He Cherishes the Crumbs

Question: My son is 28. His father abandoned him when he was only 3 never looking back. He did not visit, did not care if our son had food or shelter [I had been a housewife during our marriage], never sent a Christmas or Birthday card or gift. Never called the boy. Worked using a deceased individual’s social security number to avoid child support responsibilities. NOW my son has hunted this man down and brought him into our lives. My son seems to cherish the crumbs he gets from the guy, so afraid of rocking the “daddy” boat. Meanwhile, although on an intellectual level I know all children want to know who their parents are, I feel such betrayal,and excruciating emotional pain. To add insult to injury, I watched my son’s pets while he was away visiting his father and I drive to his home and watch his children several times a week so he and his wife can work. Upon his return from visiting I was charged for dinner at his home, [along with his other “friends”]. Then I was charged to “share” the expense of turbo tax. He spent hundreds of dollars to visit a man who is basically a stranger – and good old mom is charged a price of admission to see her family and for every “courtesy” extended? I am so very deeply hurt and very confused by this behavior. B.

Answer: Dear B.: Please bring this issue over to my Web-forum where women discuss, share and sometimes resolve the things that come up for them with adult children and extended families. We are at: www.WiseWomenUnite.com

Your son’s behavior is reflective of some degree of entitlement, it seems to me; the “you give/I take syndrome.” Perhaps it is something he came by honestly, by being his father’s son. I have no idea.

I do know that you can step back and reclaim your dignity if and when you decide you no longer want to be used. However, if you do that…you may be punished by being excluded from that point on.

It might be wise to seek some personal counseling as you sort through all of this and try to adapt while still attempting to retain your self-respect. It isn’t an easy process, to say the least. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

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