Should A Free Spirit Marry

Question: Dear Luise: I wonder if marriage is possible for the free spirit? I have been single for many years and instead of looking for “the” guy, I have been carefully protecting my independence and privacy. Well, guess who ran smack into “the” guy? Right! I’m a grandmother and a professional woman. I took raising my sons very seriously and unfortunately, I took being married a lot more seriously than my husband did. Now, I have what I thought was a full life…a good job, my own home, rental property and wonderful family and friends. I’m anguishing over what to do about my dream man. We get along so well. He’s solid and loyal along with being interesting and fun. I just went through cancer and he was there for me 24/7. He wants to move to another state. I won’t go because of my grandchildren, and he is willing to give that up for me. I am so afraid of commitment and the disillusionment it brought into my life when I smelled orange blossoms once before. Do you have any words of wisdom for me? Thanks, Jan

Answer: Dear Jan: Oh, poor you! I can hear women weeping for you far and wide! Seriously, though, I also know exactly what you are talking about. Been there…done that. And it worked because Val really is “the” guy and we hammered it all out before we married. I’m referring to the structure, of course…the adjustments just have to be gotten through.

When a friend of mine wanted to introduce me to Val, I refused. She was sure we were a match and that’s why I refused! I was delighting in my single life and wallowing in the joy of not having to negotiate my life with another person, usually to my regret. He didn’t want to meet me, either, because he had only been widowed for a year and wasn’t interested. We finally agreed to meet to shut our mutual friend up. And the rest, as they say, is history.

The magic ingredient for us was very open, forthright, mutual honesty. It still is. I told him that I wasn’t a clinger and didn’t want a Velcro relationship. I wanted total freedom to go on retreats monthly with my daughter or alone…I wanted my own room…I didn’t want to cook…and I didn’t want anyone with veto-power over me, financially. None of this made any sense to him. He’d been happily married to his childhood sweetheart for 59 years and they had always been two peas in a pod.

What did make sense to him was the wonderful connection we both felt and the fact that he felt adventurous enough to try something new. That was eighteen years ago. The plan was simple but/and executing it wasn’t always easy for either of us. We made it through the rough spots by communicating, struggling and caring. However, having to work at it has been behind us for a long time, now.

I believe that free spirits can and do create successful marriages. Furthermore, it sounds to me like you and your guy might be likely candidates. Blessings, Luise

2 Responses to Should A Free Spirit Marry

  1. RT September 26, 2006 at 10:59 am #

    Luise, I just love you!!! I have been reading your site (should be working) and cannot stop clicking away. Your advice sounds like it is filled with love and understanding and I tell you, you are a breath of fresh air.

    I too, enjoy my freedom and am now engaged. It took a HUGE revelation for me to just accept that God sometimes sends Mr. RIGHT to those not seeking Mr. RIGHT because we are so in-tune with ourselves that we are ready to accept His Mr. RIGHT FOR US.

    I have been dodging my Mr. RIGHT for years (10) due to my past hurt from my parent’s divorce. My deep feelings have always been that if my dad could leave us what man wouldn’t do the same? Fortunately God allowed me to grow stronger and become a whole person. He rid me of the surface wounds and allowed me to use my father’s example as the “what I don’t want in a man”. God then allowed me to heal so that I could get the education I wanted, travel to the places I wanted, and make friends of every culture, race, and religious affiliation. God showed me that I did not need to have a man complete me but rather one to do the things I enjoyed WITH me.

    Once I got over what I would loose if I decided to spend my life with Mr. RIGHT, I realized, I was gaining more than I would be loosing. I also had to get past the cycle of love a man, find his faults, and then justify a reason to walk away so I could protect my heart (great advice you gave the other lady too by the way).

    I have to admit that there are times when I am terrified at what could happen. However, I decided to love really hard with all my heart and if things don’t work out–oh well, it won’t be easy to get over but at least I would have had a wonderful love experience once in my life. Luise your advice to Jan was on the money and I hope she has a great life with her Mr. RIGHT!!!

  2. Luise September 28, 2006 at 12:19 pm #

    Dear RT: Your enthusiasm in contagious! Mr. Right is getting a live wire and that’s a huge gift. There are no guarantees. We trust because that’s our nature. Not to trust is a very negative space. It’s so much better to embrace life and whatever it brings rather than to try to write an all-hazard insurance policy against loss that precludes living! Blessings to you both! Luise

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