Answer: Dear M.: This isn’t about you. It’s about your son making choices as an adult. We don’t have anything to say about who our adult children become or what they do. All we can do is our best and then let go.

What this is about is you learning to accept the unacceptable and to do that you are going to have to stop trying to make sense of the senseless.  Crying whether secretly or out in the open may be the only way you can express how you feel about the way things turned out. It’s healthy to a point but beyond that it is self-destructive. You are crying because you didn’t get your way. You had expectations that were perfectly reasonable but they aren’t going to be met. No one else ever has to meet our expectations…they are about us, not them.

If this sounds harsh and cold, it’s because life can be both of those things. You were a whole person before you became a parent and you can be whole again. That’s where your recovery lies. It’s not in hoping and praying things will change, it’s in creating a new life for yourself and in being grateful you have it. Be very careful that you don’t get stuck in self-pity about the injustice of your situation or it will take you down. I, personally, would never attend a wedding where I wasn’t welcomed and loved but that’s up to you. It is just going to be more abuse. Surely you can see that. (I would also never stay on the phone while someone yelled at me.) Your son is gone…and in his place is someone you don’t know, or even want to know.

If you would like support, please come over to my Web-forum: www.WiseWomenUnite.com where more women than you can imagine are dealing with the same or similar situations. You don’t have to face this alone. Blessing, Luise

Answer: Dear D.: You have to carefully remove the paint and rust because the VIN is indented. If you did that and there’s nothing…(you have to go by “feel”) then the only other place I know of to look is the cross bar that the tongue attaches to. Same procedure, unfortunately. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: It may look like you have no choice but you do. You probably just don’t like the consequences. You can either continue to teach this girl that lying and using others works by being a role model for that concept or you can teach her self-respect by respecting your self. The world is full of people who have no place to go. If you put an ad in the paper, how many do you think would be on your doorstep the next day? Is she any more important than any of the rest of them? Are they your responsibility? For Mother Teresa they were. For most of us, we aren’t quite there yet. The girl’s life, her baby, her boyfriend and  her depression are not your problems to solve. Trying to do so is taking you down. If you want to look good to the people at work and sacrifice your life, you have that choice. You also have the choice to say that it is not working for you financially or emotionally. If you have to let the place go, put your things in storage and move into a rented room to turn your life around…do it. . Please know that you matter and it may be the only thing to do at this juncture to undo a serious mistake on your part. We all learn from our mistakes and I believe that compassion is a characteristic that takes some management or you will find you simpy have nothing left to give. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear H.: Your issue is incredibly serious, as you know. I’m a grandmother and a great grandmother and I’m furious! Your little one’s depend on you for protection. That comes ahead of everything else…including your relationship with anyone who puts them at risk. Others don’t have to agree with you. You are the parents and in charge and fully responsible. You make the rules. Your in-laws can cry and yell all they want to but it’s your way or the highway! Don’t ever leave your babies alone with them again! None of the family politics matter; the cold-shoulder, silent treatment or bad-mouthing you to others. The survival of your children is what matters. That’s it! What would they say at a funeral? Oops? Trust issues? You betcha! Stand tall and never back down, even if it leaves you without any in-laws at all!

Please consider bringing your situation over to my Web-forum at www.WiseWomenUnite.com so you can have the benefit of input from others as well as from me. I hope to see you there. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear T.: What you have experienced is one-sided love and that is not what love is about. Love is about mutual respect and partnership. It is about maturing. Your customs are very different than mine but I have a sincere regard for them. Your parents know you and they have the maturity to find a mate for you that you will grow to love because you will be well suited. I sometimes wish my parents had done that but they stepped aside and let me make some serious mistakes. That is the custom in my country.

I would go to my parents and tell them that I need help to grow beyond my ideas of romance and want to develop the maturity to lead a responsible and rewarding life. I would ask them to select my mate, trusting them implicitly because no one knows and loves you more than they do or is more committed to your leading a fulfilled life as an adult woman. Trust them. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear E.: One of the things young adults often do when faced with the awesome experience of being responsible for themselves, is to blame others for real or imagined imperfections. If he can establish within himself that you didn’t do your parenting right…it may give him as sense of power as opposed to helplessness. Consider the source, a very immature person, and the cause, probably very normal and natural insecurity…and know that you did a great job…and you still are!

If you are interested, please come over to my women’s Web-forum for some positive feedback from others who are the facing the same or very similar circumstances. www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear C.: I am going to suggest that you bring your issue over to my women’s Website, www.WiseWomenUnite.com where you will get multiple perspectives on what is going with your son. Certainly it is exploitation and your son has you right where he wants you. It’s also called abuse. And he is holding the well being of your grandchildren over your head as a threat. My guess is that he has no intention of stopping it. It’s working very effectively. In addition, he has placed you in the position of being a role model for them to learn what the lack of self-respect and self worth looks like. You deserve so much better but you are the only one who can give it to yourself. You are choosing not to for obvious reasons and I can understand that but there is no way that I know of to have it both ways. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear M.: My take is that your husband is doing something radical because you did. You had no right to make a unilateral decision like that. It was immature, selfish, shortsighted and dangerous. Tell him you want to get back on solid ground again and will return or sell the instrument. Ask him to meet you half way by not continuing to harp about it. I agree that you can’t be on the accounts. You acted like a child and children don’t have bank accounts. Consider taking a job in a different field, perhaps at less pay. What is probably behind all of his angst is his anxiety over being the only one working and knowing your unemployment is going to run out. Talk to each other about this. Don’t let it undermine your marriage. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear M.: Your daughter in law is how she is and she isn’t going to change. What you are going though is about your son’s choices and he has the right to make them. The rest of it is about your expectations and they are about you, not your son. That’s the hardest thing for most of us, yup, me, too, to get. We raise our children to the best of our ability and then we have to let go and often watch them flounder, make choices that confound us and face (or don’t) the consequences. Your hopes and dreams are not your son’s responsibility. He’s set his life up so he already has a full plate. You are his past. For  some, that isn’t true but for many of us, it is.

I can’t comment on your religious concerns except to say that we were all created human and imperfect. It’s our nature to want to be smarter, tougher, wiser and kinder. We have to accept that all we can do is our best. Feeling sad and seeing the unfairness is normal and it is also very easy to slip into self-pity. Don’t get stuck there. It’s a lonely and pathological place and incredibly self-absorbed. You didn’t get what you wanted. We often don’t.

If you feel you would benefit from becoming a part of a supportive community of women up against the same or similar issues, please come over to my Web-forum at www.WiseWomenUnite.com .

And remember that  you were whole before you became a parent and you can be whole again. Accepting disappointments and even injustice is part of growing up and my take is that we are always growing up as long as we live. (I’m 85 and still have a long way to go.) Wish your son and the woman he chose well and turn toward your own healing and the fullness and joy on the other side of that. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: I doubt that a single question on a Website is going to give you what you want and need. I suggest a good child psychologist and his school counselor. Your son has power that he is not able to handle. It may be that he will need to live with his dad and step-mom. I have no idea. Being raised in two households that differ so radically is making it worse, your efforts are continually being undermined, to you son’s delight.

When a child has a sense of entitlement, it is usually something he has been taught. Not that any of you intended that, but it’s still what he learned and is applying to his life on a daily basis. He hasn’t earned it. As a result, he has no sense of self-worth unless he is being indulged. Just my take, remember. You need professionals. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

t

Answer: Dear M.: Letting go of expectations is one of the hardest things any of us ever has to learn to do. How others respond to the work you do as a nurse  tells you the truth about your self. If you would like support please come over to my Web-forum at www.WiseWomenUnite.com

I would like to add that I think having a pet is incredibly healthy. My dog, Rosa, gives me unconditional love. What a gift! Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: It sounds to me like your son is in conflict over you finding someone new and has no idea how to deal with those feelings. He wants to take a stand with you and he wants to look good to his wife. Obviously it’s not working, so what better solution than to make it all your fault? Blame is an easy game.

All I know of that you can do is have compassion for him. He’s pretending to be an adult but he has a long way to go and doesn’t know it. If you get a chance, talk with him one-on-one and let him know you don’t want to complicate his life in any way. Then step back. He may not be ready to have your new friend in his life; that’s his problem, not yours and yes, you probably had other expectations. In that area, he isn’t required to fulfill your expectations, no matter how reasonable they are. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J.: Please come over to www.WiseWomenUnite.com, my Web-forum for women with issues with adult children and extended families where you will be able to meet and dialogue with other moms with similar issues. We raise our children and then we are done. What trips most of us up, me included, are the expectations we have around our adult children. Our expectations are about us, not them and we can get stuck trying to make sense of the senseless. What’s fair doesn’t factor into it. It sounds like your son can forgive his wife but not her little girl. That is so sad.

Our adult children get to make their own choices, including a spouse, and they get to learn as they go…or not. It’s no longer our business. After having every move they made be our business for the first two decades of their lives, this is pretty hard for most of us to get. Some adult children stay closely connected and respectful and marry rationally…many don’t. Our part is done. We gave it our best shot; beyond that is the fact that we were whole before we became parents and we can be whole again. You deserve so much better. It’s time to give it to your self. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear K.: This is his issue, not yours. I know that is hard to face when you have just found each other but it sounds like he was involved in this dynamic long before you appeared on the scene and it is his to resolve. Sometimes it is more important to pass on an inheritance than it is to be controlled by it but that’s for him to work through. I am 85 and in good health, so she could be around for a very long time. He could be selling out where his own life is concerned. It isn’t going to work if his mother is his 1^st priority…willingly or unwillingly. We often think we have no choice when what is true is we don’t want to face the consequences of difficult choices.

If I were in such a bind, I would get legal counsel regarding that stipulation. In my own family, my parent’s home went to my eldest sister because she provided them financial help when my middle sister and I were unable to. We were fine with that. However, even though they could and did stay there until they died, she had no obligation to be their slave and at their beck and call.

I suggest you suggest his seeing an attorney and perhaps getting some counseling and that the two of you look seriously at relocation. Then step back. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: There is an underlying thread of cruelty in being made fun of for being healthy and normal. You may be “loved” but he sounds more like a roommate than a significant other.

It obviously isn’t working for you and is translating into abuse on some level. What often follows is a sense of a lack of self-worth. It sounds to me like you know that and just needed to be heard. My take: Move on. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear D.: It can be extremely hard to get that the choices our adult children make and what they do or do not learn from the consequences of those choices is their path. We keep parenting and worrying and enabling and thinking if we don’t we will be responsible for what happens next. We create and then sell out to guilt.

The truth is our job is done. We did our best and the rest is up to them. Whether they succeed or fail job-wise, whether they deal with addiction or even whether they want to stay on the planet or not is about them, not us. We gave them life, we didn’t guarantee it. What they do with it is up to them. Your job was done 20 years ago.

Some of us keep on parenting. It’s a choice we have to make that no one can make for us. You and your husband were whole and complete before you had a family. You can be again. Al-anon will help if you will let them. The truth is that the more you help your adult son, the worse he feels about himself. My take: You deserve so much better and it’s time to give it to yourselves. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear M.: You are feeling the only way most of us can just two weeks after losing someone near and dear. We all know, intellectually, that life is temporary and death and loss are certain. That’s not usually where the problem lies. The problem lies in our emotions. We need emotions to be human and yet they can still be pretty hard to work through sometimes. You knew your mother wouldn’t live forever. You know you won’t either but the empty place where she was in your life is all you can see right now. It has to be that way. We have to face it to get through it. You don’t know that you will never be happy again without her. That’s how it is now and so you see the future that way. None of us can know what’s ahead, good or bad. We only know that both happy and sad are guaranteed to be part of it.

I lost my own mom when I was your age. I wasn’t able to see how blessed I was to have had her from birth until my own marriage and motherhood. All I could see was that a world without her was breaking my heart. What I did, and I have to admit it was out of desperation, was to write about my despair. At first it was just a form of journaling…but it soon evolved into a sense that I was writing to her. I told her how I felt because somehow it seemed like it still mattered to her. I wrote about my sense of hopelessness and how empty life was without her and how hurt and angry I was that she had been taken from me. I wanted to give her a better life and at the same time I still felt dependent on her in some way. Like all of us, I had never known life without her and it seemed like there just couldn’t be one I would value. I raged on paper and I wept…I poured it all out because I just couldn’t hold it in. I apologized for being so unable to cope and then I ranted some more. I knew I was talking to myself not my mother but that changed and I started to get the feeling that she heard me and eventually I got a sense we were connected when I wrote “to” her.

What came out of all of that for me was that I started writing answers back to me from my mother. I knew I was the one who was writing them but I also knew what she would say to me, if she could. I finally dawned on me that I probably didn’t know any more about life and death than the next person, and may have simply opened up a door between the two in my anguish.

That was fifty years ago. I still write to her sometimes…and she still answers. I have no idea if this will help you or not. It sure saved me. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear G.: You are tired of being treated with such a lack of respect? Was that what triggered you acting in a disrespectful way? Often a lot of adulthood isn’t fun.

My sense is that you have already moved on. I’m not minimizing the pain and suffering that comes to all parties concerned when basic incompatibility is present and looks like it can’t be resolved. But/and counseling can only do so much and is often focused on both parties being willing to learn to have the other be the way that person is. Change often isn’t an option. Isn’t it a catch 22 when your husband refuses to consider it and you have chosen to look elsewhere? Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear T.: The best source I know of is www.tincantourists.com They have a restoration link. Good luck, Luise

Answer: Dear B.: My take, and others may not agree with me, is that you don’t have a marriage if your husband is making decisions on his own that affect you and your daughter. That’s not a partnership, it’s a dictatorship.

If your husband is the one that got physical first, that’s very serious as well. And if your father started it, he needs to know that it wasn’t even his issue. Your mother didn’t respect your husband. That’s clear. Your father took exception to your husband’s taking exception to your mother taking exception. What a mess.

This is about your relationship. It isn’t about your parents and their very unacceptable behavior. You and your husband need to talk and agree. You are parents, not kids. You have a new family unit and you get to make your own rules just like your mother and father once did. If your husband’s hurt feelings are more important to him than working this through with you, you’re in serious trouble.

Home. That’s where to start. Take your parents out of the equation. You aren’t their “child” any longer…and their relationship with the two of you and your daughter isn’t the primary issue. You are a married woman with her hands full and your work cut out for you. No matter how provoked your husband was, physical violence is something he had no right to start…and if he didn’t start it…he should have walked away from it. You can’t let your baby live with a role model like that. I am so sorry. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise