Question: Dear Luise: I am 23 years old and my partner is 30. We’ve been living together for a half a year, so far. When we were just starting to date, our sex life was great. However, after a month and half passed, he just stopped. I’ve tried to make it work a few times, but he keeps refusing. We are going to get married next year, and I’m really worried about it. Is it going to work out later or is it just hopeless? S.
Answer: Dear S.: If he refuses further intimacy, you are probably in serious trouble. One and one-half months of sexual expression followed by four and a half months of nothing isn’t normal. If it worried him, wouldn’t he have tried to resolve the issue by now…even to the degree of suggesting counseling? It doesn’t sound to me like he is offering any suggestions regarding a solution. From that, comes the assumption that he wants to leave things as they are. How can you go along with that?
Was everything OK until you moved in together? There are people who can only perform when it’s “sneak-around” sex because they have been imprinted with the idea that it’s “bad.” Often it’s programmed into the unconscious and they are totally unaware of what drives them and they settle on all kinds of excuses…including blaming their partners. Sometimes they try to override it but in the long run, the programming often wins. That’s just one possibility out of dozens.
Of course there are people out there who (for their own reasons) can accept a sexless relationship. There are many more that thought they could and found it to be impossible. If it doesn’t suit you now, and it obviously doesn’t, marriage is going to be torture. It is very hard to keep getting that you are fine when faced with continuous rejection. Will you be able to do that? Why would you want to?
I would suggest that you put your cards on the table and let him know you are willing to back him up in finding the cause and resolving it but you cannot deny your own sexuality…and furthermore, you find the idea both unreasonable and unhealthy. Blessings, Luise