Why Is He Upsetting Me?

Question: Dear Luise: My fiancé of one year (we’ve been together for two and will not be getting married till I finish college in two more years) says he is having doubts about us. He recently told me that he doesn’t think that we have compatible personalities, or that we are on the “same page”. He feels like there is someone better suited for him and vice versa and that he doesn’t want to be making a mistake by staying with me. But when I asked him if he was breaking up with me he said no and that he loves me very much. I am so confused and when I try to talk to him about it he tells me to stop worrying and that he only wanted to tell me how he was feeling and that everything is all right now. This isn’t the first time he told me that he was feeling like this. I am very much in love with him, but I’m starting to feel like I’m being strung along and I’m tired of feeling like he is going to up and leave at any moment. I don’t want to break off our engagement then regret it later so I am simply waiting…but I’m still really unsure. E.

Answer: Dear E.: It’s probably true that many of us have those fleeting thoughts occasionally. We just don’t voice them and upset our partners. What’s the point? It’s unkind and if it persists, I would even go so far as to call it subtle abuse.

He has told you something that anyone in a relationship would worry about and then told you not to worry. That’s too much honesty for me and it looks like it is for you, too. Many thoughts flit through our heads that aren’t worth passing on and if we let them run out our mouths, harm can be done, trust can be broken and relationships can end.

I think I’d tell him that you can’t and won’t do this; threatened with being tossed one day and then cherished the next. That’s pretty immature of him and you may need to look closely to see if you are both on the “same page.” You deserve better. Blessings, Luise

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