Question: Dear Luise: First let me say my fiance and I are both in our mid 50’s so we should know what we want. We got engaged 2 years ago. We decided to sell our individual homes and purchase a home together. We have now looked at homes for 1 1/2 yrs and absolutely nothing appeals to him. He has found fault with everything, price, location, size, sq ft, etc. I am saying if we have not found a house in this length of time, then there is nothing out there that will please him. He says he’s just not seen a house he’s “comfortable” buying, just not found the right one. I’m thinking he is dragging his feet for a reason and not really wanting to make the commitment of having a home with me. I’m ready to go back on my own, I’m so frustrated and the stress is killing me. B.J.
Answer: Dear B.J. I’d say you’re right about his dragging his feet. It’s time for a serious heart-to-heart. He may be able to see that his conduct represents unacknowledged and unspoken fears or he may have them buried so deep that he really thinks there isn’t a suitable house out there after looking for a year and a half. If that’s the case, there’s probably no way you can help him get to the core of this issue unless he’s willing to get counseling.
Some of us are able to say more through our actions than we can verbally. Feelings are often hard to get to and many men aren’t taught how to express fear or even know it’s there under the surface. Denial is usually the choice of action, if confronted.
Depending on how things go when you let him know where you are coming from, you may need to buy your own home and get on with your life. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you go on without him. What comes next would have to be negotiated. You are responsible for your own health and happiness…just as he is for his. At present, you are at the effect of his un-addressed issues and that’s gone on long enough. Blessings, Luise