Answer: You just answered your own question by writing, “I do not want to support myself or hurt any of my children by divorcing him.

Your husband is the way he is. He isn’t going to change. I married someone very similar when I was 20 and foolishly thought that marriage was happily ever after. I left him when my sons were 17 and 10. We were all damaged by that decision. I am 85 years old now and when I look back, I can see that my sons had a pretty miserable relationship role model in us. It spoke clearly of my husband’s lack of respect for us that was at the center of our issues…and of my lack of self-respect that I didn’t do anything about it for 18 years. I kept thinking I could change it or it would somehow run its course. That simply was not true.

I faced learning to support myself and it wasn’t easy. And my kids faced the break-up and that wasn’t easy, either. My husband was deeply hurt because he didn’t know how to be anybody except who he was. I can’t say I wish I’d never married him because of our sons. We were all hurt but I wonder if the hurt we lived with before I left him wasn’t even more lethal because it was undefined and never resolved.

So, the answer is that if you are going to stay, for whatever reason, the next step is to accept the unacceptable. There is no other choice. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear B.: My take is that you can’t change your sister or your husband, so there is no sense wishing they were different. That may sound callous but you are the one that matters. You just lost your mom and you will “get over it” when you do.

Your sister is going to go right on reversing herself and criticizing you and your husband is going to go right on making unilateral decisions. That’s how they are.

I suggest you get yourself into grief counseling and start thinking about what you want (besides wanting others to be different than they are.) Then you can start looking at how you can create that. You have one very solid and very reliable advocate…your self. Use that resource and get that what your sister and your husband say and do is about them, not you. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear I.: You are right, if you don’t do it now, you never will…at least not the way you would at this time. Your mom is scared to death that something will happen to you and she thinks being super-strict is the best way to show she loves you. She’s wrong, of course…but her heart’s in the right place.

Ask her is someone can come over to your house. Maybe if she can do that, she will see how nice your friends are and trust their moms to watch you when you go over there. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear G.: The bad news is that you are stuck with her. The good news is that the bulk of your life will be on out your own, not in her jail. I have been out of high school and on my own for 66 years. The amount of time you spend with your family of origin is a very small part of your life.

Your mom is in charge and she won’t listen to you because she thinks she is saving you. She has read and heard horror stories about teenagers and the scary things that happen to them. She knows what a dangerous world it is out there and she is giving you her best. Does it make sense? Absolutely not! You should be free to start making your own decisions. It is going to be very hard for you to go from child to adult without any chance in between to grow up.

I am so glad you find school to be your salvation. You are wise to see it that way and use that opportunity to taste some well-earned freedom. The only way to get through what lies ahead is to accept it. You have no choice. Kids run away from home every day because it is so bad they think anything would be better than having to live that way. It’s a terrible mistake and they die on the streets every day.

Don’t cross her or argue with her. It only makes things worse for you and they are bad enough already. Stay out of her way and do what she says…and know that it’s almost over. You have put in sixteen of your eighteen-year sentence already.

You deserve so much better, we both know that. Take your awful experience with you when you do get to leave, so you can be a smarter, more compassionate parent. It has always been my guess that moms who are like that…were pretty wild when they were young. I may be wrong…but I think they remember all too clearly what they got away with. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear H.: We weren’t meant to keep our moms but for most of us, losing them is something we can never prepare for. We “knew” them for nine months before we even saw the light of day. And no one, absolutely no one, loves like a mom does.

When I lost my mom, it felt like the world I had known came to an end; even though I was in my 20s, married and a mom myself. All I can do is tell you what I did because it made a huge difference. I don’t know if it will help you or not.

I wrote to her. I sat down and poured my heart out. Sometimes at first, I wrote several times a day…because it gave me a strange sense of connection. I wrote and sobbed. I was hurt and angry and fearful and lost and I didn’t see how I could survive what I felt. I wrote and yelled sometimes…I just couldn’t hold it in and there wasn’t anyone who understood.

Little by little I started to be less and less out of control. I started to calm down without even realizing it at first…and I started very, very slowly to heal. I really don’t know when I started doing it…but I eventually began to write answers back to me from her. No, I didn’t hear her voice and I knew I was writing it…but I knew just what she would say to me.

I went on to have a long, full life…(I am now 85 years old.) But I still sit down at times and write. I talk things over with her and she helps me. I really believe that. When my eldest son died at age 52, she was there to see me through a very different and not so “natural” loss. I wonder sometimes, if, when I pass, if she will be there like she always has been.

That’s what I have in my heart to share with you. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J.: Those of us who “gave our children everything” and put them first at all times are beginning to understand, at least some of us, why our parents made us work hard and tow the line. I sounds to me like your son feels entitled and he isn’t looking to “get over himself” any time soon. Blame has a purpose…it is the perfect excuse for denying responsibility.

Because what you have described is the most often-asked question on my Website for the last seven years, I have created a Web-forum for the purpose of dialoguing with others who are up against the same or similar situations with their adult children and/or extended families. One question and answer here just isn’t enough. You need the support of a community committed to sharing and caring…listening and suggesting…venting and healing. It you are interested, please come over to: www.WiseWomenUnite.com You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: You have set out to destroy your marriage and it looks like you are going to succeed. The issue isn’t about your husband; it’s about you and your refusal to see him as a human being. You can’t be trusted to be compassionate. Can you consider that?

He made a serious mistake telling you about what he did (which I am not defending) because he thought you would understand. Now, no matter how many wonderful things are attributable to him, you insist on focusing on his imperfection. What we focus on expands. Did you know that? Can you see that makes sense?

You say he is an accomplished liar. You picked him. And you are an accomplished grudge holder. If you want a mate that is above reproach you have to be above reproach, too, and you aren’t. Can he change and become less manipulative? Who knows? That is entirely up to him. Can you change and grow up to the point that you can focus on what is positive in your life? That’s the question to address because you can do something about that. Do you want to teach your children to expect more of others than they can offer and less of themselves than they are capable of? You are their role model, remember.

Work on yourself and you will find that life will “work out.” Your guy deserves some peace and so do you. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear C.: One of the toughest assignments any of us will ever have to face is getting that people are the way they are. We go nuts wanting them to be different. Look closely at that. The guy talks to others about it but not to you. OK, that’s what he’s doing. We can guess that he doesn’t know what to say or fears rejection himself but it’s just guessing.

You get to be the way you are. That’s about you. You can’t hand scripts to others and expect them to follow them. Truth? We all try. It just doesn’t work. We have hopes and dreams and expectations but/and the only people that can do anything them it is ourselves. We can’t give the job to someone else. We wait or we don’t and when the other person makes a move then we are in full charge of how we respond. That’s it. Your safety lies within yourself. When it is dependent on another…you are never safe.

You can seek out more outgoing guy. That’s your business. How this one is feeling and acting…is his business. Can you get that? I‘ve had a very tough time with that most of my life but it finally dawned on me that I can’t hold up hoops and ask others to jump through them. We waste so much time wanting them to be different than they are and waiting and hoping someone will or won’t do what we want…and we hint all over the place. What they do is their business…in their own time or not at all. It isn’t up to us.

So, you just get to see how it all turns out or you get to say to yourself that the discomfort isn’t worth it. Falling for someone and getting through the uncertainty that accompanies moving from best friends to being that special someone is not easy. For many of us, however, we’re glad we hung in there. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: So often this kind of thing happens after a funeral. People’s emotions are all over the place and “things” temporarily seem more important than the loyalty, support and love those left behind have for each other. Everyone can have a different idea of what was meant to be left to them and it is often not documented clearly.

On top of that we can’t call our adult children on what they say and do. We did our best when raising them and the rest is up to them. They get to decide because that’s how they mature and learn cause and effect. Our opinions are just that… and best kept to our selves because we are no longer “in charge.” Not easy.

Take a look at what you may be willing to do in changing your attitude and then let them know you are willing to do that. Go back over the “stuff” that your mother left and see if you can’t work out a better plan for distribution of her effects. Preserving your family is so much more important than material objects and being “right.” Give it your best shot. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: You shouldn’t have to take it another second. We can love people we can’t live with. The woman was not forthcoming about her current living arrangements. Who knows what kind of relationship she had with her “roommate?” She has been less than open and honest with you. She also should have appraised you of her plans regarding your future housemates, so you could make a decision based on all of the necessary information. It doesn’t sound to me like her word means much or that you share the same values.

My take, and it’s just a guess, is that she is a user and her son comes by it naturally. And, further, that she thinks you are a better bet than her former “roommate.” I also get that you deserve a whole lot better. I suggest that you gather up your dignity and self-respect, back out, set boundaries and move on. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear M.: One thing no one can do is figure out what another person is thinking. It’s nothing but a guessing game. That said, I will try to look at the situation with you.

He knows you like him. At the very beginning, you called attention to yourself by talking with others about your feelings. That may or may not have made him uncomfortable. He said he liked you but just wanted to be friends. You took that (getting it second hand, so you couldn’t ask him what her meant) to mean that he wanted to date you later on. He didn’t say that. My guess is that he got teased about you and in November it either got worse or he got fed up with it. Now, his actions are extreme…like with the computer. He now dis-likes you.

When intense feelings are one-sided, it can be really hard to take. However, none of us can make someone like or love us. We only look foolish trying to make it happen and usually totally turn the other person off. I’ve been there and it can eventually be embarrassing.

Your attraction is very real, I don’t doubt that, but it has the characteristics of a crush because it isn’t two-sided. The way that works is the more you think about it, the stronger it gets. I would suggest you let it go no matter how hard that is to do. You are getting nowhere and your self-esteem can’t help but be taking a beating.

You deserve so much better than this. You really do. Why not open your self up to other possibilities? Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J.: You know you do, (have a mess.) It’s up to you if you want to drift through the rest of your life when you know it isn’t going to get any better. No one can decide that but you. You have already drifted into marriage…knowing what was to come. You may feel like siblings or you may have become his mom since you see him becoming more and more dependent but you sure don’t have anything much beyond those parameters to look forward to.

You aren’t all he’s got…he has himself but he’s never figured that out. That’s his job, not yours, the way I see it. You didn’t “adopt” him.

My suggestion would be to see a counselor. Not a marriage counselor but one who could help you face and deal with your lack of direction and your inability to make a life for yourself. My take is that you are to blame for the mess you are in and you may need some support to be able to dig your way out of it. You deserve so much better but you are going to have to learn how to give it to yourself. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: You are punishing yourself unnecessarily. There is absolutely no reason for you to continue to do that. What you and your first friend had was going nowhere and you both knew it. It was foolish to make a two year commitment when both of you knew that. Please know that we all make mistake and let up on your self.

You both deserve to have happy lives and for her to get into such high drama about you finding your future wife is unrealistic, immature and selfish. No one and I mean NO ONE can make us feel guilty unless we choose to agree. You have bought into her reaction, which is anything but loving. Can’t you see that she should want the best for you? How would you have handled it, if she had connected with the appropriate person after only 6 months? I know the answer because I can sense your kindness. You would have released her and wished her well with all sincerity.

I would suggest that you consider yourself lucky…your former friend is sorely lacking. What is going on with her is about her…not you. Turn toward your future with a heart full of love and move forward. You are not in the wrong. Blessings, Luise

P.S. If you feel my response has helped you, please consider making a Donation to my Website. Thank you.

Answer: Dear B.: First of all, I want you to know that there are so many of us that are facing estrangement from out adult children, that I started a Web-forum several years ago around our issues. You can find us at www.WiseWomenUnite.com

This subject is one that is better put to a community for dialogue than to one person for a single response. If you choose to join us, you will find a deep level of caring and sharing, as well as understanding and healing there.

Most of us had reasonable expectations, hopes and dreams about relating to out adult children and extended families. They aren’t easy to let go of and so we keep trying to make it different than it is and to hope for change.

The truth is our job is done and they don’t owe us anything. Respect and a continued relationship has to come naturally, not out of obligations. We do our very best in raising them and then they make their own choices when they leave home. Some choose to stay connected, some don’t.  We have little or nothing to say about that. We can wish it were different, if they move on without wanting a relationship with us…but we can’t change it or them.

What can happen is we can get buried under a sense of injustice. We want so little and are being so reasonable. With that can come self-pity and it is easy to get stuck there. The way out can be a very difficult one. We were whole before we became parents and we can be whole again. No one can do that for us. It’s our job to accept our adult children’s choices and wish them well. They may learn compassion along the way and they may not.

From that point we need to turn our focus to expanding our own lives in other directions. It isn’t easy but it can be very rewarding. You may have noticed that I have written “we” and not “you.” Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear C. My take is that you need to get divorced. That may sound weird but some people, both men and women, are not happy without the challenge of a non-committed status in their relationship. You say you don’t want to lose the relationship now that it is “finally good” and then you tell me how bad it is. Take a good look at that. Your guy seems to have settled in for the long haul and appears to be demonstrating that he no longer has to be sexually inventive. (It may be unconscious on his part but the evidence points strongly to that possibility.) You push him away because you want and miss his former enthusiasm. It’s pretty clear that you can’t have it both ways. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J.: First and foremost, please come over to my Web-forum at www.WiseWomenUnite.com where many are in the same situation you are. You will find support and understanding there. The aloneness, for most of us, is excruciating and a single response here just isn’t enough because community is needed. I started it nearly three years ago for just that reason.

Your son knows where you are and what you want and contacting him is probably only going to bring you further grief. You raised him to the best of your ability and his life choices are now his business. We all have expectations of a continued, rewarding relationship with our adult children but for many of us, those expectations are not fulfilled for whatever reason…or even for no reason at all as far as we can tell.

Waiting is something most of us have had to give up on. It costs us too much, emotionally. You were a whole person before you had children and you can be whole again. For many of us, life starts to open up after parenting is completed but I think most of us have to work at it, at least at first. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: I think you need to get out of there, first and foremost. No matter how you do it, move on and start rebuilding your self-respect. You are not the one lacking! Lots of us have lived in a rented room, worked two jobs and made it through college without any help. You can, too.

My take is we can never let go of what we focus on. It only increases in magnitude. Your father and mother had huge issues that had nothing to do with you. It was totally unfair and unbelievably daunting but you are a separate person and can rise above it when you know is about them, not you. There is nothing written anywhere that says your life has to be trashed because they didn’t value theirs or you. That’s up to you to decide.

If you would like a cyber-family, come over to my Web-forum at www.WiseWomenUnite.com . Role models abound there!

The deepest love of all is self-love. We don’t usually get our “ideal” future because life has so many twists and turns in it…but we can create peace and joy and fulfillment because we said so. You are right about the unfairness but don’t let it rule you. That’s a choice. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J. You know you are special or you wouldn’t have written to me. And you knew how special I would think you are…and I do. I know how hard it is to move at your age (been there/done that) and it sounds like you are pretty miserable. I would be, too. The tough part is that when you give in to sadness, being upset and crying…things get worse. Always.

The only answer I know of is one you aren’t going to like. It is focus. What you focus on is what expands in your consciousness (life.) When you think about how bad things are they increase. You younger sisters are probably being spoiled and as the eldest, more is expected of you. If you get stuck in how unfair that is (and it is unfair) you can get mired down in self-pity and things will then go from bad to worse. Do you know, for instance how many kids don’t have an iPod, Kindle or cell? And don’t see a chance of getting them in the next five years?

That special friend is going to show up. You will attract her when you are more cheerful and funnier…warmer and friendlier. I know it isn’t easy but there is that part of you, even it it’s rusty. Give it a chance. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear D.: I have established a Web-forum for women who have the kinds of issues that need more than a single answer. An understanding community offers multiple responses and dialogue. Please come over to www.WiseWomenUnite.com  Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: You don’t have to be afraid of losing the guy because you don’t have him. You had hoped being close to you would help him through his fears but it’s not working. Your relationship, if you want to call it that, is on his terms and he is demonstrating that it works just fine for him the way it is. He knows what you want and you are just not his priority.

Gather up your self-respect and move on. You deserve so much more. Limiting your own life to suit and fit the fears of another person isn’t enough for you. And it shouldn’t be. Blessings, Luise