Question: Dear Luise: I am looking for some help with 2 pushy mothers and a generally pushy family. I have been with my guy for a bit over 5 years, living together 2 years, and had a mortgage with him for the past 6 months. Once to twice a week my mother will call me up and remind me to warn her when we get engaged so she can get on some fancy diet or other to look her best for the wedding, her other line that always sends my eyes rolling just a bit is “I don’t want to sound pushy but have you to talked about getting married?”. I’ve explained to her after realizing she wouldn’t let it lie that A) his parents had a bizarre and messy divorce right as he was finishing high school (as in writing his letters to college) and marriage is an awkward subject. B) We just bought a condo and a new (for us) car, money is not flowing in excess right now and weddings are a little expensive to say the least.. I think those two main reasons are enough personally, but they are worth diddly to her. His mum on the other hand is all about the grandbabies, which his father is always amused listening to whenever there’s a large family gathering (his parents are on good terms with one another, separate things from them made their divorce messy). My excuse for her is we aren’t married and I still feel a little young for kids. (I describe it when discussing it with my bf as still being too selfish, only been out only own 3 years!). It doesn’t stop her from bringing it up lots and lots and lots. The idea of kids freaks him out a bit; we’ve both agreed it’s at least two years off. Don’t get me wrong, if I was proposed to tomorrow I would giddily say yes, and if I found out tomorrow I was pregnant I would deal with it and call my mum and MIL to be up to start crib shopping or what have you, but choice-wise it isn’t happening yet and telling them that isn’t working. It doesn’t help they leave the bf alone and look to me for answers every darn time. The rest of my mums family is pushier than she is, though seeing them once or twice a year I can deflect them with “I dunno, go ask him.” or something equally trivial while I try to escape the conversation. Can I make it clearer to them than “we aren’t ready yet, here’s why?” A little input on this would be nice, especially since I’m starting to dread seeing either of these normally lovely ladies. S.
Answer: Dear S.: I think it’s time to put your foot down. You are adults and you are building your relationship your way. You have a right to choose. I’m afraid I would say something like, “I’ve already answered that one…nothing new going on. Next question?” Really! I’m serious!
Your business is your business. Whether you marry, get pregnant or join the circus, it’s for you to decide. There isn’t a “committer” overseeing you that you must report to. Talk with your guy about this and if he is as sick of hearing about it as you are of putting up with it…take a stand. If what I have suggested above doesn’t work, I’d move on to, “Sorry, my private life is my business. Personal questions are off-limits and I promise not to ask you any!” Blessings, Luise