Question: Dear Luise: I am 26 years old and I’ve been married for 1.5 year and I am pregnant with my first baby, but I have a couple of problems with my husband which I met through chat channels n got married. First he is not being so open to me, meaning he doesn’t tell me everything that is going on with him even if its things related to our future together. 2nd I caught him twice chatting with another girl and when I faced him with it he denied it although I am sure it was him sending the messages n he keeps up late at night over the internet and when i ask him what he is doing he says its work which is obviously not. Recently he locked his mobile so I cant check it out n I am sure he didn’t stop the chatting habit, I love him n I am being very nice to him n he as well except for this habit that could destroy our life together. I never made troubles with him, but I am fed up with being concerned every time he picks the phone or uses the internet or even being late at work that he’s contacting other girl n I have every right to feel this way. Pls tell me what to do? Thanks, T.
Answer: Dear T.: One of the hardest lessons to learn in life is that we can’t change another person and they very rarely change themselves. Your husband is the way he is. Nothing you say or do will make him open, honest or loyal. He either is or he isn’t.
You did not know this about him when you married but it must now be factored into any future decisions you make…(like the size of your family.) Yes, you have every right to feel the way you do but that doesn’t change anything. What you do about your marriage and your future have to include the following information about him: he is still interested in other women and he is dishonest.
Some women who find that out pretend it isn’t true and some pretend it will change. Pretending for the rest of your life is going to be very difficult. Some women who find that out create big fights and get even bigger promises. But promises do not change a person and so they are broken, causing more fights.
No one can tell you what to do. This is about your basic beliefs and values. If you want to stay with him, lying and cheating are and probably always will be part of the package. Again, there are women who think all men are like that and just put up with it. That’s the very common “Boys, will be boys” concept. Some also believe that “any man is better than no man.”
Look deeply into your own heart to see what kind of a person you are and what you want from life. Then take whatever action is necessary to support that truth. As adults, we always have a choice…but that necessarily includes being able to face the consequences of our choices. Blessings, Luise