Question: Dear Luise: My husband, in front of me or just earshot, away always tells the other men around him that he would like to make love to their wives. (That’s not the term he uses.) I have complained but he says it is just guy talk and I am being jealous and stupid. It makes me feel awful and I am very upset by it for days at a time. I really do not know what to do about it. Can you give me some advice? Thank you, C.
Answer: Dear C. One of the most useless occupations that we all engage in is not wanting people to be how they are. Endless energy goes into complaining about it and trying to get them to change…with little or no permanent results.
There isn’t any way we can preview all of the beliefs and habits another person has before marriage, (any more than they can do that with us.) So, surprises just keep popping to the surface after the honeymoon is over. To make it worse, most of us are on our good behavior when dating and don’t present a realistic picture of who we are in the first place.
Your guy got his concept of how to be a guy with other guys from someplace. Being crudely appreciative of their wives probably means something positive to him and maybe to them…(or maybe not.) It also makes a statement that when he is with you he is in charge and can do and say anything he chooses. Again that may impress others or not depending on who and what they are.
How you feel about it seems to be of no consequence to him, unless abusing you publicly makes him feel like a man. How sad if that’s the case. To suffer from it for days doesn’t serve you…although he may enjoy it and even feel powerful, as a result. Who knows?
This is the man you married. He may be a lot of other things, too, that you really like a lot…so he may be worth it. The point is he’s not going to change. It’s just one aspect of who he is. However, you aren’t helpless. For instance, you can refuse to be seen with him publicly for good reason. If you do that, be prepared for him to ridicule you. That’s the way the game is played. Just remember that you always have rights and choices no matter how it appears on the surface. Blessings, Luise