Grown Son and Girlfriend

Question: Dear Luise: my son,who is 30&girlfriendboth in a out patient treatment in indiana,we live in ky.they dont work but everything is always aboutthem getting thier way,but they dont help with anything…they run to ind.@least once a day needs 40.00 for clinic…its really got me&his dad behind…want them find a plc..have a life be responsible….dad acts like if he puts them out andrew will go back to his drug use….please advice for my sanity…imdepressed, pissed, confused & dont know what to love husband want son do better/thx for your time!!!god bless. L.

 Answer: Dear L.: Please come over to my Web-forum at www.WiseWomenUnite.com where issues with adult children and extended families are discussed. I think you would benefit from more than one person’s take on this. Also, for those of us who don’t text, it is hard to read and understand what you have written. If you would post the old fashioned way when you get over there, we’d appreciate it. Thanks. Blessings, Luise

2 Responses to Grown Son and Girlfriend

  1. L. February 9, 2013 at 1:32 pm #

    I am a single Mom. While growing up I had to go to Family Court often because his Dad would not contribute to CHild Support and would not visit our son willfully and would fill our son with violent things on TV, video games, music, etc. Could not talk to his Dad either about his behavior. Finally the courts took him away from both of us and put him in foster care. I could not prevent it because the Judge would not enforce her own laws and he was not paying support or following visitation order. He also was harassing me so bad that I got ill. No one would give me an Order of Protection or Police would do nothing, so finally the Courts took him and put him in a foster home because I got ill and had to go to hospital and my family refused to watch him.

    My son grew up having to experience this and watching his Dad disrespect me when I did drop his off occasionally for visitation. My son grew up in this foster home that was siding with the biological father in front of my son. My son has learned to disrespect me. I have looked forward to the visits with him and always planned events that he wanted to do and gave my son choices. Problem is he did not want to do anything with me. During the visits he only wanted to see my abusive mother. When I brought him to see her, she also was controlling, telling me not to talk to my son and not to connect. She would tell me to go into the other room when my son while I was there because my son would not visit with me. He only wanted a free ride to my moms house because the foster parents would not bring him.

    I have told my son that I loved him repeatedly growing up. Have ask him simple questions about school, himself, girlfriends growing up to initiate conversation. I have gone to counseling with him but he would not talk. Since it was Foster Care Program, they got all reports and these were sent to Court. My son was afraid to talk because he knew reports went to Court and he would get in trouble if he said anything about the foster parents. They were very derogatory to me and had 7 foster kids who became derogatory also when I called trying to arrange a visit. This went on for 12 years while I hung in there and did everything I was supposed to do but the System refused to give my son back to me. I went to school and became an RN, BSN but they still refused to give him back to me.

    My son moved out of there from High School and moved in with my mother, his grandma. He did not want to live with me because of the disrespect everyone has had towards me. I did attempt to set boundaries continuously with them but they were violated and it would cause another argument in front of my son. When I tried to take my son out of there, he refused to come and I could not touch him because he was in Foster Care and he would report it to Foster Parents and they would report it to System.

    When my son moved in with my mother, I thought finally I could talk to him and form a relationship without any one interfering. Wrong again. My son walked away and went into his bedroom and occasionally came out to listen to me talking to my mom who always seem to abuse me verbally in front of my son. I would leave but my son defended my mom no matter what. My mother was physically abusive also. She got mad if I used her water to wash my hands or put spices on something I ate there and start punching me. She refused help. My son now lived there.

    I have tried to talk to my son alone and tried to get him to come to a restaurant or anywhere where we could talk and I would pay, but he refused every time.
    I have tried sending a letter maybe 1-2 times letting him know that I would like to talk to him about what has happened through the years of Foster Care, growing up in my Mom’s house, why my Mom would not take him, etc. and he refuses to want to talk or deal with the Issues that are making him angry. He does not respect me because of the slander from everyone and disrespect I have gotten and he does not want to be rejected by my family or foster family if he stands up to them. He hardly sees the foster family but this is all he has known and his abusive Dad and my abusive family. I hurt tremendously for my son. I feel his pain, I feel guilty for something I could not control and for the life that my son had to live and watching people abuse me and not being able to do anything because he was a child. My son craves a family and is taking whatever family he could get, which would be my abusive family.

    I am not denying him my family but I want a relationship with him also and he does not want one. I saved money for years for his College and I had a big chunk. He told Foster Family and they told the County and it was my son’s money in a separate account, so it was not my money and I did not touch it. My family refused to hold it for him for 1 year. The County forced me to get it out of my name. I had no one’s name to put it in but this foster family and they promised they would hold it. They did but them they kicked my son out before he graduated from High School. My son brought the Police to get his money. I saved it for 17 yrs. of his life and did not spend it. This foster family now had it, kicked my son out and he called the Police to get it. When he got it he spent the entire thing on Gambling on Internet and he would not let me hold it again. Now he is angry that the College Fund was given to him and blames me. Foster Parents agreed they would not give it to him, but when they kicked him out, my son was not going to let them keep his money so he took action. They did not tell me until the money was almost all spent.

    Well anyhow, my son was vindictive towards me and was on computer gambling $3000 at a time and having me watch. I begged him to please stop and he did it more. Now he is angry that he was given his College Money and blames me. I was ordered by County to take it out of my name. I asked him how he feels first about putting it in the Foster Parents Name and he refused to talk to me and kept hanging up the phone when he was still living there. He refused to talk to me on visitation when we were alone.

    As an adult, he still refuses to talk to me about current or past events. He lived with my mom. She died and my older vindictive sister who has hated me since 5 yrs. old got her house and my son lives in it. My sister excludes me from any family events and my son now lives upstairs from her. She will not talk to my 2 kids if they talk to me. When my Mom was dying of cancer, she made it difficult to see her. She was the health care proxy. She threatened to call Police if I said anything to my Mom she did not like. I walked on egg shells, but she made digging remarks against me when I visited even insulted the fresh fruit I brought my Mom. My son hears this. She also was threatening me to not go to the cemetary since she did not have a funeral for our Mom. I wanted at least a Church event to remember her, but my sister refused to give me the names, phone numbers and addresses of my relatives because she collected my Moms phone books.

    My sister told me 1 hour after my mom died to come and get anything I stored at Moms House and the clock starts ticking the second my mom died. I have one month. At one week after Mom died she called my boyfriend up and told him the day and time she wants me to get my things. I asked the neighborhood Police Station for an escort. The escort came at the corner of my Mom’s street and arrested me on the spot. Cop drove over to moms house and Officer was coaxing MY sister to write a false report stating that I threatened my sister. He then Called my SON and told my son to do the same thing. My son had to comply because the Police Officer was telling him to do this. The Officer coaxed them into this because I heard through the window of the Police Car. How horrible that my son was railroaded into this. He also lives in my Moms house given to my sister. It is a double. My son lives upstairs and complies whatever my sister wants. He feels pressured again to go against his Mom that loves him. My sister has put my son in a horrible place! He either rejects me or he is out on the street! He will not live with me. She also puts on m daughter that if she talks to me—she will not talk to her, so my daughter will tell me not to let her know that she is talking to me. I do not talk to my sister at all. When I have, she makes digs even when nothing is happening. When I logically reason with her, or send a card she calls the police and says I am harassing her. When she had me arrested, she made an appt with my friend and me to get my things. I never arrived only waited in my car at corner for my friend and the Police escort arrested me immediately when I asked if he was the police escort. My sister drummed this up before I got there and waited in my car. I do not understand this to this day, how I could be arrested sitting in my car. There were no Orders of Protection in place.

    Now my son is in the middle since he lives in my Mom’s house. There is no family. I do not want to take him from the only family he knows. My sister and her son are abusive. I wanted to keep my son from this family since they are abusive to me, but I did not want him to hate me for separating him from his grandma and cousins, so I brought him. I would not have had any visitation with him if I said No and he was in Foster Home.

    I do not know how to begin to put the pieces together for him if he refuses to talk or see me at all. I do not want to get arrested if I push it either. He does not want to take the chance and talk to me himself for fear of rejection from my family. My sister is gay and so is her son and I do not fit into their category and they hold that against me. My son is straight. He resents me for all that has happened. I could not keep my son out of their lives without telling him why and I did not want to tell him how screwed up this family is while growing up. He seems to accept their flaws of meanness and co-dependency. He will not forgive me because of growing up, holding his Dad to paying child support, his Foster Care Days and my illness of Depression and Anxiety (genetic). I did go to school and become a RN, BSN but he is hostile and angry he does not have a good life, while he continues to refuse me for anything. I forgive him for what he has done to me, side in with sister and have me arrested, but h will make no attempt to talk to me or even go to a restaurant with me or have any relationship with me. I sent him 2 honest letters telling him I love him and got no response. I walked past him at a Festival and he avoided me. I do not know what else to do. I broke the ice and he gives no response. We were close when he was little. Help. I do not believe in staying mad. I believe in talking and reconciling but do not want to get arrested while doing it. L.

    • Luise Volta February 12, 2013 at 11:07 pm #

      Please consider turning away from the complex relationships that are so hard for you and find what you can in life that brings you joy. You heard from me and from others on http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com in December. All I can add is that we can’t make sense of the senseless or rewrite history and sometimes we just have to move on. Blessings, Luise

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