Extended Family

Question: Dear Luise: My husband and I will be married for 2 years on the 18th of June… He has a previous marriage and so do I.  He kids are in the late 30’s and mine is in his early 30’s.  Well, that’s all good… But husband son talks really bad of me, ugly words and is angry to his dad, my husband every time they talk.. Now, whats going on is my husband’s mother and husband’s son are both saying horrible things about me.. Judging me for other marriages I have had that didn’t work out… I have not done anything to them, always been nice to them… My husband finally told his son not to call anymore if he doesn’t have any respect for me, or him…. Now my husband’s mom has lied to him, on stuff that she says that I said about him(my husband)… Because she is 86, and he loves his mom, they now reduced their conversations down to “how’s the weather” or something like that… And the son, well he hasn’t called… I truly believe that they are trying to bust up me and my husband, and they do not want RC(my husband) to take care of me if he passes on… His son tells him and me that if my “dad” passes, that he will kick me out of our trailer now and off the property… How cruel is that? So now its me and my husband with our two dogs….  But my family doesn’t make mountains out of mole hills so to speak.  My son JD accepts his new step dad…and he is 31. My husband’s daughter has accepted me… Why can’t the grown son accept me and just move on that his mom and my husband will never be together again?   Please help me…P.

Answer: Dear P.: This is a situation I am all too familiar with because I have been through it.  Make take is that all you can do is get that there is nothing you can do about any of it…and then do your best to protect yourselves. Move. Get a place you can’t lose if and when everything changes.

Your stepson and your MIL are adults and can live his their lives as they choose and make up anything they like. You have no say about their lack of honesty, fairness or kindness. They have no obligation to meet your husband’s expectations or to change. They wants black ribbon to hang on the chair at his first wife’s place at the table. That’s a metaphor that came to my mind when I was going through it. No one was to ever sit there.

My husband’s stand was that I was his wife and his first priority and anyone who was disrespectful to me, was dishonoring him, since I was his choice. He saw all criticism regarding my background as living proof that his family did not want him to be happy, they wanted to control him. It broke his heart…but he moved on and we made a wonderful life for ourselves for 24 years, until his passed. The family eventually came around to being courteous to me and were grateful that I was his care giver at the end. Blessings, Luise

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