Question: Dear Luise: Please help! I am 21 years old and have been married for ayear to my husband / bestfriend. we have a 1 year old daughter and up until two weeks ago we saw my parents regularly. my husband and parents had afalling out over my mother being undermining my hysbands authority as a father. my husband got in a fist fight with my dad. my parents have let it go and want to move on but my husband wont let me take my daughter to see them. he says she can decide to see them when she is old enough. im so hurt and confused and cant talk to him or my mother about it. please help i dont know what to do B.
Answer: Dear B.: My take, and others may not agree with me, is that you don’t have a marriage if your husband is making decisions on his own that affect you and your daughter. That’s not a partnership, it’s a dictatorship.
If your husband is the one that got physical first, that’s very serious as well. And if your father started it, he needs to know that it wasn’t even his issue. Your mother didn’t respect your husband. That’s clear. Your father took exception to your husband’s taking exception to your mother taking exception. What a mess.
This is about your relationship. It isn’t about your parents and their very unacceptable behavior. You and your husband need to talk and agree. You are parents, not kids. You have a new family unit and you get to make your own rules just like your mother and father once did. If your husband’s hurt feelings are more important to him than working this through with you, you’re in serious trouble.
Home. That’s where to start. Take your parents out of the equation. You aren’t their “child” any longer…and their relationship with the two of you and your daughter isn’t the primary issue. You are a married woman with her hands full and your work cut out for you. No matter how provoked your husband was, physical violence is something he had no right to start…and if he didn’t start it…he should have walked away from it. You can’t let your baby live with a role model like that. I am so sorry. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise