Is My Sexless Relationship Hopeless

Question: Dear Luise: I am 23 years old and my partner is 30. We’ve been living together for a half a year, so far. When we were just starting to date, our sex life was great. However, after a month and half passed, he just stopped. I’ve tried to make it work a few times, but he keeps refusing. We are going to get married next year, and I’m really worried about it. Is it going to work out later or is it just hopeless? S.

Answer: Dear S.: If he refuses further intimacy, you are probably in serious trouble. One and one-half months of sexual expression followed by four and a half months of nothing isn’t normal. If it worried him, wouldn’t he have tried to resolve the issue by now…even to the degree of suggesting counseling? It doesn’t sound to me like he is offering any suggestions regarding a solution. From that, comes the assumption that he wants to leave things as they are. How can you go along with that?

Was everything OK until you moved in together? There are people who can only perform when it’s “sneak-around” sex because they have been imprinted with the idea that it’s “bad.” Often it’s programmed into the unconscious and they are totally unaware of what drives them and they settle on all kinds of excuses…including blaming their partners. Sometimes they try to override it but in the long run, the programming often wins. That’s just one possibility out of dozens.

Of course there are people out there who (for their own reasons) can accept a sexless relationship. There are many more that thought they could and found it to be impossible. If it doesn’t suit you now, and it obviously doesn’t, marriage is going to be torture. It is very hard to keep getting that you are fine when faced with continuous rejection. Will you be able to do that? Why would you want to?

I would suggest that you put your cards on the table and let him know you are willing to back him up in finding the cause and resolving it but you cannot deny your own sexuality…and furthermore, you find the idea both unreasonable and unhealthy. Blessings, Luise

17 Responses to Is My Sexless Relationship Hopeless

  1. S. February 22, 2010 at 12:41 pm #

    I have been in a relationship for almost two years now. We don’t have sex. I get angry and confused about this. Our relationship is pretty good otherwise but I am lonely. I have been toying with the idea of an affair just to relieve the pressure but I don’t want to hurt my partner in any way. My partner works a lot and is tired and it always seems that time with me is the last thing on the list. The television and computer get more face time than i do everyday. I try not to take this personally but its been four months now and nothing has been initiated. Hugging, kissing and cuddling are part of our relationship but it ends there. My frustration levels are very high and i am angry what should I do? S.

    • Luise February 24, 2010 at 8:57 pm #

      You are probably going to have to move on. Sexless love isn’t enough for most people but for others…it’s just fine. Such incompatibility is pretty basic. You can love someone dearly that you can’t live with. It’s time to explain this to you partner and to look for someone more in tune with you. Blessings, Luise

  2. j. May 26, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

    wow!I thought i was alone in my sexless relationship,now i know im not. Dear Louise, I am 22 yrs old and boyfriend is turning 35 and we haven’t had sex in a year and a half. we’ve been dating for 3 1/2 years and the beginning was amazing we use to have sex like rabbits and then about the 5 month marker it decreased a little and that was fine, at least we having sex. Now nothing, i want this to work but i’vew made a promise to myself that i would not let it go to our 4 yr anniversary. I feel so confused, angry, tired of being sad and building up resentment. he has given excuse after excuse and i get more angry cuz i know its not everything he’s telling. what should i do? J.

    • Luise May 28, 2011 at 5:40 pm #

      Move on. It’s his problem and there’s nothing you can do about it. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

  3. S August 27, 2011 at 7:39 am #

    Hi,

    I can’t believe it has reached the point that I’m writing this. I see some of these stories and I know that my situation is not as bad, but it feels overwhelmingly so. It’s complicated though. My best friend and I fell in love with each other over a year ago, sex was amazing and I had never felt so satisfied and happy with a man before like that. We moved in together pretty quickly and it was awesome for ages.
    About 5 or so months ago he started turning me down a lot, too tired, a lot on his mind, he’s busy etc. But I think he’s just being lazy watching tv, being on the computer, not taking advantage on time when we are both home. We have spoken so so many times I was even so upset that I cried last time. He can go up to a month without even bothering with sex. I am angry and frustrated it is effecting my self esteem, I don’t think it’s fair to just drop off from something that was so great to this. It wasn’t what I signed up for, but to that he uses the honeymoon excuse, saying that phase is over.
    Do you think the honeymoon period should ever have to end?
    The huge problem is we are completely perfect and happy together in everything bar sex. He says there is a lot more to a relationship than sex, but I argue that the only thing differing us from just being friends again is sex.
    Help me please. I don’t know what more to do.S.

    • Luise August 27, 2011 at 8:10 am #

      He isn’t going to change. You are at choice and at this point need to get that it is about him, not you. He doesnt decide your value….you do. If you stay, it will have to be with your self-esteen restored because you said so. Get counseling if you need to before you make a dacision. There is no use in fighting about it…that is distructive to both of you. If you can’t accpet it…move on, now. Blessings, Luise

  4. A. September 8, 2011 at 6:26 am #

    Hi Luise,
    I was just reading through some of these and it sounds like what I am going through. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. When we first started talking, he was living in California (I’m in Ohio) we went to school together and found each other and started talking. In the beginning it was all about sex, phone sex, pictures…Then he came home for Christmas that year and stayed with me, we had sex 3 times within 12 hours and havent since. That was in 2009. He moved back and in with me in January of 2010. I’ve expressed to him that the lack of intimacy makes me feel unwanted and unattractive. He wont do anything to meet my needs even when I flat out ask him to. He had an issue with drugs which ruined his sex drive but he’s been clean for months now. I don’t know what to do. I’m 33 years old and have an incredible sex drive, I fantasize about him all of the time because he is the one I want to share that with. It has never once crossed my mind to cheat on him, I’m not that type of person. He tells me it’s hard for him to initiate when he has no sex drive and because he cant get an erection he feels like less of a man. I’ve tried to explain to him that I don’t see him that way and he should at least attempt to put his feelings aside and focus on my needs. I do everything for this man, he doesn’t work, I’m working two jobs to keep us a float. There is no reason he can’t work, he just has no motivation no matter how many times I’ve talked to him about it or tried to kick him out, nothing works. I feel very stuck. What do I do? Everything tells me to just move on, but for some reason I am still very much in love with him.

    Thanks,
    A.

    • Luise September 12, 2011 at 8:52 am #

      A – Being in love with a person and being able to live with that person can be two very different things. Gather up what is left of your self-respect and move on. You deserve so much better and only you can give it to yourself. You aren’t going to get it from a dependent loser.

  5. C. September 18, 2011 at 6:17 pm #

    Hi Luise,
    I am 26 yrs old, My husband is 31 and we have been married for 2 years, and been together for almost 6 years. He is my first. We use to have sex all the time, we moved in together and still everything was fine. Around the three year mark he lost interest, he would only want sex once a month. I talked to him about it and he just said he never really thought sex was as great as everyone made it out to seem. I tried counseling but he refused to go. He proposed and I said yes because I loved him and thought that I would get over the fact that we don’t have sex. My husband owns his own business so his work days are from 6-6pm. He gets home and is sleeping by 8. We have a 1 1/2 year old daughter. Now we have sex maybe once every 2-3 months. I am extremely lonely. I have cheated on him 3 times with a good friend (sex/ oral sex was never had with this friend). I don’t know what to do because I feel self fish in divorcing my husband who puts a roof over my head and who i also work for. But I have told him several times that if he doesn’t start changing something I will cheat on him. I haven’t told him about the friend either. C.

  6. A. November 5, 2011 at 8:38 am #

    Hi Luise,
    I’ve searched the web and read everything I could find on the subject of the sexless relationship, in the hopes of finding an answer. Sadly all I have discovered is more people with situations just like mine. I am experiencing all the text-book emotions of loneliness, neglect, confusion, rejection and fear that are symptomatic of a relationship without expression. I’ve tried to be a “good” partner – I’ve bitten my tongue on countless occasions when I’ve wanted to say something, I’ve made excuses for why he isn’t interested, and I’ve blamed myself for his lack of interest in me. It’s gotten to the point where I am afraid to broach the subject with him for fear of his response. Each time I try to talk to him I am met with anger and blame for the situation : I am accused of not being understanding of how difficult his life is and not putting his needs before my own. Unfortunately this means that I walk away unfulfilled, hurt and frustrated. He won’t acknowledge that there are two of us in this relationship and that we both have needs. My need for intimacy is more for the expression of my feelings for him and his for me. Without this I feel starved of the connection that I crave. He makes promises about spending time with me and breaks them, leaving me with little hope and a lot of heartache.I feel as though he has made a decision for our relationship without considering me. I feel as though he is meeting his own need and disregarding mine.
    Often I’ve thought about leaving but each time I do, I tell myself that if I stay maybe things will change. … I’m still waiting. As things stand I am sharing my home with a lodger – nothing more.A.

    • Luise November 17, 2011 at 1:09 pm #

      A. You will stay as long as you are in denial and when you get past that, you will get one with your life. Roommates simply doesn’t work for you.

  7. S.. November 16, 2011 at 9:10 am #

    Hi,
    Im 25 years old and my boyfriend is 31. We have been together for almost 3 years now and basically have a sexless relationship. When we first got together we had sex multiple times a day but a month and a half later i got pregnant with our daughter and he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore and he said it was cause he didn’t want to hurt the baby but I knew it was bs. So I had googled it and apparently a lot of women had the same problem when they were pregnant but as soon as they had the baby everything went back to normal.. But in my case it didn’t, it got worse. I’ve tried talking to him about it and it makes him uncomfortable and he changes the subject. So the other day I told him if he doesn’t put out I’m leaving. He told me he loves me and doesn’t want me to leave. I’m pretty sure he was being sincere cuz some tears came out. I think he is very insecure and just has trouble expressing his feelings emotionally and sexually. Is there something I should do to help him get past this?? If this doesn’t change soon I’m long gone and I don’t care if he doesn’t like it! Is that really to much to ask? Not trying to sound conceded but I’m too hot for him so he should be proud. S.

    • Luise November 17, 2011 at 11:32 am #

      S. – As far as I know there is no way for you to help him get through it. He has to want to face it. It’s his problem, not yours. Some guys connect sex with being disrespectful. They were taught it is bad. When they mature, that is still there and they can’t connect it up with a woman they respect and some feel childen make a relationship respectful. I have no idea what’s going on with your guy…but it’s something he is unwilling to look into on a deeper level. Perhaps he can’t. The tears may be because he knows he can’t go there…and he knows you can’t stay. It’s not gointg to work. This situation is more common than we realize. Often the woman, whether out of love or insecurity (or both,) stays and endures. Nothing is said and to the world at large they look like a normal, happy family. It can even evolve into that but the price is high.

  8. K. November 20, 2011 at 10:15 am #

    Hi Luise,

    I’m with my boyfriend of 1 yr 9 months. He’s not my first but i’m his first. I know him through a friend before becaming my best friend. I love him and he said he love me too.

    He in impotent expect for he porn activities.

    I can’t imagine why any guy will not want sex when he has a willing girlfriend. But after reading the others’ comments, I’m relieved to find out that I’m not wrong or the only one to feel frustrated and unhappy with my relationship.

    I really hate to break up with him and hurt him. But my ex boyfriends all were keen to have sex with me, so i don’t think its a problem with me. Although he is still affectionate and cuddly with me, i just feel something is missing from our relationship. And I’m a sensual woman who needs a man to satisfy me both inside and outside of bed. I gain some weight since we got together and he did advise me to lose weight sometimes. I asked him to exercise with me but he sometimes has excuses to not do it with me. I just feel so unmotivated when he does that.

    I feel so neglected and unsatisfied that i took to fantasizing having sex with other people to relieve my needs. I even tried to ask him to see a doctor/therapist about his issue but he said that he does not have time nor interest to go. He works on saturdays too and does not have many days of leave.

    What should i do? K.

    • Luise November 21, 2011 at 8:57 pm #

      K. – Leave. Get on with your life. You deserve so much better.

  9. M. November 23, 2011 at 4:48 pm #

    Idk how I found this but I’m glad I did…its (in a selfish way) a bit comforting to know that I’m not alone. I’ve been with my bf for a year and a half and I’m now 8 months pregnant. My bf is a wonderful dedicated father of a 12 year old lil girl who he has sole custody of. He is hard working dedicated and when we first got together our relationship was a love fest unlike any other…now its dead. We’ve lost all sense of intimacy there’s no physical contact, no kissing sometimes not even holding hands. Its been over 6 months since we were last intimate n its killing me. I’ve always been a very sexual person n I went from being on fire to being completely just ignored. He’s great otherwise, he makes sure I am always good but when it comes to intimacy he couldn’t care less…

    He told me once the baby comes things will be different, I honestly don’t know how that could be. With a 12 year old who is constantly on him a newborn football n his playstation I don’t see how we can have intimacy.
    I’ve been patient but I have tried to discuss it, we fought the first time, the second he went completely mute…the third, he said he felt bad I felt so miserable n he loved me n didn’t want me to feel that way. Now I’ve given up on bringing it up cuz honestly, its embarassing n I feel stupid…n later on I feel stupider because nothing changes.

    Idk what to do. I crave the feeling of being wanted. The passion u feel for someone, if it wasn’t for my pregnancy I wouldve prob cheated by now. I love him dearly n cannot see myself with anyone else but this feeling of loneliness n neglect is eating me alive.

    I’ve grown anxious to the point that I have to self pleasure in order to relax sometimes…then I feel ashamed. Idk what to do…if I wouldve known it would be this way, I wouldve never done any of it to begin with. I feel cheated…I’m prob being cheated on…at this point I don’t know anything M.

    • Luise November 28, 2011 at 10:09 pm #

      You are paying too high a price for him to have things his way. You need to move on. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

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