Is He Just Without Any Sex Drive?

Question: Dear Louise, I’ve been reading through some of the other questions regarding sexless relationships and your advice sounds good, but now I need some advice about my own sexless relationship. I’m 24, and I’ve been with my 29 year old boyfriend for almost 2 years, but for the past 8 months, we haven’t had sex, or kissed for that matter. He has never initiated it; it’s always been my responsibility, and after a while, I decided to stop initiating sex in order to see how long we would go without it, and if he would ever try to start something. but he hasn’t, and here we are at 8 months! I’ve brought up his apparent lack of desire for me, and it always turns into a huge fight with him becoming defensive and saying all I care about is sex, and that he’s not like other guys who seem to need it constantly. Plus, he always gives me the line “it’s not you, it’s me.” He claims he’s attracted to me and that he is IN love with me, but I can’t help feeling unattractive and rejected. I’ve never had a problem like this with other men I’ve dated. He also denies that he doesn’t want to have sex, but clearly, actions speak louder than words.. and there’s been NO action. So I don’t know what to do. I am constantly being pressured and guilted (by my family) into staying with him, because he is a great and loving boyfriend otherwise. but I’m only human! I have needs. I also want to add that he also claims to never physically relieve himself and has never even watched porn. Is it possible that he just doesn’t have a sex drive or something? T.

Answer: Dear T. I don’t think it really matters what his problem is where you are concerned. He doesn’t want to solve it. He has accepted the situation, feels it is normal for him and wants you to accept it, too. That’s the bottom line.

Apparently you have discussed this with your family since they have all voted in favor of your staying. It seems unfortunate to me that they all know about it.

Many women have the same problem and without exception, these men are wonderful partners otherwise. The only solutions I have ever been able to come up with are to stay if it’s OK with you or leave if it isn’t…(and you wouldn’t have written to me if it felt do-able.) Most guys who are like your boyfriend aren’t interested in seeing a medical doctor or a counselor…and that has to be totally left up to them.

If you are being adversely affected by living in a way that is not healthy and normal for you, it’s time to leave Mr. Nice Guy and move on. Blessings, Luise

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