Question: Dear Luise:: I am totally heartbroken…. My son met this girl moved into her parents house ( myson made so many promisses to us as did his girlfriend at that time… my son thought I would be upset moving in with her parents but I met them and trusted them!!!) to my surprise they have said so many evil things about me , my husband and the rest of our family…. his Now fiance has called and yelled at me on the phone for hours , lied and said she never sis that. they had plans to marry in her town we were so excited now they are getting married in disney, therefore my sons grandparents elderly and not in good health cannot attend…. he bought a bouse down the street from her family and we are not welcome! My heart is breaking… I know its his fault for allowing this but as a mom aLL i DO IS CRY SECRETLY! She told me I was crazy, I am not just a loving mom…. we are not allowed to see him on holidays, he lost all his friends this is not how we raised him… I know she is trying to stop us from comming to the wedding as it is in Disney and she knows we were recently laid off, I will do whatever it takes to go… I picked a song to dance with my son at his wedding when he was a little boy but was recently told I was noy goingto be dancing with him, she will dance with her father and that will be that…. Please help me understand! M.
Answer: Dear M.: This isn’t about you. It’s about your son making choices as an adult. We don’t have anything to say about who our adult children become or what they do. All we can do is our best and then let go.
What this is about is you learning to accept the unacceptable and to do that you are going to have to stop trying to make sense of the senseless. Crying whether secretly or out in the open may be the only way you can express how you feel about the way things turned out. It’s healthy to a point but beyond that it is self-destructive. You are crying because you didn’t get your way. You had expectations that were perfectly reasonable but they aren’t going to be met. No one else ever has to meet our expectations…they are about us, not them.
If this sounds harsh and cold, it’s because life can be both of those things. You were a whole person before you became a parent and you can be whole again. That’s where your recovery lies. It’s not in hoping and praying things will change, it’s in creating a new life for yourself and in being grateful you have it. Be very careful that you don’t get stuck in self-pity about the injustice of your situation or it will take you down. I, personally, would never attend a wedding where I wasn’t welcomed and loved but that’s up to you. It is just going to be more abuse. Surely you can see that. (I would also never stay on the phone while someone yelled at me.) Your son is gone…and in his place is someone you don’t know, or even want to know.
If you would like support, please come over to my Web-forum: www.WiseWomenUnite.com where more women than you can imagine are dealing with the same or similar situations. You don’t have to face this alone. Blessing, Luise