Sex With An Ex-lover

Question: Dear Luise: I know this isn’t the kind of question you usually get, but I don’t want to ask it on a site that is more liberal. Well, that may sound like I’m classifying you as conservative, and that’s not quite it. I just feel more comfortable with the way you are sort of “middle of the road”. Well, enough of that. I had a lover and we parted about eight months ago by mutual consent. We just weren’t a match and it was becoming more and more apparent. About a month ago we ran into each other at a party and ended up in bed together at my place. Since then, we have arranged to have sex several times. I am just wondering if this is something we shouldn’t do. Any thoughts? Anna

Answer: Dear Anna: You are right about my site, (and me). “Middle of the road” is a good description. Questions that I’m not comfortable with, I just don’t answer.

My take on your question is that you have something going about how appropriate this very casual, recreational sex is or you wouldn’t have written. You’d be fine with it if something wasn’t hitting you as not quite right. And I don’t mean morally right, I’m referring to your gut instincts.

I think there are people who can handle such an arrangement. Perhaps more men than women but that’s just a guess. It would seem to me that it might be difficult to matter and, at the same time, not matter for most women.

I’m from the old school where you cross a lot of bridges and create a deep commonality before you introduce sexual intimacy to a relationship. So my point of reference dates me in this situation. I would have trouble keeping my sense of self-worth if the relationship had failed and I was still handy to have around the bedroom on occasion.

Look into how you feel. If it’s fun and it’s safe, I’d say what the heck…for now. But if you are feeling uncomfortable and perhaps a little “used”, then I think I would set my sights on something that was more supportive, overall.

This is a conversation you will basically have to have with yourself, since I’m assuming it works fine for the man involved. Have it honestly and then get off the fence. It’s not a healthy place to live for long. Blessings, Luise

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