Help Me Understand

Question: Dear Luise: Gosh, I do not know where else to go. This is so ridiculous. About a year ago, my boyfriend’s, (BF’s), who I have been with for many years…daughter came over with her new BF. While they were here, her BF told me I was cute, really cute. I didn’t say anything to anyone about it, until they left. Later he smacked me on the butt, and my BF saw that. After they left, about 20 minutes passed and it was daughter’s BF calling on the phone to apologize to my BF for smacking me in the butt. Before he called I had told my BF that apparently the guy wasn’t the one for his daughter, because he had been telling me I was cute. I just didn’t think it was right. So while my BF was on the phone with Jdaughter’s BF about the smacking on the butt thing, my BF confronted him about telling me I was cute. No big deal, right? Well, my BF’s daughter throws a fit, saying that this never happened. I was lying and I am a manipulator. Of course she didn’t say I was lying about the smack on the butt, because her dad saw it. Ok, now you have the background of all this…. remember this was a year ago and the guy broke up with her, a very long time ago. Even now, she will not talk to me. She likes to come over to my house and watch football with her dad and I am the only one uncomfortable. She will not talk to me. I don’t talk to her either, and I just say, Hi. Now, her dad, is mad at me because things with her and I are not working, and I did nothing wrong! I didn’t create this crap. He treats her nice about all this, and gets mad at me, I didn’t do anything. Please help me! D.

 

Answer: Dear D.: There is no way to understand it. We can never make sense of the senseless. There’s no use trying. My take is that you are being treated in a disrespectful way. Your BF knows the truth; he saw the physical act, which was even more offensive than the remark, it seems to me. His daughter saw it happen, as well. I would tell him that she doesn’t need to accept the remark, since she didn’t hear it. I would tell him that I am sick of this foolishness, a year after the fact, and withdraw my effort to have her believe me. That will leave only the totally offensive butt pat to deal with. Neither of them can blame you for that, so she no longer has anything to hold against you. Case closed.

Where you go with it from there is up to you. You aren’t going to change him, in all probability. Since you share a home, he has the right to invite her over. The fact that you and your BF’s daughter don’t like each other is another issue. Can you find a way to make yourself scarce when she is in your home?

You’ve been with your BF for a long time, so I’m assuming there is a positive side to your relationship. I also get that you have discussed this with him and have been unsuccessful in resolving it. If his treating you this way was a deal breaker, you would probably have left him by now.

Maybe it might be good to ask him to reverse the situation as see how that would feel. Your imaginary son comes over with his imaginary GF and the GF hits on your BF in words and physically. You see the physical act and so does your son. However, neither you or your son actually heard the crude remark. So, then your son comes over regularly to watch sports with you but won’t speak to your BF, insisting he lied about the remark and further, he blames your BF for telling both of you about the remark, insisting…when it obviously went hand and glove with the physical act. How, if the tables were turned, would your BF feel and what, if anything, would he do about it? Blessings, Luise

 

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