I’m Disinheriting Them

Question: Dear Luise: I have 3 grown sons and 3 beautiful daughter-in-laws and a wonderful 2nd marriage. My sons lost their father from als 4 years ago.  My oldest son had shown signs of being greedy with family money when my mother died. She thought of my sons as hers.  No boundaries in our family!!  Since then he has become more and more greedy and lying about it to his wife who now excludes me from the family and Grandchildren (4 teenagers.) She, the wife, has never talked to me but tells the family I am a liar, about what, we are not exactly sure.  They both are verbally abusive to me and have told me that I am “crazy”. They have called the bank (I am co-executer of the family trust until I die or become disabled, then it goes to my son) and demanded they be sent monthly copies of the trust. The bank said “no” that was not their responsibility. My oldest son has been dishonest with me on several occasions involving money. Consequently I am leaving a considerable amount of land and money to my other 2 sons and my oldest sons children and leaving son and daughter-in-law out.  They don’t know this as of now. My next step is to try for family counseling with my husband and me and son and daughter-in-law. This means a 6 hour drive for us and a motel stay. My youngest son suggested this a year ago as husband I have been kicked out of family get-togethers and it is hard for him to travel 2 places on holidays. Am I doing the right thing? I have not had a decent nights sleep in 3 years over the state of things. As best I can tell we simply are a very narcissistic family and this has been passed down one generation after another. D.

Answer: Dear D. How far you are willing to go to try to repair the damage that you do not understand or feel responsible for, is up to you. We are all different regarding how much abuse we can tolerate.

You might want to bring this issue to my Web-forum: www.motherinlawsunite.com . I created it for the express purpose of addressing issues involving adult children.

I know a lot of people won’t agree with me but I would vote to let your eldest son and his wife have their hate program and move on without them. Family get-togethers built on biology alone would not appeal to me. They are either matters of the heart…or they aren’t. If my other sons and their wives wanted to join my eldest for the holidays, I would set up non-holiday get-togethers with them and enjoy those thoroughly. Then I’d probably take a cruise or something when I was excluded.

Counseling is something that may appeal to your younger son who doesn’t want to celebrate double holidays, but that kind of dishonesty and disloyalty is too toxic in my opinion to take to the counseling table in the hopes of a “happily ever after.”

That’s just my opinion, of course. I simply wouldn’t go there. You have been unjustly accused and now in a counseling venue you are going to have to defend yourself against those accusations. What’s wrong with that picture?

Where your will is concerned, I think what you plan to do makes sense, if your attorney sees it as legally feasible. You are not leaving your eldest son’s children out, you are just closing the door on someone who has attacked you unfairly, causing you great pain and suffering…and who has chosen to close the door on you. Why would you reward that kind of unmerited behavior? Blessings, Luise

One Response to I’m Disinheriting Them

  1. S. January 28, 2010 at 11:16 am #

    If this was a bad dream Id understand. Ive said to my Mom “what did I do” besides all the times 100% of the times Im left out of my family get togethers, the ones which are just for fun to party down at what once was the get away place Id go to any time I wanted to without an invation as well as planned multiple family member get togethers. This all happened very suddenly with me having to live with consquenses for the last ten years. What started as a series of bad medical catestrophic events to my wife and business and medical 100% disabiliy of myself as well as my wife, ended with if this was a NFL game my Mom would have been thrown out of the game for piling on. Sorry for the (syonon)but do to the lack of an explanation from my Mother for her to start off by saying ” your 55 years old I dont have to invite you out for dinner or take you down where I go for weekends your old enough to take care of yourself. Your not my responsibility.” Whats been impossible is to have a conversation with my Mom. To sit down at the table and say whats on her mind and mine. Instead, Ive given her all the time and cosideration and respect she deserves as an 80 year old mom , grandmother and plain old human being. Ive sat by and watched and kept my mouth shut not to make any disturbaces for 10 years because of what I know is whats behind and right up front in your face the reason for my Mom to do everything she has done, Number one is my two beautiful just about perfect children, not just children but daughters! Daughter being the key word. My Mom, and now is where I d like to say my Mom is so spoiled and used to getting everything she wants no matter what. A father who coulodnt say no, to a husband who agreed with her to originally to try and try again for one baby as long as it was a girl four sons later. The marriage had gone south, due to his fooling around with neighbors wives and others witch she became bitter divorced him and moved out of the state which I think she did just to hurt him back by making it difficult for him to see his 4 boys, especially hurt by this was me. I think I may of been his favorite and only one who missed him and after high school went back to NYC where he lived. After a year he died in a dragic accident smoking in bed. Without going on and on what happened to me or how my mom took it then and now may harbour bad feelings toward me. Lets say I did that and what seems to be a key factor, back in 1970 my gilrfriend of mine and I wanted to raise money to do something like go to a 2 day rock concert maybe I dont rember but I do remember we took several things from the store room one being and old modal ship wich we sold for $40 40 years latter my mom says she doesnt trust me because I stole her boat, that has been how she has explained to me and also one more thing 10 years ago where I begin in the begininning of this responce, when the Illness begin also my businss was lost along with my house and little did I know then my daughter were lost to. Well through all this I spent 150,000 dollars my IRA 20,000 of money put away for collge for my daughters and now I had zero income I was depert and sold s cast iron lamp for $75 and because there was another my mom kept saying how could you take my lamp and sell it and now Im left with one nopt a set of very valuble lamps, not never was but maybe value is in the eye of the beholder. Now add selling the lamp into selling the boat now Ive developed a pattern and Im not only not to be trusted but Ived been leftout and what amounts to a reason to disown me. S.

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