I Feel Invisible

Question: Dear Luise: Why is my husband more interested in our children than he is in me? He is totally involved with their schoolwork, sports and social interests and treats me like I am part of the wallpaper. He doesn’t hate me he just doesn’t find me interesting or focus on me. I know there are worse problems and I do appreciate that he’s a good dad, but he isn’t much of a husband any more. Is this hopeless Brenda

Answer: Dear Brenda: How strange life is. So often it is out of balance. There are wives out there who grieve because their husbands never pay any attention to the kids. And wives who wish their husbands weren’t so possessive and absorbed with them. It seems to me that many of us are seeking better balance much of the time.

There isn’t a great deal you can do about how your husband is. That’s how he is. We can’t change people or their focus. There was a time when you were “it”, right? (That’s probably how you got those great kids.) There are people who have one-track minds and don’t multi-task or multi-focus well. And don’t forget that kids are ever-changing and pretty challenging.

This is one of those situations where you need to look at what you can provide for yourself. Whether it’s a broader circle of friends, counseling, expanded hobbies or something else that interests you, there’s a need for you to add something to your life to offset this lack. Not getting what you need from your husband doesn’t mean that your needs don’t matter.

The most important fact for you to accept as you head toward a solution is that you can solve this independently. It may not be easy but you can be resourceful and successful and do this on your own. I don’t agree with the way your husband is any more than you do, but it’s time to move beyond being at the effect of it.

I would suggest you shift from seeing yourself as deserted to seeing yourself as free to consider other ways to enjoy your life and find fulfillment. Be creative and adventuresome. Do you work? If not, would you like to have a part time job? Do you do volunteer work? If not, would you like to? Open some doors of possibility beyond wife and mother. Explore.

You don’t need to take yourself for granted because another person does, or see yourself as less. It’s time to consider being more. Blessings, Luise

3 Responses to I Feel Invisible

  1. holly April 27, 2007 at 7:05 pm #

    I have been a second class citizen my whole life. I don’t know why but that is how it always is. I cant even have a conversation with my husband with out it being what he wants to talk about. if i esspress my oppinion he gets mad and mean enough to say i am a whiner and that i need to get over it. he moved me to a state that i don’t like. after telling me we were going to go to idaho. then on a visit to his parents in montana he decides to stay there. never even conciders how i feel because i am no one importand and never have been. i feel like crap and just wish i was at least noticed for something other than doing dishes.

  2. Luise April 30, 2007 at 7:28 am #

    Answer: Dear Holly: Try to think back. How was it when you fell in love and married? Was he attentive and interested in you then? What happened? I had the same experience and much later, I was able to see that he was only interested until the novelty wore off and it was clear that I was committed. The conquest was the game and after that I was no longer his focus. Your life will continue to be enpty if you wait to be noticed and honored. In all probability nothing is going to change. However, it is still your life and you have the right to redesign it…and yourself. I did. You can. Blessings, Luise

  3. T. October 25, 2013 at 11:56 pm #

    Louise you gave horrible advice to B. If the husband is not encouraged to have a relationship with his wife the children are going to find themselves in the middle of a divorce and broken family . The husband and wife are the core of that family and the children will suffer if the parents don’t find time together. So sad you had no compassion for Brenda and the family !!! Please look at the big picture! To disregard Brenda and treat her just as her husband has, insignificant. And those children will find themselves in an unhappy marriages following fathers example. It’s so sad how the importance of the parents connection with each other has been out down and almost reprimanded !! Shameful, please consider the harm your advice can cause. T.

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