Question: Dear Luise:: my mum died in april. She had been in and out of hospital with arthriis. She lived in a fold but she moved in with me in march for 10 days and then readmitted to hospital again. during those ten days i told her i didn’t like the carrers coming into my house, i hate myself for that. She was a lovely kind person that needed me and I hurt her by saying that I made her feel like she was upsetting the whole house. I also never went down to the fold to see or help her enough. All she ever wanted to do was chat but I was always too busy. She was a lovely mum and adored me, she was a kind person and lived for her two grandsons, she never asked to much of me and anything i did it was usually begrudgingly. I hate myself and hurt myself because i deserve it. I don’t know how to live without her I loved her so much but i should have showed it more. I always made sure practily she had everything she needed. Im just so sad. S.
Answer: Dear S.: If you ever meet someone who says they are complete with a loved one who passed on and feels he/she did a great job…you will be looking a liar in the face. We are all human and fallible and none of us did it perfectly. We are all racked with guilt and regret and we just have to get through it the best we can. I am 86 and I have lost so many dear ones that I have had to get that I did my best however that looked moment to moment. I couldn’t live with myself otherwise.
I don’t know if it will help you or not but I am absolutely certain that those I have loved that have passed away…loved me, too, and knew my heart was in the right place. We all multi-task…we all have limits and priorities and we can all become overwhelmed. I don’t think it’s about them not forgiving us…I think we need to forgive ourselves. If we were meant to be perfect, we would have been made that way. No one is. Blessings, Luise