Question: I have been in a rut for almost a year and a half. I started hanging out with a semi-coworker a year and a half ago. For the first two months we were together he said that he had just gotten out of a one year relationship and wasn’t ready to move on to another. So we just hung out, had great conversation and talked to each other at least three times a week. After those two months, he wanted to officially date cuz he was falling for me and didn’t want me to date anyone else. For the next two months it was great! He later found out his ex-girlfriend immediately got engaged after their breakup, and that really bothered him. He told me that after two months of officially dating he wanted to be alone, and needed to figure out what he wanted. I later found out that he had his dating profile plastered on Yahoo, and Match.com. All he was looking for on the Internet was what we had together. Of course he completely denied ever looking on the Internet for a date. Since that time he has called or texted me everyday. We have remained friends and still see each other at work occasionally. Even a year after he first broke up with me, we have gotten back together about four or five times just so that a couple months later he breaks my heart again. Time and time again he says that he can’t commit to me, and that he was still so hurt over his breakup almost a year and a half ago. A couple months ago, after we broke up (he still was texting me daily)I started dating another guy who treats me like a princess. My family and friends love him and I see a future with him. I have fallen in love with my new boyfriend, but the ex for the past three days has been begging me to take him back. He’s showered me with flowers, candy, songs, and he’s been crying just wanting me to get back into a relationship with him. I’ve told him “no” that he’s hurt me countless times and that I can’t get back together only to have him breakup with me again later. Even after how much my ex has hurt me, I can only cry and am so sad that I can’t be in a relationship with him. I don’t want to ruin a good thing with my boyfriend but I am still in love with the ex who has done nothing to hurt me and who is now telling me that I’m the One. I need someone to help me. R.
Answer: Dear R.: You say you are in love with the new guy and yet you say at the same time that you can only “cry and be sad” because you love your old, abusive boyfriend. For goodness sake, if you need to be kicked around the block and to the curb a few more times, do it. Can’t you see that he wants you the most when you aren’t available? Some people sign on for that kind of treatment for a lifetime. There are plenty of abusers to go around…if that’s what you want.
We can be drawn to and dearly love someone we can’t live with. We can also have incredibly deep feelings for someone who isn’t good for us. The feelings are real but they aren’t rational. They are conditioned responses from some emotional cross-wiring in childhood and if we act on them, we are evidencing destructive behavior and low self-esteem. If you don’t care about your own well-being, who will?
It’s entirely up to you. When you have had enough you will quit and not look back. And if you never get to that place, your life will be about being a victim and experiencing pain and suffering on purpose and deliberately. You could even have children and pass all of this on to them. Why would you go there? Why do you need that? Why not see a counselor and get some support and some answers? You deserve better…a whole lot better. Blessings, Luise