Question: Dear Luise: Around 9 months ago I met a girl through my workplace that at the time I felt nothing for. After around 6 months her and I had grown to be very good friends however I had grown to feel much more deeply for her. I finally built up my courage to actually tell her how I felt however when I did tell her about how I felt the feelings weren’t reciprocated. Now I’m not a stranger to rejection so I didn’t take it very hard at all. However her initial response was quite surprising and unusual, she just told me she wanted to be friends and that this didn’t matter. So we continued with our lives the way they were but eventually she got very conscious of how I felt even though I wasn’t acting on it, and eventually she went as far as to completely jump track and leave my life excluding work. Eventually after about a month of time, she went through a very similar experience herself in which she was in my place except that the guy she felt for did feel the same way for her, but he was actually engaged to another woman. After she went through that she came back to me with the realization that she had overreacted. Well things have been going well for the last month sense she came back to me, however she knew that I still had feelings for her. Just recently she said my feelings are getting out of hand and she doesn’t like any of it and that it’s hard to even look at me… Is their something I’m missing here? I mean I don’t like where how I feel is taking our friendship, it keeps messing things up between us and I love our friendship for what it offers and would take being a friend over paramour any day but I just can’t understand why I can’t personally move on when I know that nothing will happen between the 2 of us. T.
Answer: Dear T.: It seems to me that what you are missing is the fact that the woman is all over the place emotionally. That’s quite often pretty hard on those who are near and dear.
She knows how you feel and my guess is that what she knows is getting in her way not your behavior are attitude. The climate of your friendship is too much for her to sort through, apparently…and easy-going friendship has gone by the board.
I think I would back away if I were you. She is again finding it difficult to be friends. All of the off-again-on-again feelings are within her. You are just there, willing to be in her life in whatever way works best for her.
My take is that you deserve better. Why not open up to the possibility that there is someone “out there” that would treat you with more consistent respect and affection? Blessings, Luise