it our ‘couple’s resolution’ to visit our folks regularly, spending two days at his folks’ place and then two days at my folks place once a month.

    That phone call was terrible. My husband was hurt and depressed. It was also the one and only call MIL has ever made to my husband since he left home to work in the city. My MIL believes that being ‘the elder’ she should receive calls from my husband and not the other way around.

    Things became worse when MIL decides to shout at me in public whenever she’s upset about something. I kept quiet for a long time seeing she’s an older lady and has gone through a lot in her own life. I figured she must be just finding life hard to cope with and is just letting off steam.

    However, one day when my parents were visiting me, MIL shouts at me again. This time in front of my folks and in public. The public tongue lashing stunned, shocked and hurt my parents. I saw the pain in their faces. Something awoke in me that day. I became so angry I couldn’t even speak.

    I decided my MIL had no right to continue to treat me this way. I stopped speaking to her and I stopped visiting her. When I told my husband my decision, he said, ‘Good. That’s what I’ve been telling you all this time. You should’ve listened to me.’

    My MIL has two sons. She favors her other son and tells him in front of everybody how ‘clever, good-looking and wonderful’ he is and says my husband is ‘ugly’ and ‘not as bright as his brother.’

    I’m trying very hard not to hate my MIL but it’s not working. I feel very sad, depressed and lonely. Now her favorite son is writing nasty emails to us. He also phones and calls us terrible names. I wish this would all stop. My husband is as distressed as I am because relatives keep saying ‘children should honor their parents’ and insisting we visit MIL. M. #2

  29. Luise December 10, 2008 at 12:07 pm #

    Dear M #1: You are doing exactly what I would suggest. There is no other course of action that I know of that wouldn’t blow things sky high. As the years go by, your grief at the “loss” of your son may diminish. I see it as a kind of death. The son you raised and loved is no longer available to you. Rejoice that this didn’t happen twice because it does sometimes. He’s an adult. What he’s learning from all of this is anyone’s guess. What you don’t have to learn, because you know it already, is that we do our job and then it’s up to them. He may need you in the future or he may keep his head in the sand. There’s no telling. And he probably doesn’t have a clue about your heartbreak. Good for you. It wouldn’t change a thing and he already has more than enough stress. Blessings, Luise

  30. Luise December 10, 2008 at 12:27 pm #

    Dear M. #2. You can’t please everyone so you may want to listen to your husband and your parents and let it go at that. For what it’s worth, I think elders should earn respect. Your MIL has not given you any cause to respect her…and age just isn’t enough. Let her know that you want to have her in your life but only if she really enjoys being there and brings joy to the two of you. Tell her other son the same thing. You and your husband aren’t anyone’s punching bag. When you are given respect it will be easy to return it. Otherwise, seek self-respect by keeping your distance. Blessings, Luise

  31. E. December 27, 2008 at 2:56 pm #

    FROM A READER: HERE ARE THE STEPS THE DAUGHTER IN LAW PUTS IN PLACE FOR THE SEPARATION OF MOTHER AND SON:

    Stage One

    This first stage should be called, laying the groundwork. You think everything is fine and you are completely unaware that the ultimate goal of the DIL is to separate your son from his family and friends. After all, brainwashing takes time and your son has to be convinced that he had the worse parents and upbringing in the world. She will start by tell him that his sister or brother was really the favorite in the family. She will make him think that he was picked on or didn’t have what his friends had. At this point, anything that your son brings up is used as a weapon to convince him of the terrible family he has.

    Stage Two

    You will start to see less of your son. The DIL will not let him out of her sight and will follow his every move. If he had friends, he doesn’t now. The only friends he has now are her friends. He is now seeing her family more than he sees his and if you call him, you are calling too much, and if you don’t, you don’t care or are not interested in whatever it is that they are doing. At this stage, you may start to see some anger toward you from your DIL. Your son doesn’t speak up to defend you because he now is starting to see things through her eyes. Maybe she is right and you, the son’s parents, really are bad.

    Stage Three

    This is where you are confronted with the issue; it’s the all out, knock down fight, or the call in the middle of the night telling you how bad you are. She has finally convinced your son that you are no good and you hate her. Even though you have done everything you can think of to get on her good side nothing you do is right. You know her likes and dislikes, yet you continue to do things that she doesn’t like. At this stage, you are walking on eggshells and anything you do is criticized.

    Stage Four

    You feel like you’re the worse parents in the world. She has finally convinced you that you are the problem. You feel so bad and the guilt is overwhelming. You are probably grandparents at this stage and not only has your DIL alienated your son from you, you are starting to see the same thing happening with your grandchildren. By this time, if your son had siblings, they and their families are no longer speaking to your son and DIL. You are just hanging on because you really want to be a part of your grandchildren’s lives.

    Stage Five

    Your DIL has finally convinced your son that they need to move. She may use the excuse that jobs or schools are better in the new location. Her ultimate goal to have your son all to herself has almost been realized and she is just waiting to deliver the final blow. Any and everything you do or don’t do will be use as ammunition to deliver the deathblow, i.e. complete separation.

    If you have a DILFH, please know that you are not alone and it is not your fault. It has taken a long time and we are still not over the pain. Reconciliation is probably not an option if you have gone through all five stages. You may have even gone through Stage Three a number of times at this point. I suppose that some type of family counseling may help. If anyone has gone through this type of problem and has sought counseling, I would love to hear the outcome.

  32. M. January 3, 2009 at 8:22 am #

    Dear E, Are you sure we don’t have the same DIL? We have 2 daughters and a son. We gt along fabulously with our SIL. My son has been married to this girl for 12 yrs. They just had their 4th child and first boy. It all started with the wedding invitations when my son asked us to be a part of the planing and what did we want. My answer was we’d like our names on the invitation. We had beeen married for 33 years and I thought it would be ice. Our daughters also included both sets of parents names on the invite. Well it didn’t happen and since then there has always been a difference in communication. The most recent event happened at an event when my granddaughters asked me who Aunt A was? m and I said it was J’s mom, (my daughter) They said well mommy and daddy says she is mean to them. Can you imagine how i felt when I had heard that? They had shared this type of info with my granddaughters? Since that time, my grandson was born and I have not seen him yet because I am so upset with the two of them. From the past two years whenever they have had family celebrations for the girls birthdays, my youngest daughter has not been invited. She has excluded our family from everything and always includes her family and extended family and friends. Not one of my daughters are godparents to their kids. My son is a godparent to my oldest daughters child. I have not heard from my son in 2 months because he is mad that we have not been up to see the baby. I don’t go alone because I don’t feel comfortable and I have been at the end of her “poker” before. In the past 5 months I have only seen my eldest granddaughter at a soccer game. My other grand children are regular visitors and I babysit with them a great deal. My DIL’s father died a year ago and you’d think that she would realize how short life is. We (my husband and daughters have always been kind to her.) We know she is sensitive and she really gets mad when we don’t check with her first about something. I’m talking about when at her house, I must ask her where the juice is, not my son.The only good thing about this Christmas was I didn’t have to watch the rolling of the eyes and watch every word we say in case she would interpret something differently. Anyway. I could go on and on. My son’s birthday is 1/9. I will probably send a card and a gift card, but she usually intercepts all emails and probably mail also. Neither of them have acknowledged my birthday for the last two years. People I have spoken to have all agreed to let it go and don’t slam the door, but shut it (meaning that if they want to open it they can.) It is difficult because I had a great relationship with my MIL and I still do with my sister-in-law. M.

  33. Luise January 3, 2009 at 11:59 am #

    Dear M. I think you are doing very well in a trying situation. Family dynamics can get more and more complicated as people are added to the mix and you have to adapt to them and them to you. There is no easy solution because you can’t select your childrens spouses and even if you could, all bets are off, due to the lack of a crystal ball. Blessings, Luise

  34. E. January 3, 2009 at 9:52 pm #

    In answer to your question, yes, we most likely have the exact same kind of DIL. They are all like this with the few exceptions.

    I will tell you that when you get through the grief of losing your son, the other side of the mountain is easier. It’s just so hard in the in between. They are alive, therefore the grieving stages are longer. E.

  35. L. March 2, 2009 at 9:44 am #

    I have been treated very very disrespectfully by my daughter in law. My son just recently entered into the service, and he is gone to training, so I thought that my daughter in law and I could perhaps go shopping, lunches etc. including my grandson who is still a baby. I would pay for the lunches. My son had been moved around in the barracks several times because he had broken his leg during training, and he had lost our address, so I asked his wife for his address, and was given “I don’t have time to give that to you”, and she even gave my mom (his grandmother) a fake address, so I called the army and received his correct address, so his family could write to him. I was chastised for this by his wife and told “Don’t you ever ever ever do that again!” Now, I raised my son very well, and he was always taken care of and provided for. His wife has moved 6 times since Sept 2008, because she is always asked to leave where she is. I offered her our home, and she said no. Her mother won’t let her live with her and help out at all. I felt sorry for her, so I wanted to help, but she is very very rude to myself and my husband as well as the rest of my family. All I do is pray that someday things change. Any advice? L.

  36. Luise March 4, 2009 at 10:35 am #

    Answer: Dear L. When you offer a helping hand and it is refused, you really can’t do much else. The girl has a long way to go and your son may not even know that. Or he, too, may have work to do. You are right, prayer and time are your allies in this situation. Kids pretending to be adults sometimes learn and grow. I did. She may. Blessings, Luise

  37. T. March 5, 2009 at 11:14 am #

    Hi Everyone, I’m one of those DILs. MIL disliked me the day she met me and there was no way to change her mind. I kissed her butt for some time because I value family and I hoped she’d come around. She did some mean things and never really apologized. She made me look like I had the problem because she wasn’t big enough to own up to her part of the conflict. Her dislike just naturally prejudiced the rest of her family. MIL is a very good woman, she just doesn’t like me. Since she never really admitted to her unkind behavior my husband was angry with me for ‘overreacting.’ Over time I did start to feel bitter and unfortunately I had to convince him that she had been unkind. I have to look after my marriage so this is what I was forced to do. I have no intent of ever separating my husband from his mother. However, being around a family that doesn’t like me for years gets really old. I am making the sacrifice for my husband but I dread the sight of his mother. I took all of this stuff personally for a long time, sometimes it still hurts. MIL does have to admit that I am excellent mother, she does tell me this often. She really tries, but now it is just too late. I understand her, but I can’t undo the damage that her bad attitude caused. Things are tense and strained and actually miserable. This is what happens when people are more attached to being right than being happy. I don’t blame my MIL for disliking me, that was her option. I just think this choice was a horrible waste when we all could have been very happy. T.

    • Luise March 5, 2009 at 11:54 am #

      Answer: Dear T. Believe me you are not one of those daughter-in-laws. It’s too bad she didn’t get the real thing…then she would have had something to complain about. Blessings, Luise

  38. T. March 5, 2009 at 12:27 pm #

    Thanks for the kind words, Luise. I am not one to instantly hate anyone so I don’t get how this happens. I know some wonderful women, many of whom have rocky relationships with their DILS. I wonder how some lovely women can be so misunderstood and I am just convinced it is something about this MIL/DIL dynamic. It is just a nasty combination, I guess. T.

    • Luise March 5, 2009 at 12:40 pm #

      Answer: Dear T. Not always. There are some wonderful stories out there but they usually don’t find their way to my site. My own MIL, circa 1947, was a great friend. I was no prize as a DIL. Not because I was hard to get along with but because I had a great deal to learn at age 21. However, she was understanding, supportive and patient. I’m sure you’re right about the one guy/two women dynamic. It doesn’t have to disintegrate into a hopeless mess but it often does. Blessings, Luise

  39. T. March 5, 2009 at 10:05 pm #

    Dear Luise: You are my kind of lady! I like the way you admit that you were not a prize DIL! I am all about being honest myself because that is the only way to ever correct a problem. I have actually been as nice as I could be considering the treatment I have received. My mistake is that I made a horrible first and second maybe even third impression! Ha ha!! Poor MIL usually can’t see past a first impression as it is.. Oh well. I do think she has figured out that those first impressions can be wrong. I did get the impression that MIL was insanely jealous the first time we met. I couldn’t figure out if she was jealous that her husband liked me or that her son loved me. I was quite a siren in those days. I want to believe the best about MIL, but I just don’t see her as being a loving person. It always seems that she wants her kids to make her look good. She really only wants to hear something that will make her proud. My husband agrees. She did raise some pretty wonderful children so I know she is not all bad. I do come across the same stories over and over again about MILS. I’d love to be enlightened.. What are the major complaints that MILS have about us? T.

    • Luise March 5, 2009 at 10:23 pm #

      Answer: Dear T. All you might want t to know about how DILs are perceived is in the questions on this subject on my site under Parenting, Conflict Resolution, and Values and Beliefs. Basically we have the nasty DILs that declare war on the nice MILs and then we have the nasty MILS who declare war on the nice DILs. Once in a while two of them get together and we get two nasties and no nices. As I mentioned previously, no one writes in when two nices get together. And I agree that first impressions can fry us. The other side of the coin can be lethal, too, when we make such a great impression that we can’t possibly live up to it. Blessings, Luise

  40. T. March 6, 2009 at 12:25 am #

    OK, Well now I will throw you a curve ball. When I married my husband I noticed how rude the entire family was to MIL. I felt bad for her and asked my husband why he was always so disrespectful with his mom. Over time, I figured out the MIL is very argumentative and really pretty self absorbed. Her children felt they had to set up some boundaries with her defensive annoying habits. I think she acts this way to get attention. Some time I would love to tell her that her problem with me just carried over from her son’s decision to ignore everything she says, etc. My husband does NOT want me to talk to her about this because it took him a long time to find a way to ignore all of her behavior. He never asks about her or really thinks of her feelings because of her negative behavior. He is actually at peace with just answering questions and ignoring her opinions. In my heart I just feel that she has an opportunity to have a better relationship with her children, etc. Is it any of my business? Do you think people change anyway? I just don’t think MIL would hear it from me anyway. T.

    • Luise March 6, 2009 at 9:44 am #

      Answer: Dear T. No, it’s none of your business. And you’re right, she wouldn’t hear it from you or probably anyone else. It’s your MIL’s job to learn and grow, or not, at her own pace. If she ever comes to you and asks for you compassion, input and support, that’s something else. In the meantime, our job, each and every one of us, is to see what needs to be attended to within ourselves and get on that. Blessings, Luise

  41. T. March 6, 2009 at 4:17 pm #

    Dear Luise: Thanks for the wise words. I do like the self improvement route better than trying to solve these power trips (I am not blind to my own flaws but they never warranted this kind of passive aggressive nasty stuff.) I don’t focus on changing other people because it is not my place. I have to always assert boundaries whenever MIL is around because she is highly controlling. I do think some people just want to dominate others. I will just need to avoid her and continue to confront her in a kind way when necessary. For now I will go back to focusing on my otherwise wonderful life and wash my hands of mission impossible. You are a great help and bless you, Luise! T.

    • Luise March 6, 2009 at 9:43 pm #

      Answer: Dear T/ You’re welcome, Blessings, Luise

  42. T. March 6, 2009 at 10:52 pm #

    OK. I have never actually posted on a board like this before so I guess I had a lot to say. I just have to share this story because it was just a coincidence. I went to a restaurant with my lovely little family this evening. I saw a young insecure looking woman, she looked absolutely miserable. She was seated with her husband and her MIL! The MIL acted like a nasty piece of work and the DIL seemed to be nervous. So that was the Nice DIL/Nasty MIL combo. Then would you believe I saw the Nasty MIL/ Nasty DIL combo at the next table? I do think the DIL was actually much nastier than the MIL. It was especially ugly to watch because the MIL was elderly. I was horrified to think that if I let the bitterness take over I would turn into that Nasty DIL! T.

    • Luise March 10, 2009 at 9:23 am #

      Dear T. Isn’t it interesting to see what happens when we stop “knowing” and go to observation? Lessons abound! Blessings, Luise

  43. F. March 9, 2009 at 4:40 pm #

    Dear Luise: I need advice please. My wife and I have been together now for 18 years. We have a blended family. She had a son and daughter and I had a son. OUR daughter and oldest son are now married and have given us wonderful grandsons.
    The problem is that my wife does not like our sons choice of mates. This is my bio son. Sure the DIL is spoiled and all that other stuff, but it is breaking my heart not to mention my marriage. The wife never has anything good to say about our son or daughter. She won’t invite them over so I can see my grandson, but will sit on the phone for hours to her daughter and invites them over or watches our daughters son. This is very hard on me. The negative comments and attitude by my wife is making me fall out of love with her. Please help. F.

    • Luise March 10, 2009 at 9:40 am #

      Dear F.: It is so hard to watch negative characteristics surface in a person we think we know well. Your wife is acting in a way that you can’t support and, for good reason, your respect for her is diminishing. You can’t change her and if she doesn’t see that her behavior is reprehensible, the door may closed on the subject. What you can do is be heard. You can tell her that you have no respect for her childish, nasty behavior and that you are going to establish your own relationships with those that she is alienating. Then do it. Visit them in their homes and/or take them out. Let them know you care, deeply. Be careful not to get into any discussions with them about your wife…you know, all of that “he said/she said stuff. It won’t be easy but as a family role model you have a chance to let everyone know how you feel and that you are not a mirror of your wife’s smallness. Blessings, Luise

  44. M. March 18, 2009 at 6:15 am #

    Wait till all you daughter-in-laws are mother-in-laws, lets see what tune you will be singing then. Most of you sound very immature, like spoiled brats. Grow up.

  45. D. March 18, 2009 at 8:55 pm #

    I was thinking the opposite, that the DIL’s speaking on this site seem mature and in my heart, I think if I had one who who had tried, it would have been so much easier.
    I will agree, though, that if they have a son, God help them. He will bring someone in, who he loves and she might very well not like you. You will try your hardest to please her but she might whisper in your son’s ear that his Mother is nuts, psycho, manipulative, needy, narcissistic (this terms kills me) and of course, bordering on incestuous. He will begin to view you as she tells him to view you. It will break your heart. Her Mother (very curious!!) will be just perfect. D.

  46. Luise March 18, 2009 at 9:04 pm #

    Truth be told, we can get people who seem to enjoy stirring things up on either side of the fence. And once in a while we get both of them doing it at the same time! Ouch!! Blessings, Luise

  47. M. March 19, 2009 at 5:13 am #

    MY DIL will not allow us any “one on one” time with our grandchildren unless we are babysitting and it suits her purpose. We have tried everything. We kiss her butt, because we are so afraid that she will not let us see them at all. She does this to her own mother. They have fights and don’t speak for months. She feels she has to control every aspect of her children, and husbands lives. We are not allowed to buy them anything without her permission. We feel that we are not able to enjoy these beautiful children because of her attitude. Can you tell me why she thinks she has something to prove. I totally know that she is the mother. I do not want to steal her children away form her, I just want to love them and be a grandmother. It breaks my heart. I cry all the time. I am at the point now that I am considering walking away. This action will tear my heart out but I feel I have no other choice. I don’t sleep at night. Every time she does something nice, I know there will be a high price to pay for her niceness, another knife will be thrown at my heart. We have always supported my DIL and son in every way we could. Money, time, anything. She does not appreciate it. I babysit for free, they can’t afford daycare. I have been doing this for years, before they started school, and in summer when they are out of school, and I’ve never gotten a thank-you of any kind. Only grief. It is not always the MIL who is nasty. I have never done to my MIL, what my DIL has done to me. My MIL is my husbands MOTHER. She must have done something right, after all I did marry her son. I love my husband and didn’t want to cause undo stress to him. Conflict between DIL’s and MIL”S hurts their husbands, (our sons). Why is the MIL always told to back off? Because I know my DIL will never change, and I don’t want to cause undo stress to my son. I’m so tired, my heart is broken. M.

    • Luise March 19, 2009 at 11:04 am #

      Dear M. We are never going to be able to figure out the whys. We just have to face what we’re stuck with. Please think long and hard about disconnecting. Any time with the kids may be better than no time with them. Yes, you are being exploited but the children profit from having you in their lives. We back away because it’s a survival technique but we are still important in the overview, whether seen as such or not. Cherish your time with them, if that if possible. See if you can share your loving heart in a daycare for needy children or something like that. You are a wonderful woman. Blessings, Luise

  48. D March 19, 2009 at 12:03 pm #

    I just had to say, “I’m so sorry,”M”. My heart goes out to you. I hope it’s okay to say that here. I would like to relay a story that happened to a friend of mine. She was overjoyed when she heard she was becoming a Grandmother. I’ve never seen anyone so happy. She was so excited and when the day came, of course she wasn’t invited to come to the hospital. She thought that would be okay because she’d see the baby at his home. Time came and time went and finally they told her she could come to see her first Grandchild. She was very excited, to say the least. She ran in and burst out: “oh!!!!! My baby! My Baby!!” That did it. She has never been allowed to see that child, her only Grandchild ever again. He’s 10 years old. This is the kind of people only Mother’s of sons have to deal with today. I guess all of us who have to deal with the DIL’s are the only ones who really know how much that hurts. Sometimes it would have been kinder to have been shot dead at the wedding. D.

    • Luise March 19, 2009 at 12:12 pm #

      Thanks for sharing, (and caring), D. Obviously that’s not a very viable solution but it may feel like it at times. Blessings, Luise

  49. M. March 20, 2009 at 4:32 am #

    My DIL shut me totally out of my first grandchild’s life for 3 weeks after he was born. I too was very exited about my first grandchild. She tells us to mind our own business when they spend money unnecessarily , but come to us every time they are financially in trouble. If they come to us for money, does that not make it our business? We have bailed them out several times, costing thousands of dollars. If we keep it up we will have no money for our own lives when we retire. We keep giving them money because we want our grandchildren in our lives, but it is becoming increasingly harder as we have less & less of it to give. If the money runs out will we have access to our grandchildren? Our future looks pretty bleak, no money & no grandchildren. So even if we don’t walk away we will probably lose them anyway. M.

  50. D March 20, 2009 at 5:18 am #

    Dear M: I can tell you what happened to us with one of the DIL’s and our son. They used us, mainly me, for years to babysit, dogsit for days, hours of jumping hoops if she looked tired. Being there for them though out each sad or happy incidences in their lives. Now, they can afford a babysitter, a pet sitter and overall ‘bailout firms'” so they have no need for us anymore. Although our help often didn’t come in doled out money, it was spent in time and very hard work. There were times when we put off anything we wanted to do to meet their needs. The money we spent of taking the grandchildren to movies would shock you, not to mention to candy and goodies they were used to getting there. I hope you’re not being used but we were. D.

  51. M. March 20, 2009 at 8:19 am #

    We are not allowed to take our grandkids to movies. No “one on one” time unless we are babysitting. When we are babysitting we have to stay home, no taking our grandchildren anywhere!!! We spend tons of time with them because I am the care giver. We do drop everything to run to them when they call. I feel we are not allowed to do anything with them because our DIL thinks we should not have fun with our grandchildren. She told me “I am the mother, it’s my turn to have fun with my kids.” Why can’t we all have fun with the kids? M.

  52. Luise March 24, 2009 at 1:18 pm #

    Dear M. Since your daughter-in-law is making up these very unfair rules, you are going to have to outsmart her. Figure out ways to have fun when you are with the kids. Create “fun times” with special games, in-house picnics; whatever your imagination can come up with and see to it that they find it to be great fun to be around you. Not from a competitive point of view but from your heart and soul. They will remember it and talk about you long after they forget the movies and outings. Probably long after they are fully grown. And they will probably be better grandparents because of you. Blessings, Luise

  53. M, March 25, 2009 at 6:51 am #

    Thank-you for the wonderful advice. My DIL has all kinds of reasons that I shouldn’t do anything with my grandkids; we can’t finger paint because they might ingest some, I use all non toxic things when playing with my grandkids, we can’t make cookies because I am not allowed to give them treats, or they might get burned. I take all safety precautions when dealing with 2 of the most precious people in my life. Anything I do with my grandchildren she finds fault with. I try to ignore all her negative comments, but it still hurts. I have raised my own kids, plus babysat several others, took all my nieces and nephews on weekends on several occasions and volunteered in the school system almost every day when my kids were in school. Does my DIL think I’m incapable of safely looking after my grandkids? I just don’t understand her. My husband works full time so he misses out on a lot. Since were are not allowed to take them out he hardly gets to see them. He feels robbed again. He missed out on a lot of his own kids lives because of work, so he was hoping that with our grandkids we would be able to spend some time in the evening or on weekends. Even when our grandkids want to go with us, and my DIL is at work, she won’t allow us to spend time with them, even though it does not take away from her time because she is at work anyway. I am at a loss as to what we should do. I think it’s going to be a long difficult road.

    • Luise March 25, 2009 at 7:17 am #

      This is the person your son chose. That’s how she is and she may never change. The up side is that those same wonderful grandkids wouldn’t be in your life were it not for her. Because of her fears, (yes, they’re probably what motivate her), you are probably right about the long haul. But…can you imagine life without them? The more creative you can get and the less you keep score, the more your grandkids will enjoy being with you no matter what you are doing. And your husband may want to alter how he spends his vacation and take separate days to be home when the kids are there. Outsmart her with love!!

  54. D, March 25, 2009 at 9:10 pm #

    Oh! Bless You, Kirk!!! Thank you so much! We need a place to share our hearts. Many Thanks!! D.

  55. L. March 30, 2009 at 1:00 pm #

    Dear Luise: Me and my son were always close. He’s married to a good girl. They have 2 boys. Two years ago he had an affair with a not so good girl and had a son. We are no longer close but I do support my DIL. They are separated right now. He leads a secret life. We don’t know where he lives in town or a phone number. He sees his kids at my house periodically. How can I get this family back together. We have all be through hell because of my sons actions and this girls persistence with my son. I’m so sad. L.

    • Luise March 30, 2009 at 1:49 pm #

      Dear L. You are doing a lot more than most of us would. Good for you. Your son is making his own choices and you can’t fix that. You can continue to love him and you can always be open to his reversing his present approach to life…whatever that is. Blessings, Luise

  56. M. April 1, 2009 at 11:11 am #

    Finding this site was a God send. I have been a MIL for a few years but have just recently become a Grandma. I raised my son a single mom for the most part, and thought we had a really good relationship. I have always enjoyed and gotten along with his friends and former girlfriends…….and than along came Sally (fictitious name). I truly feel like I have never been treated like this by anyone but maybe an abusive boyfriend or obnoxious boss. She talks to me in a condescending demeaning way. Like most of you I have broken my butt trying to help them in every way possible, financially, physically, and mentally. I do get “Thank You’s” especially from my son. I was overjoyed at the prospect of becoming a Nana, it gave my life new meaning (or so I thought). Guess I imagined I would be treated like I treated my own mom as Nana. Who knew I could do nothing right. It is as if she is holding a precious commodity over my head (like breathing or life itself). They have twins (boy/girl). Haven’t felt that much love in a long time. I am allowed to help with the grands in their presence or when someone else is available to help too since there are two of them. It is becoming apparent that I will not be entitled to watch either one alone as she now tells me they cannot be separated. They are planning on moving back with her parents for a while and I see that I will be the odd man out. Depression set in last night, as it seems another memorable event in my life will be met upon with disappointment and unnecessary grief. Oh well. M.

  57. D. April 1, 2009 at 1:51 pm #

    Dear M.: We’re all together here. All your feelings we’ve all felt. That’s why this site is so wonderful! Finally a place to bond. No one in the world knows what heartbreak is until they are the Mother of a son who marries. I’d like to know why this happens to us and how who raised these girl/women? Mostly, I wonder if it happens to others too but they don’t communicate it. Sometimes you feel so alone!! We’ve all been right where you are.
    Many blessings!!! D.

  58. M. April 1, 2009 at 4:15 pm #

    Thank you Luise for your response. Yes, I do feel less alone. I also feel a little naive, because this whole scenario just never entered my mind…well, before he met her that is. I am a hopeful person but hopefully not one who “lives with hope and dies in despair”. I still believe that my intentions are good, but, maybe I too can improve. If there is no solution towards gaining my DIL’s affections than I will have to accept what I cannot change. What I think hurts the most is that as a Grand my time may be limited and I would like to make the most of it. So, like you said I will try to be creative in giving my love…with whatever quality time I am afforded. Again, thank you so much for your caring. M.

  59. T. April 2, 2009 at 6:39 am #

    To M., I appreciate your comment about my immaturity. Since you read my story, I’d love to hear your suggestions about how I can be a better DIL. T.

  60. D April 2, 2009 at 3:54 pm #

    Dear “T”, I hope you will understand that we are dealing with not just broken hearts but shattered ones. That little boy of ours who grew up? He is a wonderful man who loves his wife. We have been chased from message board to message board and told we’re narcissists, needy, manipulive and drama queens. We’ve been banned for life (they love that term) from websites where we were only trying to understand what in the world is going on with young women of today! We are not perfect, not in the least, far from it. We wanted a family, to be part of a family, that’s all. I’m more than sure that there are horrible MIL’s out there, just as there are equally horrible DIL’s. We don’t understand the new rules of today. Boundaries? We never heard of such a thing. We only knew courtesy and treating others like we’d want to be treated. I’m glad new ideas have come along; we can always learn. We deserve to be heard too. We’re not dead yet. We have to live the rest of our lives not knowing what we did. I’d admit it if I knew what I ever did. No Mother deserves to be thrown out like garbage, especially a Mother who raised your husband to be the kind of man you’d want to marry. Just have patience with us while we learn. Would you throw your Mother away? How would you feel in 15 years if you did throw her away because your Husband made you look at her for all her faults. I would suspect you’d resent it. D.

  61. T. April 2, 2009 at 6:31 pm #

    D., First off, I am really sorry for that loss! Did you ask your DIL what you did? If so, what did she say? Boundaries are not a bad thing. I did not pay enough attention to them in the beginning and that is where I went wrong. T.

  62. D. April 2, 2009 at 7:00 pm #

    To T.: I can tell you mean it, “T” and I appreciate it. I’ve never met such a kind hearted appearing person on the surface. She is soft spoken and beautiful. Underneath, though, is a cruel person who will use anyone, anywhere to get what she wants. There is not enough space to explain how she used my husband and me “UP”. When you see beneath her, there’s no turning back. It’s fruitless to try to explain. D.

  63. T. April 2, 2009 at 9:37 pm #

    To D,: I do mean it, because I know about losing loved ones. When you said your life was shattered by this loss I had a little more compassion for my MIL, so thanks for that. I will tell you my bias, it is not against MILS. It is against women with emotions running amok and zero awareness. If people would just be brave enough to really look at their own faults and apologize, we would all be much happier. I do know that people usually get angry when they are afraid of something. My MIL is angry because she wants to be part of our lives. I will have to keep her at an arm’s length because she just about caused me to divorce my husband. I think we all can just make the decision to add or subtract something from each other. I think making an effort to be a blessing to others is really our only option. Here is a hug D! Good Night! T.

  64. D. April 3, 2009 at 6:20 am #

    To T.: I appreciate your hug, I really do. Your husband’s Mother wants to be a part of your lives and she’s angry? I guess she would be angry. I think you said she was mean to you. “T”….she shouldn’t have done that but you know that your husband will do whatever you let him do. He will withdraw from his Mother too. No amount of counseling or anti-depressant pills, no trying to understand what is going on will ever make her act according to your wishes. She most likely doesn’t know what she’s done. Maybe she does and does it deliberately, I don’t know. You can’t imagine what estrangement from your child, even though he’s a man does to a Mother. Maybe she shows it through anger. I don’t let it show at all but inside, I just want to die. One night, he was telling me off on the phone and in the background I heard him cover the phone and yell for guidance from her on what to say next. All the things I ever told her because I thought we were friends, he repeated to me to show me my character flaws. She stored up everything I told her to use at just the right time. How stupid am I? One weekend, when they were going away, I told them I couldn’t keep the kids. My husband and I were going away for the weekend. This infuriated her and she retaliated by keeping the kids from me. We have no family. Daughters in law will destroy your life if you cross them. Mine has destroyed my life and taken my child, who loved us with her. She would not allow her husband to destroy her Mother’s life. Never. Her Mother is always perfect. D.

    • Luise April 3, 2009 at 8:33 am #

      Dear D. and T.: Hang in there, our Forum is progressing. I know this kind of exchange on my website is difficult.

      Creating our new site and format is time consuming…the programming, the graphics, the learning curve, the expense…and my webmaster has a ton of other stuff on his plate, of course. When I get a launch time frame, I’ll let you know. Until then, this site is available and “sort of” works. Thank you again, Donna, for realizing there was a big hole in the web that needed to be filled. We’re on it.

      Our circumstances are different and yet there is love at the core of each one of us. The desire to share it helps us put one foot ahead of the other. In your frustration and pain, always remember how wonderful you are. Others don’t decide that or take it away, it’s a given. Blessings, Luise

  65. T. April 3, 2009 at 11:54 am #

    To D.: My husband does NOT do whatever I ask him to do. He has a mind of his own. Over the years, I have regularly asked him to visit his mother. He feels NO obligation to deal with her control issues or please her. He even accuses me of guilting him into spending time with his parents. MIL’s strategy for getting attention makes people run in the opposite direction. I understand her pain, but I can hardly stand to look at her at this point. One day we wake up and the people we have loved over the years are gone. Both of my parents died some time ago, so I am not in the habit of taking anyone for granted. However, I do understand that life is short and unfortunately some family members are not worth the trouble. I will promise you D, that I will think of your story the next time I have to see MIL. It does give me more compassion for her negative behavior. Thanks to you and the Lovely Luise.T.

  66. D. April 3, 2009 at 4:30 pm #

    To T.: You’re welcome, T. “no obligation to his Mother”. Those words cut me to the core. No obligation? If he doesn’t love his Mother, I guess there’s no need for you to try to get him to visit her. Believe me, we can feel the lack of love so, no visit is better. I think staying away from her is for the best. What a tragedy. She must be really bad. I can’t imagine staying away from the wonderful lady who raised me! Nothing could keep me away if she was alive, nothing! Was she “passive agressive”? yes, she was. We knew nothing about that then but she gave me all she had to give and due to the fact that I have a heart, I would have never not visited her or cared about her or called her. I would have ‘wheel barrowed’ over anybody, including my Husband if he ever hurt her. I did the same for him. His Mother was not the kind of person you’d love to sit and chat with, believe me. She was not like me at all. She used her little control issues then, although I didn’t know what was going on at the time. She was his Mother, that’s all that mattered. I knew that my husband loved her and there was no way, no matter what she did, that could make me treat her otherwise. She wasn’t toxic or manipulative or narcissistic, although today, she’d be called that. She’s dead. Am I sorry I didn’t throw her out for her controlling ways? No, I’m not. Times have changed; people have become expendable. What will become of the next generation after seeing how little it takes to be thrown away? We’re not getting better; we’ve lost the unique ingredient that made us human. Life ends and when it does for any of us, the regrets we have will be the thing we will last remember. The happiness we brought to others will be what will makes life end in peace. D.

    • Luise April 3, 2009 at 4:37 pm #

      To T and D.: I am so touched by your dialogue. It brought me to tears. Blessings, Luise

  67. T. April 3, 2009 at 9:32 pm #

    To D.: From your tone you sound as if you are angry with me. I know it is not a happy fact that some sons don’t spend any time worrying about family relationships. So the women clean up the messes and serve as targets. Maybe this does not apply to you and your son. But if it does, you have some hope of making this situation better. If my MIL could talk to my husband it would solve so many problems for us all. She is just too proud to admit her mistakes, and he is done trying. I have reached the conclusion that my MIL doesn’t think it is unkind when she spreads her gossip, it is just her way. She made it impossible for me to be part of her extended family with that little habit. Now after years of her dismissals, snipes, and subtle put downs, I have grown tired. I do still sit through those family gatherings as the pariah, and I conjure up the best attitude possible. When MIL never bothered to learn a thing about who I was on the inside and decided I was not good enough for her little boy- that was all well and good. But now that years have passed and I have readily admitted my flaws, I figure MIL has to live with the consequences of her disapproval. I have given my life to the service of others because I just happen to love people. I don’t remember the last time I didn’t like a person until now. I love my husband and children with all my heart, and we are the happiest family I know. I cared for dying family members and went through actual hell with them for years. It was a true honor to take care of them in their time of need. I would have been happy to care for my MIL in her later years too, but I have no happy memories in which to draw from with her. The things MIL has said to humiliate me on a regular basis are just staggering. I went out of my way to be loving for years because I understood that her own children did not pay attention to her. Her children went out of their way to indulge the other matrons in their extended family, just not their own mother. I did not understand their attitude for some time, but I do now. If our generation can identify guilt trips, passive aggressive behavior, and narcissism that is a not a bad thing. Being aware of people’s faults is not bad, as long as we take the same hard look at ourselves. If you are willing to put your anger aside, you might learn something from our generation D. Seriously, we are not all bad! T.

    • Luise April 3, 2009 at 9:44 pm #

      To D. and T.: We can have very similar feelings while dealing with very different situations. And it’s very easy when getting acquainted to misunderstand. A lot of very(s). And yet we are connecting, and that’s beautiful. Blessings, Luise

    • Luise April 3, 2009 at 9:48 pm #

      To T. You added a note to me: “Luise, you touch my heart. I think it is wonderful that you are online contributing your talents.” Thank you so much. In answer to that, I would like to say that it’s a true privilege to be useful and expanding at age 82, instead of feeling useless and contracting. Blessings, Luise

  68. T April 4, 2009 at 7:30 am #

    Luise,
    Children do want to know that their parents and grandparents are living life to the fullest. I think you make turning 82 look pretty fun.
    T

    • Luise April 4, 2009 at 8:35 am #

      To T.: That’s true…I am having a great time. I’m learning caregiving, (my husband will be 98 in October), and it changes every day. I’m also learning to interact on the Internet and I see that changing, too, with my Forum. Learning is probably the key to having fun for me. Blessings, Luise

  69. D. April 4, 2009 at 7:53 am #

    To T.: I re-read my post and I did sound angry; I am angry. It’s not at you but at the fact that nothing is good enough for families anymore. Every flaw is pointed out and pounced on. All my funny ways (to other people) are used against me now by my son and his wife. I saw her one night, whisper, “look at your Mother” in a disgusted way after I had made a funny comment. I realize that this funny comment might have been not funny to her but just remember that when they were dating the comments were hilarious to her. There is a reason they are treating us the way they are. I know there is. The times I asked our son what it was he ran and told her and she called me on the phone to tell me that I was putting a guilt trip on him and how dare I. One time, his brother’s child was in the hospital, an infant. He never called his brother to check on him. When he did call, he said, “do you know what the current Mortgage rate is?” His brother’s wife told me that he (his brother) cried after that call. I made the mistake of getting our son alone and telling him that his brother cried. He ran out of our house and his wife called me….”how dare you put a guilt trip on him!” How do you talk to people now? How do you deal with a situation like this without seeming like we’re putting a guilt trip on? His brother’s child was so ill that the Dr.’s thought it was Leukemia (sp). I’m trying to learn. You can never talk to your son again, ever, without it being turned around. I’d never have children again if I could re-wind life. It hurts too much. D.

  70. T. April 4, 2009 at 8:07 am #

    OK D., I hear you. That little derisive whisper about you when you were just having fun is indicative of the Nasty DIL/Nice MIL scenario that Luise described earlier. It doesn’t sound like the DIL is going to allow for any joy. She does sound like a nasty piece of work. Your son will figure out eventually. T.

    • Luise April 4, 2009 at 8:41 am #

      To D. and T.: What I’m “hearing” is compassion. What a blessed sound. Heart-to-heart caring. Thank you. blessings, Luise

  71. T. April 4, 2009 at 9:04 am #

    Luise, Hearing D’s story is really eye opening. I always think that DILS and MILS misunderstand each other. However, that kind of mean spirited behavior is undeniable.
    BTW, I know the caregiving is really tough, I hope you have some support. But isn’t is a really good feeling to look in the mirror and be proud of the face you see because you have made loving choices? T.

    • Luise April 4, 2009 at 2:03 pm #

      Luise To T.: It helps to do what you do so well, which is to ask and to listen. We can get so stuck in our own perspectives otherwise. And, yes, caregiving is an opportunity to grow, isn’t it? Blessings, Luise

  72. D. April 4, 2009 at 10:06 am #

    She can’t be all bad. She has precious children, my grandchildren. My son loves her dearly but there is no room for us. I can see why he loves her. She is beyond beautiful and guides him in his thinking. It has become abundantly clear that they are both selfish. She was the only child in her family and all things done were solely for her. In fact, if you don’t cater to her, that’s when you get in trouble. It’s hopeless. Fifteen years is a long time to carry around a broken heart. D.

  73. T April 4, 2009 at 11:17 am #

    D,
    My MIL snubbed her own MIL for years. History repeats itself. Not because I love revenge, but unpleasant people create unhappy situations for themselves. Sometimes you just can’t save someone from herself. You have a lot of love to give. What are you going to do to mend your broken heart?
    T

  74. D April 4, 2009 at 11:23 am #

    I don’t know what I’m going to do. She has daughters so since that doesn’t happen to Mother’s of girls, I can’t wait around for the tide to turn. I feel like a spinning top. I must be a survivor because I have survived a lot in my life and am still standing. I think I need to think about what I’m going to do to mend it. I don’t want to lose my sense of humor, which is what people loved about me. I’ve allowed her to make me act like someone I don’t know. (yes, I know that no one can make you do anything, but you know what I mean)

  75. T April 4, 2009 at 11:41 am #

    So is she really just spoiled or did she want to be your friend at one time? Does her own mother influence her in a good way? T.

  76. D. April 4, 2009 at 12:13 pm #

    She was using me. No, she didn’t want to be my friend, just gather information for future use. Her Mother did whatever was necessary for her to be happy. Her Mother did influence all aspects of her life. VERY CONTROLLING. We spoiled our son too. He’s just as bad but once had a heart. I do not think she possesses one. D.

  77. T. April 4, 2009 at 12:19 pm #

    Then why do you want to be around that mess? Can you give them space and put all of your love into the grandchildren? Are you allowed to babysit? T.

  78. D. April 4, 2009 at 12:48 pm #

    They were all we had in this world. We just wanted a family and fell for every little crumb they would throw us. It’s pitiful. Oh yes, we’re allowed to babysit….but it’s not the same when you are just being used. The Grandchildren are growing and we’re not needed. When you get nothing in return it’s hard to beg. I don’t mean the Grandchildren, I mean the parents…they never come here. If there is any visiting, we go there. It’s so embarrassing to see my friends and have them know that we’re not wanted. They are wanted by their kids. There’s no doubt about it, we’ve done something wrong here. My husband hates for me to say that. It makes him mad. Apathy is the opposite of love. It’s not hate; it’s apathy and apathy is what we have. D.

  79. T. April 4, 2009 at 4:11 pm #

    Luise, The strain of caregiving does take it’s toll. However, it is a great opportunity to just be thankful for another day of loving. It is so wonderful that your husband will really live his last years with the kindness you offer him everyday. What a gift you are to him. T.

    • Luise April 4, 2009 at 4:20 pm #

      To T. from Luise:: 🙂

  80. T. April 4, 2009 at 4:12 pm #

    To D.: Maybe your DIL knows that you despise her but you feel you have to spend time with her. Do your friends judge you because you are not close to your DIL? T.

  81. D. April 4, 2009 at 4:26 pm #

    D. to T.: My friends are shocked, T. and they worry about me. I think secretly they think that if this could happen to us, it might be coming to their house too. All my friends with daughters tell them to look at us as an example of how not to treat your Husband’s parents. Ours was the home that they all envied. D.

  82. T. April 4, 2009 at 5:09 pm #

    T. to D.: Here is what I see: You want to be around the DIL you despise. You want her to like you to improve your social standing. You miss the days when your friends envied your family. You want your DIL’s affection so you will not be embarrassed around your friends, and you think she is using you? I know that many people in my generation see their parents as superficial. There are some stereotypes about Baby Boomers as always playing office politics. I do not know you, but I can tell you that these are assumptions your DIL might have based on your story. So if she thinks you are operating out of a need to control that might be why. Please tell me why I am wrong here, I am happy to listen. I am interested in what some MILS think because I don’t fully understand my own MIL. There is definitely a generational divide that is perplexing. T.

  83. D. April 4, 2009 at 5:33 pm #

    D. to T.: No, no, no…a thousand times, “no”. Nothing could be further from the truth within my heart, T. It’s not that. My husband and I have no one. We wanted a family. I can see how this last statement of mine might lead you to think that I need that for social standing, I guess. Do you understand that we all want to have a family? I’m going to read what you said over again and if there is a grain of truth, I’ll admit to it. I’ve got to learn! She is a user and for the life of me, I can’t understand why people use people! We don’t need social standing, we have that. We need a caring family to love. The generational divide is perplexing to me too. Sure, it hurts that we’re the ones not loved. I think you can visualize that if you have a son and his spouse does this to you. You’d be devastated. We go around just being ourselves and if you get someone who wants you gone, all the thing you are are pointed out as flaws. If your husband was sick, really sick and in the hospital and you called your DIL, do you think you’d be hurt if she/he didn’t show up? That’s just one of the things that happened. I feel like I’m having to explain myself and I know you don’t know me but I’m not the kind of person you think I am. D.

  84. T. April 4, 2009 at 5:47 pm #

    T. to D.: Generally anyone with a silly streak gets a free pass with me. So I will take your word for it. My MIL is such a pain I sometimes feel as if I am in a sitcom. She is missing out, and now because her friends all like their DILS she has decided that she is my new best friend. It is just a matter of time before she starts acting like my husband’s jealous ex-girlfriend again. I just can not understand the drive to being around people you hate. That’s why this lady is a tramp. ; ) I really wanted to love my MIL and treat her like my own mother. I gave up on the dream for extended family a long time ago. T.

  85. D. April 4, 2009 at 6:18 pm #

    D. to T.: Is there any way you can view it in as a sitcom? Laugh with her? I loved it when my DIL and I use to laugh. Now, what is this “jealous ex-girl friend?”. What the heck? My DIL has my Granddaughters and if she decides to keep them from me, she will. My actions have to be perfect at all times. I have a very quick wit and am hilarious, really, I crack myself up. One friend said, “you can’t NOT be funny; it’s impossible.” Is she the tramp or is my DIL a tramp? If it’s my DIL, I’ll tell you, she is the most high class, beautiful tramp I’ve ever seen. D.

  86. T. April 4, 2009 at 7:28 pm #

    T. to D.: Oh, I was just thinking of the words to the song- “She’d never bothered with people she’d hate, that’s why the lady is a tramp.” I just think there is some merit to avoiding people you hate if they hate you back. MIL does not laugh. She sticks with acting as if she is my husband’s jealous ex girlfriend. (Tired snipes, predictable power plays,etc.) I guess she wants to be a ‘friend’ but if so, her offer is very unattractive. T.

  87. D. April 4, 2009 at 8:04 pm #

    D. To T.: You mean the song by Frank Sinatra? If your MIL doesn’t laugh, I wouldn’t be able to interact with her, I don’t think. My own MIL never laughed either. She only spoke about the weather. Oh Lord! Sometimes she’d venture into subjects like the food we were eating. My family came from “FEELINGS”. So, you can see how odd it all seemed to me. I guess if you stay on topics like food and weather it doesn’t leave much to get you into trouble. I would listen to the weather like it was some kind of Broadway play and agree that it’s been cooler than usual this time of year. I actually was elated when we talked about the food. So many topics to cover! D.

  88. T. April 4, 2009 at 9:23 pm #

    To D. from T.: I was actually speechless when you wrote your last bit. I am pretty sure your husband’s mother has reincarnated as my MIL! My MIL has the same exact standard conversations. I have never met anyone this rigid. I have had my struggles but never was there a more labor intensive relationship in my life! T.

  89. D. April 5, 2009 at 6:18 am #

    D. to T.: Behind all this rigidity is insecurity, deep, deep insecurity. I promise you. Mine never made many friends at all because of it. Your MIL is afraid of closeness…and afraid of rejection so she keeps you at arms length. The little snide remarks are to keep you there. SO SAD!!!! I don’t get the part where she wants to be best friends with you. This doesn’t sound like mine. D.

  90. T. April 5, 2009 at 7:44 am #

    T. to D.: I’m sure she just wants to be part of our family. I tend to be rather bubbly with my kids. My side of the family was all about parties. When MIL is around, the party comes to a screeching halt. I do find it impossible to be jovial around her because she will have a cutting remark at the ready. I have to confront her because I need to set an assertive example for my babies. MIL does not actually want to be best friends with me. She wants to tell her friends that her DIL loves her. I think she wants to be included at all times but she can’t be a constructive part of our marriage. If she suddenly found religion I could hardly stand the sight of her anyway. T.

  91. T. April 5, 2009 at 7:49 am #

    T To D: Why do you say your MIL’s remarks were to keep you at a distance? T.

    • Luise April 5, 2009 at 9:08 am #

      T. to Luise: Thanks for indulging us! I am learning a lot. T.

      Luise to T.: You’re welcome. It’s plain to see how our Forum will expand this kind of exchange. And others will be able to join in, too. I’m really excited that it’s in the works. 🙂 Blessings, Luise

  92. D. April 5, 2009 at 11:06 am #

    D. to T.: I think my own MIL used her rigidity to keep me at a distance for the same reasons that all people do. They are afraid that if you really knew them, their fears, etc., you would reject them. Why do you think your MIL keeps jabbing you with insults? D.

  93. T. April 5, 2009 at 12:22 pm #

    T. to D.: MIL has a highly defensive personality. In the beginning the differences in our culture and our values were the problem. She spent her days looking for my faults so that’s what she sees. She advertised my perceived flaws (all exaggerated) to her relatives. The family takes cracks at me when I least expect it. MIL never had an intention of knowing me, I am merely the conduit for a relationship with her son. At this point, she is on auto pilot and she’s always angry. I think she is sorry that she is missing out on our happy family, but she has to be mean. I think if she ever had to take a look at herself, the mirror would crack. I get the impression that she needs to be perfect just to hold on to a false identity. The questions she asks her daughters and son are always really about her. I have never known her to care about the feelings of her children. It seems that she just really needs them to make her look good in public. T.

  94. D. April 5, 2009 at 2:15 pm #

    D. To T.: She really sounds bad. Saying things about you is terrible. I’m sorry you have to see her but it sounds like she’s such a pain that it matters. If she has daughters it seems like she’d be okay. I thought if people had daughters all would be well. We seem to be the only people on this site who speak to each other! ; ) Are her Daughters and Son good people? Do her daughters feel like you do about her? D.

  95. T. April 5, 2009 at 3:14 pm #

    T. to D.: Thanks D, It has been valuable to hear your ideas. Most of the family does have the same opinion and they deal with (or don’t) as well. The kids have some of the same behaviors but I think they are trying to better themselves. It is interesting that I am the only one who actually cares about her problem. I think I am going to let that go, because it has become quite toxic. I hope you have better luck, D! It sounds like you resent your DIL but you want to care for her. T.

  96. D. April 5, 2009 at 3:38 pm #

    D. to T.: Oh my goodness, I adored her! When it became plain to me that she was using me, it broke my heart. I almost moved mountains to make her happy and she was kind to me. I felt like we were the best of friends, which is what I wanted. She called me every day; it meant so much to me. In these conversations, I told her about the day to day things in my life. Example: I think I told you that one of my friends is boring and I just didn’t enjoy her. I told my DIL that. I told her about some other things, all the while thinking I was speaking to a great friend. Something set her off and I know it’s because I’m so sensitive. I could feel some extreme tension from my son last summer when we were together. We had a talk about it. He later got on the phone and chewed me out for about 2 hours for feeling the wrong thing. She was in the background as he covered the phone to hear further instructions. All the things I had told her, not told him, he brought up saying I had relationship problems and cited my boring friend as an example. I am sensitive, I really am! Oh my gosh! Now, I don’t get to see them. But most of all, it’s because they can afford babysitters now and don’t need me. It has taken a toll on my health. I can’t believe this little boy we loved so much has turned his back on us. He sure loved us, too. D.

  97. T. April 5, 2009 at 4:26 pm #

    T. to D.: What do you think of these possible dynamics? You unwittingly offended your DIL (probably often-I have seen this happen a lot with my aunt and her DIL!) She told your son about it, he had no clue because maybe he is one to not one to understand woman speak. He didn’t stick up for her at first because he just didn’t get it. She resented this betrayal. Your DIL had hormonal problems and feels controlled by her own mother. Her mother could have been jealous of her more loving relationship with you. If DIL needs approval from her own mom still she could be under some pressure. When parents are overly involved in their kid’s families it can be unhealthy. The DIL’s mom may still be influencing her in an unloving way. If your son is like my husband he doesn’t care whose right, he just doesn’t want to hear it! He has to live with his wife and be a father to his kids. He has to take up for his wife because he can’t split up his family by siding with you for any reason. You have to be the target, so I don’t think your son actually betrayed you. He just can’t stick up for you because he has to look out for his kids now. He can’t afford to side with now. Fighting with his wife makes for a miserable life for those grandchildren. The more anger you feel from being left out the bigger the wall between you. They know you are angry, you can’t help but guilt them sometimes. I think the tighter you hold on the more they run away. Maybe you can model a loving example of a mother for your DIL. If she never had that from her own mom, she can learn that love is not about control. Maybe some of these thoughts apply to your situation. T.

  98. D. April 5, 2009 at 5:10 pm #

    D. to T.: I don’t know, T. I’m willing to listen to anything. It seems like with her, if you seem weak, she is worse. You have to be strong around her and I’m not. Not in the least. She seems so very sweet and then, if she is not catered to, will do this very sort of thing. I can’t cater to her forever…I don’t have forever to live. Not that I’m dying or anything but I’m getting older. I’m bound to make mistakes. I’ve always been a listening ear to her and a support until all this happened. Now, I have backed way off when I see that they are not there for us as a family. I probably shouldn’t say this but everyone wanted to be a part of our family. I’m just sorry that I mistook her kindness on the surface as real. It isn’t. I’ll try to do better. I really will. Keep me in your thoughts and I will remember you too. D.

  99. D. April 5, 2009 at 5:18 pm #

    D. to T.: Oh, and one more thing, “T”…the hormonal problems? You know? We most likely had them but didn’t know it but we never were allowed to treat others with disrespect. Does that make sense? No one told us we could be hormonal so we weren’t. (what idiots we were!!!) D.

  100. T. April 5, 2009 at 5:22 pm #

    T. to D.: OK D, Just do one favor for me. Forgive your son and give him a lot of space. He has to choose his children over you, that is the way it should be. No one knows what is going on in that family but I bet your son just wants some peace. When the DIL is angry with you he is not getting that. I’ll think of you warmly, too Ms.D. T.

  101. D. April 5, 2009 at 5:24 pm #

    D. to T.: Okay…I don’t know how much more space we can give. We hardly ever see him. I will, though. You’re right, absolutely. I’ll keep you posted. D.

  102. T. April 5, 2009 at 5:35 pm #

    T. to D.: I really don’t believe that moms were all sweethearts in your day. You even said my MIL sounds awful. I am not saying hormones give people a pass. However, moms do tend to get grouchy because of hormones, little sleep and the messes that their little ones make. I don’t excuse your DIL’s catty behavior at all. I was merely saying that there might be some plausible reasons for your son’s attitude. I do think he is caught in the middle. T

  103. D. April 5, 2009 at 5:51 pm #

    D. to T.: I don’t think all Moms were sweethearts either…just me ; ) D.

  104. M. April 8, 2009 at 8:35 am #

    To all you DIL’s who say you understand your MIL, how can you possibly? You will not truly understand until your son marries and you have your very own DIL. Only then will you know the feeling of terrible loss, greiving for your son, and yet knowing he is still alive. This is the hardest thing I have ever been thro in my life. So all you mother’s of sons, remember, what goes around comes around. I have learned that in this life you get back what you give, good or bad, 10 fold and more. M.

    • Luise April 8, 2009 at 9:07 am #

      Dear M.: I have also seen those who don’t give treated with respect, and those who do, treated with contempt. It isn’t necessarily always fair. Blessings, Luise

  105. D. April 8, 2009 at 8:54 am #

    I don’t know who you are out there but I am so sorry that you have to walk this path!! It is indeed the hardest thing anyone could imagine. It is a phenomenon that only happens to Mothers of sons. In our society, unbenounced to us, it happens. It breaks your heart into a million pieces and only the measured amount of time, reserved only for grieving parents after a child’s death, does it ever get better. You will find nothing but battles with Daughters in law out there. They find no mercy in their hearts for us. Your son will go along with her to keep his home stress free. Your faults will be whispered to him, every flaw, every word you say will be twisted to suit her main intension…and that is to get you out of your son’s life forever. You have a friend in me. I know how you feel. I know I won’t live long enough to see this dished out to my Daughter in law but I know it will be. Knowing that makes it tolerable. I do feel that I want revenge for what has been done to us. Cruelty knows no boundaries. These boundaries are what they live by; they have learned about them in a book, their favorite book. We’re toxic and manipulative and narcissistic, didn’t you know that? Someday, they will have this happen to them and when it does, they will have their Boundaries book for comfort. D.

    • Luise April 8, 2009 at 9:11 am #

      Dear D.: And please remember that it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes it is the reverse and sometimes there is mutual respect and compatibility. My son married twice and I got one of each. Blessings, Luise

  106. M. April 8, 2009 at 9:25 am #

    And wait till that son you are greiving for has kids, and you are a grandmother. Then your DIL can really control you. My DIL is a very controlling person, to the point that my son can’t come to a family function without her. I always try to schedule events when I know she can come, but once in a while another family member will have a gathering that doesn’t jive with her schedule, so my son can’t come, or bring our grandchildren. They have an agreement that they don’t attend family functions if one of them can’t come. My DIL has no family functions because non of her family speak to each other, so my son loses out all the way around on that one. Why do you suppose he would agree to something like that? My son seems “afraid” of her, he’s always saying things like ” I gotta pick up _DIL_____ , he freaks out if he thinks he might be a minute or two late, or __DIL____ said to be here at… What do you think is going on here? I worry so much. I have tried to be nice, I have tried talking to her, nothing works. She has told me that I had my turn and it is her turn now, she told me that I can no longer have Christmas dinner at my house, she will do it from now on, if I insist on having my own dinner, she, my son and our grandchildren will not be there. We have a large family and usually take turns with Christmas dinner, no longer, it is always at her house. She is like a child who takes total control over a toy and refuses to share. Only she’s doing it to people. No one in our family has been able to get close to her. I too told her things when I thought we were friends, that she stored up and uses against me when she sees fit. My son just goes along with whatever she says, because what she says goes, no matter what. I am tired, and I only do what I have to, to continue seeing my precious grandchildren. M.

    • Luise April 8, 2009 at 10:25 am #

      Dear M. and D.: My youngest son was working on a web forum for us because dialoguing here is pretty cumbersome. It was going to to up and running by the end of next week but yesterday his uninsured park model trailer, decks and shed burned to the ground. He only lives here in the summer when it gets too hot in Kauai. I was all he had. Blessings, Luise

  107. D. April 8, 2009 at 10:21 am #

    Sometimes the hurt just spills out. We are supposed to keep all this to ourselves but at times, it’s just impossible. D.

  108. D. April 8, 2009 at 10:28 am #

    To Luise: So sorry, Luise!!! I hate to hear that….Please know that in my heart are many prayers for his heart and yours. D.

    • Luise April 8, 2009 at 3:03 pm #

      To D.: Thank you so much. You have become a dear, e-friend. Blessings, Luise

  109. M. April 12, 2009 at 2:17 pm #

    Dear Luise: I am in my thirties and have been married for over 15 years. My relationship with my MIL was bad from day 1. I am a very sentimental type of person, and value/am sensitive/humane regarding relationships. So with that being said, after my husband and I dated for a couple of weeks, I was excited and nervous to meet his mom. I will never forget the first moment that I met his mom. I was sitting in the living room with him, and she came in and said, “Who are you?”-real abrupt. I think that there are different types of people. I am not quiet, I am friendly and outgoing. I am not rude. My husband’s family speaks their minds, whereas my family can be a little silly and they hug, southern, etc. Anyway, red flags began appearing. Well, first, his parents are divorced. My MIL calls her son, Sonny boy, and her little man. He had explained to me how he had sort of taken over household jobs that his dad used to do-and then after grandpa helped. I didn’t really think to much of it and was impressed with how he loved his mom, and how he knew how to do all of that stuff. Then I noticed that the two of them went out a lot-just the two of them-again, I felt like-this is neat, he is close to her, so he is familiar with women/issues, etc. In other words, I felt that I would be able to talk to him like friends. This was all good. Then my sister got married and made the comment, “Oh that poor mother.” I asked her what she meant and she said that my sister stole her son. I thought that was odd. (Forgot to mention husbands sister moved in with step mom and dad-husband was only child living with MIL). So then I met the family, same thing. I started to feel like I was automatically placed in an opposing position. I began to feel like I was not liked, trusted, and that I was literally not wanted. I began to not want to be around his family-especially his mom. His SMIL treated me totally different and very nice. Offered me a coke, showed me old pictures, etc. I see now-having a son myself. My MIL loves him so much. Well anyway, through the years, I realized that my MIL and I would be bosom buddies if my husband wasn’t between us. The problem is (climax): My husband has slowly and steadily become a later stage alcoholic. She has been in complete denial, and if he lies to her, she completely sides with him. I have never kept my children from her-as nasty an cruel as she has been to me. The reason is that she is there grandma plain and simple-whether I have an issue with her or not. We have both tried in our own ways to get along, but the common problem/distortion is over his alcoholism. This hurts me very badly. She is one of those people who I actually enjoy being around when things are good-but when things are bad-she points the finger at me-and I feel like, What? She made a comment once that went straight through me-“Maybe he drinks because he has to live with you.” I realized that she was upset and that sometimes people say things that they don’t mean-but I truly believe that she feels this way. We have three children 13,7,5. My husband’s drinking one day-and he’s horrible, then the next day he’s father of the year. This frequency has been wearing on me for years. I do not dare talk to my MIL about this because she sides with him, and tells me to leave him if it is that bad. I understand, and I realize that she cannot fix the problem, but it would be nice if she could support me for once due to her grand kids being innocent victims. I have to realize that she simply is not going to see reality in this area-but it hurts. My fear when I become a MIL, is that I will have a DIL who is rough around the edges, and controlling. People like that have gotten the best of me many of times. I am not a jealous person, but I have always wanted my husband to value me like he does everyone else. He doesn’t. I tell myself that it is due to the alcoholism, but I don’t know. If I knew that it was something that I was doing, I would try to fix it, but I just don’t know. I apologize for this being so all over the place-a lot to condense in 15 years. Thank you, M.

    • Luise April 12, 2009 at 9:56 pm #

      Dear M.: I am digesting what you have written and will comment soon. I am holding you in my heart. Blessings, Luise

    • Luise April 14, 2009 at 10:17 am #

      Dear M.: It seems to me that you need support in the multisided situation you are in. You aren’t going to be able to change the spots on the MIL leopard nor can you do that concerning your husband’s issues. What you can do is get counseling for your children and yourself. And have you thought about AlAnon? That’s the first place I would head in trying to understand and cope with an alcoholic partner. You were more than willing to befriend your MIL. Please remember that and acknowledge where the need for supremacy lies. Also, please remember that your husband’s problem wasn’t generated by you. Your needs aren’t being met on many different levels due to circumstances beyond your control and you are doing a marvelous job. Go look in the mirror. Smile at that lady and say, sincerely, “I’m doing a marvelous job!”…because it’s true. Blessings, Luise

  110. T. April 12, 2009 at 9:28 pm #

    My heart goes out to M. and all the above MILS. This is not a pretty topic.

    Luise, that is horrible news about your son. I am so sorry. T.

    • Luise April 12, 2009 at 9:54 pm #

      To T.: Thank you. My son lives out of state, so I have been taking pictures (horrible) for them. (He’s not married but is in a long-term, committed relationship with a marvelous woman.) I’ve been talking with demolition contractors since he has 90 days to clean his lot up. One bid was $6,500. and one was $3,500. with the same net to the contractors… just different ways to do it. As I think I mentioned, he didn’t have insurance, (was going to get around to it) and it was all he had. I learned a lot about post-fire demolition and hope I never have to make use of the knowledge again. Accepted a bid and think I can pull back a bit, now. You can see a picture of my son (and webmaster) on my home page in my bio. Just scroll down to the bottom of the article. Blessings, Luise

  111. Tina April 14, 2009 at 10:38 pm #

    I have never posted a comment on a website but I found this site and was amazed to learn that so many mothers in law are going through similiar situations as mine. I too have a very controlling daughter in law. If you do not play by her rules you are “cut off”, “out of the picture”, etc. I have always had a very close relationship with my son and I knew from the moment I met his future wife that there was going to be problems. Basically she is a bully and everyone must march to her tune or you don’t get to play. I recently did something that she found unforgivable, I called her mom to try to understand something that had happened to my daughter in law when she was younger, and now my son and daughter in law are not speaking to me. The sad thing is they are also keeping me from my only grandchild whom I have babysat and taken care of since her birth, she is now 17 months old. So far I have enjoyed a very special relationship with my grand daughter and it is no secret how much I love her. I asked to see her for a few hours on Easter and was told “no”. I will never get that Easter back, The worst part is I have breast cancer and have been going through chemo. My grand daughter and my son are a huge part of my recovery. To tell you the truth, I don’t even think my daughter in law has a heart, it takes a monster to keep a “Nonie” from her grand child at a time like this. I have been heartbroken for weeks and I know I have to move on but sometimes this is almost more than I can bear. It’s very, very sad. T.

    • Luise April 14, 2009 at 10:44 pm #

      Dear T. Soon we will have a web Forum where we can work together to get us through these situations. We can’t change the behavior of other people but we can support each other in healing of unbearable losses. Blessings, Luise

  112. A. (formerly one of the M's) April 15, 2009 at 9:31 am #

    My DIL does NOT care about anyone but herself. She is certainly not thinking of her kids when she keeps loving grandparents away. I am so tired of being denied access to my grandchildren and my son. My DIL gets angry every time I want to talk to my son. I asked him if we could go to lunch, just the two of us & my DIL flipped out. Short of seeking legal action as far as seeing my grandchildren, what advice can anyone give me to make this situation better. My son can make his own decisions, but my two small grandchildren cannot. They beg their Mom to let them come stay overnight with us, or go places with us, she will not let us take them anywhere. Everything is on her terms. Our family is not like this. We have always shared our childrens time with the whole family, not just grandparents. Is it society that makes our DIL’s selfish, or is it her upbringing. They read so much about do what you feel, don’t let ANYONE tell you what you can & can’t do with their children, some of these girls carry things to extreme. For instance, when an expert says “know where your children are at all times”, they are usually talking about teenagers, not about small children who are out with their grandparents. The girls today can’t figure that out on their own? They twist everything around to suit their purpose. I’m just so tired of the constant battles to see our grandchildren. A.

    • Luise April 15, 2009 at 11:28 am #

      Dear A. The bottom line seems to be that you son chose this woman and as their mother, she calls the shots. He set the whole thing in motion and he maintains it. Their family unit does not have to blend with you son’s family of origin or accept their beliefs and practices. So far as I know, she doesn’t have to fair, reasonable or wise…much the pity. She can enrich her childrens lives or deprive them, at will, unless the neglect become physical. Dark ages stuff. We need our Forum. I’m glad to say the structure of it is progressing. Blessings, Luise

  113. D, April 15, 2009 at 8:59 pm #

    Dear Luise: I honestly think my DIL is a “non human”. I really do. I have less and less respect for our son too. So sad but he is such a stranger to us that it is becoming easier and easier to just put him aside and be an occasional visitor on holidays.

    To try to explain her is fruitless. It’s too complicated. Someone with no heart, no heart, no feelings for others? I have yet to experience anyone who seems so absolutely lovely and kind on the outside, yet cruel beyond words on the inside.

    The one thing that I have had to face is that our son married her so that means that we are to blame for this. He needed this, somehow he needed this.

    We did the best we could to raise him and I make no apology for that. He could not care less about us, it shows and used to kill me. I’m grateful for the relief of a little rest from the grief. It does come and go and sometimes hits me as I wake up in the morning. He never loved us, just used us. That’s hard to live with.

    He is a very successful man, has everything in the world anyone would want. That’s good.

    She loves to hear gossip about other people she knows, their hardships and heartaches. She thrives on it and seems to get much pleasure from it. It elevates her status. I have never heard of anything like that but that’s who and what she is.

    She twists things around to where nothing is ever her fault. She seems terrified of blame. It seems like she’d crack to pieces if the blame was ever squarely on her and there was no way out.

    I have never met anyone like her and I hope I never do again. I’m tender hearted and sensitive so I’ve tried to do all to make her happy. Any time the subject is on her, all is well. If you change the subject to you, she has to go, right now. No time for anyone else.

    She has made it possible for each of her children to get into prime school situations. She is a manipulator that people fall for in a milisecond. They too want to please her. So, the kids are in all the best societal positions available…all due to her. Not because of anything they’ve done.

    I want so much to tell her about our other son’s children who have done remarkable things but I can’t. It would enrage her with jealousy. So I say nothing about them. All focus must be on her and her alone. D.

    • Luise April 15, 2009 at 9:36 pm #

      Dear D.: How incredibly sad. I seems to me that you are describing major pathology. I can’t see how your son’s inability to see through her is your doing. She’s fooled everyone else…why not him? I know when I was put at the mercy of my elder son and his wife, it seemed like some kind of pact they had…so it was very different. They appeared to get a lot out of the “Somebody Done Me Wrong Song” in regards to both of their mothers and fueled each others’ “well documented” mistreatment. They were victims…we were evil. I never got it and I never will. When he died, I had an experience that brought me peace…but he’s gone. My heart goes out to you. Blessings, Luise

  114. M. April 18, 2009 at 6:57 am #

    Dear D: I am the second M who wrote about her alcoholic husband. Your DIL sounds like my SIL. My brother is very successful, and she is an elementary school teacher. Everyone sees her as this tall, slender, wonderful, intelligent person. She has always had a hidden agenda. My family of origin is extremely accepting and loving. She wiggled right in and has caused problems. My brother loves her and has frankly changed through the years being married to her. He used to be fun and loving, too. Now, he is judgmental of others, feels and acts like he’s better, very materialistic, and agressive if he doesn’t get what he wants-or when he is unable to control others/situations. The first time I met my SIL, she was at my other brother’s house-all over (grope) by younger brother-then acts like this innocent angel. To make a long story short, she basically set me up at one time with my brother. My brother and I no longer speak because of her tricky ways and how he reacted to a situation. Ok, I wasn’t going to mention, but here it goes-my parents wanted me to bring my three children on vacation to take some time away from the alcoholic situation. Now, keep in mind that my br.and SIL have been married for a few years and we have all maintained a pretty decent relationship. So in my mind, this is a safe situation, my children get to spend a week at the beach with the family. My older sister also ended up going without her husband, so the bonus was that I didn’t feel like such a third wheel. So here I am, excited as ever. My older sister began having issues with my SIL. I kept trying to help smooth things over-even defended the SIL. SIL works out and has a nice figure. I have always believed in letting people dress and do whatever-I am personnaly fit, but I am pretty modest with my dress/bathing suit especially. SIL flaunts big time-it is a little overkill which drove my older sister nuts-but I told my sister to try to overlook it because we don’t know the whole story-and who are we to judge anyone. Well anyway, SIL’s children are younger than mine-toddler age. I helped watch her kids on the trip-mind you, she had my brother’s support-I even offered to watch their children so that they could go out on a date one night. Just to make something clear-my issue is more with my brother than SIL. I am more upset with him-in fact, I would speak to her at this point before I would speak to him. Also, we had 14 in one 3br. condo-my oldest took a friend. So, I go down to the beach with my middle son to frankly take a break from her (her personality-I can take for so long) and her children. I did not gossip or make any comments, this was only in my mind and I kept my feelings to myself-treating her with kindness. My son and I were sitting under the umbrella, watching the wave-having the best little bonding time-no longer than a couple minutes into this, my SIL comes along, places the toddler with my son and I, and walks a few chairs over and begins to lay out-I wanted to be nice about this-because I needed my space. So I gently asked told her that my son and I were bonding, and she acted like I hated her and my niece. She went off on me in front of everyone on the beach-and ran to tell my brother. My brother physically assaulted me in front of my children, yelled at me and called my children names. My son had some speech issues-which he has overcome-praise God-and my brother kept saying look at your autistic son. I don’t think that the SIL expected him to react this way-but he did. I have to see a specialist because of my injury resulting from the assault-I have not healed-very expensive health care costs-they have not apologized or offered to pay for any expenses and they are loaded. My parents still speak to them-my mom tells me that I need to forgive him-which I do-but it is hard when he has shown me no regrets for what he did. It is hard when you’ve raised or have grown up with someone-and you think that they know you-your heart, and then some stranger comes in-and they take that stranger’s word over the person that they’ve known for many years. I do believe that she originally had some jealousy issues with many people. I do believe on some level, she is jealous of me because deep down, she knows that I am a very honest and true person. So my heart goes out to you T, and I think that there are just some tricky women out there with insecurity issues-who will stop at nothing for their needs in that area to be fulfilled-at the expense of anyone or anything. God Bless, M.

    • Luise April 18, 2009 at 8:48 am #

      Dear M.: You were physically beaten up by your brother because you choose not to babysit when your SIL dumped her baby on you without even asking you first? As though your bonding with your own son didn’t matter and neither did you? Well, I’m with you, your brother’s response to that was nuts. Forgive, yes…but with no apology and no help with your medical expenses, forget? I don’t think so! Has he ever seen his behavior as pathological and sought treatment? I didn’t think so. What a heartbreak to lose a brother…to just have to watch him disintegrate and then end up his victim. People go to jail for that. That’s what restraining orders are for. It isn’t something minor to just ignore.
      If you did, I can understand why but the scars remain. It would be “pie in the sky” to say they haven’t. Blessings, Luise

  115. D April 18, 2009 at 9:24 am #

    Dear M,
    I’m so very sorry! You were physically attacked? Bless you!!

  116. M. April 18, 2009 at 11:21 am #

    Hi and thank you. Your kind and validating words are very appreciated. I do not talk about this to anyone, and it has been like therapy to get it out. I ended up leaving the condo with the 4 kids that evening and drove straight through crying all the way. Thank goodness that they all slept and I only had to make one stop. God carried me through. I didn’t even have proper directions. I just backtracked with the old wrinkled up mapquest that I had in case on the way down. My sister stayed and then drove home with my parents. This all occurred last July. I had to go back to work with everyone asking how my trip went. Now hear is the final blow. When I got back from this horrible excursion, my brother in law came over to make sure that I was ok. I felt thankful for his support. He was like a big brother to me. I cried and he listened. Of course my husband had no comment and no support to offer. I know that this all sounds so weird/aweful, but our family has truly felt normal until all of this. So the next day after I had returned from the vacation, my BIL came over again while my children and I were playing in our backyard. My sister is still gone. My BIL asked me to have an affair. I freaked out and asked him to leave and to never come back. So here I am with my husband and his addiction, my brother attacked me, and my brother in law hit on me. All being absorbed within days. My 13 yr. old dhtr. is old enough to apprehend all of this. It has been so difficult to cope with the reality. It took me up until last Dec. to discuss this with my sister because I didn’t want to touch the situation until I could cope with the others. I just was not strong enough to deal with all of it at once. Ultimately my BIL began stopping by when my husband was gone and I would not answer the door, so due to this, I ended up talking with my sister. Regarding the attack, apparently according to my brother, he felt like this had been building up for years. I honestly had no idea because I’ve baby sat, I’ve gone to all of the parties and get togethers that they’ve had, and all of my nieces birthday parties. I did say words, too, after the attack-but not geared toward their children-the little ones are innocent. Also, regarding the attack-my brother didn’t just come out and attack me directly after this incident. I returned to the condo and told my dad about what had happened and I was very upset. We put the little ones down for a nap, and my mom told my sister and I to go for a walk on the beach and that she would watch my children. FYI, I very seldom drink for obvious reasons. In fact it had been years. So my sister and I-for old time sake, go to this little restaurant on the beach and had to fru fru drinks each. I was tipsy after these two drinks. So we get back to the condo, and when we walked in, my brother, who had also been drinking, glared at me. He told my mom to order dinner for my children because she was more of a mother to them than me. I stood up and told him that I could not believe that he said this. He then began to harp on how bad my husband was, and so I said something about how I thought that my brother was feminine for shaving his chest hair. SIL says, “oh I think it is sooo sexy.” and laughed in my face. Then-here is my bad-I said, “you would, because you like that sort of thing.” Then I told her how sick she made me by always bragging about her children, and the way she raises them. I also mocked how she talks. I wouldn’t have done this had I not had these two drinks. In other words, I wouldn’t have stood up for myself, I would have just ignored them and thought to myself that they are the ones with the problem. Then my brother came at me, ripped my bathing suit top off, picked me up by my neck and then he threw me onto the coffee table. He is about 6’2 and 200lbs., I am 5’7 and about 130lbs. Then he jumped on top of me and began strangling me. My sister and mom tried to get him off. When they realized that they couldn’t, they were able to find my dad in time for him to get my brother off. My dad was crying, my mom was yelling at me-which I don’t understand. My daughter told me that my mom yelling at me after this had happened was what stood out in her mind the most. So I do have some resentment towards my mother because, I have always been the one to turn the other cheek, I am expected to cave to my little brother to keep the peace, he is the successful one that they do not want to upset, he is the one who would keep grandkids away. I have always had to bow to him. Not now. Today was my son’s soccer game. My mom tells me that it says in Matthew to forgive. My mom always tells me to get over it. Here’s my favorite that I hear all of the time, “your brother never mentions any of this to me, but you do. He has gotten over it and has forgiven you, now you need to do the same.” This kills me. What part is she not getting? She is guilty in this to because I think that there are things that she might have let slide prior to the trip-that I didn’t know about. It doesn’t matter, but she must know that I am an overly forgiving person, so for her to keep lecturing me about this is frankly disgusting and disrespectful to me. She is confused about what I want out of all of this. It is not for her to take sides or anything close. It is the acknowledgment of what happened-the reality. She never asks me how my neck is doing-never. She just wants to act like nothing ever happened. The X-rays and treatments are expensive, and I have swallowing trouble. It hurts. I know that she would be there for me in every other area-but just not this one. I have given up expecting her to-but part of me keeps thinking-“how can she not get this?” So, our relationship is somewhat distorted by this. It has affected my work, daily life, holidays, and time together. I guess that all I really want is the acknowledgement that this happened, and for them to be sorry. My mom says love means never having to say it-but in this case I just cannot get passed it. If the situation were reversed, I would have been begging him for forgiveness. This all makes me feel devalued as a person. If this happened to him, I think that everyone would have been by his side. I have a hard time being around my family. I have gained a little weight, but I have tried to stay on track as much as I can for my children. Thank you and God Bless, M

    • Luise April 18, 2009 at 12:12 pm #

      Dear M. To be able to talk about all of this and to be heard with compassion in an anonymous setting is what this website is all about. When my son (Webmaster) can get our Forum up, it will be easier to interact with each other. He was making great progress but his Park Model trailer, second home, near to us burned to the ground on the 7th and his focus necessarily shifted. (They live out of state but come to WA in the summer.)

      Physical abuse is untenable. The way you describe it, it sounds to me like your life was in danger. The rest of the stuff piled on top would have broken a lesser person. Favoritism can be deeply damaging. And to selectively quote scripture is a hug cop-out in my book. They obviously can’t acknowledge what happened. It would be a reality check and no way can they go there. We can. We do. We have. And no, we aren’t the principles and the ones whose concern matters…but what you are experiencing here is deep caring, understanding and compassion. It’s real and offered from the heart. Blessings, Luise

  117. M. April 18, 2009 at 5:53 pm #

    Thank you so much Louise. I am very sorry to hear of what your son is going through right now. I will pray for your family. God Bless, M.

    • Luise April 18, 2009 at 7:52 pm #

      It is wonderful to have prayers said. I/we appreciate it a lot. Blessings, Luise

  118. J. May 3, 2009 at 8:03 pm #

    Hello, I am a DIL in need of your advice. My MIL has said some very unthoughtful and hurtful things and have made comments that I feel were offensive and unChrist like. Now, she is preparing for a major surgery and my husband alluded to the fact that someone needs to take turns and stay with her while she is in the hospital. Granted, her husband, is suffering from Cancer but never really accompanies her on overnight hospital stays, why? I don’t know, Usually it is her other son’s wife who will inconvenience herself to do these things and I feel bad that I should even be put on the spot to make a decision like that. I know if my mother was going to undergo major surgery, I would work out a game plan, amongst my siblings and not even ask my spouse to spend time with my mother. I don’t know how to feel and I want to alleviate the stress from having to worry about his mother but am I wrong to feel this way and should not he (her son) be taking a more aggressive role in the care of his own mother? Please somebody help!!!! J.

    • Luise May 3, 2009 at 8:34 pm #

      Dear J.: Some men are really quick on their feet when it comes to passing the buck. Looks like you may have picked on of those. It’s really handy to call family hospital support “woman’s work”, if you can get away with it. On the other hand, it’s his mom…pleasant or unpleasant. Can you maybe grit your teeth, step up to the plate and do your best is a messy situation? That’s really what it’s going to take. Refusing may well be seen as declaring war. Blessings, Luise

  119. Q. May 16, 2009 at 5:29 pm #

    Dear Luise: I don’t know what to do about my future MIL, if anything can be done? I read this whole thread and didn’t see anything like this. I love my fiance (boyfriend of 5 years). After a dating a few months, I was happy to meet his mother, who did a great job raising him as a single parent. My own parents love my fiance, and they only see him when they see us together as a couple.

    When I first met my future MIL, she really, really liked me. I was pleased and excited she liked me so much, because I love my fiance. But then she began to call me more and more and wanting to see me, it seemed as a “new best friend.” When I wouldn’t have time to see her for a “girls day” or a “girls night” or suggested instead all 3 of us do something together, she’d pout, and say she and I needed to bond “alone.”

    She’d ask to see me one-on-one twice or three times a week. When I had to start saying no, I had too much work, plans, or to see my own family, or just spend time with my fiance (her son!), she’d get pouty, like I rejected her.

    She’d ask me to do things in a way almost just so I would have to reject her. Showing up unannounced, calling late, calling when she already knew we were at parties or dinners and asking if I’d come visit. Then always, acting very sad or hurt that I’d say sorry but not a good time. I hated feeling like I was being mean.

    My fiance said she was always like that, and she just needed to be told no and for me to ignore her reaction. But its getting worse.

    My parents are paying for our wedding, but she wants to be listed as a host on the invitation. We never asked her to pay anything, but she regularly offers “You know, I don’t have any money for your wedding, I can hardly afford a dress.” But yet she always asks me to go to Vegas for a weekend with her, her “treat.” When I say no to a weekend away with her, she cries! When my fiance told her no about the wedding host listing, she told him she “knew” I was the one stopping it. She said she cried for weeks, but I feel like I’m being manipulated by tears and tantrums, and my fiance doesn’t think its fair to my parents. The tears don’t bother him anymore, he says.

    She will escalate the invites, and every time playing victim. I will say yes to see her once a week, but that is not enough for her. She is starting to offer much “advice” about the wedding. She thought we should release doves, or have jugglers, or have houseplants instead of flowers. We listen politely, say “thank you for your input” and she’ll say “well? will you do it? will you?” then we say “We’ll think about it” and she’ll get mad or sad and say “No one cares what I think!”

    We started looking at houses and she wants to come. But we both agree we can’t bring her, because this is a business transaction and her emotional responses to everything will make a serious process even more challenging. So she started showing up at Sunday Open Houses in the area we’re looking at! We’re greeted with much fanfare, and then a “where are we going next?” (We stopped going to Open Houses).

    She is telling my fiance’s relatives, and people we both know that I’m stealing her son from her, and that I am trying to turn him against her. She’ll say how she’s trying so hard with me, but that I’m cold. She said I reject her, probably because she has no money. And that we’re leaving her out of the wedding, and she’s just supposed to be like any other guest. She says she’d be surprised if we ever have her at our home, because we won’t even let her look at houses with us.

    I have tried harder with her than anyone in my life, and I hate feeling like I’m the bad guy all the time. Please, someone, anyone, help! Q.

    • Luise May 16, 2009 at 6:32 pm #

      Dear Q.: I will be responding soon but in the meantime would you consider copying and pasting your question on my new website Forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com/

      The site is only a week old but there are already wise-women over there that I would like to see support you. Blessings, Luise

    • Luise May 17, 2009 at 7:20 am #

      Dear Q.: Your number one job, as I see it, is to remember who the “bad guy” is. Your husband-to-be comes with a pretty large load of baggage. Best to call it what it is, right from the start and unite on how you are going to cope with it. I have heard on other threads on my website from women who only found out what they were up against after they married, and have honestly felt that they wouldn’t have married if they had know what lay ahead. That has been true even to the degree that divorce became the only solution; love wasn’t enough. All of that depends on your own strength, of course, and the solidarity that you establish with your guy. That’s where the key is. His mom is a mess. Logic is never going to work with her because she has a very distorted reality. You are not a toy that her son brought home for her to play with. And marriage is not the three of you living happily ever after. Know that there’s a 99% chance that she always will be a mess. Start from there and plan your mutual strategy accordingly. Blessings, Luise

  120. Q. May 18, 2009 at 10:54 am #

    Thank you Luise. My fiance tells me just to ignore her. That’s what he does. Since we’ve been dating, he sees her far, far less than I do, less than once a month. He is not manipulated by her requests or her tears or her “me as victim” game. He said that is what she does for attention, so he does not reward it. He is polite to her and respectful to her, but he mainly avoids her. More and more, I’ve noticed. Because he saw her more when he did not have a girlfriend, she blames me, because it was “ever since I came along.” I guess its harder for me because as the newcomer of their family, I do want a level of acceptance from her and my fiance’s other relatives. I know my future MIL has told her own siblings and neices (his cousins) how hard-headed and obstinate and even greedy I am for not putting her name on the wedding invite, or implementing her (alas, odd) suggestions. My family is not wealthy, but they budgeted saved for both their daughters’ weddings, for years. She uses that as “proof” that I put money first.
    That she just shows up at my house and I cannot always entertain her, she uses as “proof” I am treating her “like a stranger.” I asked her to call first, for her own convenience, and she was indignant. She will find out if I saw my family twice, and then mention it in such a way like I “owe” her a visit or I’m “playing favorites.” I did not ever think lunch with my sister would earn me a debt for a lunch with my MIL. It’s getting to where I am wanting to see her less and less, because she uses each visit to milk information from me to secure more from me. I love him, he is the man of my dreams. He is courteous and thoughtful and hardworking and gentle and understanding, and he makes me laugh like no one else! I think my fiance might be content to see his mother very infrequently or not at all. I would feel like it is my fault if my future husband did not have a relationship with his mother. Thanks for your insight. Q.

    • Luise May 18, 2009 at 11:46 am #

      As soon as you can, please try to get that none of it is your fault. It was all in place and firmly established long before you met your to-be. You are just playing into her hand when you accept guilt. Be the up gal your guy loves and don’t let her take you down. Distance…you need distance, to my way of thinking and lots of it.

  121. B. May 23, 2009 at 7:50 am #

    Hi at least I am not the only one here with a similar problem. My son met his wife in 2004 when he returned from the Middle East at a party . My mother (Rest in peace ) met her she did not like her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. We, including my ex and his wife, all tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. She had one daughter,,3 years old when my son adopted her and they married in July 2004 (only a few months after they met.) Her parents and her left my son in 2005, a few months before my grandson was born . I made a trip to TN to see my grandson, son and to talk to her . I also had a long talk to her mother.
    Anyway I should have never put my two cents in because they have gotten back together. When my mother died in October 2008, my son finally came out to NY . While my son was grieving over his grandmother, she actually leaving hurtful messages and nasty text for him to get back to TN (she was pregnant again.) Then she had a nerve to ask my son, “is your mom giving you any money from your grandmother?” If my fist could in any way to go through the wireless network I would have punched her right in her mouth. Anyway I told my son that I wish I stayed out of it. My son said that she is going through hormonal change. I wasn’t like that when I was pregnant with him and his sister. My grandson and her daughter (who I also called my granddaughter) always received a gift from me on their birthdays and the holidays. They never call. I have to call them. My son is so manipulated by her it is not funny. On mothers day this year, I called her to wish her a happy mothers day. My son called me with his son in WAL*MART. I asked him where was, he said he was buying his mother in law a gift. Well what about your own mother? Thank God for my daughter and her boyfriend treat me with more respect then my own son does. Thank God for being blessed with a grandchild who is very close to me , my daughter’s child . Also my son’s step daughter, who he adopted , said once on the phone, I don’t want to talk to her, she is not my grandma . That was like a knife stabbing me . So I did not send her a birthday card or gift. I was going to send a gift to my grandson but I plan to see them in September. (I really don’t want to go.) Every time I call my son it’s always the voice message. I don’t want to talk to my daughter in law . When I was about to call my grandson on his birthday, I received a nasty text message from my daughter in law. Again when I contacted my son on his birthday, she again text me a nasty text message. I finally contacted my son to tell him that he was brought up differently, he has no back bone. I told him when I come down to TN I will stay in a motel and rent a car. I don’t want to see her, I want to see my grandchildren. I don’t care if he brings the older one. I really want to end my relationship with my son. I feel more close to my friend’s children then to my son’s children. I don’t feel any bonds with his children. I am so hurt and angry. Help. B.

    • Luise May 23, 2009 at 8:30 am #

      Dear B. You are facing what many of us have had to face which are the consequences of the poor choices made by our adult children. There is such a delicate balance in staying out of what is going on with them and staying connected to them and their kids. We have to grow in the process, at least I have had to. We can’t let anger, hurt an fear drive us (it only makes things worse) and sometimes it is very hard no to. We had hopes and dreams about how an extended family would look and feel and many of us have a lot of adjusting to do when faced with the real thing. All you can do is your best. You can only give lovingly what is received graciously. Blessings, Luise

  122. QRS May 27, 2009 at 8:19 am #

    Dear B. I do see that your own son has let you down, but I don’t see how his wife has manipulated him to do that. If your own son does not call you or send you enough gifts, I do not think that is the fault of his wife. I think that is the fault, or choice, of your own son.

    I read your post a few times. Other than where your DIL sent you texts at the end, I don’t even see what she has ever actually done “to” you. Your wrote your mother didn’t like her from the start. You don’t sound like you ever liked her, you “tried to give her the benefit of the doubt”. When she said private things to her own husband (that he should not have shared with you, again, your son’s mistake) – you wanted to punch her. When you feel that way about a woman, a woman can sense your aggression. It does not surprise me that you and she have not bonded, because you never liked her and she always knew this.

    Please do not blame the fact that you ddidn’t ever like this young woman, on how your own son is choosing to treat his mother. Perhaps he does not like how you treat his wife, whome he loves and chose as his life partner – and so seeing how poorly you treat her is causing him to lose respect for you. Perhaps he has his own reasons for not wanting to be around someone with such negative aggressive emotions toward his family. You also sound very angry at him, and understand this feeling makes people want to get away, not come closer. It is impossible to “demand” affection the way you wrote you try to do.

    My own MIL is trying to demand from me, and I spend less and less time with her. My husband does as well, but not because I ask him or manipulate him. He does not like her negative beahvior either, so he stays away from it. The angrier my MIL gets, the less time I am spending with her.

    B, you get more bees with honey than with vinegar. I hope you have a good trip to Tennessee, but please leave the anger back home and you will have a much nicer experience with your own son. Thanks, Q

    • Luise May 27, 2009 at 10:41 am #

      To B and Q: Points well taken. Thank you. And of course there are people who can be manipulated. Controllers do exist as well as “controlees.” It’s great to see a dialogue forming and points of view and experiences being shared even though it is somewhat cumbersome on my site.

      Please consider, both of you, coming over to my web Forum as well: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com We just started but we are getting both sides of the story as we grown and expand and that’s what it’s for. Blessings, Luise

  123. E. May 29, 2009 at 7:35 pm #

    Dear Luise: My son’s dad was killed when he was 2, and so I raised him as a single mom. He and I were very close, and I remarried when he was 12. A few years later, he started telling me that he wanted his step dad and I to move out when he turned 18 (he inherited his house from his dad’s estate). My husband and I subsequently started having problems in our marriage. Around the same time, my son met a girl whom he dated throughout high school. Turns out, this girl’s mother and I went to school together, and she was never one of my favorite people. I tried to be friends with her for my son’s sake, and told her some things that happened with my son’s dad and me. This lady then turns things around and tells my son I am saying bad things about his father. Meanwhile, I divorced and remarried my husband and moved out of my son’s house when he was 17. My mother pretty much stayed with my son because he did not want to move the 50 miles away to be with me and my new husband. He didn’t want to leave his school and friends. Soon after, my son broke up with this girl in their senior year of high school, and her mother set her up with another guy with whom she became engaged. However, the girl’s family quickly found out this guy was not a good man and started devising ways to break them up and get their daughter and my son back together. After 1 1/2 years of their daughter treating my son like crap and me being there to listen to him and support him, they are back together. I don’t have a problem with her…I really want to have a good relationship with her. The problem is with her mother. She maintains that I abandoned my son and has colored his view of me when he was the one saying he wanted to live alone when he turned 18–the September before graduating from high school. This lady and my soon to be DIL went to pick out invitations fo the wedding, and my future in-laws decided to leave me off the invitation. My son treats me like crap most of the time now. He doesn’t call often, and when I call him, and he is with them, he offers one-word answers to my questions and rolls his eyes in front of his future MIL about me. I was ok with him not calling me everyday as long as his heart was happy, but this treatment is really hurting me. His future MIL seems to undermine me and put me down in front of him, and he lets her! It hurts so badly. I have twin 2-year old daughters with my new husband, and so I think his future MIL suggests to him that I am too busy for him. In addition, he and my new husband are not close at all. I feel like I have lost my son, and I am powerless to do anything about it. E.

    • Luise May 29, 2009 at 9:15 pm #

      Dear E. What a heartbreak. There is nothing you can do that I know of when an adult child drifts off and then makes choices that widen the gap. You can continue to love him and you can hope and pray he will become wiser as he gets older…but you have your life to life. I would like to invite you to bring your issue over to my web Forum; http://www.motherinlawsunite.com It is very new but a critical mass of collective wisdom is forming there that could be a source of support for you. Blessings, Luise

  124. D. June 16, 2009 at 1:28 pm #

    I’m a DIL and honestly, I’m absolutely disgusted with my in-laws. They raised my husband to be EXTREMELY dependent and belligerent, not willing to try anything new or different. He’s very obsessive and has to have things his own way or he lashes out like a very young child because he’s been reinforced for acting this way his entire life. In fact, I’m so disgusted with him and their twisted relationship after three years of witnessing these toxic family dynamics that I’m on the verge of divorcing him just so I can divorce them as well. There is no helping him as long as mommy and daddy are right up the road to wipe his hiney for him. I stopped going to their house a long time ago because they treat him like a baby who can’t do anything for himself, they have a spoiled monster of a grandchild living with them who makes any visit all the more obnoxious, as well as their dysfunctional, socially-challenged daughter who has racked up multiple DUIs and can’t seem to hold down a job or keep herself together. Yet there are excuses all around for her crazy behavior and unwelcome outbursts as well as my husband’s childish antics and unwillingness to explore the world outside our front yard. My sister-in-law recently cornered me in a public place in front of one of my clients and lit into me, very embarrassingly, about why I never come to see them. His mother calls and demands to know why I never want to spend time with them and wants to know my whereabouts, as well as his. My MIL calls my husband every single day after work to see if anybody messed with her baby. It’s absolutely disgusting to me. I was raised to be extremely independent and unfortunately, my husband made the mistake of accepting financial assistance from them against my wishes, so now they really think they need to be up in our business. I want out. If all MILs raise children with an umbilical cord that still hasn’t been cut at the age of 32 and beyond, I don’t think I want another one. D.

    • Luise June 19, 2009 at 9:20 am #

      Lots of sympathy coming from here…but I have to wonder what you made you pick the guy as your Prince Charming. Aren’t you responsible for that? Come on over to http://motherinlawsunite.com , my web forum, and put it out there. You might get some useful perspective. Blessings, Luise

  125. L. June 17, 2009 at 9:08 am #

    Thank GOD I found this web site. I need advise. My son and a girlfriend had a son 8 years ago. It was a rocky relationship that didn’t last. The girlfriend caused problems for everyone after the split and wasn’t a good mother. Because she wasn’t a good mother, my daughter had emergency custody of the child twice, with some help from my son but the court eventually gave the child back to the mother. One day, the old girlfriend drops him off at my son’s for a visit and didn’t come back. So, my son set about taking care of my grandson (3 yrs old) as best he could. Two years later, he had a new girlfriend but not custody of his son and couldn’t enroll him in school. So, he sent my grandson back to the mother. He could have tried for custody but didn’t, for reasons known only to him. Plans were started for a wedding. My daughter made a statement that if it wasn’t for the new girlfriend, my son wouldn’t have given his son back to his mother and offense was taken. My daughter should not have said this, I know. But she did and World War 3 began. They won’t talk to my daughter or any of her children or be anywhere around them. It’s very stressful. Now, my grandson wasn’t allowed to attend the wedding (2 years ago) because of his mother and my son hasn’t seen him since. I repeatedly asked him if he had been in contact him and was always told no. Late last summer, an opportunity presented itself and my daughter was able to bring my grandson to my house for a visit. It was the first time I had seen him in about 1 1/2 years. Because it was my daughter that located him and brought him to my house and because they were still angry, I did not tell my son or his wife that I had seen my grandson. I know that I should have but I felt that it wouldn’t go over very well. And it didn’t. I told them yesterday and my DIL screamed that this was not our business but my son’s business, that we had no right to see the child without telling them and that my son has a new family now and that we didn’t have any consideration for them or their safety…and on and on. My DIL blames my daughter for all of this and has washed her hands of all of us…even threatening divorce of my son. I feel bad that I didn’t tell my son. I feel bad that she is threatening him in this way. But my DIL is a bridge burner when things don’t go her way and I just wanted to see my grandson. There is more by this is the gist of the long story. Help anyone? Please? L.

    • Luise June 19, 2009 at 9:32 am #

      Dear L.: How often something we say or do, (or a family member says or does), comes back to haunt us. And yet, we’re human. We make mistakes and poor judgment calls. The trouble is that while asking for (or even demanding) forgiveness, we don’t forgive and it’s a two-way street. Please bring your dilemma over to my web-forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com I established it only recently so we would have room for discussion. Blessings, Luise

  126. D. July 3, 2009 at 10:56 pm #

    My sister, my sister in law and I all have daughter in laws with the same first name. The three of them are hell on wheels. We laugh about it and blame it on the same name and joke that the name must be cursed! I didn’t like my mother in law but I NEVER would have talked to her or treated the the way my daughter in law treats me. I will always be my son’s mom, I hope she can say she will always be his wife. D.

    • Luise July 4, 2009 at 7:16 pm #

      Dear D.: What a strange coincidence! Weird! We are seeing some obvious changes in our culture regarding a certain level of respect between generations. Some think it is a side-effect of Feminism. (Collateral damage?) I have a web-Forum that I would like you to consider joining that address these issues: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com It’s relatively new but the wisdom and support there is building. Blessings, Luise

  127. T. July 24, 2009 at 12:05 pm #

    My DIL is a bully and is verbally abusive. Her favorite form of attack is email. Used to be telephone messages. She pretends to be warm and friendly when we are spending money on their family. We never visit uninvited, we do not care what they do, where they go, etc. Our son chose her and that is none of our business. When we are invited along we must do exactly what she wants when she wants or it bullying time again. She was a bully to my MIL even when she was dying. My MIL begged to be put into hospice because of my DIL and her bullying. No one on my husband’s side of the family will give her the time of day. Our son has lost all contact with his cousins because of her. When she is not bullying our side of the family then it’s her side. Her soon-to-be sister in law was overheard at their last party saying I can’t wait until we can get the heck out of here, she’s crazy! My DIL has used our grandsons as pawns. My husband has decided he no longer cares if he ever sees them and my DIL will blame me. I have given up. The last email from her was how rotten I have been for 10 years. Hmmmm…selected nice gifts for her, often bought her items she picked out herself, or items she told us we could buy for her. Then the email arrives and said I have never bought her a nice gift? I was instructed never to buy her another gift! I was told my grandsons cannot stand me. Hmmmm…they said they love me. I was told my husband cannot stand me. Hmmm…did he think it was his father taking care of them as children? His father was an alcoholic and I sometimes worked two jobs to make sure he and his sister had food on the table, a roof over their heads and clothes on their backs. Yeah, I am a real looser. Good thing I can cut through the crap. If my own mother had not been bipolar I might not have recognized the issue. My DIL said she does not need medication and there is nothing wrong with her. Her own father is ALWAYS joking with us about how awful she is and her own mother on her wedding day said she would rather have had a million sons that this one daughter. I guess my DIL is right and the problem is all me. T.

    • Luise July 24, 2009 at 1:06 pm #

      What a tough state of affairs. No matter what you do, it’s wrong and I suppose if you don’t don’t do anything that’s even worse. Please consider coming over to my web-Forum at: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com You can copy and paste your comment there and share your experience. The members have a lot of collective wisdom and offer options, support and understanding. Blessings, Luise

  128. C. October 30, 2009 at 7:19 am #

    I have/had a daughter-in-law I can’t stand. If fact I hate her guts. My son finally divorced her the 15th of Oct. Didn’t do any good. She has him put in jail every time he doesn’t do what she wants. She is always saying he beats her up when in fact he doesn’t. That is a known fact. She had me put in jail over a phone call, and I had just got out of surgery for breast cancer. She shoots at his car, cuts his tires, sneaks around at night. She has a no contact order put on him then comes to my house and calls him. Nothing is ever done. The police will do nothing. She has friends in the warrant office so a warrant is never served on her. Hopefully she will fade away with the devil. I don’t know what to do any more. She is a fatal attraction. C.

    • Luise November 1, 2009 at 9:05 am #

      What a nasty mess for everyone concerned. I’m sorry. Blessings, Luise

  129. S. November 30, 2009 at 1:50 pm #

    Hello there! I am a DIL to a very lovely, but extremely needy MIL. She has all of the best intentions, but sometimes I feel as though she forgets the fact that I have a mother that I’m extremely close to. For example, she invited me to another state to go wedding dress shopping, without even considering the fact that my own mom might want to be there with me as I found my wedding dress. So you see, nothing but the best intentions — wants me to be happy, wants to be involved, etc., but sometimes forgets what is most important to me. I completely agree with a couple of people out there who said, “the more you back off, the better it will be.” I find myself in that situation. Sometimes my MIL wants to be SO involved in everything, that she forgets about all of the people most important in my life (besides my husband, of course! 🙂 like my own mom, or my sister. But, most recently, she has backed off some. Now, I feel like I have the opportunity or the desire to pick up the phone and call her for a change. So, I guess what I’m saying is: don’t try so hard. Make it known your offer still stands and then wait to see if she will bite — instead of constantly calling, constantly offering advice, constantly jumping up to help. Give her a chance to come to you. Play a little hard to get and see if that will help. It did for me…S.

    • Luise December 14, 2009 at 11:58 am #

      Dear S. Some listen and respond…but not all. You were incredibly lucky! You might want to bring your heartening story over to my Web-forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com Blessings, Luise

  130. Chad January 20, 2010 at 8:25 pm #

    I have to agree with the comment from “S” above. My mother and my wife didn’t start off with too good of a relationship. My mother, while very well intentioned, would often give my wife advice on various little things such as cooking or cleaning or decorating… I never had any problem with it because I took what my mother said as advice; my wife on the other hand would always take it as criticism. Let me tell all of you ladies out there, that was a horrible position for me to be in. The husband/son has only one goal for the relationship between his wife and his mother, HARMONY. I would tell my mother to stop giving my wife advice because it upsets her. Mom couldn’t understand why because she never intended to upset my wife. I would tell my wife to not take what my mother was saying personally because she wasn’t critiquing, she was only helping the best way she knows how. My wife wouldn’t believe me; she kept viewing it as nitpicking and criticizing. To all of you mothers and wives, please listen to your husband/son’s advice in these situations; we are playing the role of the moderator and truly know and understand both sides. I know my mother thought I was betraying her and had married a hypersensitive overly emotional woman, while my wife thought my mother was an overreaching control freak. Of course they were both wrong, but I still became the unsupportive husband/son. Then all of a sudden, my mother just quit giving my wife “advice” and things started to improve. Believe it or not, my wife now actually asks my mother for advice on many different things. Mission accomplished…HARMONY! Although looking back, I’m still amazed how a simple comment like, “Oh Honey, you don’t want those curtains”, can start World War 3.

  131. J. March 16, 2010 at 3:04 pm #

    How do you react when your son/daughter in law tells you not to visit for Easter? J.

  132. P. April 15, 2010 at 5:21 am #

    Dear luise,I would dearly love any help regarding my daughter inlaw. The sad fact is last year she verbally abused and threatened mr with a broom. I can in all honesty say that i have done nothing nor have I said anything to make her treat me this way. I am proud of my son for telling her noy to treat or speak to me that way again. I also have two beautiful grand children which I only get to see for just a few hours in the few weeks I spend with them. I can only see my son and family as distance and financal reasons prevent me from doing otherwise. I ring as much as possible and try to keep the communication open. I donot in anyway intrfere in my sons marriage or nor do say how they are to raise their children. My understanding that if my daughter inlaw wishes to have me in her childrens lives then why is there no photographs of my husband and I or my sons family. I have asked my son this very question and sadly his answer was he didnt know why, and so I didnt ask again. Also his marriage isnt very stable ,but here again I cant help with this as it they who have sort this out. One good thing is that my daughter inlaw is a very good mother as is my son a good father. But I have noticed as has my husband that since that crazy outburst last year our son has hardly spoken to us nor his imidate family. It is nowat the point where my husband can only step back .The fact remains will our grandchildren get to know us ,If my daughter inlaw keeps having her way then I would say a big no. what can I do but love our son and grandchildren but not see them. thankyou . P.

  133. E. May 21, 2010 at 6:44 pm #

    Oh well i think i’m not alone , but my case is so frustration ,because in the first place she was very nice to me and i really did my best to win her “frienship” and apreciation. I’m a from a different country, have no relatives here and saw her as a mother .Days ago, we(my husband and I ), took vacations to a place she choose because she always wanted to go and for her age was affraid to go alone , we planned everything and asked her if everything was ok and she did agree, on the way to our destination we stopped in a latino store to buy some special items i don’t find in our town ,well i was very desapointed the way she made comments about inmigrants and everything in the store seems like gross her out,then she made comments about how horrible people lived in that area and she couldn’t live even park her car there ,it really hurts me the way she acted , but the worst part was that my husband took it like a joke or something , and didn’t talked to her about . the trip was horrible because in a point my husband told her that if im not happy they will ignore me and they did , so i acted really quiet, listening my music and reading a magazin , she apologized to me , but it was like she didn’t mean it .in our aniversary day (3rd day of vacations) she made a comment of how good cook was the ex wife of my husband and i started to cry and told her that it wasn’t nice. E.

    • Luise May 22, 2010 at 9:05 am #

      She is how she is and she isn’t going to change. Please come over to my Web-forum: http://www.wisewomenunite.com with your issue. It is a wise and caring community. Blessings, Luise

  134. T. June 29, 2010 at 8:12 am #

    l have got the most difficult mother in law.when l was not yet married we didn’t see each other much and she used to send me presents,when l got married she did not like me at first sight l think,she would complain about me when l was a week old into marriage,and came to the extend of hating her own son.no matter how good you do to her she always walks around talking about me that since l came into their family there is no peace.l dont even know where l was wrong.l used to stay with her and would gossip me with my maid,until she openely told me to move out of the house because she could not stay with me,l moved out but up to now she doesn’t like me and even her son,but she likes the other daughter in law no matter how she does things badly.please help. T.

  135. X. July 8, 2010 at 5:17 am #

    i have lots of problem:
    i,my son,& husband are living seperate from my mother-in-law but there also many problem.
    1. cleanlyness: there is no cleanness as 1%. if he goes to toilet he pour very little water in toilet & never pout in her legs. he never washes vessels with soap.never washes vegetables……
    2.food: if my mother ,father,she(in law-no husband),her father,my husband,me, my son(3 yrs),my sister are together for my son’s b’day. then anybody can tell how many glasses of rice u cook(1glass=200ml) X.

  136. X. July 8, 2010 at 5:21 am #

    anybody give me tips to come over.plz help me. what to do. X.

  137. J. July 22, 2010 at 10:29 am #

    When a man tells him mom he chose the woman he wants to marry, NO MATTER WHAT SHE NEEDS TO ACCEPT THEM! You dont live with her, you wont grow old and die with her, he will. Its not your choice. Your job as a good mom is to support him and advise him, when he asks for it. If you make him chose between you and her, if they are happily married he will chose her and he should.

    I am VERY happily married, but my mother-in-law has always disliked me, the minute he chose me over her it was “on”. She has always said I try to “keep him from her” and “I wouldnt let him see her”. But we had one car and both worked 80+ hours a week at the time, we were just busy. Is that really so hard to believe? Now we have 2 cars a house and are well set up, when we met we had nothing, why cant she understand we are just working hard to have all this? His mom always says I “controll him”, well all I can do is laugh at that. He does what he wants, all I controll is the work schedules (ie that means keeping up with them) and the bank account. And I have always tried to get him to take care of the bank account I hate doing it, I am just better at it. At our wedding on video, when they asked what did you think of the wedding, she said “it was gay”. I have always tried to get along with his family, he has a sister and a brother, my sister has autism. She doesnt talk, she is aggressive and non-communicative. I always looked foward to having a brother and sister that actually talked back and would go eat or shop with me. I never had a problem with his mom until she started all this crazy she controlls you stuff. I never wanted him to stop talking to his family, as a wife it breaks my heart to see him mad no matter how mad I am at them.

    He got in an arguement with his sister and his mom chose to argue for his sister, they both said very hateful things about me to him. Like “shes a bad person” she is ruining your relationship with your family” and worse that I wont type. But I was quietly just sitting there listening to him trying to defend me and they werent even arguing about me to begin with. Somehow every arguement they have goes back to them hating me. So hen he started crying I got on the phone and started arguing back for him, long story short we all said hateful things and me and my hubby hung up the phones after saying “we dont want anything to do with you anymore dont come to our house”. So, ofcourse the next day she shows up outside screaming with her redneck boyfriend and refuses to leave after I told her I would call the cops, she attacked me like a rabid animal. I didnt even hit her back I was just trying to get her off. She hit me, kicked me, sratched me and held onto my hair the entire time. So, I got taken to the ground 4 times and then decided to fight back, I hit her 4-5 times and she left.

    Now, after my husband testified against her, we have an order of protection on her and shes not allowed to contact us for 5 years or longer if we get it extended. And in my opinion I did her a big favor by not putting her in jail for assault. And now she is trying to turn my husbands family against both of us by lieing and saying I attacked her and wouldnt let go. All she had to do was keep her emotions in check and her thoughts to herself. But now she has lost her relationship with my husband and will have nothing to do with our kids. So before you go trashing/hating your daughter-in-law, stop and think about what you want to say and maybe talk to her before you build a lot of emotions and hate over a simple misunderstanding. And dont put your son in the middle of it and cause thier marraige problems. J,

  138. E, July 26, 2010 at 8:41 am #

    Hate to break this to you ladies, but it says a lot about the character of a person who is willing to bash others in the way you are here. No wonder your sons nor their families don’t come to see you if this is the way you behave.

    Your son has a new family and new responsibilities now. His wife is his number one priority, rightfully so, as you were your husband’s number one priority when you married.If you speak poorly about his wife, he is not going to want to see you. I’m not sure why that is a surprise. E.

  139. D. July 26, 2010 at 8:44 am #

    Please stop assuming that your daughter in law is some person manipulating your adult son. Your sons are adults who can decide for themselves, and if they decide not to see you, there definitely is a reason why. D.

    • Luise August 7, 2010 at 2:40 pm #

      And if the guys can’t stand up for themselves…mom may have had something to do with that!

  140. A. July 26, 2010 at 8:45 am #

    Totally Agree 100% with the previous comment!A.

  141. S. August 6, 2010 at 11:05 pm #

    Hello, It is somehow comfortint go know that I am not alone in this unchartd territory of the mother-in-law. While I have know my DIL for aover 15 years, I still feel that I have no ideas as to what makes her tic, what makes her happy and/or what makes her smile. While my granddaughter (4) and I have a great relationship, mom seems to be quite jealous and does not seem to want to allow much one-on-one time. We have cut back dramatically on toys, clothes, etc. for the kids (4&1)(they were living in a very rural area of California. I would often buy cloting at high- end thrift stores and make any little repairs and make them look brand new. They were always 100% cotton and one-of a kind fnds. We didn’t receive much — ifany appreciation ton these. but my granddaugher loves them. They wil say thank you for few things, and alomost never. While there will be weeks spent over the course of the year with my DILS family, there is very litle time spent wth us – – event thought we are only down the road by miles. I might as well be 2200 miles. so now they have move dot Denver, CA — and I shoule be offer hi any free, My attempt at conversaton are met with (yes, now, maybe, S.

  142. M. August 25, 2010 at 12:54 pm #

    My daughter-in-law and I have a very on again off agian relationship. Right now she has found offence with my “Faebook” friend request and I fear she’s puttng pressure on my son to take sides between us. My daughter, his sister, is going out of the country for a year and all of a sudden my son and his wife will be unable to attend the going away family dinner I’ve been planning for her. It’s a ridiculous situation and I’m getting a bit resentful. This girl is very immature, has up and quit two jobs in the last two years and did so in a manner that won’t allow her to use these work experiences as job references. She feels she is always the one being attacked, never accepts responcibilty of any kind and has numerous conflicts with friends and family. She graduated with a 4 year college degree that no longer interests her and currently sits at home with little to do. What’s worse. she dictates who my son can spend time with, she has turned away long time friends. I fear she wants to do this with his family as well. My son has a stressful job, an unemployed wife and I don’t want to add to that. What I’m asking for here I guess is advice on how to deal with her so that I can maintain a realtionship with my adult child. M.

    • Luise August 27, 2010 at 8:28 pm #

      I have established a Web-forum for the kinds of issues you are describing. Come on over and I’ll see you there. http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

  143. C. September 23, 2010 at 1:29 pm #

    DEAR LUISE: My only son has been married for 7 years to my daughter in law who I have always thougt of as a “daughter”. Unfortunately, in the fall of last year my ex-husband passed away. He was in a nursing home for the last 4 years and we have been divorced for 18 years. He was an alcoholic. When my son married,my ex husband was able to attend the wedding. He was sober for three years. After that all down hill. In the interim my son and DIL had two boys (one is now 4 and the other is 11/2). I took care of my ex in the nursing home for years. I also asked my son to come with me or go to see his father. I always got an angry reply. When my husband died, my son planned the funeral with me and my DIL. I wanted to help them so I gave them a $10,000 policy I took out on my ex when we got married. I was still the beneficiary but turned it over to my son and DIL. The funeral was nice but too many phoney people who never gave a rat’s a– came. Flowers were ridiculous from my DIL’s family who never even met the man or knew the good things about him. Any way, it has been almosts a year since he passed. I got a phone call from my son asking what I intended to do with his father’s pension which the Judge granted me in my divorce decree many years ago because the Judge knew I would never get child support. I told him I was going to get my house painted and try and save my home from foreclosure. He felt his children should get half and I told him it was not an inheritence, it was soooo much less than what child support would have been for all those years. He called me selfish. I am the most unselfish human being on this planet ande since then, my son and DIL have been so cruel to me. Her parents have money and a home in another country. My son and DIL do very well. I take care of my 83 year old uncle and just make ends meet. I am never allowed to care for my grandchildren. I always go to their home after asking or practically begging. I always bring dinner to make things easier for them. She twists my words soo much. Now, because of this money thing, they basically threw me away. I am getting so very sick because I love my son so much and have been a mom and dad to him for years. She tells me I try to make my son feel guilty for not seeing his dad. I would never do that. I made peace with his dad many years ago and took care of him beecause he had no one else. I put the shoe on the other foot always. If I was rich like my sisters, I am sure all would be OK. It cant be anything else but the money. I dont harrass, never cruel, love my grandchildren with my soul and don’t understand. His 31st birthday is coming up and this will be the first in 30 years that I probably wont share with him. DIL doesn’t even e-mail or call me ever and my son doesn’t either. Hurting so very bad and am so lost without my grandchildren. When I die, everything I have is theirs, but not while I am alive. I just can’t at this point in my life. What do I do? C.

    • Luise September 23, 2010 at 8:29 pm #

      You can’t do anything that I know of. You have been fair and reasonable and they have made choices that they are free to make if they see fit. Please come over to my Web-forum that I established for those of us (and we a legion) that have problems with our adult children. There is much understanding to be had there…and healing, as well. It ‘s at: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

  144. S. October 26, 2010 at 4:51 pm #

    I am a Mother in Law and I do not claim to be perfect in anyway, I make mistakes, we all do were human, but there is something wrong when a young lady feels threatened by her husbands Mother. I was a young bride I know how hard it is, therefore I really try hard to let the little things go. There is a level of tolorance and respect that needs to be displayed on both ends. But when she starts delibrately lying and manipulating mine and my son’s relationship – somethings wrong. i love my son enough to know that this is a horrible place to be in, i dont want him to choose between his Mother and his wife. so I backed out gracefully and it hurts,next to losing a child in death its the toughest thing i have ever had to do. But I did it for him. And he knows it, it hurts him too.. So you think that would end the turmoil? Hec to the no! now she is manipulating my husband. The good news is my husband sees through it. He knows our son has his hands full. Our son works, comes home to a filthy home, no dinner, and is expected to take over the duties of our 16 month old grandson. One day he will grow up and get married there you have it, the circle of life. S.

    • Luise October 26, 2010 at 5:20 pm #

      Please come over to my Web-forum for women with issue involving their adult children and extended families. It is at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Your story is terribly sad and yet it is a very familiar one. Perhaps you will find some comfort there. Blessings, Luise

  145. C. November 15, 2010 at 7:39 pm #

    My son had been dating my DIL for several years, they became pregnant and I now have a beautiful granddaughter. My son quit school and asked me to join them in renting a home so that they could go to college after acquiring their GED that it would cost everyone less by sharing in the expenses and I would be there for my granddaughter. I truly want to see my son acquire a college education for his future as well as for his family. We moved in to the house in October last year. My DIL gave birth in Jan. and has not worked since. Neither have gone back to school. I work full time. I have been told I am crazy, that I have caused my grandaughter to acquire a cold (she was going to the gym and taking my 5 month old grand daughter with her to the gym daycare, mall and anywhere else my DIL wanted to go). My son has not gone back to school. The lease we are in is for 2 years and really is very expensive for utilities (600-700 per month). MY DIL has not paid rent or utilities since January nor the gym membership for the past 5 months (it comes out of my checking account). My son hasn’t paid utilities since March and only $300 out of $1800 in rent. I work 60 yours a weekand am older than 55 yrs old; she stays at home, my son has been working 7 days a week and sometime is only home for 2 hours before having to go back to work. She spends her day watching TV and checking her blackberry or sleeps. She only bathes the baby 1 time per week, my grand daughter is now 10 months old and my DIL refuses to allow her any other food except baby food. My grand daughter just started to sit up without assistance, hasn’t crawl but sure knows the TV remote and cell phone. My DIL does not do the wash, I had to wash my granddaughters sleepers so she would have something to wear. (DIL would rather buy clothes than wash them.) I’m told my bb is annoying and that it will wake the baby up (the baby sleeps with slumber music in her room). My DIL does not cook, wash dishes or put dishes in our out of the dish washer, if she cooks she leaves dirty dishes on the stove, table and sink and leave dishes anywhere she pleases. She smokes outside and would rather someone pick up cigerette butts then put them in the can. I asked her to pick up the butts and she threw them in my flower bed. I asked her to clean up their living room entry (leaves tracked through house) and I was told she would do it later. The baby goes to bed at 7:00 p.m. and my DIL or Son will not get the baby up until 9:30 a.m or later. Today she was up a total of 4 hours and that’s because I wanted to go out to dinner. My son has taken up drinking every day, I know he is not happy, he has told me he feels my DIL e is lazy but there is nothing he can do as if he tells her to do some she threatens to take the baby away. The other night he got her lemonade and because it was not country time frozen lemonade, she called him an idot and she hoped he would get hit by a car and die. This was in front of me and her best friend. My son told me the night before he almost feel asleep as he was driving home from a 27 hour work day. I felt total rage but said nothing as I know if I do she wil be even worse to him and me.
    For the wedding she said her father was paying for it, after she booked the hall, flowers, photo/video with my and my son’s money (his father is not really involved) we were told her family does not pay for any of the wedding that the grooms family pays for everything! I have spent over $4K, and she had the nerve to ask me for $50 to pay the makeup artist for her (after the woman had done the makeup)! My family was not invited and my friends sat at the very last table in the corner. Her family had the first table. She was an 1 1/2hr late for the wedding ceremony. The baby’s christening was immediately after the wedding and the baby cried, I was told it was my fault because I didn’t feed her!. I pay 2/3 of the rent and all of the utility bills. When I ask my son for gas money she wants to know why I’m borrowing money. The rent is 1800 per month plus utilities, they pay a total of 300 to live in a 2500s.f. house! Remember moving together was suppose to save us all money. They eat out constantly as she does not want to cook. Last night she told me she threw out the bibs I bought for my granddaughter because they were dirty (they were plastic feeder bibs) and then she proceeded to put a dirty bib (cloth) on my granddaughter when I brought this to her attention she said oh well guess you will have to get her another one. Today she slept the entire day (it was my son’s only day off in 8 days). I’m to the point where I say nothing to her but hello and good bye and just small talk about the baby. She tells me my dog stinks; my dog is confined to a basement area and I’m told now the basement stinks like dog. She hasn’t washed clothes in over a week (remember I had to wash sleepers so the baby had something clean to sleep in. My son’s jeans he put on this morning are from the dirty laundry.
    I feel so bad for my son. My DIL worked at the same place my son does she doesn’t have a car, no furniture nothing of any value other thans clothes and makeup and perfume. They have the entire lower level and I have the upper level. The end of this lease cannot come fast enough; I only wish I could get out of it sooner. I know I’m venting and right now the only reason I’m still in this mess is for my grand daughter. Quite frankly thoughts of moving out of state after this lease is up has crossed my mind. I’m so disgusted as to how my son is living and the fact my granddaughter will think this type of environment is normal. I believe my DIL is narcisstic and resentful. Today I raked 1/2 acre of the yard while she slept and my son played video games. (his only day off this week). She’s 23 and he’s 24, both young and self centered. I’ve I don’t say anything to them then I’m told something is wrong with me, if I talk then I’m told I said something wrong. What I haven’t told you is her mother p assed away when she was 15 yrs old. She met my son when she was 15 1/2, I took her in when her father basically told her to get out since she was seeing an American and not someone of her Mac. culture. She has told me she hates her father but was willing to take money from him for a wedding? I suppose deep down she resents me but has her hand out when she wants something..She seems to be much more friendly around my pay days. I’ve not bought her anything since the wedding and I’ve told her that my family has given and taken care of her more than her own father, sisters and brothers (out of anger when she wouldn’t even say thank you for spending money on the wedding)”after all it was your son’s wedding too.” Yes, but my son was not the bride..oh well another lesson learned. I know I should keep the peace, but I’m so financially and spiritually broken by this relationship. So many times I feel like just packing up andtaking off if it would not affect my credit I would have months ago. Unfortunately I’m hooked on my granddaughter; I know I could walk away but the fact of losing her is more than I can bear. C.

    • Luise November 17, 2010 at 8:20 am #

      You are making the choice to let them ruin you. No one can help you until you decide to help yourself. Do you see that? Your granddaughter is being used by them (and you) to keep you captive and a slave. What kind of example are you setting for her? Self-love can save you. Blessings, Luise

  146. L. February 26, 2011 at 7:22 pm #

    I see a common thread with all these women who feel “they lost their sons”. GET A LIFE!! a pet a new man.Take a vacation. Leave the kids alone! You have lived your lives already.give your kids some space, they will eventually call, drop by etc.. Where is your husband? I bet you don’t have one. Get a hobby, no one is jealous of you! number 4001 is insanely jealous of her DIL! she is harping on the extravagance of their wedding, but we later found out her parents are well off! they had that kind of wedding because they can. L.

  147. S. February 27, 2011 at 2:52 pm #

    I am a mother-in-Law. I have 3 sons one son married a girl we didnt know. she was in an accident and is disabled. she comes from a disfuncitional family. She dosn’t talk to her mother or father. Our relationship was good at first. She speakes badly of other members of my family and i try to overlook it. i don’t want a problem. She has a daughter from a previous relationship. They now have 4 children. when my first grandson was born we had a minor disagreemennt that resulted in my family and I not seeing them for 1 year. we now are now closer but i’m always on eggshels. My other son married an illigal girl from lebonon. They are now after 8 years getting a divorce his was also a dificault transation but for the most part we got along. My 3rd son is now married to a very selfish spoiled girl. From the beginning it was about her and her family no one else mattered from the wedding on she has said some mean things to me and also critises my family again i overlook things and try to be nice. they tell me i lie. in the 5 years they have been together I have lost my father and my mother and she has said some mean things again i try to get along and overlook. I don’t tell my son because I don’t want to make trouble for them.I sometimes forget but I don’t lie. I have been dealing with some heavey issues. My daughter has also had blood clots and been sick this past year. I just don’t understand why they don’t have compasion. A few months after my 1st grandson was born. that was soon after my dad died they said I lie and said something that resulted in my whole family not seeing my grandson for 3 months. Now. They have another child and i get to watch him 1 day a week. My mom died a year ago and they said i said something that i know i didn’t say it resulted in a misunderstanding and now they are out of our lives again. my son said to loose his number and that’s it??? I just don’t know how this could happen. I am always trying. I really thought she liked me. I tried to help them. I am trying so hard to understand how people can be so cruel. the 3rd time my son’s just pull the kids away from us. My heart is broken. S.

    • Luise March 6, 2011 at 10:46 am #

      This happens more than you could ever imagine. Please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where it is being faced on a daily basis. There is a great deal of support and understanding available there. Blessings, Luise

  148. B March 5, 2011 at 2:50 pm #

    L., you obviously are not a mother-in-law, nor maybe even married or a mother.

    I feel terribly sorry for all the women who feel they’ve lost their sons. I too have a difficult DIL, and simply work to maintain a relationship with my son and grandson. I am done trying to work things out with her because there is no working things out one-sided. Reading others’ stories has helped me gain perspective on my own. But it is truly hard to give up long-held dreams of a happy extended family.

    A man, pet or hobby won’t solve feelings of loss. Loss of any kind is painful and takes concerted effort and guidance to get over. And must come from inside, not from some outside source.

    I wish peace for all the mother-in-laws struggling with a disjointed family situation. B.

    • Luise March 6, 2011 at 9:58 am #

      I was a daughter in law, am a mom, mother in law, grandmother and great grandmother. Distractions often help when the process of inside-healing is begun. They don’t cure, you’re right. Experiencing loss is absolutely necessary. Getting stuck there can create a victim. I have a Web-forum for women experiencing “disjointed family situations.” http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Come on over. Blessings, Luise

  149. J. March 18, 2011 at 9:58 am #

    Luise I have a son who is married with 1 child my DIL is a very controlling person. She needs to have control over everyone she knows. In July of 2009 my husband had to put a stop to her controlling us. When this happened she grabbed my grand son up yelling at my son come on lets go saying that is it I am through you will never see Chase (my grandson) again. This is March 2011 and I have not seen my grandson. I have missed so much of his life. His 1st day of school, holidays, we had this baby 5 to 6 nights a week, this has broken our hearts. I try to avoid any conflicts with her. My son dis owns me and I am no longer his mother he allows her to control him just 2 weeks before this he was talking to his dad about divorcing her. She is always talking and saying bad things about me. I need help I don’t know where to go from here I have tried to get visitation but in Oklahoma grandparents don’t have the right unless your child is deceased. Luise any advice you could give me I could use. Thank You J.

    • Luise March 18, 2011 at 4:01 pm #

      There is nothing you can do that I know of. You took a stand and so did they. You are all adults and have that right. You may want to come over to my Web-forum: http://www.WioseWomenUnite.com to get further insight and support. It’ a very common and deeply painful problem.

  150. B. March 28, 2011 at 8:48 am #

    I think(as a daughter in law) most of my problems with my Mother In Law come down to what she expects versus what my husband I want for our family.

    She doesn’t “believe in” attachment parenting or breastfeeding or no sleep-overs anywhere until age5, well that’s ok but we do. She gets offended on anything we do different than she did. Thinks anytime we see her socially(birthday parties, showers, even church) she should just be handed over my child for as long as she wants her regardless of if I want my own child or to let someone else play with her. She doesn’t seem to understand that I had my daughter because I wanted to raise a child not just to give her a granddaughter. (She sees my daughter once a week(more if you count social events) except if someone is sick. And if someone is sick and there is no visit-Oh my God it’s Pitty-Party 2011.
    It goes on and on…B
    There we’re absolutely no problems before my child was born.

    • Luise March 29, 2011 at 8:49 pm #

      Please consider coming over to my Web-forum where we work together regarding issues involving extended families. It’s at: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.vcom . I think you might appreiciate the support. Blessings, Luise

  151. K. April 1, 2011 at 6:26 am #

    The daughter-in-law isn’t “insecure about the old and very strong bond between mother and son, that she declares war, sight unseen.” Any woman appreciates a man who has a good relationship with his mother, it forecasts how he will treat the women in his life. You LADY need to stop being an ass! And why don’t you like the girl? because infact you’re insecure about the new very strong bond between daughter-in-law and son, that you declare war? please! K.

  152. DMK May 8, 2011 at 2:08 pm #

    I have a similar situation – my daughter (30) has been married for 6.5 years to a selfish, pompous, narcissistic ass (also 30). I feel badly to say this but I have done everything to try to help him but when he spins off on one of his tirades he bullies everyone in his path – since I do not allow him to bully me, that only makes him angrier. My biggest concern is my 4 year old grandson who is often the victim of his screaming & bullying which is highly upsetting to me & the child. If I attempt to intervene it is worse for all of us – then he and my daughter get in a screaming, door slamming match – they recently moved in with me & the only reason I don’t pitch the Dad out is I worry about the safety of my grandson. I know his frustration is over money & lack of job right now – they lost their house, like so many others & I get all that – but I do not think it’s fair to go on screaming tirades when he could just go for a bike ride or something until he can calm down & be reasonable. He is very helpful during his “good” moments, unfortunately everyone walks on eggshells around him because you never know what will set him off. He was raised in a very unstable, disrespectful household – he expects everyone to hear his opinion but he disagrees with most everyone else. He gets mad when my grandson runs to me in fear, and I try not to interfere with discipline even tho it is at times unreasonable – he expects too much from a 4 year old, and I worry the child will grow up in fear of his father. Several weeks ago, I was soothing the child explaining to him why it’s important to listen to his Mommy & Daddy, had him almost calmed down when he bellowed for him to get in the car & they left – I worried for hours because I think it was inappropriate for him to be in a car that angry – when they came home all was well, but still I think this man needs some anger management – when he is calm I tell him so, and he says I am not the first to tell him this, yet he’s obviously done nothing about it – I worry he will do something he regrets in one of these rages. He left my daughter at Christmas for a week because he was mad about who knows what at the end of the week he ended up in ER (i think from stress), called in his fear and said he was sorry – blah, blah, blah – the only good thing that came out of that was my daughter went through the whole grieving process and I think if he left and didn’t come back she would be just fine – i have been a nurse for 35+ years and KNOW what I see is abuse yet really don’t know what to do about it – counseling is out as I have already suggested it. A.

    • Luise May 10, 2011 at 11:35 am #

      I have a Web-forum that deals with this issue: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Come on over.

      • F. February 5, 2013 at 7:44 pm #

        Hi Luise, i dont know if you are still doing this but I have a serious issue. I am 65 and My fiancee is 54. She moved from the mid west where she lived with her daughter and granddaughter while the granddaughter was getting her Doctors degee and supporting them. Her father in Tx died and her mother moved fo the midwest and got an apartment right accorss the stairway from her. She had not dated in 5 years. Then she met me. We has such a wonderful time together for 3 months then Idecided to move to the south west to be near my daughter and grandkids. She decided to follow me there and got a great job and moved there with my help. (Her mother told me she cried every night since she had left) We lived together for 5 months and were so wonderfully happy and she had a stroke. She survived the surery and was in rehab for 6 weeks. I was at her side every night. Then her mother called and told h er she had plan for her recovery. She showed up on Sept 15th unanounced. By Sept 19th she had me locked out of the room unable to visit my fiance and when I called her that night she told me to stop bothering her and not call and I was no longer her fiancee. We had a couple of joint checking accounts so when I returned home I moved most of the money to a personal account that night. The next morning when I checked my accounts online the checking account was gone. I called the bank and she said that the money had been transfered by phone to my finacees account in the mid west and closed. She has not recolection of this and was whoreified when I told her later.The next day they flew to the mid west. I went to visit her 3 times and we were like old times expect when she went back to her mothers after 3 days she didnt want to see me and it put to much stress on the family. the last time was at Christmas. I sent h er an email last week telling her I wanted her to come back to me as her mother is trying to put her on welfare and never takes her anywhere and the fiancee mentioned that she had talked to her social working abou tthe way she was being treated. TO my email she said she would not be coming back to me because she didnt really know me and she had made these mistakes in the past. There is so much more to tell but you get drift. She is parotting her mother because of her condition which is going backward because of the environment she is living in . But for some reason her mother has control over her and she will not stand up for herself. I feel like I am abandoning her if I move on but it is driving me crazy litterly (Had to take 2 mohts off work) to hang in there. Please advise and if you need more info let me know. F.

        • Luise Volta February 8, 2013 at 6:35 pm #

          F – There is no way I know of to make sense of the senseless. It takes two to play the co-dependent game and your fiancé showa no indication of breaking that pattern with her mother. My take is that you have been kind and patient and have given her your best. There’s a place where it’s important for your self-respect to be factored in. Some people are willing to be treated the way you’re being treated indefinitely but the fact that you wrote to me about this, indicates to me that it’s time for you move on. You’re a valuable human being and you deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

          • F. February 9, 2013 at 1:15 am #

            Thank you for responding, h I am amazed and flattered that you took the time to respond to my plight. Actually I habought a “Recovery” book and have processed the relationship and although I still love the girl I have found completion with the situation. Most of that is due to the fact that I was able to forgive the mother, I found pease. thank you so much again. you can truely know that you fullfilled your job here in this tiny space of time. F.

      • F. October 21, 2013 at 8:19 pm #

        Please HELP!….I have been married to my husband for 5 years, together for a total of 8 going on 9 years…..my inlaws at first were wonderful until they started visiting and going through our bank statements and visa bills questioning….i was like OMG!….then they came again and I was away at a training seminar and came home to my bdrm completely changed around and my closets reorganized and EVERYTHING, I MEAN EVERYTHING was moved…I was mortified. When we go on vacation down there they plan what we eat for breakkfast, where we go for lunnch, whoo we are visiting that day and whaat we r eating at dinner and what time……My husbands paretns still refer to themselves as “mommy and daddy”, even in front of friends at dinners….then one morning my husband asked me to get a fence poost ppounder at a rental shop, his dad made me 1/2 hr late for work, grosssed me out when i came back for lunch told me i was rude, born with a silver spoon in my mouth and that i was spoiled and it got into what my parents do for us. My mother has since passed and i thought that would change things but it has gotten worse….i long for family and they wont allow me at their home, expectt my husband to stay at their homee while i stay elsewhere because they wont agree to accept boundaries….they see me as trying to alienate my husband and all i want is to be a family and they wont listen…im very sad and its taking a toll on a relationship that has no problems other than this issue. F.

        • Luise Volta October 22, 2013 at 10:12 am #

          F. – Your comment needs more than a single response. Please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where you will get feedback and support from others facing similar issues. I will be there, too. Blessings, Luise

  153. D. June 13, 2011 at 2:19 pm #

    I can identify with each of you. However, my son is also one of the factors in this problem because he is an adult with ADD and underdeveloped social skills. Actually, one of the charming things about him is his naivete. In essence, a little boy in a grown man’s body. He met this wife online. Inside of one week they were sexually involved but I was unaware of it. He told me she was living in her grandmother’s unfinished basement and asked if she could come stay at our house. I stipulated that she had to pay rent and she would have a separate room. That very same day she moved in – literally. And when I saw her for the first time, I realized that she was anorexic. She admitted to being a recovering bulemic. Food in my pantry was pushed aside for hers, which was baby food and non-nutritional fillers. Dishes in my cupboard were replaced with hers. And, she never stayed in the room I prepared for her, instead she moved into my son’s room. I didn’t want to come off of as a prude, so i said nothing. She would sit and watch TV with me in the room and not say a word to me. If I left the room, she changed the channel to what she wanted to watch and still never said a word to me. During the time she was with us, I learned that the day they met on the internet, she had ended a 5 year engagement with someone else. I felt that my presence in my own home was disappearing and found myself keeping to my room to avoid her. My son worked a lot and at night, so I saw little of him. When I did see him, it was briefly as he headed to him room and there, behind closed doors, would start the sexual activity with this girl. The experience was embarrassing and humiliating. One time when his married brother came over to visit, the ceiling started creaking from the sexual activity upstairs. His brother got up from where he was sitting, stomped upstairs, and banged on the door, yelling at his brother to knock off the activity and start respecting the home. After a few weeks, I boiled over and demanded that she leave. My son got upset, took a stand, and left with her.

    As I’ve said, my son is not perfect. He has stolen from me, he lies often and has an unrealistic perspective of the world. Yet, the one thing he always affirmed was that he loved me and cared deeply for me.

    After they left my home, we learned that the girl was pregnant. She claimed she didn’t know when she got pregnant and stated that it was only a few weeks from the time she announced it. We calculated from the baby’s arrival and found that conception likely occurred the first week my son met this girl. Five months into the pregnancy, she proposes to my son and asks him to get married in Las Vegas so his child won’t be illegitimate. In essence, a shot-gun wedding.

    Not long after they start living together, my son loses the best job he ever had in his life. He had a 401(k), he was planning on going to school and he had promotion prospects. My son blamed me for losing his job because I had to retrieve furniture I was paying for and which he took out of my house for their little love nest.

    A few months after the baby is born, they disappear. It took me an entire year of searching on the internet to find them. They had moved 400 miles away to an area where a large number of her family members lived. My son now works his tail-end off at a thankless job that doesn’t pay him enough. Also, his employer is less than ethical and pays my son under the table so he can under-report his earnings in order to qualify for Medicare. Despite being on Medicare, they don’t have enough money for food and other necessities. After I located them again, I drove 400 miles and left a present for my granddaughter at the door. My daughter-in-law had a fit that I had found them. My son was overjoyed. Since that time, we’ve had a less than ideal relationship, although I have tried. I have gifted generously on holidays and birthdays. Despite that, I got to hold my granddaughter for all of 5 minutes when she was 18 months old. In the last 2 years, my son called to borrow money, which I paid in good faith believing that my granddaughter would go without if I didn’t. After the third incident of borrowing, I found that a week after they borrowed money from me they went gambling. So that ended.

    These days when I text my son, my daughter-in-law responds for him. How do I know? My son can’t spell for anything and the messages I get back are perfect in grammar and punctuation. In the last few weeks, my son called and said that they were going under financially. I work in the legal field and he asked me for financial help to file a bankruptcy. I told him I was tired of paying money to him and getting nothing in return, so I proposed that I would pay for a bankruptcy if he would move closer to me and get a job because jobs were better in my area than his. The reasoning of this was to get him away from his dishonest boss and to get him back in a situation where he had the medical benefits he so desperately needs. My son has a blood disorder and has had three heart attacks due to clotting issues in the last 18 months (he’s barely 30). My son was all for the plan and we proceeded with getting his credit report, with his permission and at my cost, getting copies of his 401(k) because the IRS says he owes taxes, etc. My daughter-in-law found out I was helping him, went ballistic and reamed him up one side and down another. She told him she would leave him if he went with my plan. After that, my son told me his boss gave him a raise and gave him $4,000 to pay for his bankruptcy. I doubt that this is true because I’ve been checking recent bankruptcy filings in the state and nothing has shown up.

    I know that my son is part of the problem. I worry about him because of his inability to see underlying motives of people and this makes him fairly meleable when it comes to people. I’m pretty sure my daughter-in-law’s bulemia is the underlying issue with her control. My daughter-in-law refuses to work citing the desire to stay home with her child until she is old enough for school. Now that my granddaughter is preschool age, my daughter-in-law has become pregnant again. I find it interesting that this came about just as the issue of her returning to work became a consideration.

    I’ve tried telling my son that he is in the middle of a controlling relationship, but my attempts only seem to distance him more. So, like everyone else, I’ve come to the realization that it is what it is. I can’t change this situation and in all likelihood, it won’t change. I am becoming used to the idea that I won’t have a relationship with my granddaughter or her yet to be born sister. It’s extremely painful to turn away, but I know I have to do this and force myself to look toward healthier relationships with my other son, his wife, and my grandson. Or with my daughter and her husband and their yet to be born children.

    I look back on this situation and remember the day I visited a women’s convention. While strolling through with my daughter, I became adventurous and handed a psychic $10 for a quick reading. One of the first things out of her mouth was that I was going to lose a child. . . . And so I have. D.

    • Luise June 13, 2011 at 5:32 pm #

      How terribly sad. You both deserve so much better than that. Blessings, Luise

  154. D. June 13, 2011 at 8:50 pm #

    Thank you Luise. My son needs them. Actually, he needs a miracle. D.

  155. A. June 15, 2011 at 7:40 pm #

    Wow. I really needed this site. I have a kind and loving MIL. However, my husband is the “screw up” and her other son the perfect one, the one who did everything she wanted him to do. When my husband and I got married she told him that there was nothing to celebrate, he was ruining his life. Not as much because of me, but b/c he was waiting tables and hadn’t gotten into medical school yet. She does not know that I am aware of this. She always treated me kindly and seemed to get on board. She has been kind and supportive. Now her eldest son is getting married. Whenever his girlfriend would come into town there was a family dinner. When I got into graduate school, we had a celebration dinner, no family, no cake, no wine. When the girlfriend came, there was always both. Now they brother are getting married. I ADORE my soon to be sister in law. She is kind, smart, hardworking, and fun. Perfect. She is also much more submissive than I am(it is a Latin family, the fiancée is Asian), I am like my less favored hubby. I am outspoken and sometimes say things that are a bit off color. I understand why she favors one son to the other. What hurts is seeing how she treats him, like a loser, that she loves but is still a loser since he is not where she thinks he should be. She tells him to grow up or act right. As the wedding nears my feelings have been DEEPLY hurt. She gave the bride elect a beautiful bracelet at her shower. Told everyone that it is tradition and told me that she wished she could have afforded a gold one instead of silver. I did not have a shower, no one in my family or any of my friends could come. I also never received a gift from my mother in law on the occasion of our wedding. My husband has addressed this fact. Her excuses were that we married so fast ( no faster than the other couple) and that I didn’t have a shower. BUT she had actually bought me a lovely bracelet as a grad school gift. It was very nice. She had it and gave it to him the time he addressed the issue. She just hadn’t had a chance to give it to me. I think that she simply was so unhappy about our wedding that getting me a gift escaped her mind. I do not believe she did this to slight me. My problem is that as a only child, I know that I am a casualty of the hierarchy between the sons. The DILS are just an extension. How do I learn to accept this and not take it personally? I adore my MIL, and yet am so hurt by this and hate her at times. It angers me that she doesn’t value him as much, and by extension me. I know that we are both more independent minded and make mistakes. Yet, we are forging our own path, not following the one she laid out. How can I learn to live with this without feeling constant resentment? My own husband tells me often that he knows his mother loves him, but that she doesn’t like him. In fact, I know she likes me better than him. He simply tells me that life isn’t fair and I shouldn’t get my feelings hurt. He has accepted his “role”. How do I focus on all her wonderful qualities and not feel hurt and slighted by her unintentional behaviors? A.

    • Luise June 16, 2011 at 8:16 pm #

      Come on over to my Web-forum that was created to focus on adult children and extended families. It sounds like you have a pretty clear take on what’s going and know you can’t do much about it. I think being part of my Web-community would serve you well and bring you support. You will get multiple suggestions and points of view. http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

  156. A. June 19, 2011 at 1:53 pm #

    I will. Thank you. I really need it. I want to be all loving. My family is small and full of elderly people. I want so much to be a good DIL, as soon my in-laws will be all the family that I have left. A.

  157. S. July 7, 2011 at 2:06 am #

    Hi,
    Just wanted to share my story. I’m DIL, in my MIL’s eyes probably a bad one as she can’t see anything wrong with her behaviour and why we are where we are today. No I haven’t taken her son from her, i would never want to spoil their relationship (although she’s ruined our marriage), she’s still seeing her grandson, we are visiting her and she’s visiting us but relationship between the two of us is cold.
    In the beginning, when i was just her son’s girlfriend our relationship was great, we used to meet up for lunch and go shopping together, we used to go to the gym and take aqua fitness classes… It was great and I couldn’t praise her enough. I said to my SIL how lucky she is to have such a wonderful MIL. I will never forget the expression of utter shock on her face and I’ll never forget the words she said :’if your relationship with T ever becomes serious, you will meet the real M, mark my words’.
    And unfortunately I met the real deal. It all started on the day we announced our engagement. She turned ice cold towards me. Than I let her plan the wedding, my parents live miles away so I thought it would be nice. Everything was to her liking including the guest list, I had to fought real hard to pick my own wedding dress. She couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to wear my SIL’s dress (ridiculous, girl never offered anyway) imagine two sets of wedding photos on the wall and both of her sons brides in the same dress. Anyhow, fast forward to my hen do, she had too much to drink and verbally attacked me for making plans behind her back with the girl I just met (all the guests were invited by her, my husbands cousins I never met before, only girl invited by me was made unwelcome and had left he party). My SIL told me that’s what I’m getting myself into and it’s not too late to change my mind. I didn’t, I stayed polite and put this episode down to wedding nerves.
    Fast forward few months, I was pregnant and got a bleeding, my husband was away and I rang her, she arrived 2 hours later and instead of taking ne to the hospital she took me to her house and went to bed.
    I lost the baby. Few months later I had one more miscarriage. Finally, a year or so later I had a successful pregnancy, we took her and my FIL on holidays with us, I was 5 months pregnant, couldn’t stand a heat and she wouldn’t let me open the umbrella so I went to the apartment, she followed me, initiated a row, then bursted into tears and went down to get the boys. To cut the story short I had to appologise to her in front of everyone for the things I never said or did and they believed her cos she’s ‘a saint’ and she can never do anything wrong. I learned a lot about my husband that day, she cometely controls him although he was 36 at the time. And he never took my side. He turned a cold shoulder towards my family from that day and he can’t forgive me for having an argument with his mum and telling her how much her behaviour hurts me. She was verbally nasty to me many times before but I never told him as I didn’t want to involve him, but that day I learned that he wouldn’t believe me anyway. And that pain is still here and I can’t shake it off, I have no love left for my husband. When baby was born he took her to the hospital with him to collect me, she pushed me out if the cubicle and dressed my son, than on the way to the car she told me I won’t be breastfeeding as she wants to bond with the baby by giving him bottles. The problem is she said all those things when noone is around, in front of her son and other members of the family she’s as nice as pie.
    Sorry for such a long rant, I had to take it out. I’m thinking of leaving my husband as our relationship is ruined and the trust is broken. I had one silly argument with her where she accused me of wanting to take her son of her and I lost it and told her how hurt I am cos of there accusations when none of it is true. My family lives far away and I always wanted to fit in and regarded her as a second mum. I made mistake of not telling him from the day one how she treats me, as I didn’t want to get between them, as I had uncle who’s wife was DIL from hell and he haven’t seen my gran for over
    20 years because of her.
    So, there’s always two sides to the story, or one side is really nasty. I don’t think all MIL’s are nasty just
    because I have one. But please don’t think that all DIL’s are nasty either, cos they are not. I’m so heartbroken over this situation.
    S.

    • Luise July 7, 2011 at 8:47 am #

      Bless your heart. Please come over to my Web-forum, http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com and join my community of women who are dealing with issues concerning adult childlren and extended families. You will get multiple perspectives there plus support and understanding. Blessings, Luise

  158. J. July 17, 2011 at 7:57 am #

    Hi Luise, It’s nice but sad too see so many other MIL’s having the same issue as I. My son will be getting married this October and I dread it. I have done everything in my power to make his fiance comfortable and a part of our family. But I always seem to get grief. I always seems to offend her in some way. I am so confused. Must I walk on eggs the rest of my life around this girl? I feel like she is looking for things to complain about, meanwhile my husband and I have done so much for my son and her. I understand that I need to accept that this is his choice and that I probably need to make the best of the situation. My son won’t even let me have a conversation with her in fear that she may get upset. He treats her like a piece of glass and the hell with the rest of us. I need help!!! I have shown her all the respect in the world, don’t I deserve the same. J.

    • Luise July 23, 2011 at 7:43 am #

      Oh, if all of us only were able to get what we deserved. It often doesn’t work out that way…and that is about others…not us. Please come over to my women’s Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com You will meet others there who are up against the same thing and who are helping each other. Blessings, Luise

  159. E. September 12, 2011 at 10:17 pm #

    It’s wrong to assume that because your son now has his own family and life, and he and his own new family decide to move and do their own things in life, that it is some conspiracy against you by a daughter in law, who is now (rightly) the most important person in her husband’s life. E.

  160. L. September 12, 2011 at 10:18 pm #

    Well, you raise them to grow up and have their own families, so LET them!L.

    • M. December 6, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

      So that means not see or speak to your family? M.

  161. Luise September 17, 2011 at 11:58 am #

    DIL – Please consider coming over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com . I think you would find support there. There are no easy answers and you sound like you are really up against it. WWU is a loving community of women struggling with these issues. Blessings, Luise

  162. M. September 27, 2011 at 8:40 am #

    This is the writer: 4914. I know your pain. Continue to Delight yourself in God, he will fill the void and dry the tears. Yes it hurts, really bady, but you must go on with your life, don’t allow the blind sideness of your son cause you to die unhappy. LIVE YOUR LIFE. I have chosen to move on with much prayer We will overcome this. Everyone says don’t do this, and don’t say that so you will not loose your son. I feel unless our sons have lost their minds, they need to wise up before losing their mothers, Don’ thow your momma away, M.

  163. M. September 27, 2011 at 8:46 am #

    My son has 3 children and his wife has 4, my son’s children don’t know much about me, so I asked my son if it would offend anyone if I spent some time with just his 3 sometimes, Oh we are talking different races,and it’s important for each person to know their culture, period. He said it would be fine, the next thing I know I get a text asking why I hate her. I have not asked again, and will not ask again. Life if too short and when you have spent your life raising your children and they become adults, they too will see the road they are paving and how hard it will be to cross sometimes. So I cry, pray and keep it moving. It’s all I can do. Time to live my life. This may seem cruel to some, but if you haven’t walked in another persons shoes you really never know what they have gone through. I feel my son knows where I am, if he wants to have a relationship with his family he will, and if he doesn’t, Oh well, I wish them well. Time to travel. M.

  164. A October 4, 2011 at 11:18 pm #

    HI, DIL here with major MIL problems. I grew up in a different country where we respected elders etc. I met and married my husband in the US. He is a very loving and caring person, always wanting to do the right thing. My MIL has taken a dislike to me so much so that even when I do something for her she does not want to acknowledge it at all. I have always felt like an outsider in family gatherings and my MiL has made comments that I am not social with the family. Now as far as I was concerned, we were Ok witheach other then a few days ago she starts making comments that I never do this that and the other. It ended in a screaming match with her coming towards me with her hands going for my throat saying she would kill me. She said this in front of her husband,mine and my 2 DDs. My hubby said lets leave and she accused me of wanting this to happen, and told my hubby (her son) that he did notcare about her. Now she is turning all the other women in the family against me and I just feel very alone and hurt and bullied. I dont know how to handle this. Please help! A.

    • Luise October 9, 2011 at 2:40 pm #

      A. Please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where you will get the benefit of a community of women, many of whom are up against the same thing. Blessings, Luise

      • Y. November 19, 2013 at 10:30 pm #

        I wish my further mother in-law can accept me as a further daughter in-law
        and hope they can understand me more.
        i hope one day can accept me as soon as possiable.
        I really like your son and love your love.mother. Y.

  165. Cats October 9, 2011 at 5:45 am #

    In my situation it is totally a problem they have with their own backgroud (mothers ) about which they have talked to me about.
    Now act as if these same mothers wonderful. I try to outsmart them with love and I handle what I have to completely as if I don’t see anything. My sons r not aware the intensity of the situation and I made my mind up a long time ago I would not be the one making them aware,I am very hurt.I was always very close with my boys and intend to stay so albeit they don’t talk as we did, but that is ok I have let go, but will never in my heart,I will not put them in the middle ever I have changed things socially, my sons may notice one day however I will still not stoop to those DIL levels. My biggest pain is my lovely daughter as they r ostricising her, she is the middle child and a very kind hearted and loyal person, she has gone through an abusive relationship,my sons have been there for her ( That is where the jealousy comes in) lost her daughters money from settlement from being constantly in court bcos left when daughters only 3 weeks old as it was starting on the child. I am so proud of her it has been going on (hell) for 41/2 yrs and these girls both know what this man has done to her their ostricising my darling grandaughter also. She doesn’t have family that cares for her only us,how can these girls be so cruel. I have had to support my daughter a little financially a loy emotinally and we have got her help she has come through so well and such a good mother,when she has felt like ending it all sometime, now these to awful girls it is all done so secretly as abusers do operate this way,they r now inviting my husband and I to functions but not my daughter and her family,I will not be accepting al invitations just the one I choose to,I have faith my sons will notice, but I will still not barate their wives just tell them their wives aren;t like us and I will never say anything more about DIL I think then they may see things for themselves or may not either way I am making my life and also my daughter is doing,in a different direction I still phone and keep in touch with my grandkids and our sons, who I might add sometimes ask me to have the kids a full week the other day I didn’t tell him I hadnt seen them for 6 monh we can’t change these girls too much jealousy. I might add my dear daughter met a lovely man they r now married, he is aware but talks to the guys at work one has done it before my son dnt turn against me so we all still keep in touch and find that these girls r now having to watch their Ps and Qs obviuosly they wanted our family to start it all and we didnt,one DIL did it before and my son came to talk to me yes she brought him into it I didnt and I told him always to remember that he asked me to talk to his wife and she had to talk with me and it worked out, but I never trusted her again and see she has done ot again, well she can bring him into it again cos I wont do that to him, she is a good wife and mother just a mean DIL and SIL. will never be the same evr again with her I will always know how to handle her always have and always will.Dont let them control u (bullys) that is what they r and control freaks and so so jealous of you and your sons.Keep sending things to your grandchildren as they get older they may see u for themselves not through DIL eyes,these girls will nbe seen sometime I am certain of that. Love and understanding to u all u deserve better,insist on that Cats x

  166. G. October 19, 2011 at 9:04 am #

    Am I wrong in thinking that our sons shouldnt allow any disrespect to their mother? I may be old school or something but I’m just horrified sometimes by the stuff that my narcissist d in law says to me and about me. I know for a fact that my son would never speak to or say those things about his wifes mother. And if he did, I’d be the first to tell him about it! I dont understand.. I’m saddened by this horrible illness. Just today, I’ve decided no contact at all with my d in law is best. My son is good with this. My granddaughter has been staying weekends at our house since she was about 4 weeks old. She is extremely close to us. She truly believes that our house is her weekend house. I’ve been threatened, and harrassed for the past 3 years by my d in law that she is “going to make some changes” that, “I wont see her again”. All kinds of foul language. Ugh.. all I can say is its just disgusting! Also, she txts me non stop hateful things one day out of every two weeks. I’ve told her, you wanna talk?, call me.. Nope, just txting.. So now each time she txt me, I dont answer by txt and call her instead. She wont answer the phone and proceeds with the txting! Anyway, I told my son the only thing I can do is to call her bluff on her threat yesterday about taking my granddaughter. So I did. I said make any changes you feel you need to. I had to take that one threat she has away.. Today, no more talking about it. I refuse to have my d in law in my life in any way shape or form from now on. My son is aware and agrees with me because he’s seen the txts she sends and the emails. She has gone as far as to send me nasty messages all day long and delete them and show my son the ones I sent back to her and cried why is your mom bothering me??!! Wow! Our family has always been very close. My d in law has done this to every single person in our family. She is no longer allowed at any of his brothers houses, he’s lost good friends, jobs, you name it because of this sick individual. I dont even know how to write everything that has happened and make it sound right so I’ll quit here. Narcissism is a bad, nasty, mental illness.G.

  167. K., October 19, 2011 at 9:17 am #

    You know. I’m having the same problem from the flip side. My mother in law (we’ll just call her B for now) hates me. She hates anyone her sons (and she has 3) get involved with. Were married and she still introduces me as his “Friend”. She has literally told me I was “stealing her son” away from her.

    Bear in mind that my husband calls her every night to see how she is, and goes home for brunch on the weekends, without me.

    Yet, I can picture her posting exactly what you wrote. I would suggest you look at your own behavior (because every story has two sides) and see what you have done to make this worse. Then stop doing it. I know it would make me like B a lot more.K.

    • M. December 6, 2012 at 4:25 pm #

      Exactly! Actually 3 sides to a story and you might not be saying everthing you do. SO LOOK AT YOURSELF. M.

  168. E. October 22, 2011 at 4:33 pm #

    My grandson27, getting married on March 20 and having reception on March 23, my birthday. He is getting married in City Hall and only her mother/father and his mother, stepfather, three siblings and best man invited.
    Over the past years, I literally helped bring him up due to an absentee drug ridden non supportive father, he lived in my home for the past seven years and off and on with his mother before that time, I bought him his first car for work, I gave him $15,000 as a gift after the sale of my mother’s house. Over the past seven years he has broken many valuable things in my home and refused to take responsibility for them, last year brought a large doberman in my home who chewed up some of my valuable furniture and his response was that as far as he was concerned, I should get a professional to repair it but he is not going to pay. I have given him so much and yet he doesn’t appear to have any empathy or warmth towards his own family but caters to her family because they have money. Is my grandson a psychopath? E.

    • Luise October 27, 2011 at 6:02 pm #

      E. Your grandson sounds more like a “use” than wnything else. He seems to lack respect. I’d stop giving and doing and if necessary, caring… until he stops his abusive beahvior.

  169. C. October 26, 2011 at 8:59 pm #

    I want to say I totally understand what yall are all talkin bout…and Im not in a Mother in law/Daughter in law battle…I just wanted to say ..as I feel for each abnd every one of you..Because my son’s first wife was a total evil person as was her family…thank good he got out of that marriage before he passed away …
    as for me ..I have THE MOST WONDERFUL Inlaws..I didnt think it possible to have Inlaws as great as mine are..my first set was ok but NOT as good as these are .I hope each of you would be able to experience such a wonderful closeness as i feel to my mom in law and dad. C.

  170. G. November 8, 2011 at 12:01 pm #

    I am a married man in his thirties and I’ve seen and understood it all. The fact of the matter is “Women hate their mother in law”. Plain and simple. When a woman gets married, she would naturally see her MIL as a competitor (does my MIL have more love for my husband or do I?). She’s in-secured and jealous towards her MIL from day one of her marriage. Their relationship is like that Israel and Palestine. There can be only 4 possible scenarios but in all the 4 scenarios, there are fights between MIL and DIL (The 4 scenarios are (1) MIL good and DIL wicked (2) DIL good and MIL wicked (3) Both MIL and DIL wicked, and (4) Both MIL and DIL good). My wife also had bitter relations and distrust towards my mom from day one. I had a vision from day one of my marriage that always love our wife and do everything giving her priority in life. I never asked my mom/dad or sister when we made any plans to go out, I would never chat with them for too long, making my wife insecure. I’ve always lived like an independent husband because I knew in my heart that the moment I would lean towards my mom/dad/sister in any way, my wife may not like it. So I have always kept that attitude towards life. But still, my wife could never trust me, my parents, or my sister. In fact, my wife and I had lived independently for the first 3 years of our marriage and she NEVER had to interact with my parents during all that time. We had so much fun during the first 3 years. But as soon as my parents arrived, my life became so miserable in spite of me being so open to my wife and constantly assuring her (through words and actions) that I love her even more than my parents or sister. So finally I understood that it’s just that girls have a natural bitterness and enmity in their hearts towards their MIL. I tried to explain this to my wife so much that she just naturally hates my mother, she would just be in denial and tell me that that’s not true. I also told my wife plainly (in a nice way of course) that when our two sons will get married, we will get DILs that will (from day one) hate you so much (even though you try to do nice things for them). I told my wife that we both will try to stay as far away from our married sons and will never interfere in their affairs after their marriage. Yes, I told her in plain words that girls hate their MILs, and she would only understand this bitter fact of life once she’ll become a MIL. G.

    • Luise November 11, 2011 at 10:51 pm #

      Like all generalizations…what you write is true sometimes. At other times it is not. I have a Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnit.com where both sides of this issue are shared and great deal of healing is taking place. The opposite of often true, as well…and totally lovely DILs are hated by their MILs before they even get to meet them. It would serve you well is you were open to having one of them join your clan.

  171. G. November 23, 2011 at 10:54 am #

    Luise, I know it’s not always the case, sometimes even the MILs are jealous of good DILs and they treat them badly. However, if there are 100 MILs and DILs, 90 of the DILs hate their MILs and may be 10 of MILs would treat their DILs badly. I am an immigrant in the US. I sat down with a pen and paper and wrote down the names of about 35 girls. Guess what, all these 35 girls got married, and effectively kicked their FIL and MIL out of the house, and conveniently called their own parents from our country, and lives with them. And now she’ll expect her husband to live with his in-laws even though his in-laws may have more weaknesses than his parents. The DILs always badmouth their MILs in front of other people. They never have anything good to say about their MILs. There are more cases of DILs simply hating their MILs than vise versa. I am convinced of this fact. The ball is almost always in the court of the DIL. She can choose to be patient if she wants. But if she just has a natural hatred towards her in-laws, then she’ll always keep finding faults in her in-laws. I have seen very very few cases where the MIL is wicked and she always causes a stir in the house (I am sure there are a few cases like that). G.

  172. L. November 28, 2011 at 5:52 pm #

    I am a DIL to a very needy, selfish and manipulative woman. I have been married for 6 years and have just recently realized that there is no pleasing her and that it is not my fault. I’m sure she would have the same sad stories as some of the MILs that have commented. She begs to see more of her grandchildren and to be more involved in their lives. She would undoubtedly paint me as the horrible woman who stole her son and keep her from her grandchildren. The problem is that I can never give her enough, and I will never put her feelings before my children or my marriage, and that is what she expects. When my first son was born, we visited often, and she held my son constantly. I had to physically pry her hands from him to take him to nurse. Holding my newborn wasn’t enough, she wanted to me to “go for a walk”, or “take a nap” or otherwise leave the room. When I obliged, she wanted me to leave him overnight and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to be separated from my nursing baby. She was “hurt” and made me look like the bad guy. Since that time, she has begged and pleaded to be more involved in our life. Is it so unreasonable to ask that this woman appreciate the time that she has with us and stop begging for more more more? If she weren’t so demanding and unpleasant to be around, we would surely want to spend more time with her. L.

    • Luise November 28, 2011 at 9:11 pm #

      L. – Nope, you’re not one of “those” DILs. It’s not unreasonable to wish your MIL would appreciate what you offer but it’s not going to happen. She is self-absorbed and insecure and wants to live her life through you. If you let her, you would have no authority in your home or with your children. She isn’t going to change, in all probabliity, and you are going to have to hold her at arms length for ages. She isn’t going to get a life. Good for you for taking a stand and good for your husband for backing you. If you need support, please come over to my Web-forum for women who have issues with adult children and extended families. You will find you are not alone in this. You will also find caring and sharing…listening and understanding. in our coommunity. And often healing takes place there even when things stay the same. We are at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

  173. R.. November 28, 2011 at 5:58 pm #

    My son is engaged to a girl I cannot stand. We have had a number of arguements. I am torn as to whether I should go to the wedding. It is not a happy day for the rest of our family as no one likes her at all. I have spent thousands on helping them to get set up and also been helping them with bills for a number of years now and felt sorry because money was tight for them. Only to find she has been squirrelling money away which my son did not have access too. We have had a number of arguements with her. I have helped out with babysitting and school transports because she lost her drivers license. She is very selfish, resorts to domestic violence on my son, uses people and now wants to move some 2 hours from where they live now whih means my son has to drive 2.5hrs one way to get to work. He has another daughter to another girl some 7 yrs ago and has always her on 50/50 shared custody. Now with this move he will only see her every 2nd weekend (when not working) and school hols. The sons fiance wants to put her son (to another fellow currently in jail) into a particular school in the new area but seems willing to sacrifice my sons first daughter to achieve this. My son and this girl have another daughter together whom I love to death. She has told me I can only see her when my son says I can. I know when they move I will rarely if ever see them. I am very upset about the whole situation and feel I am losing my son. R.

    • Luise November 28, 2011 at 9:02 pm #

      R. – As far as I know there is nothing you can do about any of it. Your son made a choice and he is paying the price. If and when he has had enough…things may change. I would go to the wedding just on the off chance I might wish I had later for some reason…but I would close the purse strings. The move sounds nuts to me but your son is caving in and backing her up. None of it makes any sense and you deserve so much better. My gues is that it’s time to get a life that has nothing to do with all of it. You can’t be with grandchildren you are not allowed to see. The whole thing rests on your son’s shoulders and he’s not taking a stand.

  174. D. November 29, 2011 at 1:06 pm #

    You MIL’s are very paranoid and think that all DIL’s are out to seperate you from them- we’re not- we just want your son’s to grow up and cut the apron strings !

    We do not “lay the ground work” – we just want your sons to be a man and stop being such babies.

    Let your sons be men and grow up – they are SUPPOSED to leave the nest and be with their wives and raise their families. You guys think because they a new woman in their life they don’t love you – they still do- but they have to grow up and live their life and you need to let them !

    I have a crazy mother in law who met me at the door with a shotgun threatening to kill me for “taking away her “little boy” I pulled down his pants and showed her that he’s “Not a little boy” anymore !

    She stopped that crap right there and then.

    LET THEM GO – LET THEM GROW UP AND BE REAL MEN! D.

    • N. June 4, 2013 at 10:35 am #

      Grow up you say???? Then the daughter-in-law will need to stop treating her husbands parents as if they are ATM machines! If you want to grow up, quit expecting a check to fund your dream every step of the way. As parents of the son, we have feelings too. My daughter in law is on baby # 4 and has been married to our son for 10 years. She has NEVER worked one day………….expects us to pay for a vast majority of things while she pumps out children they can not afford. We think about the children and continue the madness by enabling them. I guess we are very caring and loving people or are just STUPID! N.

      • Luise Volta June 4, 2013 at 10:55 am #

        N – Please consider coming over to the my Web-forum that is focused on adult children and extended families. A very supportive “family” will welcome you there. Blessings, Luise

  175. B. December 4, 2011 at 5:11 pm #

    I have read all the comments and I am a MIL with a DIL who has problems. I have done everything that I know to try to get to know her before and after they married. She and my son never had time for us before they married, they were always doing something or going somewhere, which is understandable to a point then it just comes down to whether they want to be around you or not. We do not know her or her famiy. They have been married for about a 1 1/2 years and are expecting a baby. I am hoping that things will improve but I know that my son has allowed for her to act in the way she has and continues to do so. He is just as responsible as she. I honestly don’t know her. A fine example of what she does is…we had paid for the rehearsal dinner when they married and she cancelled it and told my son to tell me that she hoped we could get our deposit back. We did not give any gift for the wedding after this happened because of this insult. They did have a rehearsal, this was the first of many things that she did to us. This was my son’s second marriage and her first. She has isolated my son from his family and friends. Now it is her family and her friends. We have just removed ourselves from the situation at hand and have accepted that if they want to be apart of our lives they will, if not, they won’t. I could go on and on but acceptance is key for you to move on and realize that you did everything you could to raise them with values and to be responsible and sensitive and open to others regardless of age and race, sex etc. and realize that once they reach age of responsiblity for their actions, it is them, not us who is making the choices. They are the adults and responsible for their own actions. Thanks for having this special place to share . B.

    • Luise Volta December 10, 2011 at 12:35 pm #

      B. You’re welcome. Please come over to my Web-forum for women who have issues with their adult children and extended families. You will fit right in. http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

    • C. August 22, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

      I have a son in the Airforce and got a girl pregnant which is now his wife. Me and my DL didn’t have any problems until her mother realized we had a good relationship, that is when all my trouble started. I have tried to help them and walked on egg shells because of fear I wouldn’t be allowed to be apart. I have a 7 mos granddaughter that I love and brings me such joy. Well everything came to a head with my DL and son 2 days ago. She has lied and has my son believing I am the devil and I can no longer be apart of my son’s and granddaughter’s life. Then today my DL’s mother put on Facebook that my son is being depoyed. I am heart broken and feel like I am going to lose my mind and have no idea what I should do. I am not perfect but I tried so hard and put up with pain and hurt for the last 16 mos. my DL is all about her family and I know everything can’t be 50/50 all the time but I would be happy if I received respect and got 20%. Please help me, how can I learn to deal with this? C.

      • Luise Volta August 23, 2012 at 5:57 pm #

        C – I think you need multiple viewpoints on this and a support system…not just a single response. Please come over to my Web-forum. I will be there and so will many others who have dealt with the same kind of problem. I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

  176. A. January 13, 2012 at 3:54 pm #

    My story seems to be bit different but some how hope some one might have an answer.
    Am an asian girl and my fiance is a European guy. He made a request for me that its better if i can spend some days with his parents for new year how ever before marriage its better to know MIL and FIL better. Apparently there is not problem with MIL but she doesnt like me at all no matter how much i love my guy. its really hurting some one doesnt like me because am darker than her son. Am an asian not an african me and my guy having a color difference but its not too much. She doesnt really show her dislike for me but after i left his place she had used very bad words when her son asking her if she likes me. Her son is desperate and of course he will leave his place and his country both and we will settle some where else. But since he is the only child i dont like being selfish when his parents old i was really expecting to treat them like my own. But now how can i look after some one who doesnt even like me. Any one having any solution what i can do to make her like me.. because i cant really forget because of her i have got my fiance in my life.. i dont like that bond between son and mum being bad. A.

    • Luise Volta January 14, 2012 at 12:50 pm #

      A. Please consider coming over to my Web-forum at http://WWW.WiseWomenUnite.com where a community of caring women share their issues and work on solutions. I would like you to have the benefit of dialoging about your issue with others, not just me. (And I will be there.) Blessings, Luise

  177. E. January 15, 2012 at 10:45 pm #

    When I was growing up one of the things that I looked forward to when I had my own family was my children spending time with their grandparents. I had great relationships with my maternal grandparents, but not my paternal grandparents, and I was not going to have my children face a similar fate. I met my husband online (way before it was cool to do so) in 1995, right out of high school. After a year of dating my MIL went from liking me to NOT because I agreed with her son that if he wanted to go to school he should. Throw in a remark that my mom married my dad for money (which is a joke, mom had more $$ than my dad), and a small petty spat in the mix with my boyfriend. I didn’t feel exactly ready to go over to their house for a birthday party/dinner with them that year. My husband understood, we had made up, and we would meet later. I was 17 at the time. Apparently I had “ruined” his birthday. This would lead to several months of harassment from her, and her not talking to me. My husband bought me a promise to get an engagement ring, ring. She found out about it and told him, that when we break up, she is getting that ring. Of course that did not happen, and he called her a couple of years later to tell her we were getting married. Her exact words were, “Are you just just marrying her because we don’t like her?”. Several years we were ignored, until his dad’s mom passed away. It was an awkward reunion, but I was being there for my husband. At one point he had gotten sleepy and fell asleep on the sofa and I had the “nerve” to try to wake him up. He was my lifeline at his grandpa’s house. I was on crutches, so I couldn’t even go take a nice walk somewhere. Well from that moment on we talked for a little while, not a real relationship, but one where I could tolerate all of her rude comments to me. I moved away, and then she REALLY got buddy buddy with me, because she wanted me to fly out to see them, since instead of 15 minutes away, we were not 34 hours away. We even got a card, “Think romance, make babies” well that month, I found out I was pregnant. I ended up with Post-Partum Depression VERY bad that I was put on disability to get myself together. We had to move back to her town. My hubby found a job sooner than expected so they let us stay there for 2 months while we still paid on our other apartment. During that 2 months, she proceeded to make my life a living %@#$!!! I was not supposed to be alone with my son, and she would yell at my husband for helping me out, saying it was my responsibility. I was yelled at to make the baby shut up, of course my husband was out working at the time, so I couldn’t lean on him for any help. I was on so many meds to try to feel better, and this was not helping. We moved into our own place and she complained that we moved too far away. We lived 15-20 minutes from her house. This started more arguments. Then she didn’t like the 3 rules that we had for our son 1.) No racist comments in front of him, 2.) No swearing, & 3.) No peanut butter (he wasn’t allowed to have it yet). They didn’t know that our son came with so many rules. They proceeded to make fun of my son when he got Christened that he was in a Christening Gown, and how dare I put him in a dress. How dare I let my son go to church, how dare I want to put him in a private school. We had to beg her to take pictures for his 1st birthday party. She pouted and made a scene because non family members were not invited to this shoot that my dad paid for. Only my husband and son were invited to their house the first Christmas we spent out here, I told my husband (I regret it now) to go and maybe when she gets her sanity back, we can enjoy Christmas together. So the following Christmas we invited her to our house Christmas afternoon, which was my husband’s only day off. She said no, she wouldn’t come over to my house, and only my husband and my son were allowed over her house. My husband stood up for me and said he was not going to be a single dad like he was the year before. She quipped back that I guess he doesn’t need family, she will let the rest of the family know. She further stated she gave away all of his Christmas Presents to charity (my son doesn’t need them, it was just rude) and that also included donating the presents that her sister mailed to my son, and she did NOT want them donated, she wanted my son to have them. One of the most crazy things she ever said (which started our first spat when I was 17) was that “Only stupid people go to college, and you (meaning my husband) was too stupid to go). Well now this woman misses out out on the most amazing little boy who is now 3. My FIL is not allowed to talk to my husband because it will cause a fight with my MIL. They have not spoken in over a year. This is their only grandchild, and will probably be their only grandchild. This was our miracle baby… What hurts more than anything, is that I know it hurts my husband deep down. This woman does not need to like me, I do not need to like her, she should know how to be cordial enough so that she would not have missed out on his last two birthday parties. While most people tell me I should hate this woman…. I cannot…. She gave birth to my wonderful husband (I have no idea how he turned out normal) who in turn, gave me our beautiful son. My husband’s late grandmother warned me when I was 18, that this woman will pick on someone in the family to fight with (for YEARS) and I was going to be a good choice, because I was stealing her baby away. What is so sad, is that my MIL & FIL recently discovered a LOVE for hockey (and they used to make fun of my being into sports), and they go quite often 45 minutes away to the local AAA Hockey games. I thought that it would be a wonderful bond for them to have, just as I had a bond of baseball with my grandpa. Sadly, these stories are just barely scratching the surface. E.

    • Luise Volta January 17, 2012 at 1:09 pm #

      E. Too much drama, too much “he said/she said.” It’s easy to get hooked on it. Let it all go and just try to get on with your life. Blessings. Luise

  178. M.J. August 12, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

    I am a widow, have been a widow for 24 years. Seven years ago my son and daughter-in-law asked me to move in with them when they b ought a home. After careful consideration, and because my daughter-in-law were very close I decided to move in with them. I retired three years ago because they were having difficulty with child care. I have two teen age granddaughters. Unfortunately our relationship had gone down hill since I retired. She finds fault in me, and becomes angry if i discipline the girls. I do not spank, but I do talk to them whenever they do something unacceptable. My daughter-in-law seems to feel as if the girls do nothing wrong, even though she says she knows they aren’t perfect. She is very permissive, and I’m strict, and my husband and I raised our children with rules and were strict. I know I am not perfect, I know at times I can be difficult, but my daughter- in law seems to feel she does nothing wrong. everything seems to be my fault. Recently i found, by accident, something she wrote about me. It was so negative, i was so shocked and upset. But I decided to tell her how sorry i was that I had done things to upset her, and to ask her forgiveness. She wouldn’t look me in the eye, and only said she was sorry she didn’t tell me when I irritated her, but did not say she forgive me. I am ready to move out to an apartment. I am70 and in good health, I just do not know what to do. I have been avoiding her, staying in my room, and feeling bad about myself. What do you think? M.J.

    • Luise Volta August 13, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

      M. J.- It’s time to move. In your DIL’s home her rules apply. You don’t need to agree but you need to carry out her wishes. They are her children. You raised your children your way…now this is about it being her way, without judgment. As as said, it’s time to move. Blessings, Luise

  179. B. December 18, 2012 at 12:07 am #

    son always obey to his mother. son is the only one in the family with 2 sisters. mother used to get son to solve any issue in the house. one day, son start to argue with mother why she is not fair to him between siblings. he felt unhappy with mother due to the unfairness. son brought the matter to mother as wife complaint. mother now is upset with son.

    1. is the wife did the wrong thing that she shouldn’t be complaining? but wife not happy seeing that mother treat son like that….
    2. what can they do on such situation?

    please advise B.

    thank you.

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