Question: Dear Luise: I have a 16 year old son, that I had when 21. Shortly after he was born I had to move back in with my parents because I was going through a divorce. ( please know it was best for my child) A couple years later we moved to our own place and I finally remarried. I am very grateful my parents were there for my son and I. However I am a only child and my mother was never able to have anymore children. So sadly she kind of took over my son. And does not mind speaking poorly of me. I remarried and had two other children. My son has always been spoiled by my parents whatever he wanted. So, today at 16 he will run to their home on the weekends. Which is fine but they have no respect for me. Therefore he has no respect for me. When i say no respect I mean he becomes violent and verbally abusive. And my parents respond to that by saying “just let him come to our home” I feel like my own mother is turning my child aginist me. And very sad about this. I guess my own solution is to keep my distance? NOw that my son is 16 i really cannot control who he visits. But very sad, I love my son. V.
Answer: Dear V.: The situation of your parents’ over-involvement with your 16 year-old son has a long history. You are right, there isn’t much you can do about it now. The dynamics have been in place for a long time.
They were there for you and your son when you needed them and in the process of helping you over the years, they gained a position of authority in your son’s life. Also, they never had a son, so he may have filled an empty spot in their lives. Spoiling, unfortunately, often follows.
It is unfair that they are so critical of you. You deserve a lot better. The way you have lived your life and raised the rest of you children attests to that. However, some parents tend to see their adult children as still under their authority. Criticism often follows.
Please come over to my Web-forum: www.WiseWomenUnite.com I think you will find support and understanding there. Blessings, Luise