I Cannot Lose Another Child

Question: Dear Luise: i have 3 boys- on is 31, one was 23 when he was killed by a drunk driver in 2006 and my youngest. The two elder sons never saw their father he was useless and still is. i remarried and my third son was born in 1997. he was an amazing boy ..sweet charming etc… his father and i divorced in 2007 after the loss of our jobs in 2005 thanks to his doing and the loss of my son in 2006. My youngest and his dad have had much troubles butting heads constantly.. his father coached his soccer team and he was actually asked to step down because no one liked the way he treated my son on the field… so fast forward to now. my youngest son has been living with me with the exceptions of the summer ( father is a teacher and football coach) for high school. so this summer my older sons house which we live in ( 2 family) was in forclosure. i have been busting hump to find a condo to purchase which is 1 block from the high school he is attending. 2 weeks ago his father mentioned that my son wanted to stay and live with him all the while my son and i were making plans for our condo move.. i know his father is pissed at the fact that i am finally in a meaningful relationship and he hates his live in however he talks about me very rudely in front of my son ( my son has actually called me to tell me when it happens) and it has upset him. so i said that he lives with me because dad has no time for him in the school year and there was no reason for him staying there .. my son supposidly hates it there or so he says. so this weekend we had a soccer tourney. 3 day stint. i took my son..we had a great time … today ( sunday i brought him home dropped him off ..we both passed out.. i called my son and said i heard he had fallen asleep and did he have plans for tonite to which he said he was going to some unapropriate beach area with a really messed up family and some other kid that he really never hangs with. so i said please dont go its a bad place lots of drownings etc told him to call me as soon as he knew he was going ( i had intended on going there as well . i then called his dad and pointed out where and who he was going with and told him i didnt feel it was appropriate. he told my son … to which my son texted me stateing that was another reason why he didnt want to live with me … i hightailed it up to my exs to discuss this to which my son stormed out mad at me calling me a liar and everything is about me and i asked him what i did that was a lie and he said i said he could go and went behind his back to his dad … so i lied ..then he said all my friends are alcoholics ( not at all true) we do drink wine occasionally but not everyday and not alcholics.. i asked him when he was gonna ever tell me he had this problem with me and that he hated me so much. he stormed inside and said to not try and contact him to apologize. i told him i had no reason to apologize at all and that i would not be speaking to him that he made his bed now he has to lay in it…. i am devistated.. my middle child is dead and my older son has a girlfriend that keeps him far away from us … i cannot loose another child. and the words out of my sons mouth seemed to be that of his father… he said i lie about going to work and im never there..( completely false) i dont know what to do this came out of left field when i told him he could not go with those people.. how should i approach this i need to know why my son hates me and felt the need to say those angry things to me . i am devistated..please help me. J.

Answer: Dear J.: The question of a split between mother and son was asked so often on this Website that I set up a Web-forum for women to interact with each other and help each other through this really terrible situation. A question and answer format just isn’t enough. I have found a supportive, on-going community to be much more effective. We are at www.WiseWomenUnite.com I hope to see you there. Blessings, Luise

 

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