Question: I am a single parent who never had a chance! My Mother was an alcoholic and died from it at 42. I had my daughter the following year!! I was a great mom, home room mother, brownie leader, field trips, all of it. I would buy lunch and go to her school to have lunch with here because I always worked two jobs. I gave her everything on a silver platter. I never made her be responsible. When she was 13 I was brutally raped on my job. It changed my whole self. I dont really remember the first year the doctors had me medicated. Basically, I became distant from everybody, I still am not the person I used to be. My daughter lives in another state now and just had a baby. Last year she decided she no longer wanted me in her life. I got off all the drugs and have been doing everything to bring me back!!!! She does not know this because she will not talk to me!!! I am hurting soooo bad!!!! I have emailed her but she will not respond, how do I right my wrongs and get my daughter back in my life she is my everything she always has been. Everybody tells me to just move on HOW!!! Please help!! D.
Answer: Dear D.: We make parenting our life. Then when adult children go their own way, with or without provocation, we can’t find a “self.” It’s in there. You were a person before you were a mother. Some people never become parents but they are still people with satisfying lives. There are needy children out there. Some hospitals want women to come in and rock babies. There are endless ways to re-connect to the world in a useful and satisfying way.
What stops most of us is thinking we have to have it only one way. When we can’t have that, we break. Disappointment and self-pity…suffering and struggling wear us down. We deserve better. That’s all true. Still the one person who can love you through all of this is you. If you need an advocate to help you do that, look for a good counselor. Or join one of the 12-step programs that help people rebuild confidence and a sense of self. You can heal and you can still have a life without her. She can choose to exclude you, she has that right, but she can’t stop you from having a life. Only you can do that. Blessings, Luise