Is Fixing Relationships Possible?

Question: Hi Luise: I am in love with a man who is unwilling to commit to me. He says he cares, then shows that he doesn’t by being thoughtless. He says we’re just friends, then asks me for much more. I’m getting all kinds of mixed messages. I am in love with him. l feel very sure of that, and am consistent. Can this relationship be fixed? If so, how? Sincerely, LeAnne

Answer: Dear LeAnne: Not by you. Your guy could fix it, if that was a priority of his but it sure looks like it isn’t. You sound mature, he does not. That leaves you in love with someone who is still a child in many ways. Do you have any idea how many women marry guys like that for just that reason? They want to mother them and the guys want a Mom. It’s a no go situation because they also want to be the “in-charge” man and just aren’t up for it. Guess whose fault that usually turns out to be? Conflict can’t help but evolve out of your mothering him and his loving it/hating it. Actually, you do, too. That appears to be about all you have in common, the fact that it’s not working for either of you.

It’s time to get this out in the open. Not the dynamics, they would probably never be acknowledged, but the fact that you want more than boyish charm and inconsistancy in your life. He probably is lovable, that’s what got you into this situation. Let him know that you are going to go it alone and look for someone you can lean on occasionally and depend on more regularly. That ought to send him running for the hills. Loving someone does not guarantee that you are compatible partners. Loving can be very idealistic, and day to day living can be a drag if there isn’t any substance to back up the romance. Move on…now! Blessings, Luise

4 Responses to Is Fixing Relationships Possible?

  1. Chrys June 26, 2006 at 9:53 pm #

    Im in a 2 year relationship that has hit a really rough spot. We have both had several previous relationships with unfaithful people, and had our hearts ripped out by these people. We really love one another, but where we are having trouble is allowing the other in completely. I believe I’m ready but we’re both afraid to take that first step alone. I spend most of my time trying to convince him that he’s not alone, I’m not going to hurt him, and that he can count on me. He doesn’t try anymore to do these things for me, so every day I wake up with the fear I’m going to lose him because of our fears. How can I get him to open up? I really want this to work out he’s a truly wonderful man, and I can’t see my life without him in it. Please help us!

  2. Luise July 19, 2006 at 3:50 pm #

    Answer: Dear Chrys: The truth is that words probably aren’t going to do it. The fact that he no longer reassures you, means something. As him what it means. Has he given up on you or does he think you should know by now? How does he feel about your constant reassurances? Bored or unconvinced? The truth is no one can ever guarantee the future. All we can do is give the present our full attention and best effort. If you picked losers before and have learned from that, you could have a great thing going. You may be messing it up with all of the verbal efforts. Talk to each other. How are you both doing and what do you want? Once you clear the air, let go of the verbal promises and just keep you word one day at a time. Blessings, Luise

  3. Joshua October 5, 2006 at 10:23 pm #

    My girlfriend of over a year has recently become distant, I approached her about it multiple times and she refused to admit anything was wrong, then a week or so after the feelings started to arise in her she finally told me that she was having doubts about where our relationship is headed. But before I get into this I should clarify some things, Throughout our relationship I have been pretty jealous, controlling, insecure.. I have had no reason to be insecure as she’s a beautiful moral driven girl who would never cheat on me. I have got less and less of all of the above through the length of our relationship, but recently she’s been wanting to experiment with alcohol and me being a bonehead I got upset everytime she mentioned it, I more or less acted like she killed my best friend. Now she has not given up on me from what she says because I realized I’ve been wrong and need to give her space to grow, but I need to change some things. I’ve been so shaken up by this and emotionally distraught I have been acting incredibly happy to try and change her mood, and more lovey than usual sending her 2-page e-cards telling her how I feel about it and she came out to me today and said I’m pushing her away by completely changing who I am, and acting artificially happy. I have been happy, but not as much as I’ve let on.. I want to make an honest effort at getting our relationship back on track.. besides the obvious of drop all of the “acting” and just return to the person she fell in love with, any suggestions? I should also mention it is a fairly long distance relationship, 120 miles. Throughout the week I have tried to get her on the phone or let me see her webcam because her smile/laugh is a good indication of what she’s thinking, but her voice is almost emotion-less.

  4. Luise October 7, 2006 at 10:07 am #

    Dear Joshua: The above feels more like a quesiton than a comment. I will be responding soon.
    Blessings, Luise

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