Question: Dear Luise: I have been married for almost 7 years now, however, I have a problem with our sex life. He doesn’t seem to be interested in sex since we got married. I have always been trying to initiate it almost everyday, but I don’t get any response at all. We only have sex if he wants it and that is once or twice a month. I have already read a lot of articles about this and have heard pieces of advice from friends, but I’d like to try what I have in mind now. I’d like to give him a dose of his own medicine that if it is time for him to “want” sex, then I’ll just have to refuse him and do what he does to me just like making excuses. Do you think this move is right? H.
Answer: Dear H.: You can give it a try but don’t be surprised if your husband is nothing more than relieved. Also, he will probably get that you are trying to manipulate him and that you still want sex as much as you always have.
Many men have a difficult time making the transition between exciting, illicit sex (not married) and comforting, satisfying married sex. They are taught from an early age that sex is nasty and dirty and they just never get past that on an unconscious level. Later the mother of their children is someone they respect and admire and they can’t connect the dots.
Counseling helps sometimes but not always, it depends on the counselor’s skill, that client’s commitment to getting past it and how difficult it is to do so. For many just giving up is the line of least resistance until “nature calls”… which is usually no great compliment to the woman involved. Blessings, Luise