Question: Dear Luise: My story is complicated, I met a man who fell in love with me and showed me this in every action he took, spoiled me took me out and did everything to help my two children and me. I was still in the middle of my separation when this other man came into my life, most probably making me more vulnerable. I continued with the separation with my husband and this new man starting being very pushy of me having to live with him and show him all the affection he wanted. I was in the middle of turmoil as the fact of being with a new person and still not finishing it off with the ex was making me very stressed out. So my natural reaction was the push this new man away. In the mean time the father of my children made my children return to the country of origin and there fore I went too. There was no way I was going to leave my children behind. By going back I left this new love. Coming back I didn’t quite want to believe it was over and I believe neither did he as we continued mailing each other. I then went back 3 times to where the new man lives to see him. The first time I found out he had lied to me and that he had gone traveling to Brazil and not elsewhere on business. I got suspicious, the second time I went back to see him, he still seemed untrustworthy and the third time I went back it was like the day we met. I came back happy only to find out that during those 3 months that I was jumping back and forth, he was seeing another woman. She lives in Brazil so he only stayed with her physically for two weeks and this just after I left with the children back to their home and just before the first time I saw him. During the rest of the time he stayed in touch with her phoning sending messages and going on msn with her. At the same time he was in contact with me, and we had seen each other already 3 times. He was promising her the same things he promised me which really left me in disbelief. Now apparently the third time I stayed with him, he had made the choice to be with me, I know this as I contacted her and she said he dropped her like a hot potato from one day to the next never phoning her again. He says he fell in love with me the day he met me but as I pushed him away after everything he did for me, during my time of stress and separation he looked elsewhere, but he says he couldn’t get me out of his mind and the third time I went to see him he decided it was me that he always wanted. So he decided to give it another shot. But now I found out about her and we exchanged mails and have been talking. He really used her and me at the same time. One would say so you two weren’t really together anymore when he went out to Brazil to see her, but I feel like we were still together especially when I went there 3 times. Not sure if anything makes sense right now but I do know that I feel betrayed and cheated on. He says that he felt rejected and that I didn’t want him when we were together and the day I left with my children he just couldn’t get me out of his mind and looked in another direction. But now he realizes that by doing so it wasn’t worth it cause he just couldn’t forget me or get me out of his mind. What should I do?? Should I give him another chance, I am so scared to get really involved now with him and find something new. I don’t want to be cheated on ever again! G.
Dear G. I think you know that the guy is pretty “iffy.” By that I mean you can’t be sure “if” he is going to stand by you or of “if” he is going to wander again. He has lots of excuses but he lied to you and more than once. It sounds to me like you are the kind of person who has a lot to give and frankly, I think you and your children deserve more.
If you choose to go on with him, it may all work out well but will you ever feel really secure? He has shown you that he’s untrustworthy. How can that ever change? Either he is or he isn’t. A leopard is not known for changing his spots…not permanently. Blessings, Luise