I Feel So Sad For Time Wasted

Question: Dear Luise: I have read all of your comments about death and like what you have to say, your compassionate and positive point of view, but I can’t seem to absorb it.  I lost my mom recently and I am in daily agony.  She was my best friend and my favorite person in the world.  I thought we would have more time.  I am obsessing about the letter of gratitude I meant to but never got to write to her (it became a eulogy; what is the point when she can’t hear it?), and all of the things I meant to do but hadn’t gotten to yet.  I was busy with small children.  I visited often but it feels not often enough, not at all.  My heart is broken.  I feel that I can’t live without her — facing decades without my mom feels like absolute torture.  I know she would want me to feel joy, and gratitude for all we had, but I can’t get there.  I feel any lists or letters are futile, as she is gone, and I just want to bring her joy in life — but she is gone from this life.  I feel so sad for time wasted and time we will never have again. A.

Answer: Dear A.: You are right where you would expect to be on the road to recovery. None of us live perfect lives and we all have unbearable regrets when we have such a loss. Your mother was your oldest friend. She was your friend 9 months before you took your first breath. Anyone who sails through such a loss unharmed is in deep denial and even deeper trouble.

It’s normal not to want to stay in a world that doesn’t include your mom. It’s unthinkable. You have to feel that way and go through that to heal and you feel like you never will, I’m sure. You may not even care whether you do or not.

Every day of this pain is part of your journey out of the blackness. That’s all I can tell you. I am 83 years old and I have lost my parents, my siblings and my sons. You can trust me with this. Blessings, Luise

4 Responses to I Feel So Sad For Time Wasted

  1. A. October 12, 2010 at 11:35 am #

    Dear Luise,
    Thank you for you compassionate response. I am not much better, but trying. I read about a medium in one of your answers, so I gave it a try. There is something comforting about it, but I find I can’t really believe. I would love to believe. If my mom’s spirit were really communicating, why would the medium get some things right, and some wrong? Why would anything be wrong, if it were truly my mom? She wouldn’t be guessing — she would know! I don’t want to be so resistant, but is seems like even a great medium is just a very intuitive person offering grief counseling (and maybe using a bit of Googling, with the aim of helping people through horrible times?)– if the spirits can communicate, why wouldn’t they do so in a clear and direct way? How can I get myself to believe? It would give me great comfort, but it feels like a fairy tale. Can I just decide to believe because it is too devastating to think my mom is just absolutely gone? A.

    • Luise October 20, 2010 at 8:50 pm #

      I would just make it up that I believed and take what I could use and allow it to help me heal.

  2. A. October 14, 2010 at 12:33 pm #

    I tried posting before but am not sure it went through, as I don’t see the comment here. Thank you for your compassionate response. I am still walking through the fire of grief and am missing my mom fiercely every minute of every day. I saw in other posts you mentioned a medium; I would love to believe in spirits that way but can’t seem to get over my disbelief. How can I believe? How can I not let my rational mind say they are guessing or just intuitive and Googling a bit but in reality, our dead are dead, and not flying around in some spirit world tuning into emails and so on? I want to believe, desperately, but it makes no sense at all. I tried the medium. Some stuff was true and some stuff wasn’t right. If it were really my mom communicating, she wouldn’t be guessing, it would all be true, so why would even one thing be wrong? And how does it make sense that my mom could tune into an email to a stranger? I’m so confused and desperate for comfort. A.

    • Luise October 20, 2010 at 8:55 pm #

      You submitted another question and I have answered it. I know you are facing a really tough time. Blessings, Luise

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