Question: Dear Luise: Why is my husband more interested in our children than he is in me? He is totally involved with their schoolwork, sports and social interests and treats me like I am part of the wallpaper. He doesn’t hate me he just doesn’t find me interesting or focus on me. I know there are worse problems and I do appreciate that he’s a good dad, but he isn’t much of a husband any more. Is this hopeless Brenda
Answer: Dear Brenda: How strange life is. So often it is out of balance. There are wives out there who grieve because their husbands never pay any attention to the kids. And wives who wish their husbands weren’t so possessive and absorbed with them. It seems to me that many of us are seeking better balance much of the time.
There isn’t a great deal you can do about how your husband is. That’s how he is. We can’t change people or their focus. There was a time when you were “it”, right? (That’s probably how you got those great kids.) There are people who have one-track minds and don’t multi-task or multi-focus well. And don’t forget that kids are ever-changing and pretty challenging.
This is one of those situations where you need to look at what you can provide for yourself. Whether it’s a broader circle of friends, counseling, expanded hobbies or something else that interests you, there’s a need for you to add something to your life to offset this lack. Not getting what you need from your husband doesn’t mean that your needs don’t matter.
The most important fact for you to accept as you head toward a solution is that you can solve this independently. It may not be easy but you can be resourceful and successful and do this on your own. I don’t agree with the way your husband is any more than you do, but it’s time to move beyond being at the effect of it.
I would suggest you shift from seeing yourself as deserted to seeing yourself as free to consider other ways to enjoy your life and find fulfillment. Be creative and adventuresome. Do you work? If not, would you like to have a part time job? Do you do volunteer work? If not, would you like to? Open some doors of possibility beyond wife and mother. Explore.
You don’t need to take yourself for granted because another person does, or see yourself as less. It’s time to consider being more. Blessings, Luise